To you, I doubt you would want to be named, but anyway.
You've touched me deeply because I can relate to how you feel. Well I don't really exactly know how you feel, but I can guess, based on my own experiences.
Together with Janice, Jt and Madeleine, I first came to City Harvest in Oct'08. (We were Jason's wife's, Xueling Laoshi's, vocal students in OB)
Before that, I was....well, I guess I wasn't really much of a Christian. I went to Sunday School in ST ANDREWS CATHEDRAL \m/ for 7-8 years, stopped in P6 thanks to PSLE and hadn't gone to church since. God was pretty much invisible in my life.
City Harvest impacted me greatly and I tried to let God back into my life again, but it was extremely, extremely difficult, and I thought of giving up a lot of times, thanks to a lot of struggles. Thanks to God, my relationship with my boyfriend was wrong, everything I was doing was wrong, I had to rebuild my life, and it wasn't easy. I don't know how I made it through, but subconsciously my life started changing little by little.
K that's not the point. Anyway, Janice had gotten the gift of Tongues before coming to CHC, and Maddie and Jt got it in around December I think. I wasn't really able to go for CG much thanks to my parents, and I'd just sit there wishing I had the gift too. Tongues was mega freaky to me at first; it sounded to me like as if the people were in a mad trance, and it was some time before I got over the fear of it. Later, I started to get envious of my friends who had this gift, because they knew it was God speaking through them, He was listening. I could only pray in English; sometimes I felt like I was doing all this for nothing, like as if I were speaking to the walls of my house. I felt angry that God had blessed them all instead of me, I felt abandoned by God. A lot of times, I doubted God even knew me - if he existed, that was. During that one Prayer Meeting that totally freaked me out for a very long time, I felt the most alone in God's house.
So, Jt and Maddie were only in CHC for two months when they got the gift. I felt confused, abandoned by God, and very envious. One day I decided that it was okay that I didn't have it yet, because I knew that the longer God kept me waiting, the more I would treasure it in the end. And I was Karen; I was unique, God's plans for everyone are different. Maybe God had something greater in store for me in the future! I tried really hard to be happy about it, and tried to let the jealousy and anger in me subside. When I plucked up the courage to ask Jason "When do you think I should ask for the gift of Tongues?", he replied that now was the time, and anything in God would be given to me if I asked for it. He said he would pray for me. I was ecstatic.
That day passed and I was still unable to speak in Tongues. I had more hope, of course, but the hope was fading and doubt was setting in again. After Jason's prayer, I still didn't have it. I told Jason, and he said I had to believe I had it, and I must try, but I just couldn't.
One day during CG in May, Jason picked out a phrase and asked the person who felt this was for her to read it out. I knew it was me.
Mark 11:24 "You can pray for anything and believe you have received it, and it will be yours"
That gave me incredible hope. I kept on trying, trying, and one day, I could do it.
I didn't suddenly start speaking gibberish, of course; the first day, something slipped past my lips as I was trying, and suddenly I felt a spark ignite in my chest, and I knew that was it. It was just a fraction of a second, and I couldn't do it again that night. The next night, and the night after that, and for all the nights after that day, I kept on trying, trying, and each time I was able to feel it for just a little fraction of a second. It didn't sound like Tongues at all, but I just kept trying night after night. One day, I went for CG. And I tried again, and then I knew that I had been given the gift of Tongues, and I was slowly learning how to use it.
People like Maddie and Jt took two months. I was in CHC for seven months before I got it. But I must say, knowing how badly I wanted it has made me treasure this gift so much.
Well, I don't know what you're scared about because your sister didn't explain, and I don't know what your problems regarding this are, but if you haven't received the gift yet, remain strong in faith. God has different plans for everyone and I hope that this super long post will help you. I don't know you that well, but I cried while praying for you during CG because if you're feeling what I think you're feeling, I know how painful and discouraging and dry it feels. By the way, you can look at my past CHC-related entries here. Some entries talk about my struggles with Tongues and with accepting this charismatic church. I just hope I'll be able to help you (:
Stay strong, and I'm here if you would like to talk to me! (: With love, Karen.
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By the way,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEST SISTAAAHH!
HEH HEH HEH you Mad rockahh, remember how you used to use MY CAMERA to take your zilian pictures? *evil grin*
I don't feel like doing a dedication post now. My hands are tired. You didn't reply my birthday SMS! Have fun at the club and the hotel (: HARRY POTTAH(!!!!)
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