Aug 31, 2009
Aug 30, 2009
Aug 28, 2009
Bikinis, masturbation, wet dreams, big boobs, oral sex -
Spent ten minutes looking for my phone. I wish all my valuables came with tracking devices.
Wore the new blue thing I bought from F21, the one my mum said she's got trouble imagining me in because I wear black all the time (she's in Malaysia now so she hasn't really seen me in it yet). I wanted to wear my white shorts but something happened so I wore my leggings instead. I felt like a friggin' ah lian wearing what I was wearing man. I was actually wearing a pair of kitten heels, and was running towards the bus stop from my void deck when I decided that flats would be a better idea, so I ran back to my house to change shoes. Then when I was running to the bus stop again with my flats, I realised that I find it easier to run in my kitten heels than in both my pairs of flats. My flats keep coming out.
'Kay, anyway, I was supposed to meet them at Raffles City's Ministry of Food, but my failing memory caused me to get off the train at Raffles Place instead. Spent a few minutes looking at the directory confusedly before realising I had gotten off at the wrong stop.
So okay, when I was at Raffles City it was around 6.40-6.45. I spent so long searching like mad for MOF. Walked past every single shop on the first floor of the shopping centre. Its unit number is #01-45, and Starbucks' unit number is #01-46 so I thought it'd be near Starbucks, so I went there, and then I went downstairs to the marketplace, before I admitted defeat and called Claudia. I reached MOF at around 7.
MOF is on the OUTSIDE of Raffles City. *smacks head*
Yes, and I immediately recognised one of them. Chase. She was one of those in the group of people who interviewed Lukhei and me at the bus stop. And she told me she recognised me too, even before today's meeting - she'd looked at my blog earlier on and recognised me from the pictures. Like wow okay :O Hello Chase, if you see this!
The other three of them had left already, Claudia told me they came in uniform and they were carrying books and they were in a rush to go home and study. And I was like,
in a rush to go home and study?!?!!
Like GREAT, these are the people I'm competing against for the O's. THEY RUSHED HOME TO STUDY?!?! Great. Looking at how much I'm studying, I might as well give up now. No way I'm going to get a good score when these people are mugging their heads off and I'm........blogging.
After that I went to and get Teressa's present HEH. And my phone ran out of battery, so I had to search high and low for a public phone to call my dad. He told me to go to Jurong Point to meet them for dinner, and I was like, wow, haven't I slacked enough today already? Then at Jurong Point I had to go search for another public phone. Gosh I felt like an idiot.
Ate at LJS. I feel the fats forming inside me already. Like as if my thighs aren't flabby/fat enough. I saw this really skinny girl today, and she was wearing one of those skirts that make most of our legs look really fat, but she looked great in it 'cos her legs were so maddeningly skinny. Gosh I hate my thighs.
Should I save it up for my new tablet? Since the one I got this year was stolen (my fault, stupid me), I doubt my parents would be willing to get another one for me so soon. Should I save it up? I want to try applying to be an English teacher in my primary school next year. Some of the English teachers there need English lessons man. I remember correcting my English teacher in P1 before (its versus it's). I'm appalled at how my primary school looks down on the P1 kids. It's like they grabbed any old teacher to teach English. Even my engrish also more powderful than hers sialz.
I'll also be giving 10% to Church as tithes. Oh yes. It'll be hard to part with $120, but really, I owe it all to God anyway! I just hope it goes to the Building Fund and not to the printing of leaflets. I really don't know why they do it. It's such a waste of paper + money ):
Aug 27, 2009
You know what I'd really like?
Aug 26, 2009
Aug 25, 2009
I'm not looking forward to going back to OB after O's - firstly, I wouldn't be able to fit in, I'd be an awkward extra; secondly, it'd bring back memories. And I'm dreading meeting you again. Then again, I'm not going to give my passion up.
What people think about me matter a lot to me, because I don't have a sense of identity.
What I think about myself depends on what people think about me."
I guess that's why I feel it's so important for me to always put up a good impression of myself, or my school, or even Singapore when I go overseas. To me, giving strangers a good impression of me is important, what even strangers think about me matter. If a stranger says I'm ugly, all my friends could tell me I'm pretty and I wouldn't believe them, because "they're just trying to be nice. It takes one honest person for you to be able to tell that your friends are just lying to be nice. Or they probably don't think so because they're so used to how you look already."
In the end, my life is based on those around me.
That's very true, and I hate that. I know it's true because of the relationship I was in. I hate knowing that my self-confidence comes from other people, and I only think something about me if someone else confirms it. (If it's something bad, it takes one person to confirm it. If it's something good, perhaps even a hundred people wouldn't be able to convince me.) I don't know anything about myself, it's all about everyone else.
Ironic, considering how much of a loner I am.
Conversation wasn't very good.
"What do you do to stay healthy?" or something like that, I totally screwed up, talked about making sure I washed my hands before I ate / used my hand sanitizer / washed my hands after touching something dirty to make sure I wouldn't get SICK. And then I talked about keeping my room clean because I was allergic to dust.
(It's all rubbish by the way.)
Yeah so I was WAYYY out of point.
Then the next question was something about the quality of Singapore's healthcare, I wanted to laugh. I used some of my SS knowledge. I said something stupid like "I've been to countries like Malaysia and Korea (Idk why on Earth I said Korea, its medical facilities aren't that bad right, and no I've never been there), and I feel that Singapore's healthcare standard is much better than most other countries', because the government makes us pay for our own healthcare..... (realises I'm talking about the wrong SS info and it's totally irrelevant) ..and the government practises privatisation, so the hospitals do not receive funding so they must improve and do better, and they must make healthcare affordable for us, so that they will encourage more people to go there (encourage people to GO TO A HOSPITAL?) ..And the government encourages Singaporens to stay healthy (realises I'm going out of point) ... so that we won't exhaust the coutry's medical resources because Singapore is a country with no resources (lol, I'm talking about two completely different kinds of resources)"
...Great. They must've thought I was a rambling airhead.
Then they asked something about how doctors might face problems or something with giving medicine? Or something. So I said that the doctors might be treating a poor patient who cannot afford the expensive medicines, but the doctor can't help him/her by paying for it himself because then other people would take advantage of that too, and the doctor would end up having to "suffer" (the examiner laughed when I said that) for the patients.
I was planning on getting almost full marks for my Eng oral, because it's highly probable that I'd screw up my comprehension as usual, and then I wouldn't be able to get my A1. I think it was super wasted can. This wasn't a hard exam. It was relatively easy, the questions they asked and the passage and the picture weren't difficult at all. And I just screwed it. Great. Great.
I need that almost-perfect score. I guess I'm dead.
It sucks to be behind Jessie for everything. Her Chinese is very fluent so for Chinese Oral I always scored so much lower than her. As for English oral, her points are very good and mine are all over the place. JESSIE SUAH! ):
I hate it when 1. people make assumptions about me, 2. they don't come up to me and tell me when they're unhappy about something I'm doing. Then you'll just go bitch bitch bitch and have a bad impression of me when it's really just a stupid misunderstanding.
I hate this. You, my dear friend, you tell me not to care about others' opinions, to make desicions on my own. So that's what I do. I make desicions on my own. Then all these happen. You tell me not to follow what others think. Yet I have to clarify things with everyone, do things that would please certain people, and then you say because I'm doing that, I'm making everyone unhappy.
Your instructions are crystal-clear, seriously.
Then again, what am I doing now? I'm still following someone else, making my desicions based on what someone else says. You.
"Okay, I've decided. I won't let other people's opinions affect me. I won't let what other people say affect how I want things to be. Eh, do you think this arrangement is okay?"
I just love my life. I keep saying I hate it when other people control what I do etc, yet I always end up being a slave to everyone else's opinions anyway. When I finally try to stand firm, oh no, suddenly everyone's unhappy and demanding I listen to them. Wonderful.
But I'm still thankful that you told me, and I still am grateful to have you as a friend, someone who isn't afraid to tell me what she really thinks, someone who doesn't care if she hurts me, as long as she gets her point across and I see the truth. That's the way to care for a friend.
I hate it when someone has negative opinions about me / don't like something about me / something I'm doing, and doesn't tell me. I'm not God you know, I wouldn't know what the problem is if you keep it to yourself. If there's something you don't like about me, you'd better tell it to my face so that I'd be able to realise the problem and perhaps do something about it, or clarify things, and not keep it to yourself, because when I realise you've been keeping it to yourself, I'll be really hurt and very angry.
Aug 23, 2009
I thought I'd like to know how you're doing, but even seeing your tag on someone else's blog makes me want to die.
I thought I was the stronger one, was I not? I thought you were the one who loved me more, I broke up with you partly because I wasn't sure of my feelings for you. I thought you were the one who was going to have to take a longer time to get over this, with all your suicide threats and crying for hours on end.
I never knew I was so vulnerable.
I need a way out of this. I keep running, hiding, carefully avoiding, but I know the problem's still there.
The memories are still there, vivid, staring me in the face. It's like a trap I keep stumbling into, a trap that fills me with such excruciating memories and the screaming of my heart struggling to get out.
I need a closure, but I can't face it yet. I know I'll just break down and feel as hopelessly broken as the day I told us to let go.
Why me? Why now?
Most of all, why you?
Prelims start on the 27th - it'd be our 22nd month. E Math O's, our second O's paper, is on 27th Oct - it'd be our second year.
I really hope this won't affect my studies.
Aug 22, 2009
Aug 21, 2009
Aug 19, 2009
ZOMGGGGG hahahahahaha. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! Like, ME, A1!?! I was actually expecting a B3, although I was praying really hard for an A2. Like, AHAHA. GOD IS REAL!
Okay so like, we were all nervous like crazy, and before the results were to be released to us we heard from don't-know-where that there were "a lot of B3s". Don't know where we heard that from BUT IT WASN'T TRUE, HAHAHA. Then Mrs Yip said all she knew was that 4S2A did very well, and then I just screamed super loudly. I didn't even think about doing it, I just screamed. I only realised what I'd done after I'd done it. Apparently some teacher from another class was very pissed. :/
Then in the hall, the principal seemed to be deliberately taking her own sweet time to do things, it was so bloody irritating, then she talked so effing slowly I wanted to scream. I kept repeating "TENSION BUILD-UP! TENSION BUILD-UP!" to Jessie while hugging her like mad to keep myself from dying of stress. She was doing it on purpose I swear. I felt like I was going to self-combust.
It seems like a dream, maybe because of the dimmer-than-usual lighting. We queued up single-file to see our results, and everyone was screaming and crying and hugging. When I saw my results, I just screamed. It was, like, 1(D), which meant I got an A1 and DISTINCTION FOR CHINESE ORAL LIKE WTH OMG I SCREWED IT SO BADLY CAN HAHAHA THE TEACHER MUST'VE BEEN DEAF. (Link to blog post: click)
It all seems so surreal now. After a while, all of us became really quiet and sat down again. Like, ._.
You know, even now I keep typing/saying "A2" by accident, like I really didn't expect an A1.
(Btw, link to post about O's Chinese written paper here)
Stupid leader shit. I don't want it, and I know I don't deserve it.
Aug 17, 2009
She stared at the coffin - cold, hard and unfeeling. Pain, suffering and fear, that's what it reeked of. The grand, brown panelling irritated her. The coffin housed death, and yet, as she watched him lie there, he looked so peaceful. His eyes were shut, his hands clasped together as though in prayer, his expression of one at peace. He looked... so serene. So fearless.
She knelt next to the coffin, glancing at the white roses placed in the coffin. Pure, beautiful and innocent, they had been placed in by well-wishes. Saying a silent prayer, she placed her rose stalk into his coffin, but not white. Red. A scarlet rose, its petals, fiery and passionate just like his spirit. And yet, it seemed so sad and lonely as she placed it among the sea of white. It seemed sad, and lonely, the only one that stood out. Just like his soul. Her heart continued to weep, and she felt a tear slide down her pale countenance. It felt cold, just like her soul. Abandoned by him, left alone.
She stared at the hourglass, trickling crimson sands of time. Sand morphed to blood, sliding down effortlessly. Drop. Drop. Drop. Surely that must have been how it was when he died? His room's floor stained with blood, ebbing away from him as his heart beat slowed. She had not been surprised to hear of his suicide, but it grieved her all the same. Her heart still ached, her emotions still quavered upon thinking... about his rare smile. Melancholic. His occasional laughter, the way he held her hand when they used to go down to the creek together. His eyes used to be a beautiful clear blue, but they were now grey. His hands, his touch, used to be so warm. His touch now, was ice cold. Her heart ached when he talked about life, his gaze always seemed so wounded and sad. She would have given anything to hear his soft voice again, comforting her, never leaving her alone.
She seemed to forget how to breathe now that he could never come back, her body becoming a husk, a shell of her former self. Her once radiant beauty morphed into melancholic beauty, muted and sad. She looked at the pristine white walls of the chapel, remembering the memories of the two of them spent there. Her eyes trailed to a letter opener, and she slid her finger over the blade. Beads of blood formed from the cut, and slid down her pale finger. She smiled mirthlessly and returned to his body's side. The cold blade slid over her arm slowly, her meaning in life lost now that he had gone.
"If I were to die tomorrow... would you join me?" he asked her before, in the same chapel. She kissed him in response, avoiding having to answer his question. As the blood flowed from her wrist, onto the white of the roses, they drowned in the sea of blood, in every drop of her love in her being. Letting the drenched letter opener fall to the floor, she felt life ebb away, just like him. Whispering three words, she closed her eyes, weeping her final tears alone.
"Wait for me."
Aug 15, 2009
My dad, who has watched the whole thing, says Ashin didn't go off-pitch/key throughout the whole concert. Except for a few very minor unnoticeable ones, of course; it's live, it can't be totally perfect. It's kind of hard to believe. Maybe it was digitally edited for the DVD hahaha.
I love 你不是真正的快乐's lyrics, but I think they'd sound quite stupid if I were to translate it into English. Most of their songs' lyrics are really nice, and I really like their concept of peace. I love 万安，地球人, the lyrics are beautiful, about war and peace. I shall put the lyrics up someday if I remember.
Now they're all old fogies hahaha, I remember Masa's hair used to be quite nice; now he just looks old. Masa and Stone look quite bad now.
Will be going for the Da Vinci exhibition later :D Can't wait.
I don't know how I'm going to finish all my homework AND study for Monday's Rivers & Coasts test. ): My life is miserable.
This week has been a pretty sleepless one. On Monday and Tuesday I slept for about 4 hours or less each, and I slept for about 3 hours each on Wednesday, Thurs and Friday. Madness.
Aug 14, 2009
Aug 13, 2009
Joke of the century:
On a Facebook quiz I once said (rather sarcastically btw) that I had a tattoo of a red heart with a dagger pierced through it, on my left boob over where the heart's supposed to be.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YD ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT HAHAHAHAHAHA
"If I'm not wrong, you have a tattoo on your left boob ar?"
SHIZ that made me laugh like mad. Totally woke me up HAHAHA
It sucks to have subconscious expectations of somebody, of a friend, because those expectations usually go unmet.
Why won't you admit it? Am I that bad? Is being my friend that humiliating?
Shyan wants to take unglam photos of me as a form of revenge, because I keep taking unglam photos of her (and the rest of the class. Not intentionally! Shyan, maybe you're just unglam all the time hahaha)
So I let her take a really stupid picture of me. She's posting it on Facebook.
"Think of an alliteration! Something Karen"
"IN YOUR DREAMS!"
Mrs Rupa: Uh...Kinky!
Aug 11, 2009
HAHAHA you make me laugh. I remember how you used to be so immature and mean to your friends, just like that someone I knew in kindergarten (and was stupid enough to befriend. Maybe I'll talk about her some other time, too)
I find it stupid now, really, how people are still getting into relationships now. You're just asking to be hurt, seriously. And that guy is really ah beng. GAAHAHAHA
And I don't deny the fact that you really are pretty, but you've become so ah lian I .. buay tahan, seriously. The worst thing is that you actually could look like a rather smart, pretty girl. Why why why did you become ah lian? ): Thank goodness we were never good friends. Thank goodness I was always on the other side. I wouldn't say you're revolting, but you're ah lian enough. I don't despise you; I actually pity you a little, 'cos you don't see it. Good luck with being your ah lian self and I hope you don't get too hurt when you finally face up to reality one day, girl.
I don't dislike you, really. I'm just a little.. wth-ed.
Can someone help me?!?! I like this blogskin, I don't want to change it ))): I just changed it! >:(
If this problem persists and nobody teaches me how to correct it by...7pm or so, I'll change blogskin. *sniff sniff*
HEH HEH HEH. At my mum's office now. Walked to Redhill from school only to realise that my EZ-link card didn't have enough money in it to take the MRT home, and I only had $1.20 so I didn't have enough money to top up, so I WALKED all the way to Bukit Merah Interchange and then FOUND MY WAY WITHOUT DIRECTIONS to my mum's office (Connection One, Tower 5)!!! I'M THE PRO RIGHT. I've never gone from Bukit Merah to my mum's office before, and I MANAGED TO FIND MY WAY THERE HAHAHA. My mother was incredibly shocked. I bet she didn't even expect me to be able to reach Bukit Merah Interchange with her instructions ("From the taxi stand at Redhill, cross the road to the market, and then just walk straight, straight, straight, until you see a MacDonald's"). She's used to me being hopelessly lost all the time.
WAHAHAHA. I'm the pro.
FREE INTERNET ACCESS, and FREE OUTGOING CALLS with her office phone! Guess who won't be doing her homework today :D
O's results weren't released today lah, stupid rumours >:(
Aug 10, 2009
It's been a month; it's time I got you out of my mind.
Yet these few days, the memories are coming back to me, flooding my mind, and hitting me harder than before. Memories of how you used to hug me, your love and warmth drowning me; memories of the way you looked into my eyes and smiled when we were in your room, knowing that for that moment, nothing else in the world mattered, and our minds were totally focused on each other and nothing else; memories of how strongly and desperately I kissed you, until you became breathless and were going to faint, and I cried because I didn't mean to do that to you; that rush of love was too strong to control.
It's time I moved on, ass. Yet now everything reminds me of you and us. Everything. Even Hillsong, wth.
No longer can I listen to JJ's songs, to any Chinese songs, or even to slow English songs, especially the ones I used to listen to when we were together, and especially The Reason and Always Be My Baby. Now I can only listen to Avril's Let Go on repeat, despite having more than a thousand songs in my iPod. I don't know how long this will continue. How pathetic can I get?
I need to get you out of my friggin' mind. It's been a month, and I can't let you affect me longer than this. Prelims are in two weeks, and O's are just around the corner. I need a closure to this but I know I'm not even ready for that yet.
Someone please save me from myself; my mind's killing me.
"How do you feel when you see her now?"
"Nothing. It's like, the feelings have all gone. I don't feel anything now."
"Wow. I hope I'd be able to get to that stage someday."
Chinese O's results on Tuesday. Pray I'll get an A2, please please I can't get any lesser than an A2, although it's very very likely I'll get a B.
Aug 9, 2009
Aug 8, 2009
Aug 7, 2009
I love my school, I really do.
Aug 6, 2009
Aug 5, 2009
"Couple makes out for half hour in public's full view"
"Couple locks lips in hot kiss in public during peak hour"
"Hanky panky couples in school uniform smoke and pet on Henderson Waves bridge"
"China couple kiss non-stop and get touchy-feely on bus"
Complete with pictures (not obscene ones lah but still, you know).
Aug 4, 2009
"Aiyo. I shy leh :P Cute right? Oi, don't keep staring at my pic! Later you like me ah!"
This is just plain stupid. You don't know it, but I do. You think you're over it.
I thought you'd be smart enough to figure that out too.
It's just a vicious cycle, a downward spiral, don't you see? Maybe only I see it thanks to God's wisdom. Thank God, really, for saving me from causing as much destruction to my life as you are.
Joker, get real.
I just hope you won't be as stupid anymore.
Me too. I need someone to fill my heart up again, but I know I can't do it, I mustn't, to save my life.
Seriously, I need to kiss somebody. :/
Aug 3, 2009
1) Festival of Praise with Maddie and Jan was quite fun, although I bet it would've been tons funner if Hillsong were there. I was almost able to go for the Hillsong concert but Annie who had the tickets couldn't contact me T.T T.T