May 31, 2009


Like as if I'm damn free now.

Do you even know how much this means to me?

One day before O's, and I'm not studying.

Laoshi even said that if we slack a little during this weekend, everything we've done for the past two weeks would've gone to waste.

I'm in a war.

Sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. Guin did the same thing for me too, and I'm eternally touched and grateful, and it's not right for me to do this because I don't want to bring you down any more.

May 30, 2009

I want F21 lockets

Something's wrong with me. Idk why but I've got the kind of craving for lockets Miss Vicky has for durians. 

I think they're all nice, the obiang-looking ones in their vintage ways.
(Does that make sense?)

It's "O 水准, not O levels!"

Haha Janice you're the cutest.

Thank you:
Maddie for giving me your notes,
Luhong for helping me make notes + giving me your notes,
Jacey for your twenty-one "If you don't know anything ask me okay?"s,
Cuixiao for explaining a lot of things to me even though you hated me asking stuff,
And obviously, Mdm Lim.
"Hope you get as good results as the lollipop!" (Lollipop = 棒棒糖 HAHA. She meant get good results lah! MDM LIM IS THE CUTEST)

I cannot let you guys down after everything you've helped me with.

& Thank you Janice, Grace, Silvana, Daoxin and Carmen (because we're in this together!)


"Os are totally killing me, and i seem to be immersing myself in Chinese. It doesnt help that i've actually started thinking in Chinese, because when tht happens, i actually get confused. I mean, it is SUPER ABNORMAL for me to be able to describe some things in Chinese, but forget how to say it in English, but it's been happening on a daily basis?! I've even started dreaming in the language, for goodness sake. "
- Annie

We're all mugging.. and I haven't really done much revision. Yesterday I didn't feel like doing anything at all so I went to sleep super early, today I wasted the morning-part of the afternoon away, I'm going out for dinner later, PLUS I'm going for church tomorrow. Mmmmmm how to get A2 like that? ):






(Luhong, I LOVE your 谚语表!!!)

May 28, 2009

Taking a break from Chinese

"I go for cell group partly to see you" - Maddie
Aww. I have such sweet friends. :D

I need to de-stress my brain.

English morning writing practice: Affection
The air was filled with the sweet smell of baking and nose-tingling ginger. It snowed outside, but inside the air was toasty and warm. A tray of freshly baked gingerbread cookies lay on the table, as Marie and Matthew got ready to put another batch of cookies into the oven. With mittens on, the duo slowly inserted the silver tray into the red-hot metal chamber, giggling as both were careful not to touch the hot parts. When the task was completed, Marie crouched down to hug her son and plant kisses on his rosy cheeks.

Matt shrieked and giggled and clapped in joy. Marie cupped his face with her hands and gazed into the eyes of the only family she had left, and memories of his father, whom Matt had inherited his honey-blonde hair and mesmerizing green eyes from, came flooding back to her. Marie would not let her soon see her cry, so she pulled him close to her and forced a smile. When she had calmed her emotions, she sat in a cross-legged position, pulling Matt onto her lap as she sang him nursery rhymes and pressed her finger against his button nose. When Matt attempted to do the same to Marie, she laughed and brought her face close to his. Matt giggled and kissed her on the chin, grinning. Marie smiled.

As the alarm sounded, Marie got to her feet and, holding hands, mother and son headed towards the oven again.

By the way, I'm putting this up not to show off okay, it's just that I want to record what I do so that I can look back when I'm preparing for English O's and I can see if I've made any progress, because I'll probably lose the foolscap papers but I won't lose my blog right? :D

I think this doesn't show affection much. It's more of love eh?

I NEED TO READ MORE, but it's impossible to find time for anything.
I NEED MY A1 FOR ENGLISH. I should be able to get an A1 for Oral and Paper 1 but I usually only barely pass/FAIL my compres. My mother says she'll try seeing if the British Council has tuition for Compre skills.

Why am I worrying about English? :/

4 more days to Chinese O's.

Oh yeah, one more thing

Congrats for getting into Lasalle, Maddie!

One more reason I'm depressed over the loss of my wallet

My wallet contains the one picture I have of our P6 clique:

Taken by Wanying's phone's camera I think, under the spiral-ish staircase, where we always played Blind Mice during recess. MEMORIES MEMORIES
Rupini, Teressa, Rachel, Marilyn, me, Chen Min, Aruna, Wanying, Mandy, Didi & Jayden. (I hope Jy doesn't see this)

Thank goodness I took a picture of it before my wallet got lost. The paper the picture is printed on is in terrible condition yes I know and the picture is really small (slightly bigger than a namecard) and the quality's bad, but this is the only picture the whole clique has taken together (apart from class photos).

I LOVE you guys, I LOVE 6B'05, and I LOVE my primary school.

May 27, 2009

Friends are supposed to encourage one another.

Especially when I need it most, you know?


And that's a tragedy because it contains:
- My IC (not important but apparently I need to make a new one. And make a stupid police report.)
- Miyazaki (Dance) '07 neoprints (but I looked really shitty and ahlian-wannabe so that doesn't matter)
- 4 JJFC membership cards (one card per year) (JJ!!!!)
- Baby's little drawing for me on our 300th day (Haha that was so long ago)
- My couple ring (Okay this is serious. It costs $88 per pair and I've lost it before and he bought another one for me. Now I lost it again. I CANNOT BELIEVE MYSELF)
...and the wallet is old, yes, but it was a gift from Jt AND it was limited edition so it was quite expensive. Memories memories memories memories memories.

Happy 19th month baby ((((:

4 more days to O's

De-stressing with Jessie, Cuixiao, Kelly etc was hilarious and I've got a few videos, I'll upload them when I can.
Stupid Cuixiao and her stupid nan ren song HAHAHA

We got our results for the 2006 paper. FOR ONCE I got an A2 for Paper 2 (a low A2 - 70.7%, but still!), but when I calculated my Paper 1 and 2 results I got a B3 -.- Add the results with my Listening compre and Oral, and I'll most probably get C5 for overall.

JIU MING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Lukhei, I got interviewed by some people doing an interview for a poly (Singapore Poly I think) at the bus stop outside school. I hope they only use the video for reference purposes because my hair looked like crap and I was sweating like mad.

I am FREAKING MAD at the first H1N1 case in Singapore, because it means 
There WILL be Dance camp this year NO MATTER WHAT. Even if it's in December. GRR I WANT DANCE CAMP!!!!! It took us so long to persuade the teachers, and now that they're finally willing, this crops up? UGH! Like Dance camp is a yearly tradition but we haven't had camp in two years. We really have to do it this year.

On a final note, 
God is great. (:

May 26, 2009

If God gives Satan and humans free will, and Satan controls, aren't we totally controlled by the devil?

is peace.

I wanted to blog about my confusion, my dilemma, the swirl of extreme emotions in my heart but I've decided not to, because it'd be like re-enforcing these negative feelings inside me which would cause them to be stronger?

Satan... is scary. I'm afraid one day I'd let him in accidentally.
Then again, I probably already have let the spirit of a devil inside me, just like any other normal person who sinned and happens to be feeling down.

Of course I want the devil out. The one who's causing me to doubt God, the one willing me to sin. Now, how to I get the devil out if I don't even know what it is and how it works?
Sing Praise songs, pray in Tongues more? It does give me temporary comfort, some peace if I'm lucky, but that doesn't really solve the problem.

When the Rev was preaching in the Jurong West CHC, someone suddenly got really scared and wanted to run, but when she was forced by her friend to sit down throughout the rest of the service she suddenly got really frightened and couldn't stop screaming. The Rev prayed for her, and she was okay after that.
Jt and Janice experienced that too, the "devil" "coming" out of them. Getting slain, screaming uncontrollably for no reason.. no, I can say I'm not ready for things like these. I don't know if I ever will. You know, being a Christian doesn't mean you have to witness/do things like these. There are so many different kinds of faith.

Yes, the devil is scary. The devil is in a lot of people, normal people, Christians, everyone alike. It's just a matter of who he's stronger in, who's weaker emotionally so he can attack more.
If you're already down, and the devil gets into you, and he controls your thoughts,
and at the same time, God's there but he doesn't force what he wants you to do unto you,

doesn't Satan reign in the end?

Oh no, I've just blogged it.

I have a terrible confession to make.
I chanced upon a picture of a demon-possessed girl in the movie The Exorcist and it's fucking scary.
I'm sorry Jason, I'm sorry God, I promised I wouldn't swear like that anymore, but I am
freaked out.
Just as I'm thinking about how fucking scary it is to have a demonic spirit inside you.

It's our God-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved

SAF's Chinese Orchestra troupe and vocal grup came today, the Chinese orchestra was cool lah, I really like the sounds of the Erhu and Pipa.

Vocal group was an acapella group, THE BEATBOXER'S FREAKING COOL!
I brought my camera to take videos because I knew I would want to, but I didn't bring my SD card

The beatboxer must feel quite restricted when doing the beats for the group, because there are only certain types of sounds he can do. Those are really superb too, but the stuff he did in the solo was ZOMGOSH MAGGOT COOL CAN.
The helicopter sound's amusing. I really like his "Four Minutes". The trumpet-like and disco thing's cool :D
Wish I'd recorded them T.T So funny when he did In The Ayer (Oh hot damn, this is ma jam..) a lot of people started screaming and I laughed because I was reminded of Jenna. And Jayden.

SUPER COOL! SUPER COOL! SUPER COOL! SUPER COOL! Zi bei because I can't do beatboxing. Then again, it's a matter of how much effort I put in.

I'm inspired to learn the Erhu. Jason? :D
(Like what the crap, I barely passed my Piano exam -.-)

Stepped down

I'll miss scolding people.
In fact I think I'll miss it so much that I'll still continue doing it and not give Yiqing a chance muahaha.

Dance Discipline booklet: THE BLACK BOOK.
I wrote this page! :D

I've waited one whole year to write my name here. I couldn't stop myself from using the pink pen. Muahaha.

Sec Threes,
the future of Dance depends on you guys now. 
I know that with enough effort and teamwork, you'll do us proud.

May 25, 2009

Clay Aiken was gay too o.o

Shouldn't come as a surprise to me I guess. He looks gay -.-

If a singer is gay, does that make him a bad singer?

Nobody can argue with me. Adam Lambert TOTALLY deserved to win. Just because Kris apparently looks better, it doesn't mean he's more talented. And it certainly isn't the case. Kris doesn't deserve to beat Adam and even Danny. (Gah I love Danny)

No I am not biased. When he was doing that performance in his hometown he even went off-note a number of times and his first verse wasn't good at all. (Not that I can sing better, obviously, but for American Idol standard, it's unacceptable) Did you know he almost got kicked out of the Top 36? But producers made him do another "battle" against another contestant, which he won. (This was never aired on TV).

No way Adam could have lost against Kris. Or Danny. So what made Kris beat Adam?

So Adam's gay, so he's a drag queen, and the pictures are damn gross. But does anything like that affect his talent? In a talent show, only talent should matter. If Kris Allen were gay (no offence), he wouldn't have made it into the top few please.

GRR. Why should we let our own prejudice judge others' talents? If Adam weren't gay, if Adam were the married Christian and Kris were the gay drag queen, Adam would definitely have won.

I'm not totally pro-Adam. I'm just pretty anti-Kris and I feel Adam deserves to win so much more because he obviously has much more talent.

But if I were to have it my way, I'd say Danny should have won.

The reason for Kris Allen's win:

" The ability for people to vote as many times as technologically possible has made the voting process the real competition and not the singing. American Idol should change the voting procedures for next year. The public loses interest in actually voting for their favorite because now we are up against techniques like what Arkansas fans did with their phone/text/computer strategy (4,000 votes per person over ALL time zones). The record results indicates that it has become a technological competition. Next year everyone else will find even more creative ways to beat the system. AI may get a 'billion' votes to brag about, but it will be done by computers and therefore meaningless."

Reading my friends' blogs and realising how much I've missed.

To Jt and Jan:
Your faith is amazing.
You know, if I were there, I'd probably be crying and screaming, not because of God working through me but because I'd be terrified and want to go home.

The demon inside me, no?

I'm a very realistic, practical person. The kind who says "if there's no proof, I won't buy it". That's why it took me a long long time to accept the Bible in the first place.
Now, so when it comes to stuff like this, weird, scary things happening to people for no reason, I get really scared. What's happening? Do they know what's going on? What's really going on? How can.. screaming and writhing on the floor and losing consciousness and crying be holy? No it doesn't make sense to me, probably because I'm very used to the more "conservative" churches we all (except Jt) came from and I can't let go of that. Stuff like this... are far from peaceful to me.

Like in the chapel of St Andrew's Cathedral, I feel this amazing sense of peace, even though the place is rather run-down. Sitting at the benches of some tented area with only plastic chairs and tables outside the chapel gives me a feeling of peace and security, and it's amazing, because the place is so normal and it doesn't even look nice or very clean. That's the difference the presence of the Holy Spirit makes. That feeling that washes over me there is peace, comfort. In CHC, sometimes all I feel is tense.

Stuff like this, like the rebuking of the demonic spirits, just make everything much less peaceful, much less comforting, and way more stressful and traumatising. 

Now, how do you make someone who lives her life based on facts and proof believe that things like falling to the floor crying and screaming is because of God, and is going to help you be holier? I mean, ... yeah.

I think I'm just terrified of the unknown. It could be the evil spirits in me, yes, but I think it's more of my character, how I was brought up the past 16 years.

May 24, 2009

(trying to keep my sanity)


I've changed my blog song

The Click Five - Empty.
Unfortunately it's not Auto play, I'll try my best to find one that's Auto muahaha. I don't want to use Imeem.

I put this song because it reminded me of us. Not now, but everything that was going on before we "broke up".

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing 
Is beating our hearts
We're empty.

That was exactly how I felt about us. I didn't know why we were still keeping on with this and I didn't really feel anything between us anymore. I guess we needed that short break.

Jessie almost bet me $50 we wouldn't last two days without each other.
Thank goodness she didn't, because our "breakup" only lasted less than a day hahaha what the maggot.

Well now I feel so much more dependent on you and I can be sure that I still love you. 

Now I can put this up and not cry with confusion everytime I listen to it. I like this song (:

I guess putting this song up would bring back those memories of our "painful times" - times we argued, cried like crazy, wondered why on earth we were still doing this, wishing we could just break away.
It would also remind us to treasure what we have now, with each other.

I love you (:

I had 221 unique page loads in 5 days, howcome only one person tagged D:

I need opinions people! Opinions! Mass Comm or SAJC?

Short updates:
Phototaking was VERY VERY FUN and we have so got the nicest class photo ever. Balloons, bubbles, party spray, and A4 signs "4S2A Class of 2009". Will upload and get photos when I can.

Cell group:
Jason paired us up and told us to write something we wanted on the song sheet, but we weren't allowed to show it to the other person. Then we would pray and ask God what the other person wanted us to pray for, and then we would pray for the other person, and at the end of it we'd show each other what we wrote.

I was paired up with Carmen, which I think was a pretty good pairing, because we didn't really know each other well but had quite a bit in common.
Carmen wrote "A1 for Chinese O's", I wrote "A2 for Chinese O's" HAHAHA. But somehow we didn't pray much about results for each other. I prayed for it a bit but not for Chinese O's.

She kept praying about something "materialistic" that I really wanted. I was quite puzzled, I didn't really want anything materialistic now, and I'm not really that kind of person. But after thinking for it a bit, I realised she must've been talking about that thing I wanted to get somebody. Yes, it's God related (I'll reveal what and who after I've gotten it for her). I really want her to have it and I do want to save up money to buy it for her. I've been thinking about that for quite some time; unfortunately I do not have any money at all right now and I'm $14 in debt. Mmmhmm. 

I prayed a bit for her Choir and O's, but later something else came into my mind, and I prayed for her to be able to feel God with her whenever she felt lonely or down. I understood why I prayed that, I'd known about that thing that happened for quite some time, but I didn't reveal anything about it as I prayed. I just prayed that God would be with her whenever she felt lonely or down, and to be there to comfort her, because we knew He would always be there.

Later on Carmen told me that although she didn't write that down, she was thinking about that and it so happened that that was a crucial prayer for her because this was an especially dry and "lonely" period for her, and she'd kept telling herself that God was there for her but wasn't sure of it, and I helped her confirm it today.
(Hey Carmen, if you happen to see this, if you don't really want me to put this up, just tell me and I'll take it down k (: )

So I realised something. There were other things we wanted to pray for, especially for our O's, but the things God wanted us to pray for were related to Him. In my case, I needed enough money to clear my debts and buy that thing for that person to strengthen her relationship with God; in her case, she needed strength and love from Him to get over this emotionally tough period.

Because as long as we're strong in Christ, we can conquer everything else, yes?

(I guess this isn't a "short" update eh)

May 21, 2009

For Guin (CC: Maddie)

"Dream big and dare to fail, one day you will succeed.
If you're giving up chances now, it was just that God planned something else bigger.
If you're facing obstacles now, it's just that God made your path ahead shoother.
Always remember, 
The only thing more precious than your dreams is the process of achieving them."

Guin: I love you and am very touched by the faith you have in me. My belief in my dreams are nothing more than a dim, microscopic speck of light, but you're making up for it by believing in me, and you're pushing me to keep on pursuing my dreams when I feel it's impossible. I bet you didn't know this, but recently my dreams have seemed to have dried up. Thanks for pushing me along again.

Maddie: You've got a chance to pursue what you want to do now, never give it up. 
If you're determined to do this, and you really put your heart into this, you can do it. Anyone can as long as they have enough determination and peserverance. I know it sucks to know/feel everyone else is better than you. But if you want your dream badly enough, nothing else matters.
I'm just a phone call / SMS away, okay? (:

Should I try DSA-ing into SAJC?
Jayden says she's going to try DSA-ing into SAJC. If I plan to go to JC, SAJC's the only option I'm looking at. But judging by how I'm faring in school now, I mightn't be able to make it in purely through marks, especially because admission into SAJC is getting increasingly competitive.
Criteria for DSA-ing through Performning Arts:
- Achievement/Awards in SYF competitions
- Representation in international/national competitions
- Distinctions (or equivalent) in music/dance examinations 
- Interviews and/or auditions

I can't do auditions, I'm terribly inflexible. I've never taken any music/dance exam, unless you count ABRSM classical Practical/Theory (Piano) hahaha. They probably won't count that.

I only want to go to SAJC if I plan to go to a JC. Jy and I are both somehow biased against ACJC culture (no offence). OH AND MRS LEE IS AT SA :D

But the problem now is that I don't know if I want to do JC or not. I want to take H2 Bio and Geog and maybe Music if I can make it. But Bio and Geog happen to be the most content-based subjects and that means A LOT of stuff to memorize. And A level music is very hard. 

And what if I do really badly for my A's and can't even make it into a university? If I go to Poly and get a Diploma, at least I can get a job with my Diploma. With only an A levels cert, you can't get anywhere.

SOLVE MY DILEMMA! I need to decide whether I want to try DSA-ing fast.
Actually I don't think I'd make it through the DSA. I'm terribly inflexible and don't dance well.
(It's not being humble, it's a fact)


First Danny, now Adam - 


Like it's so damn obvious that Kris cannot sing as well as Adam or Danny. Please nobody can say he sings better than the other two. HE DOESN'T! He just looks better. What the maggot.

>:(  >:(  >:( Like come on Adam deserves to be the American Idol so much more, it's a competition of TALENT! It's the finals, they could at least tweak the scores right. ):


May 20, 2009

My birthday post to Spermatozoon

Okay. I'd better get this done with now. It's more than 2 months overdue.

Something random: Remember how we kept listening to Ai De Zhu Xuan Lu by Xiao Gui and Zhuo Wen Xuan on my MP3 during our Sarawak trip, and we kept mouthing the songs and doing stupid dramatic actions until people we didn't even know in the bus started staring? :D

I promised I'd put this up:
Miyazaki - Shermin Trying To Hide from My Camera with her Disposable Panties and Showing me her Hello Kitty Bra


Anyway Sperm, I came across your 29 May '07 post and felt really touched all over again :D Xie xie ni hen duo Sher, and I really love you too. We went through so much together that year in Sec 2. 

SYF '07 which really bonded us, Sarawak, your friendship problems, my friendship problems, and our friendship problems. How you hurt me with your JJ insults and how I struggled to put up with it because you were just about the only friend I had in school. 

And OH, NINETY-THREE. The compositions. Which reminds me, I still haven't composed a song for the latest set of lyrics you wrote (Ni).
The stupid times we spent at Jt's house recording the songs and laughing at all the "Ni"s because you kept saying Ni means Boobs in Hokkien.

The Miyazaki trip, there were so many fond memories of the both of us there. I chanced upon the neoprints we took. WHAT THE FREAK I DID ALL THOSE STUPID AH LIAN HAND SIGNS AND I WAS SO DAMN UGLY, EWW!!!

And in short, you made a huge difference to my life and I couldn't be more grateful.

Just a few pictures, because I've gotta rush off for Bio SPA:

(when we realised that after getting up early and walking a lot, we didn't get to see what the teacher wanted to show us)

SYF '07


(Sec 2) 


My life is based on love

and thus I can feel my life flowing out of my veins as each day passes.

温室里的小花, 经不起风吹雨打

I hate only having 3-4 hours of sleep a day.
I hate sacrificing my study time to have 6 hours of sleep and still feel tired the next day.
I hate knowing I'm not studying enough.
I hate not having enough time to study, with all my other commitments.
I hate how I always feel sleepy when I study. (Bad habit)
I hate knowing I'm lagging behind.
I hate being messy and losing my notes. (I lost my Geog notebook, which contains all the notes I made for the whole of Sec 3)
I hate knowing I don't have enough time to do everything I have to.
I hate thinking about my pile of UNIFINISHED homework. (Out of all the E math chapters, I've only done homework for Chap 2. I haven't started on A math for Chap 17 and 18 even though I usually make it a point to do all my A math homework. I have 3-4 unfinished Chinese letters to write. ...I hope there isn't any more)
I hate knowing that during the June holidys everyone has the time to chiong away for the MYEs and Prelims and O's, and I won't have the time because of intensive Dance practices. Not that I don't want the practices, of course, but where's the time to study?
I hate living at Boon Lay/Pioneer, because I have to wake up early and reach home late.
I hate my lack of self-discipline.

I hate being in Sec 4.

May 19, 2009





Real man real man!

My birthday

Thank you:
My schoolmates - Annie (who hugged me), Janeen (who hugged me, and offered me a celery stick, and jumped on me - yes, she wished me Happy Birthday three times), Guin, Jessie, Yen Ler, Joan, Lingling, Jieying, Jiawei, Qiqi, Janey, Iman, and the rest who wished me Happy Birthday, 4S2A and Crescent Dance for the birthday song,

My other frineds - Sumay (who got up at 12am to wish me Happy Birthday), Xiao Xuan, Jt, Jan, Mad, Hannah, Luhong, Jacey, Darren, Rachel (who dedicated half a post to me AWW THANKS RACHEL), Laoshi, Jason, W412, and all the others,

My relatives - 7yee, 4yee, Joel, Shu En,

And someone I didn't expect to remember who I was - Siew Xian.

Lub you all!

Janice and Maddie were da bomb, they gave me a cute pouch with two undies inside - a pink polka dotted one with a lot of "KAREN"s along the elastic band, and a Topshop Superman one. I was laughing at the Superman one then Maddie went "Oi!" and pulled down her skinnies a little to show me that she was wearing the same one too HAHAHAHAHA

Cuixiao gave me a notebook with the female toilet sign on it and a string of English words that don't really make sense but are hilarious to look at, 

Luan Ling gave me a keychain I ended up giving Cuixiao because she wanted it so badly -.-

Dear W412 gave Jt and I cakes and CDs, 

Sumay gave me something from Bali, 

4S2A gave me a cool tube of lip gloss (and the brush of it happens to be the kind I've been looking for!) that shimmers a lot and has a mirror at the side of the tube AND the bottom of the cap lights up when you take it out so that you can see where you're applying it HAHA,

Dear Guin gave me this super nice guitar necklace I can't bear to wear and an extremely extremely sweet letter.
(Guin, if I have the time I'll blog about it or something some other time)

But the presents don't matter, it's the sincerity in the wishes you guys gave me that matter so much more (:

Here's a birthday thought. I read it from Shuzhen's blog a long long time ago and found it very true.
When you celebrate your birthday, you're just celebrating ... your existence. You're celebrating being alive, having been born. What's there to celebrate about that?
It should be your mother who should celebrate instead, because she spent that many years bringing you up so painstakingly and that many years ago, when she gave birth to you, that was the most painful thing she'd ever done. (By the way, giving birth is more painful than getting shot. Nadine told me that in Sec 2 haha.)

I really want to blog about my birthday party with J4M but there's no time no time! And I want all the pictures!
J4M, upload your pictures on Facebook okay? I'll upload them too after I've edited the lighting! (And when I have the time!) Thanks!

May 16, 2009

Take my Facebook quiz!

I bet nobody can get full marks k!


Love can be the strongest good thing in the world, the thing that keeps us motivated, that keeps the world going. Love can be the one thing that makes a person happy, the thing that keeps someone going everyday.

Love can also be the reason for the most intense depression ever, and destruction.

May 15, 2009

Janeen's 16th party

I have like 215 pics (initially I had 360), and Janeen hasn't given me hers yet, but nvm I'll blog this first.
I uploaded a few pictures on Facebook, Teryne and Shyan uploaded too so whoever wants to see them can kope from us! 

Audrey, Jolin, Deena, Jovina, Kelly, Jessie, Teryne, Jenna, Shyan, Wanmin, Jieying and Isabella, Janeen and me.
I arrived half an hour late (6.30) but was the first S2-er to be there, that proves we're terrible at time management! My camera ran out of battery about one pathetic hour later so I abducted Kelly's and Jenna's camera. 

..You know what, I'm too lazy to blog it now, so I'll let the pictures paint the story.
(Also check out the album Shyan and Teryne uploaded. But Shyan temporarily deactivated her Facebook, until Chinese O's are over)

My birthday present from the school

- English morning writing practice resumes
- Start of Chinese O level intensive - Chinese for FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT

Oh I love the school. What a wonderful birthday present. ._.

May 14, 2009

Another $500 camera gone thanks to me

Lost my camera.


I cannot live life without a camera. Today Janeen and Jessie had an interesting fight in the canteen + Jessie stuck a straw into her hair (pretending it was a chopstick). Hahaha.

I'm extremely fascinated by Forever 21 Japan & Korea. SO COOL! The Japan F21 website has coloured HAIRCLIPS haha. There's one necklace from the Korean website I really like. Alagammai says I'm going mad.

I asked two Sec 2s (I think) to cab to school from Redhill MRT with me today. I paid their share. One of them gave a shocked look when I rejected the money. :D

"Oh, F.....ergalicious!"
- Kelly

My idea of an eventful day has become terribly warped. Thanks to bloody O's.

I want to celebrate my & jt's birthdays with J4M, this week on Friday after Cell group they'll come to my house for a sleepover, and then on Saturday we'll go out celebrating together. Wild wild wet! (I'm praying my p___ ends before Sat, but it's highly unlikely because it usually lasts for 8 days and it'd probably end on Monday. But all things are possible through Christ! :D HAHA)
So anyway the problem is, this week I've got quite a bit of homework:
- Chinese ying yong wens (I've got 1 overdue, and another 2 due next week)
- A math
- A super super super super long Chem worksheet. 
We'll probably have more Chinese homework too

So on Friday, after school ends at 4 I'll have to rush home and then for Cell group, then they'll be coming over already, then we'll probably spend the whole Saturday together so there'd be no time even to practice my piano for piano class on Sunday morning (so I'll play super horribly and my teacher will die). And on Sunday I won't have much time (and motivation) to do work so I'll just end up dying in school on Monday. 
And I need to study.
And I don't know if my p___ would have ended by then.

But if I hold it next week, it would be like ONE WEEK AWAY from my O's! And I'll need to mug. (I really want an A2 for Chinese. I got C5 for Chinese prelims. Go ahead and laugh.)


May 13, 2009

For you, and for us


People are falling over their heads to get to it, willing to get hurt over and over again, willing to sacrifice their sweat and tears, all for their search for love.

Love can be the best thing that happens to a person, when you find The One. Other times, it's nothing more than a continual self-hurting process, a cycle of pain and hurt.
All for love.

傻瓜    我们都一样

傻瓜    我们都一样

And I'm getting C5s and B4s

"My first attempt for the Chinese O's was an A2. But I wasn't really satisfied with it lah, because my Chinese is quite strong, so I retook and got an A1."

The people my life revolves around


Two girls, 

One... (Un)lady,

and one Apparently Female.

Together, we're the weirdest combination ever.
And it's just right that way (:

May 12, 2009

I guess we've been through too much to let this go.

One and a half years isn't a lot. It isn't. 
But the stuff we've been through in this short span of time is a lot.
We've both changed so much, for each other, it's incredible. Well okay more of you than me.

Still, it's so much. Too much to let go. I guess that's why I can't.

I still can't live without you.

This just leaves me more confused.

I love you. 

My subconscious mind still doesn't register that we're not together anymore

"All that flows out of a bleeding heart:
more than 1314 hearts
more than a bottle of happy pills with little bottles of "i love you"s
more than 1.5yrs +fourteen days tgt
more than the blood shed for her
more than an innocent step of bravery to kiss
more than 13 letters
more than couple rings
more than a broken relationship
what flows out of a bleeding heart is Love."

I love you too baby.

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

Every sms from you telling me you love me and you'll always be waiting for me makes me want to cry all over again.
My throat hurts, I can't breathe properly, my lungs hurt, because I'm trying to hard to keep my whimpers and tears in. 
(Or maybe I have H1N1. I also have been getting nauseous a lot recently. Is that a symptom?)

I need to go somewhere and just scream and cry my lungs out.

I can't live without you either. We both need the strength to do this.

May 11, 2009

We need strength to move on without each other

I don't want to keep hurting you anymore, we keep arguing almost every day and I hate knowing that I'm causing the most harm to the person I love the most. It's not right.

Dear God, I'd just like you to know that I'm doing this partly because of you.
Bless us with the strength to move on.

I hope we won't just keep coming back to each other because we miss each other too much. I'll just keep hurting you, and nothing much good will come out of it.

I'm aware of the disadvantages of this breakup, but when it comes to an issue like this, only this should matter. I just hope we'll both be strong enough, S.

I miss you already.. friend.

One and a half years and fourteen days - 
Day zero starts today.
I wonder how long we'll last without each other.

One and a half years and fourteen days later

We need strength to do this.

May 10, 2009

"Dance like you're on S factor!"

(Class joke - S factor = Slut factor)

Janeen's party was the most fun I've had since the beginning of the year. This makes me realise how boring my life has been.

Since the beginning of this year I haven't watched a single movie, although I really wanted to watch quite a number of shows,
I haven't gone shopping with a friend,
haven't gone out with a friend,
not even after school.
Other than school, I only go for cell group, piano lessons and Chem tuition. Mmmmm. And I can't even go for Fellowship and stuff. Not even Church service.

Hahaha. The most probable reason I keep getting moody and angry is because I've got too little fun. But there's no time for that now. Now I need to prepare for O's. I really really really really really want an A2 for Chinese, but the chances are so low.

韵怡,要相信自己!你一定做得到的!亡羊补牢, 未为晚也! (Did I use that appropriately?)

Anyway, will blog about Janeen's party when I get all the photos muahaha. LOVE you guys, and thanks Janeen!

May 7, 2009

I miss you guys

I wish I could talk to you guys right now.

How could I forget the one who was always there for me?

Even when you were in the middle of your O's, you sacrificed your time to help me.

"Anything you don't understand call me ah"

I don't know if you've realised it but I'm really really grateful to you, for all the effort you put into helping me.
& I'm really touched by the encouraging+rather long SMS you sent me before my Chinese paper. You were the only one who said anything encouraging to me about my Chinese paper haha (:

Love you Guin (((((((:

3 hours of sleep a day

What I found really stupid was just before the exam Glenda and I went to the toilet and I told Glenda
"Eh, I really never study Chapter 5 and 6 leh" (Sec 3 topics)
And then the two SEQ chapters that came out were on Chapters 5 and 6 (Bonding Singapore & Deterrence and Diplomacy).
After looking through the questions I realised I could do 2a and 3a and couldn't do 2b and 3b, so I didn't know what question to choose, and I STUPIDLY did Q2 (Bonding Singapore). Stupid because I realised halfway through that for 3b I could just crap out some random maggot and still get high marks. So I would be able to score much better if I did Q3. Plus most people did Q3.

I didn't even complete a single essay. For the two SEQ essays I didn't write the conclusion, for the four SBQ essays I left out the last paragraph, except for the last essay. I only managed to write one paragraph for the last one. Which is sad because I had confidence in that essay. ):

May 6, 2009

This proves we're muggers

Out of the 130 Crescent contacts I have online, apart from myself, only Jollin is online.
Hahahaha so funny everyone else is busy studying. SS!!!!

Chinese was okay, for the first time ever I wrote like 2 and a half pages for letter writing! 'Cos I wrote informal letter. Crapped a lot. Wrote 3 and a half pages for compo. First time I'm doing bao zhang bao dao for exams!

Reflecting on bao zhang bao dao, and what Jt said, and what Maddie said, and what Jason said, made me realise something.
I give up too easily (I realised that long ago), like you know, 温室里的小花,禁不起风吹雨打. (SEE JT, I KNOW THE PHRASE NOW!)
Whenever there's a small setback, I give up. Even in the things I love doing the most, I think of giving up (but often when there's someone else to push me along, I feel too paiseh to give up).

So for Bao Zhang Bao Dao, when we first learnt it we all found it super hard and I totally sucked at it, failed and everything, it could take me four hours to complete a short essay. But we kept getting drilled to do it, we had no choice but to do it even though we all really hated it. I vowed never to do Bao Zhang for any exam and for the O's. I hated it, could never remember the format, could never find the right phrases, could never come up with the right Reasons for the problem / Solutions to the problem, and it required so much thinking. I hated it so badly but I had no choice but to do it, so I did.
And now.. I still think I'm much better at Narrative essays than bao zhang bao daos, but I'm getting better than it. I actually got above 30/50 a few times! (Yah lah I can hear people lauging at me already. It's an achievement for me okay! X|)

And guess what, for this Prelims I did what I vowed never to do.

So... I hate hardship and I give up very easily, and it takes a lot of time to get used to it, but with lots and lots and lots of torture and practise, I'm able to do it.

For Tongues, it's very very exhausting to try somehow, and I'm not able to do it right. On the first night I tried, I tried at around 2.30am two days ago, because I stayed up doing my STUPID NOTES THAT TURN OUT TO BE REDUNDANT. I was quite tired, but I got the energy to try, and I kept trying, but it really wasn't right. I couldn't do it properly; I was thinking too much.
I told Mad and Jason. Jason said it's okay, just keep jiayou-ing. Maddie said maybe God wants me to wait a little more. I accepted Mad's more readily because I thought that too, but I remebered Jason's and tried again last night. Last night was.. a little better, just a little. Although it still sounds nothing like Tongues to me. There's a little bit of improvement. My Gatekeeper thoughts don't come as much. Just a little bit less.
And I felt like giving up, I really did. It would've been so much easier to agree with Mad totally because I felt that way too, but since my CG leader had so much confidence in me I thought it'd be bad to let him down.

I'm grateful for learning from Mad and Jt that it isn't a "suddenly-you-can-do-it-really-well" thing, it also takes a lot of time, practise and patience. If I didn't ask them about it I would probably have given up, because I thought Tongues is a gift that just strikes you all of a sudden one day.
Mad and Jt had to discover stuff about it on their own, but both of them didn't give up. I had advice from three people, and I almost gave up. It just shows how weak I am.

But thank God for the advices you guys have given me. And I'll continue trying, and hopefully improving bit by bit everyday. It may take me a month to get used to speaking in Tongues confidently, it may take me six months, it may take me a few years even, but I'll just keep trying.


May 5, 2009

& AS IF there's more than enough time

And I still haven't even started making Globalisation notes which would probably take what, seventy-two more hours -.- 
And that's just MAKING NOTES! 
And tomorrow I have Chinese Prelims which means I'll probably stay up until 1am memorizing the thousands of  idioms and phrases in my Chinese file and notebook and Laoshi's handouts. 
Oh yes and formats. FORMATS!!!!!!!

Hello my Chinese standard is seriously like maggot, how am I supposed to score my B3/A2 tomorrow?! AHH AND I HAVEN'T DONE THE TWO CHINESE FORMAL LETTERS DUE TOMORROW! 

Hellooooo I'm dead. Yes the sense of urgency is finally beginning to kick in. NO TIME NO TIME!!!!! How can I make notes on the whole of Globalisation PLUS memorize all my Sec 3 + 4 SS notes in a day (after my Chinese)?! GAHHHHHH

"We were close once."

Hey C, I realised something.
I admire how you said that, even though it didn't really sound nice and it's actually quite sad. But it's true, and that's what matters. I admire you for being truthful and I love that. That sentence probably didn't mean much to you but it made me reflect a bit on my friendships with other people and stuff. Some people like to make everything seem nice and cheery and like as if we're very close when we really aren't; it's just for show, they're so used to doing it that they feel awkward not doing it even when it's only between them and another person.

I admire that plain truthfulness that just comes out of you naturally.

"It makes me feel like a friend."
Mad, how could you say that?! I bet you don't know this but, you're the closest friend I have now.
;) Surprised? Mmm I'm a lonely loser. But really, thanks for always being able to relate to my problems. I mean that's not something that can be helped, but I don't feel alone because someone else has gone through / is going through the same problems I'm facing and that's reassuring.
And I like your truthfulness too. When there's something wrong you let me know, and I appreciate that, because I hate having to be kept in the dark, I hate having to guess if people don't like me / what the problem is. (:


What I can blog is now quite limited.
I'm beginning to love Lj again.

May 4, 2009

I love you guys

Sorry Janice, sorry Maddie, sorry Jt, and sorry God, I'll try my best to change for all of you.

One more step to sin less:
I shall try my best to remember to change all my swear words to harmelss ones like "Maggot"and "A math" whenever I feel like swearing. Like Teryne's "Chickenutbread" and Millie's "Jian bao" and Annie's "Chickennaanaa". It's a small step to becoming less vulgar.

Mmmmm. It'll take me a lot to become less vulgar.

Support me! Whenever I forget, slap me or something.

Fuck life

I still love you guys.

4 hours of Chinese in a day

Yes, I'll just pretend nothing has happened and pretend yesterday didn't happen and pretend that I'm still oblivious to all this shit and pretend you guys still love me okay?

(You really think so? I'll lash out on my Lj)


Oh yeah. I forgot. I'm not supposed to let my opinion be heard.

Wait, wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?

When I'm in school I'm always bouncy and laughing and whatever. 
Then when I think of the other problems I have to face outside, when I'm reminded of you guys, suddenlly my heart feels hardened, I feel a rush of tears to my eyes.

Isabella and Janeen

"I will kiss you in places you've never been kissed!"
"Ooh! Never been kissed eh?"
"I'll kiss you in places that will make you scream in ecstacy!"

I want to stand up for myself.

I'm completely drenched by the rain and Janey and Teryne are laughing at me

No more having to struggle with an MP3 player which has a dysfunctional on/off button. But actually Creative's good because the rechargeable battery is not built-in, it can be taken out, so if I spoil the battery life I can just buy another battery instead of having to send it for repair. I can't bear to part with my music.
The iPod has GAMES! :D
Dear Incomplete,I'm sorry for the post if you read it. If you haven't read it yet, don't. Anw I changed the font to Webdings so you won't accidentally read it or something. I was in a rage at that time; forgive me. 
Look, I'm caught in between, if you don't understand. You might not like them anymore. I still do. I still love them. You're like, bitching to me about people I love, what do you expect me to do, say oh yes I agree yes they suck?Well anyway, from now on, I will try my absolute best to change. I'm sorry you guys had to hide things from me, I'm sorry I don't understand, I'm sorry I'm drifting away. I want to be someone you can confide in. I want to be there. I still want to be a part of you guys. I want there to still be a J4M, that isn't just for show, but is truly the best of friends.
From now on, I will try my very best to silence my own opinions, they don't matter. Even if I feel you're wrong, even if I have lots of things to rebut, I will try my very best. I won't let my opinions regarding this situation be known to you guys. I will try my best, even if I feel what you say is unfair to these people, even if I feel what you say is  wrong, even if I totally disagree, even if I feel you're being stupid and unreasonable. I will try my best.
I have very strong opinions when it comes to certain things, and you must know by now my strongest characteristic, like a typical Taurian, is that I'm stubborn. But for the sake of my friends..
I'll probably pour out my feelings and opinions to Jacey. If not, who?

May 3, 2009

Not even a new iPod can stop my tears from falling

Hey you, there are always two sides to a problem. It isn't just caused by one party. Think about what you've done too. Assumptions aren't always right.
This applies to both sides.

What a joke, no?

How stupid I was when I told myself I could count on you guys to be there for me, how it didn't matter if I didn't have close friends in school.
How stupid I was when I thought I could count on anyone at all.

I need to remember that I'm pretty much jinxed, I can't be too close to people emotionally or I would hurt them and they would hurt me.

I wish I could be there. I wish things didn't turn out this way. Maybe you don't give a damn anymore. I'm not referring to the rest of you, I'm only referring to YOU.

No, now I'm nothing but a distant friend, we just didn't work out eh?

To think I wanted to write a post like this:
"*Picture of the four of us*
Together, we're J4M. Without me, it's Incomplete, because I'm not there and it's not the Four of us anymore.
(And I'm really touched by the way (:)
And no matter what, we'll go through this together, the FOUR of us, not just three, because I have faith in you guys and I believe we can pull this off. It's the four of us, through and through. Nothing will break us. We're the four of us."

Foolish thinking? Deception?
No, shut up, just fucking shut up. Don't deny it. I'm sorry I'm hurting you guys and you feel you can't trust me anymore. Look. I'm not a part of you anymore, right? Oh no, I'm the betrayer, the hurter, the one who doesn't fucking understand. I'm sorry.

You guys can't see it but I can see where you guys are wrong, because I'm not a part of the problem. Sorry I'm the only one who feels this way. Sorry I've become a part of the enemy now. Don't even try to convince yourselves otherwise. It's plain fucking obvious.

Thanks for everything you've given me. You guys are still the closest people I have, because you know, I'm a pathetic loser who can't, mustn't get close to people. I love you guys and I'll continue trying my best. Until I give up, anyway, which probably won't be soon because there's no one else this pathetic idiot can go to, eh?

I love you guys. Yes, I've become that little pathetic puppy trying to tag along. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry M, 'cos you keep having to convince me it isn't so. Don't anymore. Don't, it makes me feel guilty that you have to go through the trouble. 'Cos I don't know what to do, I don't know where my life is headed, but it isn't any of your fault. It's my own fault for believing we could pull through.

And my goodness, what's that freaking smiley face for? Something to be proud of? Something happy? Something funny and free?

May 2, 2009

I'm watching service online now

Sometimes I tell myself that maybe not having this ability is a good thing, or not having it yet is a good thing. Maybe waiting is good, maybe waiting is His plan for me. 
Jessie once told me that He has a different plan for everyone, and maybe I'm not like everyone else, maybe I'm special. Waiting would help me grow stronger, and I would appreciate the gift much more when it comes. And most of the time this helps me get through my sadness, that little bit of hope I have. 
I have faith in Him, and I know he will give this gift to me if/when he feels I'm ready for it, because He knows best. He knows all about me, including the things I don't know. I shouldn't rush for this, because I'm only... me. I don't know anything about what my future will be like, but God's got a whole plan ahead of me.

At other times, I really want this, because I want to be able to pray better, I want to be closer to Him, to know that He hears every single prayer I pray. This gift is a miracle, and each time it's used it's proof that miracles happen through God. Do you guys feel the miracle of God working through you each time you pray in this gift?
Sometimes I feel really strong about something, and I want to pray and express my desperation, but sometimes it doesn't seem enough. Sometimes I wish I could pray in such a way that He knows how desperate I truly am, how hungry I truly am for Him. Human language is limited. The perfect language isn't, and this perfect language is not restricted.
Actually I believe that it's never really defined, but the way you speak it depends on who you are, on your spirit, because we're all different. I listen, and I've realised that every one of you speak it differently and in your own unique way, which is very interesting to discover. It's not a defined language. It's your own. Each one of you speak it differently; it's God's language to you and you only. It's proof He knows you; it's proof He hears you; it's proof He listens.

'Till that time comes for me, I will wait patiently and continue to seek Him.

May 1, 2009

Jason talked to me today

 Jason said he and Xiao Xuan felt that although I'm the furthest away from the CG physically (when I can't go for fellowship at all, and I can't go for services, and I can't even go for CG sometimes, and I can never meet up with the CG members), I'm also the closest spiritually or something like that. Jason said he can see my thirst for God and my willingness to know more about him and to do what I can for the CG.
That's really nice of him, and very encouraging for me, because even he as a CG leader notices these little things. 
But then there were also the depressing things, like about the 3 of them and his problems. I feel really depressed hearing it. And I know that if I were to join in the CG and go for services more, he would realise I'm like that too, because I'm the most unsociable person out of the 4 of us and I never really have things to say to people, there are always a lot of awkward moments and I generally don't like mixing with people lah.
Jason told me something scary. It scared me, anyway. It's especially scary because it came from my CG leader, and it could very well be a "prophesy" (Hahaha), something God told him. And if it's really true, if the prediction is real.. I'm afraid you guys will fall away from God. 
I'm really really really really really afraid of that. I don't want you guys to fall from God ever, unless I know that you'll come back spiritually stronger. But there's no telling, and I'm afraid to lose you guys as my sisters in Christ, because I love you guys so much.

(first half of post removed)
I feel really encouraged because of what he told me.

Then again, it set me thinking, and I realise it's been something I've realised long ago.

Ask yourselves, people: Why do you go for CG/service?
Is it to meet up with friends? Is it because it's really fun? 

Do you still think about God and really love him after the CG/service? Like, on a normal day where everything seems dull, or when you're really tempted to do something that's against God?

If your new CG had nobody you knew, would you still go?
Do you go for CG because you genuinely, truly want to improve your relationship with God?

I think that's the most important question to think about, because it determines how faithful/passionate for God you really are.

This... is a church in Africa.

And I feel that the people most worthy of respect are people who praise God even though they might even get prosecuted for it, like in China some time ago. Doesn't that reflect true faith? Not giving up in your pursuit for God even when you know you're all alone in your faith and might even get jailed for it. These are the people who truly love God. I cannot say I would ever live up to that kind of faith, but we should all try our best, shouldn't we?

Well, if you didn't know anyone who was a Christian and you constantly got condemned for your religion, and church was nothing more than a boring old building, would you still go? Would your faith for God still be.. there, let alone strong?