Aug 4, 2009

You think you've gotten over this, but it's just too soon.

It's only been 25 days, idiot.

This is just plain stupid. You don't know it, but I do. You think you're over it.
I did too, for a while, when I was too caught up in other thoughts, but later it was clear that I was just fooling myself by thinking I was over it. For a period of time, whenever I thought of a particular someone, I'd feel like as if I had completely gotten over you, and I wouldn't really feel anything when I thought of you. Then I realised the only reason I felt that way was because subconsciously, my mind was replacing thoughts of you with thoughts of him; it was like a painkiller, a sadness-forgetter, a mood lifter. Everything I felt was still, ultimately, based on you and not him. The only reason I felt that way was because subconsciously, I was looking desperately for something else to fill up that hole you caused in my heart. For that moment, I forgot about you and replaced all my sad thoughts about a lost love with happy thoughts of a new-found one. How stupid I was to have thought it was real. My mind was in "self-defence" mode, preventing me from feeling sad.

I thought you'd be smart enough to figure that out too.

It's just a vicious cycle, a downward spiral, don't you see? Maybe only I see it thanks to God's wisdom. Thank God, really, for saving me from causing as much destruction to my life as you are.

Joker, get real.

I just hope you won't be as stupid anymore.

Me too. I need someone to fill my heart up again, but I know I can't do it, I mustn't, to save my life.

Seriously, I need to kiss somebody. :/

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