Third post in a few HOURS.

I'M HUNGRY AND I HAVEN'T BATHED AND I'VE GOT A MATH AND CHEM PRELIM PAPERS TO FINISH AND THE CAMPAIGN ISN'T LAUNCHED YET AND IF MY DAD COMES BACK NOW I'M DEAD.

But blogging takes priority ;)

I realised something.

Most of the time, we hormonal rebellious teenagers hate it when people tell us what to do. I hated it when people kept telling me to change this and that when I was the leader, then finally someone told me to stop thinking about everyone else's opinions and decide for myself, before giving me more opinions about how my friends felt and telling me I had to change. Wasn't I still listening to people's opinions in the end?

We teenagers hate it when people try to restrict us, control us, tell us what to do. But in the end, when we're trying so hard to be different and do things "our way", to show the world "we can handle things ourselves", "we can survive well on our own, we don't need others to tell us how to do stuff", aren't we doing it all because of others' opinions in the first place?

DO YOU SENSE THE IRONY?!!

In fact, now that I've typed it out, the irony of it is even more obvious.

"I love that keychain!" "Eww I keep seeing people with it, I don't want it anymore."

"I love handmade stuff because they're unique. Nobody else in the world has them. That's how special they are."

"I live on my own because I hate being told what to do. My parents think I'm too young for this and that. Guess what. I'm not as stupid as they think I am."

Guess what, now that they're typed down, it's so obvious that the reason people say things like that is because of others.

So if we people say we hate being controlled by others, why is it that our thoughts and actions are mainly fuelled by those around us?

We ought to be strong enough on our stand to like/want something because we like it, and not let our decisions be wavered by whether other people like it or not.

(Like, if Yiyang likes Miley Cyrus, let him proclaim it boldly for the world to hear!)

Unfortunately, we hormonal teenagers are also actually very self-conscious at heart, and almost everything is based on others' opinions. Even if someone says "I don't want that anymore, because I've seen three other people with it", it's based on others. It's saying "I want to be special", see. But if you're special, you can be like any other ordinary chap and still be unique in your personality. Wanting to stand out from the crowd is also undoubtedly Other-People based.

"I'll do things my way, because I don't want to listen to what anyone else says. It's my life and I control it. Other people don't have a say."

Guess what, usually we get so caught up in making our own decisions that we ignore those that are the best for us, and those that would make us a better person, because we already think "They don't understand" or "That's not what I want". So in the end, we're letting what other people think control us in the opposite way.

Guess what. We're all hypocrites that way.

Hey J&J read this

Love seems beautiful. Love feels beautiful. And yes, it does seem pretty fun, doesn't it?

But the hurt and the pain isn't, the confusion isn't, the late nights spent wondering if something's gone wrong aren't. And the breakups definitely aren't. And the overwhelming sense of loneliness and the memories that haunt you aren't.

Basically, it seems great but the consequences suck. It's just like...drinking. Or sex.

You know, teenage love sucks. It's stupid and irrational and ridiculous when you think about it. Yeah it really is. Sometimes two people meet and even get into a relationship even when they've only known each other for, what, a few months? Love is stupid. I'm not saying the people are stupid; I know how that feels. But it's the stupid hormones affecting our sense of reason.

Then, being the young foolish idiots we young people have always been, we fall into the trap, feel everything's going so sweet, and then later there's a little bit of confusion, "Why am I doing this? Is this right? Should we be going this far?" and not long later, all the hurt comes washing everything else away like a tsunami, and then all that's left is a shattered soul, like the destruction you see in the photos, the destroyed houses and dead bodies and the huge wreck.

I would love to proudly proclaim that I've learnt my lesson. Unfortunately, I know that sometimes, you just can't help feelings. I take relationships very seriously, so usually my sense of reasoning's strong enough to prevent me from doing anything stupid, but.... the feeling just sucks.

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't like the feeling of liking someone. It's sweet and everything, I know, but it also brings so much confusion and anger, anger at myself and my own feelings for making me so messed up.

I wish we could all rely on God for love all the time. Unfortunately, life isn't always that perfect, and God doesn't make things that easy for us, eh?

I miss the feeling of being loved, yes. I miss knowing that I meant the world to someone. I miss knowing that even when I felt ugly and hated, there's someone who still loved me unconditionally for who I am.

But I know that rushing into anything will just mess everything up even more, and make life worse for me. You know? I'd love to go with my feelings and do whatever my heart tells me to, but if I did so, my life would be headed for doom. Thank God that He's there to remind me so.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, girl, because you're beautiful and you don't need a mess like this. I love you, be strong 'kay? And I know it seems great and no harm done and stuff, but... I just really hope you won't have to go through all the pain to know what I mean.

Just a little something I think some of us feel sometimes:

"Everytime I say I won't trust anybody anymore, next thing I know I'm falling for that trap of trust again, because I think everybody deserves a chance, but nobody has ever spared me that chance I need just to know my worth. I'm exactly what they think I am. I hate the fact that I don't even know myself; I don't have a clear stand and just let people push me around, and I'm sick of that big time, yet I don't allow myself to do anything to ease that pain. I hate being a submissive slave to everyone all the time. I'm just compressing myself against the cement floor - it hurts, but I'm still doing it."

Get real.

When I said this to Maddie, and when I said it to Janice, I knew I was talking about myself too.

We all have a certain measure of love in our hearts, let's think of it as a thick tough rubbery bubble-shaped container of love. Once it's been filled and expanded, it can't shrink. After that measure has been filled and expanded and then emptied all of a sudden, it's suddenly devoid of love. Love is gone and that tough bubble is burst, leaving a huge hole where it once was. With a hole in your heart, your heart can't cope. Your heart would subconsciously try to find all ways to fill it, resorting to desperate measures. Maybe if it can't find someone to love, it would resort to coming up with an imaginary character to love. Maybe that's how some people turn mental.

* shared her story with me once. It was just as I had guessed - even though her life seemed great on the outside, it was a mess on the inside. She didn't have the love of a father, and so she subconsciously started seeking for love, desperately, even without her noticing it.

Ever known/heard of someone who had a really long-term relationship that was real love, but after they broke up, the guy turned into a playboy?

There's a hole in my heart now, and my heart's trying to look for all ways to fill it. My heart is devastated, destroyed, in denial, deluded, desperate - and if this carries on, it'll be the death of me.

I'd never like you if I were in my right mind. Not that you aren't likeable in that sense, but you're definitely just not the kind of person I'd, you know, fall in love with. I know my heart's in a real mess and needs to feel the ecstasy and security and comfort of love again; once you've experienced it, it's hard to do without it. I'm struggling, I just hope I'll be able to get out of this before it takes my life.

"Right after my O levels, her aunt came up to me to tell me to break up with her"

A sweet story of love forcefully torn apart by her parents.

"I'm staying single for JC life"

I'd never have expected that to come from you, especially because I heard from my senior and S that you hung out with girls a lot, too much. Hearing that from you was reassuring, but it also broke my heart because I knew you're doing this because you still love her, and can't forget her. Well, I'm in no position to say this, but stay strong (: