May 25, 2009

Reading my friends' blogs and realising how much I've missed.

To Jt and Jan:
Your faith is amazing.
You know, if I were there, I'd probably be crying and screaming, not because of God working through me but because I'd be terrified and want to go home.

The demon inside me, no?

I'm a very realistic, practical person. The kind who says "if there's no proof, I won't buy it". That's why it took me a long long time to accept the Bible in the first place.
Now, so when it comes to stuff like this, weird, scary things happening to people for no reason, I get really scared. What's happening? Do they know what's going on? What's really going on? How can.. screaming and writhing on the floor and losing consciousness and crying be holy? No it doesn't make sense to me, probably because I'm very used to the more "conservative" churches we all (except Jt) came from and I can't let go of that. Stuff like this... are far from peaceful to me.

Like in the chapel of St Andrew's Cathedral, I feel this amazing sense of peace, even though the place is rather run-down. Sitting at the benches of some tented area with only plastic chairs and tables outside the chapel gives me a feeling of peace and security, and it's amazing, because the place is so normal and it doesn't even look nice or very clean. That's the difference the presence of the Holy Spirit makes. That feeling that washes over me there is peace, comfort. In CHC, sometimes all I feel is tense.

Stuff like this, like the rebuking of the demonic spirits, just make everything much less peaceful, much less comforting, and way more stressful and traumatising. 

Now, how do you make someone who lives her life based on facts and proof believe that things like falling to the floor crying and screaming is because of God, and is going to help you be holier? I mean, ... yeah.

I think I'm just terrified of the unknown. It could be the evil spirits in me, yes, but I think it's more of my character, how I was brought up the past 16 years.

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