Once upon a time, I could search Karen Ho and my blog would be one of the first few results displayed. I could type something like "bu liu lei de ji chang" and my blog would be on the first page of results. Now I can only find it if I search "thehyperjjfan". -.- It's okay. My blog shall rise again. MUAHAHAHA.
I've set my blog to public, which means it can be found on search engines and stuff. So what? I've nothing to hide. Okay, maybe I do, I guess I can't post what I had intended to post, but nevermind. Even if I do, I couldn't care less anymore. I've nothing to hide. Just that there are certain people whom I hope will have the self-discipline not to read it. My mum said someone told her I said something bad about her on my blog. I didn't, who said that?! That was the reason I changed my blog url and disabled the internet thing. Maybe I'll do it again if it happens again. Irritating noseyaunties.
Anyway, the reason I'm setting it to public is because I want people to read my blog because I want to find people who can relate to what I'm feeling, anonymous virtual people who can share their own experiences with me and let me know I'm definitely not alone in all I'm feeling. No matter what it is. E.g. God, studies, love, friendship. My heart's sort of in a mess, right now my life is so much more screwed emotionally than I'd ever hoped it'd be.
(Amelia, it's not that I want to get hits okay).
And maybe I want to see how far I can get in this weird virtual blogging world. Maybe my posts and what I'm going through would help someone else feel she isn't alone. Maybe I want people to touch me, and I want to touch people. And as I've said before, there are some questions I wish the world could hear and ponder on.
So no matter how anonymous you are, whether you're from Singapore or U.S. or Korea or Iraq or Ukraine or Mars, I hope you'll leave a tag (: or an email - firstname.lastname@example.org, or an MSN/Facebook message - email@example.com, or..an SMS (Lol, 'cos I won't be online much thanks to O's - email me), and share your thoughts and experiences with me, 'cos they will be appreciated.
This is one weird post.
Oh and I want to change my URL but all those I want are TAKEN. Themusicinme, ilovemusic, ibreathemusic, even theremustbemoretolife is taken. GRR. I should just do something gay like iamkarenho HAHA.
I want to change my blogskin too but I really like the layouts and everything of this one. :/
Now people can read my blog from Facebook! :O Go to my profile, look at the left sidebar, and scroll down. It's just below Information and Friends. WOOHOO SO COOL!
I've got loads to blog about but not now. Ting says we must sacrifice for O's. She sacrificed her greatest love - TV, she could even memorize the whole programme schedule - to study 18 hours a day (and sleep 6 hours a day). No wonder some people make it and some don't.
Wait, if she's that smart why's she leading a sad life as a teacher? Haha. My dad also. He topped his standard/class (I can't remember which. I hope it's the latter; I'd feel a little more reassured) in crazy RAFFLES INSTITUTION haha and he has an Engineering degree and now he's a teacher. Aww. Teachers have sad lives lah. I don't know why they do it.
Will explain why my dad took up teaching another time. It's quite amusing heh heh.
Okay, I stayed back in class today with Chris and I started trying to sing the NDP Songs for that stupid competition.
I'M DISTRAUGHT. I REALLY AM.
Dear Kelly and whoever might have had hope on me, I'm sorry but I sound like a tone-deaf screechy shaky idiot now. Really. When I try to sing the high notes I remind myself of.. Reflection UGHHHHH. I don't want to go on stage and sing. I'd sound like a complete idiot in front of the whole school and all the teachers and my Dance juniors and I'd totally humiliate myself and the whole class. I'm serious. I haven't sung in months, I can't do it anymore! I think I need to start from Beginners' (okay, maybe Intermediate) all over again, seriously. I'm singing from my throat instead of the diaphragm again and I can't seem to correct it. I sound like I'm going to die when I try to reach the high notes - my voice breaks, it's forever shaky, sometimes it's really really off. In short, I sound stupid when I sing now.
I don't want to go on stage. It's like walking towards the edge of the plank when you know you're definitely going to fall into the sea and drown unglamly and humiliatingly and painfully and die. (Weird analysis I know, but yeah)
I really hope the Don't Forget the Lyrics thing isn't what I think it is. I hope it's something like, where the whole school sings and I'm just supposed to guess the lyrics when the music stops. Yeah.
HELP I DON'T WANT. I SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT I REALLY DO.
Btw Yao De, confession time: I said "damn" and "asshole" 'cos I was so pissed at how horribly I was singing.
P.S. Chris takes SUPER GOOD photos of the sky. She makes the sky outside our school look like it's out of some tragic, surreal movie. Amazing. Like as if Singapore were that interesting.
They say if you do something right, you'll feel the peace of God with you.
Maybe my heart's been hardened into stone.
The opponent's on me, trying to get me to loosen my grip, taunting me, mocking me, putting me down easily with just one arm. If I dare to let my guard down even just a little bit, I'd lose and admit defeat immediately. The only way to get through this is to struggle, and struggle and struggle and struggle, no matter how long it takes; eventually, tired as I am, I'll be able to summon the strength to break away from his strong, deadly grasp.
You won't get me.
If God has ever come to me during this period of time, it's through great friends like you guys - Jason, Carmen, and Janey (and Yao De for keeping me so occupied with brainless SMS-ing that I can't really think about anything else that often). Ah, an unexpected lot. But God doesn't do the expected.
God, do you hear me? I think maybe God was there today when my phone completely died on me and didn't respond to any buttons and I was panicking like crazy and praying like mad that it wouldn't stay dead forever, and it REVIVED! But I still can't do anything with it. I'm backing everything up now. Even if my phone doesn't work anymore, the memories stored inside are priceless; I can't lose them. In fact, memories (pictures, messages) are the main reasons I want my Tablet back. It's the only reason I don't want my phone to die just yet. (Maybe I just don't understand the value of money hahaha)
Went to Jurong Point with Yao De to look for a more simplified bible for him. He's using the New King James Version which is apparently extremely profound. He ended up getting the same bible as mine, except that his is green and soft cover. I paid for it, 'cos of that bet on my usage of vulgarities. Heh. I think I'm controlling myself much better now thank you very much. Thank God for blessing me with $33 from my aunts (unexpected ang pows) so that I can repay my tithes and get that bible and the Light of the City CD (although Idk how I'm going to get it) and that beautiful tank top. And I'm still not willing to spend the money on a new wallet to replace the one I lost (together with my IC, 4 JJFC membership cards, couple ring...T.T) and I'm still using that hideously gay Hello Kitty coin pouch. HEH.
I just got Avril's Let Go from Jenna and and now I have to drown myself in SINGAPORE SONGS thanks to the Don't Forget the Lyrics thing, UGHHHHHH. My dad has two Singapore Songs albums, 1998 and 2002. So I need the 2003-2006 Singapore Songs. HELLO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE OKAY. I need to listen to everything and memorize all the lyrics ughhhh. I only know Home because JJ sang it HEH HEH HEH. HELP ME PEOPLEEEE
SYF Performance concert was REALLY REALLY GOOD, will blog about it another time. I was taking notes about each performance throughout the concert (I borrowed a pen from someone sitting beside me lol), I tell you I'm an aspiring journalist man. :D
I MISS SYF '07 TO THE MAX. The feeling of performing in AYG can't even COMPARE to the wonderful feeling of dancing on a proper professional dance stage like UCC. The adrenaline rush you feel is phenomenal. Ahh I miss it so much. If I get really good results, maybe I'll go the SAJC just for Dance. LOL. I really want to relive that lah. But it's highly unlikely. I've already set my sights on Poly anyway.
Kelly Chua: SS timed trial, Geog Nat. Veg timed trial, Amaths Integration, SS Mock Exam, Bio Mock Exam, Emaths Class Test (i think it's Arithmetic)
You know, Sec 4 life is so great. How I love drowning my brain in incoherent strings of words and formulas. Wonderful.
My dad was reading a book on training your brain, diagrams showed that when you do simple math problems quickly, you're using a huge portion of your brain, but when doing difficult math problems, you're hardly using your brain at all. LOL. Plus the right side of your brain totally switches off.
HELLO, LET'S GO COMPLAIN TO MOE. THEY SHOULD READ THIS BOOK
I'm representing my class for the National Day Don't Forget The Lyrics competition. They'll be doing National Day songs lah. Like as if I'd be able to remember everything. I don't really know the lyrics when I sing the songs. I just scream. Heh.
I LOVE JENNA
I koped a few albums from her computer haha, including
Avril Lavigne's Let Go(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I totally love this. Was listening to it on my iPod today and I went HIGH. I remember once upon a time, when Sarah and I were young young (PRIMARY THREE), we'd listen to this on her WALKMAN HAHAHAHAHAHA WALKMAN?! Gosh I sound so ancient now.
Anyway I was totally in love with the (then) 18-year-old's songs. I remember I used to sit in front of the radio and grin myself mad when her name was mentioned. She was sort of my mini idol, I guess, before JJ came along.
But I still love her just as much. WAHAHAHAHA!
So anyway, I haven't listened to this album (Let Go) in, what, at least six years? So when I listened to the album for the first time in at least 6 years today, I was amazed that I could still sing along and stuff. GAH I LOVE HER! I really like, uh, slow/melodic / soft / mild rock songs. Does that make sense? So yeah, Avril's first album is exactly what I like.
I really like I'm With You. I think I might use I'm With You for my blog song (and replace BY2 HAHA)
Maddie, scream with me!!!!
CELESTE SHARES THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS AVRIL!!! SEPT 27. AHH!
There doesn't seem to be any time to do anything anymore, eh? So quick update, if I have the time I'll upload pictures and elaborate etc. Not very likely though, 'cos Prelims are in a months' time.
1) Yao De's trying to make me more demure, so he made a bet with me two days ago. If I manage to refrain from saying "uncouth words" this week, he'll treat me to LJS. If not, I'll treat him. Yknow usually stuff like "s**t" and "d**m" (Cannot say already!) are used to emphasize stuff etc.? So it's taking me quite a while to stop. I think I have to treat him already *looks at savings in despair*
So anyway, I shall expand my vocabulary so that I can express what I want to say and emphasize how strongly I feel about it without using "uncouth words"! And I need to expand my vocabulary anyway. Yay, two in one! DEMURE LADY!!!
2) Racial Harmony Day was...somehow quite a miserable day. To me, anyway. I don't know why. Last year it was really fun; this year it really didn't seem like much. :/ Took a lot of pictures though.
3) CHINESE LISTENING COMPRE O'S WAS THE HARDEST LISTENING COMPRE I'VE EVER DONE!!!! Like, Mdm Lim gave us 2005-2008 Listening Compre O's papers to practice, and the only LC I didn't score FULL MARKS for was 2008 (I think I got 16 or 18?) Yeah but this one was really tough!!!! I really hope I can get at least 18/20. Oh the humiliation I'll face when I don't get my A2. Haha. It's okay. I trust that God will take me where he wants to take me. Heh. Anyway what's done is done; now I must concentrate on my English.
4) Watched HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE with MADDIE and JANICE after Chinese LC on Wednesday! It wasn't as good as the other Harry Potter movies lah really. Definitely wasn't as good as I expected it to be. It's still great though. (Duh lah it's Harry Potter leh) Janice said it was BORING D: Haha Maddie and I were like "How can it be boring? It's Harry Potter leh!"
Oh man some people don't get it. Harry Potter is like...LEGENDARY! The Star Wars of the century! Ahh some people live sad lives. *Hint hint Jessie*
Oh, took neoprints too. Very ugly. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm getting uglier. I bet it's stress. HEH.
Then then then we were trying to put the coins in the machine, and when it came to the last coin I tried about four times but it just wouldn't go in, so I was quite irritated. Then Janice took the coin from me and said "In Jesus' name this coin shall be accepted!" AND IT WENT IN WAHAHAHA GOD'S GOT A COOL SENSE OF HUMOR YAY \m/
5) Gosh I don't know why but I've got a weird fetish for old and gay men. Shan't talk about the gay part, I might get an S.O. from the school HEH HEH HEH, but I really like that substitute Chem teacher Mr Teo! His pronunciation's atrocious but he teaches AT MY PACE (i.e. very very very slowly), which is amazing. I never thought there'd be a Chem teacher who would go that slow. What's more, he even asked "Am I going to fast?" WAH THAT DID IT I LOVE HIM HAHAHA
And I used to really detest Mr Toh but eh I LOVE HIM TOO! His pronunciation is quite bad too, but his voice is HAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY. Like, there was this time he said something and then the class was very quiet so we thought he was done then he suddenly shouted "THEN", which gave me quite a shock hahaha. Kelly said he sounds like he's always in pain. And I think his way of teaching is quite good leh! Like, I actually understand what he teaches. I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND INTEGRATION NOW!!! Like, :D
Oh no. This post's rather long for a "fast fast update" eh :/
I don't want to have to act a certain way so that certain people will like me. I'm quiet and un-fun. Live with it. You guys were my closest friends and I didn't have to act at all but I guess I'll have to fight for this now.
It's inevitable, really, looking at the number of cases in Singapore (okay, they don't even bother keeping track anymore, but still, can guess right) and how fast it has spread. I'm telling you, the government isn't doing enough. But I think I've said enough in my July 15th post (entitled I lub Sumay).
So anyway, being the kiasi person I am, I've decided to take precautions by:
- Avoiding the canteen and other common school areas as much as possible. I'll try my best to stay in the classroom unless I need to go to the toilet (to wash my hands like mad with the school's gross flourescent pink soap). I'll bring my lovely Dettol hand sanitiser along (although I'm kind of doubting the effectiveness of it). I'll bring food to school everyday (it was Shepherd's Pie today, and it'll be Shepherd's Pie tomorrow, and maybe fried noodles from that day onwards) and actually record down my temperature in the log book (but only 2/3 of the people with H1N1 get fevers!).
I'm not socially responsible enough to give dear Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince a miss though. YAY I LOVE HARRY POTTER HARRY POTTER HARRY POTTER I CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH THE MOVIE YAY MADDIE AND JANICE!!!
I'm afraid to see what you've blogged, or hear from you. You shouldn't be reading this.
Thank you Janey for being someone I can share my problems with anytime, and for just being there for me with (real or written) hugs and pats, for laughing with me, and for sharing your own problems with me all the time, because I feel like a friend. You have no idea how grateful I feel, really, I don't know how I'd survive the day without you. *virtual hug*
Thank you Yao De for burning a hole in my wallet (okay, my wallet's non-existent because I lost it, together with my IC, couple ring, 4 JJFC membership cards, and a whole lot of other precious things, including the wallet itself) pouch (LOL) with all that SMS conversations. Yeah I feel the money slipping through my fingers already, but it keeps me from feeling lonely (:
Thank you Jason for...everything.
Thank you Annie for your concern and advice, and Amelia for your hug and what you said on MSN, and even Jovina, and Sperm, and everyone else who helped me in one way or another. I love you guys.
Oh and how could I forget Carmen? Dear, you're an angel (: "Sweetie, I know you're going through a hard time. But always remember that God is with you. Never let Satan get into your head and tell you otherwise. You are God's child, you have the right to cast that thought our of you. Dear, we're all going through hard times, but also remember that it's the journey that really counts and makes us a stronger person. I love you dear, stay strong!"
That's incredibly sweet, coming from someone who 1) isn't really a close friend of mine, and 2) has lost a mother. I mean, if I were you, I'd probably just shrug it off as, you know, just another one of 'em lame breakups, and say 'cmon, try being me. But you didn't and that really touched me, and I love you for that.
If you truly love God, you'll love His children too.
No, I don't like how you guys keep talking about how much you love God and implying how holy you are when it definitely isn't reflected in your actions. The most important thing about CrezDance is respect. Without respect, no matter how good your actions are (or how good you think they are), or how disciplined you think you are, doesn't matter at all. The most important thing is respect. Crezdance is ALL about respect. I thought I've emphasized that countless times before. You guys aren't showing it, haven't been showing it at all, ever. I never wanted to talk about this but this is getting out of hand.
So stop talking about how much you love God if you can't even get this straight. God-fearing Christians as holy as you seem wouldn't be proud of their rebellion towards their seniors. Okay I know I'm in no position to judge your holiness (or lack of it) because, really, only God knows, but I just want you (and the rest of your group of friends) to know that your attitude towards Dance and the seniors is disgusting. It isn't funny, it isn't popular, it's just plain disgusting and just to let you know, the seniors can choose to kick you out of Dance if necessary.
Crescent Dance has been around for, uh, how many years? Close to twenty or more than twenty, that's all I know.
The decades of friendship that existed right from the beginning is tense now. I wonder how angry and hurt the seniors would feel if they knew about this.
If AYG hasn't impacted you guys enough then I don't know what can help you guys, but I just hope all of you are putting in your best effort for the love of Dance, because Dance, to me and all the rest of your seniors, was our motivation to get through the week, was what kept us going, gave us a purpose, a passion, in school life. The friends we've found there are closer to us than our classmates, and our bond is .. as strong as the ionic bonds in an ionic lattice haha (the word "bond" reminded me of that). Not only that, the thing that made Crescent Dance so memorable was the hardship we went through, and our seniors' scoldings, and our reverence of them. No exaggeration. I guess the lack of hardship, scoldings and respect has resulted in this. Guin's so right; Dance has changed so much and when I say I miss Dance, I actually miss our years of Dance. Each new batch that leads and comes in is different, whether in a good or bad way, and with each year Dance is evolving. The amount of respect in Dance, as compared to three/two years ago, is almost zero. I guess I wasn't harsh enough.
Cell Group was awesome. It always is. CG is my weekly spiritual booster. It's more powerful than service.
To you, I doubt you would want to be named, but anyway.
You've touched me deeply because I can relate to how you feel. Well I don't really exactly know how you feel, but I can guess, based on my own experiences.
Together with Janice, Jt and Madeleine, I first came to City Harvest in Oct'08. (We were Jason's wife's, Xueling Laoshi's, vocal students in OB)
Before that, I was....well, I guess I wasn't really much of a Christian. I went to Sunday School in ST ANDREWS CATHEDRAL \m/ for 7-8 years, stopped in P6 thanks to PSLE and hadn't gone to church since. God was pretty much invisible in my life.
City Harvest impacted me greatly and I tried to let God back into my life again, but it was extremely, extremely difficult, and I thought of giving up a lot of times, thanks to a lot of struggles. Thanks to God, my relationship with my boyfriend was wrong, everything I was doing was wrong, I had to rebuild my life, and it wasn't easy. I don't know how I made it through, but subconsciously my life started changing little by little.
K that's not the point. Anyway, Janice had gotten the gift of Tongues before coming to CHC, and Maddie and Jt got it in around December I think. I wasn't really able to go for CG much thanks to my parents, and I'd just sit there wishing I had the gift too. Tongues was mega freaky to me at first; it sounded to me like as if the people were in a mad trance, and it was some time before I got over the fear of it. Later, I started to get envious of my friends who had this gift, because they knew it was God speaking through them, He was listening. I could only pray in English; sometimes I felt like I was doing all this for nothing, like as if I were speaking to the walls of my house. I felt angry that God had blessed them all instead of me, I felt abandoned by God. A lot of times, I doubted God even knew me - if he existed, that was. During that one Prayer Meeting that totally freaked me out for a very long time, I felt the most alone in God's house.
So, Jt and Maddie were only in CHC for two months when they got the gift. I felt confused, abandoned by God, and very envious. One day I decided that it was okay that I didn't have it yet, because I knew that the longer God kept me waiting, the more I would treasure it in the end. And I was Karen; I was unique, God's plans for everyone are different. Maybe God had something greater in store for me in the future! I tried really hard to be happy about it, and tried to let the jealousy and anger in me subside. When I plucked up the courage to ask Jason "When do you think I should ask for the gift of Tongues?", he replied that now was the time, and anything in God would be given to me if I asked for it. He said he would pray for me. I was ecstatic.
That day passed and I was still unable to speak in Tongues. I had more hope, of course, but the hope was fading and doubt was setting in again. After Jason's prayer, I still didn't have it. I told Jason, and he said I had to believe I had it, and I must try, but I just couldn't.
One day during CG in May, Jason picked out a phrase and asked the person who felt this was for her to read it out. I knew it was me.
Mark 11:24 "You can pray for anything and believe you have received it, and it will be yours"
That gave me incredible hope. I kept on trying, trying, and one day, I could do it.
I didn't suddenly start speaking gibberish, of course; the first day, something slipped past my lips as I was trying, and suddenly I felt a spark ignite in my chest, and I knew that was it. It was just a fraction of a second, and I couldn't do it again that night. The next night, and the night after that, and for all the nights after that day, I kept on trying, trying, and each time I was able to feel it for just a little fraction of a second. It didn't sound like Tongues at all, but I just kept trying night after night. One day, I went for CG. And I tried again, and then I knew that I had been given the gift of Tongues, and I was slowly learning how to use it.
People like Maddie and Jt took two months. I was in CHC for seven months before I got it. But I must say, knowing how badly I wanted it has made me treasure this gift so much.
Well, I don't know what you're scared about because your sister didn't explain, and I don't know what your problems regarding this are, but if you haven't received the gift yet, remain strong in faith. God has different plans for everyone and I hope that this super long post will help you. I don't know you that well, but I cried while praying for you during CG because if you're feeling what I think you're feeling, I know how painful and discouraging and dry it feels. By the way, you can look at my past CHC-related entries here. Some entries talk about my struggles with Tongues and with accepting this charismatic church. I just hope I'll be able to help you (:
Stay strong, and I'm here if you would like to talk to me! (: With love, Karen.
By the way,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEST SISTAAAHH!
HEH HEH HEH you Mad rockahh, remember how you used to use MY CAMERA to take your zilian pictures? *evil grin*
I don't feel like doing a dedication post now. My hands are tired. You didn't reply my birthday SMS! Have fun at the club and the hotel (: HARRY POTTAH(!!!!)
Jenna: If I gave you half my boobs I'd be flat. Isabella: If I gave you half my boobs I'd be hollow!
Idk how we're going to do a class video now ): I hope it'll still be good. As if things weren't last minute enough, other things had to crop up.
Screw that day: One girl realised how precious her friends were and how she'd never really cherished them before, one girl became emotionally unstable, and 20+ traumatised girls learnt an important lesson. (Lj) (4S2, shh!)
To you and you: Lubchew guys, take care!
Mrs Rupa says my English standard is getting worse. D: As if I needed that. I'm already failing my compres; I need Compo and Oral marks to pull my English marks up and I really need that A1. It's a personal goal thing. I can't not get an A1 for English. Look at my standard now.
OMG this is damn funny. The publishers were either too innocent to notice the vulgar implications of the picture, or wanted to make a little joke HAHAHA
Okay another one. Some of the photos are mega obscene for people, uh, below my age (or my age maybe, depending on who you are) and I know some people would feel quite uncomfortable with some of the pictures but some are damn funny. Don't view this if you're under 16. http://thisisphotobomb.com
I need to find a day to upload all my pictures. Especially those of Janeen's Frog hahaha. I have enough picture of Janeen's Frog day to make a whole new Facebook album (which I shall do). And I STILL haven't blogged about the Very Singers' course graduation concert and AYG (!!)
Will do it when I get around to uploading the pictures. Heh. I'm too lazy to edit the lighting and stuff, so we will all have to live with sucky photo lighting (:
We should all be made to undergo tests for H1N1 every week or something. It's spreading way too fast and Singapore is entering the fourth stage of the flu cycle which means there'll be an even more rapid and drastic increase in the number of H1N1 cases (Like as if our population is damn big), and I totally bet there are a thousand other people in Singapore who have the H1N1 flu but just didn't bother getting tested.
Singapore isn't doing enough, definitely. The flu is spreading so fast and I know a number of schools which have H1N1 cases but aren't closed yet. Sumay and Yaode, take care!
Sumay said she wore a mask out to, you know, be socially responsible and take extra precautionary measures (blah blah blah), and then she got a lot of worried stares from passersby. I found that quite funny. Like, shouldn't people be worried about those who aren't wearing masks instead? She's protecting the public and yet they're afraid of her because of that! LOL! And for all you know, the person coughing a metre away could be infected with H1N1 but people aren't scared because he isn't wearing a mask. HAHAHA. The way the human mind works is amusing.
Lady Gaga refuses to let me cry, 'cos she's screaming into my ears so that I can't hear my own thoughts. I lub her.
Okay I was talking to Sumay and then I realised that maybe I should go to Singapore Poly instead. Idk. NP obviously seems much more fun but in the end it's the grades and reputation that matter. I don't really want to do my Mass Comm degree in a Singaporean university, because that'd get me nowhere. I mean, NUS is one of the best universities in the world but it's more for the medical / law courses, not stuff like Mass Comm. I'm quite tempted to go to Australia to do my degree (if I can), because, like, I know quite a number of people who went there to study haha. Peter, Fran and uh my distant cousin (I somehow can't remember her name right now. Melissa?) are doing JC and university there, and Nich & Eythan's and Audrey & Emma's families migrated there (from Penang and Singapore respectively). Not bad right.
But if the guys there turn out to be jerks like ahem, then I'd rather stay in Singapore. HEH.
So now. Which one would give me a better chance of scoring better and would give me better future career/studies prospects? Which one produces more top scorers in Mass Comm?
I hope that soon, all of this will come to an end. I hope that soon, we'll be able to begin on another journey - as friends.
It's hard for me to let go - you're the sweetest baby anyone could ever have, and the memories haunt me. I try my best not to think about it.
It's tough, it was so much tougher yesterday, but I know I'll be stronger when you are stronger. Now that you're a little stronger too, I can be stronger too, and I hope you'll always remain strong, so that I can too.
I mustn't dwell on the past anymore. The past was beautiful, I can't emphasize that enough, but... I guess I, we, need to learn to put that all in the past and move on with our heads held high. Maybe it'll take a month or two, or.. three or four or five, but no matter what, we must leave this all behind one day and move on with life. Only when we've truly moved on can we be friends. Maybe we shouldn't meet until then too.
I'll be waiting for that day to come. (: 'Till then, let's be strong.
Lady Gaga's music is the Panadol for my heart. When I blast it loud, it blocks all my unhappy thoughts out, pushes them all to the little corner at the back of my mind. I know they're sitll there, and they try to come out of their little corner, but the beats of the dance songs flood my mind temporarily. Being blank is better than being emo, right? I can't listen to slow songs, or even worse, Chinese songs, because they'd kill me. I was daring enough to try The Veronicas, also at full blast. Sumay made me forget my thoughts for a while when she called me.
Then when I come home and switch on my computer, I read what you have to say, and I start crying all over again. All over again.
I don't want to do this. But I need strength. If I go back to you, it means I don't have the strength to do what I should do. If I go back to you, I'll just continue hurting you again and again and again and it'd be a cycle that'd never end. I don't want to keep hurting you anymore. I gotta stop being so selfish for once.
If I go back to you, I'll feel loved again.
This can't go on. We need to understand that we'll just be friends from now on. Not a "pseudo couple" as Jessie put it. We both need to understand that this is for the better and do this for each other, and for God if it's possible.
You know, I feel drained. I don't really feel like praying much anymore. I feel like running away. I feel like... running. Except there's no escaping. I'm in a jail cell guarded by God who's watching my every move. What's the point in thinking negative things, right? He hears them and he knows. But you can't help feelings. Fuck it. People keep telling me to pray. I can't anymore. I don't know how to anymore. I don't know who He is anymore. Again.
I need strength. I need Sumay's superhuman strength. I admire her strength yknow. Everything she did was amazing - I'm surprised she's still sane. What with her mother and Binkai and Nicholas and her friends. I'd have died long ago. I need her strength. We both need the strength to move on. Move on.
Move on, damn it.
It's day three, damn it. Time seems to have passed so much faster when we were together, when there was love. It's been a freaking twenty-one months. Twenty-one months - a year and 8-9 months - doesn't seem like a lot for a relationship. Not even two years long, yes? But the memories we had could be a lifetime's worth. Everything we went through, everything we did. The memories. Hello, my memory sucks to the max and I've lost a lot of memories and yet the memories I have of us are enough to last a lifetime.
I need time, more time to study. But now I can't study. All I can do is sit and cry. Wasting time, yes, but I can't study. I just can't get into the mood.
You know, dear, when I used to get very fed up over how ugly I looked / how fat my ass was / how many pimples I had / how terrible my fringe was, the only thing that reassured me was you.
Because I knew that no matter what, you still loved me and I was beautiful in your eyes.
I'd just picture you cupping my face in your hands and staring into my eyes with that loving gaze you always gave me. I'd feel uncomfortable because I know my face doesn't look good and I want to hide it - that's why I feel more secure under a fringe. But I always loved that gaze, the way you looked at me, the way I knew you loved me no matter how I looked because you loved me for me, and looks didn't play a part in it.
Thank you, Rev Dr AR Bernard, for making me realise something.
It doesn't help me get any closer to my decision - break or not - but it made me realise something important. God has that way of working things - making you realise/learn stuff but leaving the final decision up to you. It's IRRITATING. I want to know what He wants me to do so that I can do it, or try to do it as much as I can, anyway.
See, when Adam ate the fruit of knowledge, he was sinning by disobeying God. Disobedience was the act of sin. But it wasn't really the sin itself; the sin was what motivated him to disobey. What motivated him to disobey? He put something before God. God wasn't priority, so he listened to what the serpent said instead of God.
Idolatry = finding security/meaning in something/someone else other than God. Putting something/someone before God.
The problem with our relationship isn't so much of what everyone else thinks it is. The problem, I feel, is that we put each other, our relationship, before God.
So the problem is that we love each other too much? Okay I guess less for me because I really do pray that you'll be closer to God than me quite frequently, or that God'll help you everytime you fall. I... want you to be very very close to God. If through this, you can become a great Christian, I would be very happy and wouldn't regret this decision. If you backslide or be influenced by your friends, I don't know how to forgive myself - it'll just be another stupid mistake of mine that affected you, along with the long long list of others.
How do you break up with someone because you love that person too much?
But the other argument is that I love you too little. I don't want you to get so hurt anymore. I know you love me more than I love you and it really isn't fair to you. You don't deserve to be treated like that.. by someone like me. You're the sweetest person anyone could ever find. It isn't fair that I manage to hurt you the most, with the least effort. It sucks and I just want to stop hurting you. Come out of your shell and realise that there's so much more to the world than this.
I DON'T KNOW.
Yao De, Sumay, remind me why I'm doing this again.
Or rather, what is love supposed to feel like after almost twenty-one months? I don't know, and I don't know if what I'm feeling (or not feeling) now is love.
You and I are taking a break from each other, so that I can think about this relationship and where it's going and whether what I'm really feeling is love.
Honestly speaking, even if our break lasted a whole year, I still wouldn't know the answers. I miss you, but that's just because you were so sweet and well, I'm used to seeing / having you. It's been almost two years anyway; and two years in your teenage life is quite a lot, because in your teenage years you mature very fast.
I'd prefer to have a definite answer. Break or not? I don't want it to be me who decides. I can't decide. I can't.
At 3am last night I was reminded of the time we sat on the bench at the shopping centre and you opened your container and took out your spoon and let me eat the noodles you cooked. And that time you SMSed me yesterday morning, before everything changed, and said next time you'd help me bake a cake. And I realised I'll miss your cooking...a lot. It's not the taste I'll miss, but the love inside it. Knowing that you don't really like to cook but did it just for me, just for me, and I could taste the love in the food; that was what gave your food its flavour.
I just really hope that if we really do break up, it'll help us grow in God. It doesn't seem to be working now, but we'll see how it goes.
Dear God, yesterday I prayed for you to give me peace, the kind of peace you gave that the world couldn't give. I know the feeling; I've experienced it at St Andrew's Cathedral before... with baby. Let me experience it again? Reassurance and warmth? Instead, the tears couldn't stop falling, and my crying became uncontrollable, but I had to keep silent because my parents would wake up; I almost gagged on my cries.
Dear God, is what we're doing right? What do you want us to do? What's your plan? I wish you would tell me, God. I wish you would tell me. You're the reason this is all happening anyway.
I'm sorry for making you feel like that. I'm sorry I'm unsure of my own answer. I need you, but I can't say I need you every minute of the day without lying. I love you, but I don't know why. Maybe it's just dependency. Maybe I've become so dependent on you that it isn't love anymore, it's being used to having you there, just there. I don't know. I hate thinking about it, and you made me think about it again. Then I'll get emo, and you'll get emo, and we'll just fight all over again, tears, blood, screaming, threats and all.
But I know I hate it when you're sad/angry because you do things you know I hate. I hate having to worry myself sick, thinking "if I say this how would you react?" "Are you feeling okay now? I really hope you don't hurt herself" "I shouldn't tell you this, you'll start getting emo"
I want to tell you stuff, but when I do, you just start getting emo and when you get emo, I get really worried, whether you do anything to yourself or not.
Get the picture yet? It isn't life that's killing you; it's me.
Before you say anything, please shut up about the breaking up shit. I've told you before, if you don't mean it don't say it, and I get very irritated when you say it.
And you know, when you say something like that, I don't like it, because I don't know how to reply you and I know all I'll do is make you cry again.
There's some cheap girl in my close friend's school who charges guys $5 per finger fuck.
Is she that desperate for money? Or sex?
Another girl takes ecstasy.
That close friend of mine, almost everyone in her clique smokes.
It'd be a wonder if she were still very upright and everything, right? She says that in her class, it's normal to be rebellious/bad, whereas the "good" ones are usually the outcasts, and usually the ones who get shouted at by the teachers (obviously because the teachers want to push them because they see hope in them. I just wish they'd take time to understand how students' minds work). In a place like that, it'd be so hard to remain strong in your beliefs. It'd be even harder to, say, decide to become a "better" person.
It'd be hard to grow spiritually in an environment like this.
You, I really hope that your hard work will pay off and you'll get to a good tertiary institution where you'll hang around people of good influence and it'll be easier for you to grow in Christ.
After all, as the very famous saying goes, 近朱者赤近墨者黑.
ライミ Raven! *w* says (5:05 PM):
-hug- cheer up and have faith in her judgment as well as your own.
Eng exam - I'm quite disappointed with my results. I keep telling myself I want to get an A1, or an A at least for school exams, but.. my total score for Paper 1&2 was 64.7%. Even with oral, it's only just about 70%. And it's really disappointing. I mean, okay, I can't expect much since I bloody FAILED my stupid comprehension, but.. I only got 19/30 for Functional Writing. Which is really bad. I need to get at least 22 to get my goal.
My Eng compo - I got 25/30. I don't really think I deserved that high a mark but well, haha (: Janey got the same marks too, and although hers was half the length of mine (I think I only got the marks because my essay was 4 pages long), her descriptions were DAMN GOOD. I was very taken in by her essay. It was about ballet, about auditioning to be a prima ballerina in Swan Lake. Janey thinks it was too dramatic, but eh, I don't think so. After being in Dance for four years, no I don't think it was too dramatic. It was passionate, and passion's what Dance is all about (: DAMN AZALEA GOT 27/30 OMGGGGG. She's also the top in the level for English! 74%.
(Wah lao, I'm making Crescent sound like a loser school. Top student got 74% lol)
"There was a spark in the corner of her eye. And the spark ignited into a flame, glowing, sparkling, before igniting into an inferno."
- Janey. It had something to do with the ballet teacher scolding her and telling her to give up her chances of auditioning for the role. Pretty right? Here's another phrase:
"She was a swan, her grace and beauty depicted in dance"
Mine was about singing. Azalea, Janey and I wrote about determination.
"When I was young and could not express myself in words, I would lie sprawled over the rug in the living room and watch television programmes that involved a lot of music, like Sesame Street. Whenever a song came on, I would giggle excitedly and try to clap or squeal or dance along. My passion for music had been evident even at that time. However, there was just one problem: I was tone-deaf.
The colours and emotions certain types of songs made me think of was my way of interpreting them. However, as much as I enjoyed trying to clap or sing along, I was also unable to grasp the tunes or beats played. I, oblivious to this problem of mine, would sing and try to bop my head to the beats every time a song played, whether in reality or in my mind, not knowing that I was making a complete fool of myself. All that mattered to me was that I loved music, and it had a way of expressing my emotions, through the emotions the song itself conveyed.
When I was thirteen, a fresh, naive preteen who believed wholly in dreams, I decided to take up a singing course. My friends and parents laughed and encouraged me mockingly, unaware that I had meant what I said. When I told them it was not a joke, my friends glanced at one another uncomfortably and told me I would never even be able to carry a simple tune.
Dreams shattered and self-esteem torn apart, I sought solace in my aunt, a young, doe-eyed woman who was a vocal instructor. Eyes wet with tears, I asked my aunt if I had any hope at all in being able to sing. My aunt looked into my eyes assuringly, her gaze full of warmth, sympathy and comfort.."
I think the most profound word I used was "oblivious". LOL. HAHAHA. Or "understatement". Or "reconfirming" HAHA. You know what, I really should learn from Janey and Azalea and improve on my vocabulary.
Jessie said something I found quite true. I can write, but the stuff I write would be the stuff you'd find in model essay books, like the kind about being trapped in a lift or going fishing, the lame shit. Stuff Jessie and Millie and Annie write are beautiful, and emotional, the kind of stories that'd get you hooked, but somehow not the stuff Cambridge markers would like, which I think is very stupid and unfair. :/
OJY:"Sex is goood! Right Karen?" *slaps arm onto my back*
"Ahh! I'm an upright Christian!"
I think that was a wrong thing to say, for reasons I'm not willing to say here. Sorry babe. I change my answer to what you expected it to be. HAHA. But my point still stands, I'm trying to get away from stuff like that.
"But I think it's good for working people, because you know they don't really get exercise, then you know when you do it, like, vigorously, then you get your exercise!"
You're corrupted enough; getting yourself corrupted is one thing, I just wish you wouldn't spread your corruptness to others, others who are still pure and have a bright future in purity.
I'm sorry. I just can't say I don't feel anything about this.
Okay, I spent so much time memorizing my pagesssssssssss of yan yus (thank you Luhong!), and when I was doing the conversation thing I couldn't think of a single one. My mind just blanked out.
K I had a lot of confidence in the passage reading bit, because I could read every single word, and I could read it fluently (AND QUICKLY :O) during the practice, but during the actual thing I just on mispronouncing simple words and stammering and repeating the phrase again. AND I was speaking so slowly. The examiner on my left closed her eyes for a while. Was I that boring? D: I guess I must've been, because Jessie (who was before me) talked very fast and animatedly (I could tell from the way her head bobbed and nodded and shook)
Then at the conversation bit, my first question was something like "In your opinion, how is success defined?"
So I said "I think different people see success differently (见仁见智 - the only good phrase I used). Some people think success is having to do nothing and being rich, some people think it's being married to a rich guy (Gosh I must have sounded like a complete idiot), but some people also think that as long as they are in a job that they enjoy, the pay doesn't matter, they would feel they are successful as they are doing what they have an interest for" or something like that. Well it sounded much worse in Chinese (or MY Chinese), obviously.
Then she asked something about what I would like to do to be successful in the future, and I said I wanted to do something related to media. I SAID THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. I said "我要做关于媒介的东西". I SAID 东西!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd meant to say 工作 but before I had the time to change it, she went on to ask something like "what kind of media?" And that was the problem. I'd learnt the word for "communicative media" earlier on but couldn't remember it, that's why I said 媒介 in the first place. So when she saw my panicked expression she said "传媒还是..?" then I said in a relief "啊对对传媒!" HAHA.
AND THEN HERE'S THE REALLY REALLY BAD PART.
She asked, what would I have to do in order to achieve what I want?
And I said "我觉得我的语言要..uh..我的语言要..uh..我的华文要..我的语言要..舒畅"
LIKE GREAT LAH. I'd meant to say "I need to be fluent in my languages". AND THAT WAS HOW I SAID IT. It's like punching myself in the face lah. HELLO, I SAID SHU CHANG! WTH!?!?!?!!?!
I think she got the idea lah, and she must've been laughing inside, really. She must've been like thinking of asking me "So, do you think you've achieved that yet?" GAH GAH GAH
Okay, then she asked if I wanted to add anything else. I think the sleeping invigilator woke up before this because she realised I was staring at her.
I panicked so I said something like "我觉得如果我要成功的话, 我必须在学业方面必须多努力, 因为很多人要做关于媒介的工作, 所以竞争很激烈, 但是我觉得如果我努力"钻"的话, 一定会成功的."
Of course, I didn't say it so well. I mean what I just typed above isn't proper either, but I said it really really badly. But I think it was better than my previous YU YAN YAO SHU CHANG shit lah. -.-
I waited for Kelly, she was crying. D: It's okay Kelly, they probably gave you high marks because they were feeling high from laughing at me. HAHA. *hugs*
Okay now I need to work really hard on my A math and Chem to save my L1R5 I guess, 'cos I can't count on Chinese anymore.
HELLO I NEED COMPRE TUITION I REALLY WANT TO GET AN A1 FOR ENGLISH I CANNOT FAIL COMPRE ANYMOREEEEE. What's the point of getting A1s for Compo and Oral when my compre's a FAIL? There goes my A1, hello?
because some things I post up are directed to the world to reflect on, not just myself or a particular person.
Heh. I'm not trying to be egoistical by saying I want people to read my blog. I mean, I want my thoughts to be known. I want people to ponder over the things I ponder over, to share my sentiments.
Eh, I buay tahan already. Like, SAVE MY SANITY.
I told myself I wouldn't do a post about grammar again because I know mine isn't all that great either, and it makes me sound like an arrogant snob. But really, I need to do this. I've been wanting to do this for a really long time. I can't resist the temptation anymore.
Contractions - commonly made mistakes
- a shortened form of a word or group of words, with the omitted letters often replaced in written English by an APOSTROPHE. E.g. It's, you're, he's, she's
It's vs. Its
(I corrected my P1 teacher once because she made this mistake. NGYAHAHA)
1. It's = it is.
E.g. It's so hot outside / It's time / It's free with every purchase! / It's hurting me
2. Its = the possessive form of "it".
E.g. Its cage is dirty / The cat turned its back on me / Fate has its way of twisting things around / Everything has its advantages
I see way too many people making this mistake. People always think "it's" and "its" are the same. IT'S NOT! One's a contraction. If you're unsure of which to use in a sentence, replace "it's" with its long form, "it is", and put it into the sentence and see if it sounds weird.
E.g. "Dieting has it's/its disadvantages"? Replace "it's" with "it is" and you get "Dieting has IT IS advantages", which doesn't make sense. So the one to use is "its": Dieting has ITS disadvantages".
You're vs. Your
1. You're = you are.
E.g. You're so stupid / You're the one who caused it to happen / This is why you're so smart
2. Your = The possessive form of "you".
E.g. This dress is yours / Your hair looks terrible / I detest your attitude / Your lack of respect is appalling / This is your fault / Reach our for your dreams / Find your strengths
When you're unsure of which one to use in a sentence, expand "you're" to "you are" and fit it into the sentence, and see if it fits.
E.g. "Unleash your/you're creativity"? If you expand "you're", it would become "Unleash YOU ARE creativity", which obviously doesn't make sense, so "your" should be used in that sentence: Unleash YOUR creativity.
Who's vs. Whose
1. Who's = who is.
E.g. Who's at the door?, Who's responsible for this?, She's the one who's at fault.
2. Whose = The possessive form of "who"/"which".
E.g. She is the girl whose painting won the first prize, Whose pencils are these?, She is the girl whose mother abandoned her.
I think this is another very commonly made mistake. If you're unsure of which to use, replace "Who's" with "Who is" and put it back into the sentence.
E.g. "She is the orphan who's/whose parents died in the war"? If you replace "who's" with "who is", the sentence becomes "She is the orphan WHO IS parents died in the war" which is obviously wrong, so the answer is "whose": She is the orphan WHOSE parents died in the war.
He's vs. His
1. He's = he is.
E.g. He's mad / He's my brother / This is why he's a drug addict / He's got a great voice
2. His = the possessive form of "he".
E.g. This is his property / I don't know why you're obsessed over his dimples / His voice sucks
When you're unsure of which to use in a sentence, replace "He's" with "He is" and put it back into the sentence.
E.g. "Yao De's friend stole he's/his girlfriend"? If you expand "he's", it becomes "Yao De's friend stole HE IS girlfriend" which makes no sense so the answer is His: "Yao De's friend stole HIS girlfriend".
Okay fine my examples suck, but they're all I can think of now. I'll give better examples when I come across them.
Examples of other contractions:
- They're = they are, We're = we are
- She's = she is/has, He's = he is/has, It's = It is/has (Depending on how it's used)
- I'd = I would/had, She'd = she would/had, He'd = he would/had, We'd = we would/had, They'd = they would/had (Depending on how it's used)
- I'll = I will, She'll = she will, He'll = he will, We'll = we will, They'll = they will, It'll = it will
- I'm = I am
- I've = I have
- Isn't = is not, Aren't = are not, Doesn't = does not, Won't = will not, Weren't = were not
- Can't = cannot, Couldn't = could not, Wouldn't = would not
By the way, please please please let me know if I've made any stupid mistakes in this post. In my last grammar post, I made a huge mistake by saying the "right" examples were "wrong" and vice versa. *Slaps self*
A certain person now knows enough about me to be able to ruin my reputation forever if she wants to. (I think you know who you are. I don't need to give clues) GAHAHA. Now must maintain good relations with her already!
No lah I'm kidding. KIDDING. Because I know our friendship is genuine, more genuine than I'd ever imagine possible. I don't think there are many friends who are as true as this. When there's something we feel isn't right, when we don't agree about what the other person says/does, we can speak our mind, and to an outsider it'd sound like a fight but we know that even as we debate our feelings out, it's only because we love each other as friends and want the best for us. No hard feelings, not like what others would see, but a debate that helps the both of us become stronger in this friendship because we know what the other person really thinks. No superficiality, only genuine love.
I think we all go searching for friends like that, yes? It's a pity I don't get to talk to you / see you much, but anyway you still hold a very very special place in my heart and without you, I wouldn't have anyone to confide my deepest emotional problems in. Thank you for helping me through everything, and sharing your feelings with me too.
I've realised that I trust you enough to not have to say "Don't tell anyone" anymore, because I know you would know not to, even without me having to say anything. (Right?)
And don't worry, I think I know what I should keep private too (:
Actually, I think it took a lot of self-confidence in me to be able to type that out, and even more self-confidence not to delete this post. If we ever quarrel, which are sometimes inevitable in a strong friendship, I'm afraid I wouldn't have the self-confidence to try and be your friend again. Or with any other friend, really. I'd think "Who do you think you are, do you think that person needs you that badly, misses you that much? Maybe her life is better off without a friend like you. She's got so many other friends anyway. You're just a pathetic unsociable desperate extra. She wouldn't need you."
I need to know where I stand in my friends' hearts.
Just watch the first bit. The rest aren't important.
LIKE WHAT THE ASS HE'S SIXTEEN! SIXTEEN! And I don't even swim properly! He's super good! Got a lot of 9.5 scores from the judges! Obviously a gold medallist all the way, in the first competition (he won the first AYG gold medal! :O) he beat the 2nd guy (a Kuwaiti) by 151.65 points! THAT'S A LOT OKAY.
And there's another great one called Zhang Yanquan, I have a video of him doing SYNCHRONISED DIVING with another Chinese:
This is really mega good. I mean diving is one thing, diving and making sure you're completely in sync with someone else is another. AND THEY DID IT SO PERFECTLY! AND THEY'RE FOURTEEN!!!!!!! *faints*
I mean if I ever were to dive into any swimmning pool / sea, all I'd be able to think about would be death. How can you fall from a height of 3/5/10 metres and still think about doing somersaults and pikes and and LANDING STRAIGHT SO YOU WON'T MAKE A SPLASH?! That's crazy lah. I wouldn't even be able to tell which way I'm falling. Their splash is practically non-existent as compared to other divers okay! THIS IS MADNESS LAH!
Then again, that's why they're world champions. -.-
Had a talk with a certain friend who probably doesn't wish to be named for fear of rejection and ostracism.
I'm going to say this, I may get (verbally) slaughtered (behind my back) and hated but I'm going to say this anyway, because it's undeniably true.
I'm pretty glad I didn't choose to take triple science even though I was offered the option and was pretty tempted to do so, because a lot of people in triple science classes are very prejudiced, and terribly superficial. I guess it has to do with being in a girls' school, and I can't say my classmates aren't superficial at all, but definitely much less. Our friendships are definitely way more genuine, and I love my classmates because they're true friends, people who would help you and talk to you about your problems even if you don't know them very well. Like Mingxuan, even though I'm not really close to her, she came up to me and spent almost the whole PE period talking to me about my problems (earlier on I posted something in my Lj and she noticed that I was facing problems). And I'm really really grateful for people like this, for people whose friendships are genuine, for people who can cry out of concern for a friend they aren't really that close to, who give big hugs and words of encouragement and who'd sit in the toilet with you for half an hour to comfort you when you're sad.
I don't think I'd be able to experience this kind of thing in a triple-science class, where to most people, results are everything, and everyone has to act a certain way in order to not be ostracised. It's fake and superficial and I wouldn't be able to survive in an environment like this.
Thank you 4S2a, for celebrating everyone's unique personality and appreciating everyone's differences. From Isabella to Cui Xiao to Alagammai. I love you guys and I'm glad I'm not in any other class, because we're the best class ever.