Jul 11, 2009

What does love feel like?

Or rather, what is love supposed to feel like after almost twenty-one months?
I don't know, and I don't know if what I'm feeling (or not feeling) now is love.

You and I are taking a break from each other, so that I can think about this relationship and where it's going and whether what I'm really feeling is love.

Honestly speaking, even if our break lasted a whole year, I still wouldn't know the answers. I miss you, but that's just because you were so sweet and well, I'm used to seeing / having you. It's been almost two years anyway; and two years in your teenage life is quite a lot, because in your teenage years you mature very fast.

I'd prefer to have a definite answer. Break or not? I don't want it to be me who decides. I can't decide. I can't.

At 3am last night I was reminded of the time we sat on the bench at the shopping centre and you opened your container and took out your spoon and let me eat the noodles you cooked. And that time you SMSed me yesterday morning, before everything changed, and said next time you'd help me bake a cake. And I realised I'll miss your cooking...a lot. It's not the taste I'll miss, but the love inside it. Knowing that you don't really like to cook but did it just for me, just for me, and I could taste the love in the food; that was what gave your food its flavour.

I just really hope that if we really do break up, it'll help us grow in God. It doesn't seem to be working now, but we'll see how it goes.

Dear God, yesterday I prayed for you to give me peace, the kind of peace you gave that the world couldn't give. I know the feeling; I've experienced it at St Andrew's Cathedral before... with baby. Let me experience it again? Reassurance and warmth?
Instead, the tears couldn't stop falling, and my crying became uncontrollable, but I had to keep silent because my parents would wake up; I almost gagged on my cries.

Dear God, is what we're doing right? What do you want us to do? What's your plan?
I wish you would tell me, God. I wish you would tell me. You're the reason this is all happening anyway.

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