May 6, 2009

This proves we're muggers

Out of the 130 Crescent contacts I have online, apart from myself, only Jollin is online.
Hahahaha so funny everyone else is busy studying. SS!!!!

Chinese was okay, for the first time ever I wrote like 2 and a half pages for letter writing! 'Cos I wrote informal letter. Crapped a lot. Wrote 3 and a half pages for compo. First time I'm doing bao zhang bao dao for exams!

Reflecting on bao zhang bao dao, and what Jt said, and what Maddie said, and what Jason said, made me realise something.
I give up too easily (I realised that long ago), like you know, 温室里的小花,禁不起风吹雨打. (SEE JT, I KNOW THE PHRASE NOW!)
Whenever there's a small setback, I give up. Even in the things I love doing the most, I think of giving up (but often when there's someone else to push me along, I feel too paiseh to give up).

So for Bao Zhang Bao Dao, when we first learnt it we all found it super hard and I totally sucked at it, failed and everything, it could take me four hours to complete a short essay. But we kept getting drilled to do it, we had no choice but to do it even though we all really hated it. I vowed never to do Bao Zhang for any exam and for the O's. I hated it, could never remember the format, could never find the right phrases, could never come up with the right Reasons for the problem / Solutions to the problem, and it required so much thinking. I hated it so badly but I had no choice but to do it, so I did.
And now.. I still think I'm much better at Narrative essays than bao zhang bao daos, but I'm getting better than it. I actually got above 30/50 a few times! (Yah lah I can hear people lauging at me already. It's an achievement for me okay! X|)

And guess what, for this Prelims I did what I vowed never to do.

So... I hate hardship and I give up very easily, and it takes a lot of time to get used to it, but with lots and lots and lots of torture and practise, I'm able to do it.

For Tongues, it's very very exhausting to try somehow, and I'm not able to do it right. On the first night I tried, I tried at around 2.30am two days ago, because I stayed up doing my STUPID NOTES THAT TURN OUT TO BE REDUNDANT. I was quite tired, but I got the energy to try, and I kept trying, but it really wasn't right. I couldn't do it properly; I was thinking too much.
I told Mad and Jason. Jason said it's okay, just keep jiayou-ing. Maddie said maybe God wants me to wait a little more. I accepted Mad's more readily because I thought that too, but I remebered Jason's and tried again last night. Last night was.. a little better, just a little. Although it still sounds nothing like Tongues to me. There's a little bit of improvement. My Gatekeeper thoughts don't come as much. Just a little bit less.
And I felt like giving up, I really did. It would've been so much easier to agree with Mad totally because I felt that way too, but since my CG leader had so much confidence in me I thought it'd be bad to let him down.

I'm grateful for learning from Mad and Jt that it isn't a "suddenly-you-can-do-it-really-well" thing, it also takes a lot of time, practise and patience. If I didn't ask them about it I would probably have given up, because I thought Tongues is a gift that just strikes you all of a sudden one day.
Mad and Jt had to discover stuff about it on their own, but both of them didn't give up. I had advice from three people, and I almost gave up. It just shows how weak I am.

But thank God for the advices you guys have given me. And I'll continue trying, and hopefully improving bit by bit everyday. It may take me a month to get used to speaking in Tongues confidently, it may take me six months, it may take me a few years even, but I'll just keep trying.


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