May 3, 2009

What a joke, no?

How stupid I was when I told myself I could count on you guys to be there for me, how it didn't matter if I didn't have close friends in school.
How stupid I was when I thought I could count on anyone at all.

I need to remember that I'm pretty much jinxed, I can't be too close to people emotionally or I would hurt them and they would hurt me.

I wish I could be there. I wish things didn't turn out this way. Maybe you don't give a damn anymore. I'm not referring to the rest of you, I'm only referring to YOU.

No, now I'm nothing but a distant friend, we just didn't work out eh?

To think I wanted to write a post like this:
"*Picture of the four of us*
Together, we're J4M. Without me, it's Incomplete, because I'm not there and it's not the Four of us anymore.
(And I'm really touched by the way (:)
And no matter what, we'll go through this together, the FOUR of us, not just three, because I have faith in you guys and I believe we can pull this off. It's the four of us, through and through. Nothing will break us. We're the four of us."

Foolish thinking? Deception?
No, shut up, just fucking shut up. Don't deny it. I'm sorry I'm hurting you guys and you feel you can't trust me anymore. Look. I'm not a part of you anymore, right? Oh no, I'm the betrayer, the hurter, the one who doesn't fucking understand. I'm sorry.

You guys can't see it but I can see where you guys are wrong, because I'm not a part of the problem. Sorry I'm the only one who feels this way. Sorry I've become a part of the enemy now. Don't even try to convince yourselves otherwise. It's plain fucking obvious.

Thanks for everything you've given me. You guys are still the closest people I have, because you know, I'm a pathetic loser who can't, mustn't get close to people. I love you guys and I'll continue trying my best. Until I give up, anyway, which probably won't be soon because there's no one else this pathetic idiot can go to, eh?

I love you guys. Yes, I've become that little pathetic puppy trying to tag along. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry M, 'cos you keep having to convince me it isn't so. Don't anymore. Don't, it makes me feel guilty that you have to go through the trouble. 'Cos I don't know what to do, I don't know where my life is headed, but it isn't any of your fault. It's my own fault for believing we could pull through.

And my goodness, what's that freaking smiley face for? Something to be proud of? Something happy? Something funny and free?

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