Jul 12, 2009

I need your strength

Lady Gaga's music is the Panadol for my heart.
When I blast it loud, it blocks all my unhappy thoughts out, pushes them all to the little corner at the back of my mind. I know they're sitll there, and they try to come out of their little corner, but the beats of the dance songs flood my mind temporarily. Being blank is better than being emo, right?
I can't listen to slow songs, or even worse, Chinese songs, because they'd kill me. I was daring enough to try The Veronicas, also at full blast. Sumay made me forget my thoughts for a while when she called me.

Then when I come home and switch on my computer, I read what you have to say, and I start crying all over again. All over again.

I don't want to do this. But I need strength. If I go back to you, it means I don't have the strength to do what I should do. If I go back to you, I'll just continue hurting you again and again and again and it'd be a cycle that'd never end. I don't want to keep hurting you anymore. I gotta stop being so selfish for once.

If I go back to you, I'll feel loved again.

This can't go on. We need to understand that we'll just be friends from now on. Not a "pseudo couple" as Jessie put it. We both need to understand that this is for the better and do this for each other, and for God if it's possible.

You know, I feel drained. I don't really feel like praying much anymore. I feel like running away. I feel like... running. Except there's no escaping. I'm in a jail cell guarded by God who's watching my every move. What's the point in thinking negative things, right? He hears them and he knows. But you can't help feelings. Fuck it. People keep telling me to pray. I can't anymore. I don't know how to anymore. I don't know who He is anymore. Again.

I need strength. I need Sumay's superhuman strength. I admire her strength yknow. Everything she did was amazing - I'm surprised she's still sane. What with her mother and Binkai and Nicholas and her friends. I'd have died long ago.
I need her strength. We both need the strength to move on. Move on.

Move on, damn it.

It's day three, damn it. Time seems to have passed so much faster when we were together, when there was love. It's been a freaking twenty-one months. Twenty-one months - a year and 8-9 months - doesn't seem like a lot for a relationship. Not even two years long, yes? But the memories we had could be a lifetime's worth. Everything we went through, everything we did. The memories. Hello, my memory sucks to the max and I've lost a lot of memories and yet the memories I have of us are enough to last a lifetime.

I need time, more time to study. But now I can't study. All I can do is sit and cry. Wasting time, yes, but I can't study. I just can't get into the mood.

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