Jun 28, 2009



Our performance is right after the one with a lot of stupid little kids. Glenda is going to descend from a platform in this cool gold dress. MEGA COOL K GO WATCH GO WATCH

Michael jackson is WHAT?

Don't like him but I think his voice was great great great when he was a kid.

Okay I love Heal The World. Mainly because JJ sang it but anyway I loved the song even before JJ sang it! (But I obviously love JJ's version more MUAHAHAHA) This video's pictures are painfully amazing by the way.
There's a nicer version of this song but I'm putting this one up because I think the pictures in the video are great. But anyway here's the nicer version (there's a difference!). It's live so he's a little off in a few places but whatever.

Anw, I think it's a pity he died so early because he was getting ready to do a world tour of 50 concerts. :/ But anw, what do I know about him? I know dear Nazemudin must be crying his eyes out though. In P5 for our National Day competition he composed a song for Singapore to the tune of MJ's Black and White. (and we got first place!)

I wonder how JJ must be feeling now. :/ MJ was the reason he loved music; MJ must be to him like who he(JJ) is to me. Omgosh, if JJ dies I don't know what I'll do with my own life.

Jun 26, 2009

Time to wipe the tears away and try to hold my head high again.

I want to cry but I can't let my feelings out for too long, because I don't want my parents or brother to find out, and I need to try my best not to feel sad, because I can't study when I'm in a bad mood. But feelings can't be helped, no?

You know, I hate it when people tell me they think I'm a very happy-go-lucky, crazy hyper person, because I'm not. I know I make it seem like I'm always in a good / above-average mood, but sometimes, the wide grin and the crazy laughter is just a mask I wear on, or something I do to try and convince myself that I'm okay, to make myself forget about what I'm thinking about. Most of the time, I succeed. But when the curtain closes and the show I put on everyday ends, beneath that mask of happiness are the eyes of an insecure, low-confidenced, desperate, lonely, sensitive, emotional and extremely confused soul.

When someone asked if I'm okay because I look emo, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone asked if I was daydreaming, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone asked if the reason I was tearing was because I'd just put my contacts on, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When people asked "Karen, why do you look so emo? Are you okay?" I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone told me something I didn't want to hear, something I knew would make me think a lot and get a little confused and emo later on, I shrugged that thought off and humbled myself and immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed.

I've been doing that for years. I guess it's also because I'm in a girls' school. Yes, most of the friendships are superficial. That over-the-top caring tone when someone you have a superficial friendship with, one that's just for show (and both of you know that) says "You can always come to me, okay?", that very concerned way of saying "Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" that comes so naturally people use that tone even if they don't really care, the fake smiles, the electric thoughts behind those awkward pauses. It's hard to stay true after four years of going through this.

I guess sometimes I don't want people to know I'm sad because I don't want them to feel bad for me, or show concern. They might feel obliged to even though they want to do something else, even though they don't really want to be there. I don't want someone else to be burdened by my boring problems anyway (and Mad, I'm really sorry.)
But I like listening to others' problems, to know that even those who seem perfect have their fair share of problems too, to know I'm not alone. Maybe that's why I'm a great listening ear even though I provide little comfort/advice. I haven't found a way to acheive happiness either.

I think too much, and I hate it.

Joan said something I find very true, something I've known for a very long time.
Sometimes, the superficiality is revolting.


I do love you. And that's the problem. Love should be selfless, no? But nothing's that simple. For example, which girl would truly feel happy with her (ex) boyfriend if he says he wants to break up with her because he thinks he's found someone better?

We all try, we try, but here's the reality: Love is selfish.

But I can't let that get the better of me. I know I should be selfless about this, because I don't want you to get hurt; I've caused too much hurt to you already, and you deserve freedom, you deserve happiness, and you don't deserve to be hurt. And better now than later. But I just can't do it, I just can't. Love is selfish. But if I keep delaying this, you'll just get so much more hurt in the end, and I wouldn't know how to face myself again.

Jun 20, 2009

By2's dancing is the bomb.

Watch from the first chorus onwards! The 2nd verse (the verse after the chorus i.e. after they take their jackets off) is mega :O They dance like Audition characters in a very fast song!

I want an English tutor

If I don't get an A1 for English,
If I don't get 9 points (which is very highly probable),
If I don't make it into Mass Comm at Ngee Ann Poly or SAJC (I'd rather go to NP),
I will die.

I need to brush up on my English. I NEED HELP! My vocab and description skills suck. Did anyone see Amanda Yew's descriptive essay on A Typical Day?

The monotonous drag of the drone of his voice drowned the room, suffocating. The whiteboard, dirty and dusty from remnants from markers, was littered with numbers and letters that blurred together. A steady rhythm ebbed through the atmosphere in the classroom as the rain pelted softly upon the windows.

I looked up to watch the blades of fan swivel round and around its scratched silver axis as my thoughts circled in my head. My eyelids weighed down over my eyes as the teacher paced back and forth.

The clock ticked, second by second. Then the school bell rang, reverberating in my ears…

Like wah lao, mine was something about Charlie Choy and A math. My vocab skills are about as good as that of a primary school kid. In fact, I bet my Sec 1 essays were much better than my essays now. I guess my writing skills have gone down tremendously because I don't read anymore. I haven't finished a single book since the beginning of the year, and I only attempted to read two books - one spiritual one, and one boring one. Like, -.- -.- -.-

I used to think my English was good because I used to top the class for English all the time in Primary school, but that was only because everyone else was Chinese speaking (and thus I was always the one who did the worst for Chinese and HMT). Now I know my English is only slightly above average; it isn't good ENOUGH. It isn't as good as I would like it to be (but then again, nothing is) and I really need to improve and read more but I don't have time to!

I NEED HELP! I need help. I need to expand my vocab and improve on my description skills. And I failed my English MYE compre. How is that going to guarantee me an A1?


I'm aiming for a very high A1 for Oral. For the Prelims I got 34/40. My reading aloud was 11/12, Conversation was 14/16, but my picture description totally pulled me down, 9/12.

I need help. I really really cannot get anything less than an A1 for English.

Jun 19, 2009

Guess whose song I'm listening to now ._.

Hey, even By2 made it. (They happen to be from my CG by the way :O)

I've got this weird rush of emotions now, that's trying to make me do something I'd usually never think of doing.

I just might
believe in the impossible.


Life without my tablet is miserable.

I really like this song:

I'm thinking of using this as my new blog song. But I like my present one! ): I don't like Lara's high voice in Xia Yu Tian (my present song) but I love the song itself. If only someone with a less squeaky voice did a nice rendition of it :/

Jun 18, 2009

(Can't think of a title)

By the way, there are a lot of pictures I want to post up & I do want to blog about the OB Expo thing, but I'll only do it when I'm not too lazy to switch my slow old tablet on (:

Yknow, yesterday I dreamt of a very very old friend. Can't remember his name. In p5 and p6 (and maybe p4), I was part of a Buddy Reading / LSP programme, where I 'buddied' a Primary 1/2 who was really bad in English, and I'd teach my buddy to read. In P5 I partnered someone called Azra, in P4 or P6 (I wish I could remember) I tutored an extremely extremely cute China boy. I can't remember his name (I wish I could remember), all I remember is that his full name only consisted of two words (like Cui Xiao). And I think there was a Z somewhere.

Anyway, he was mega quiet, and at first I had to lean over and strain a lot to hear him speak. He was super shy and was very bad in his reading, and sometimes I suspected he (and Azra) felt quite unlucky to be buddied with me because I was rather shy and anti-social too, so everyone else around the room would be having a lot of fun while my buddy and I would just sit quietly, doing what we were supposed to do almost solemnly.

But as the year progressed, he became a little more outspoken, and the kind of books he selected for our reading practices became slightly harder and harder, and he could read "helicopter" and "elephant!" :D :D :D THE EXTENT OF MY ELATION WAS INDESCRIBABLE OKAY! He was extremely cute, especially when he gave his very occasional, very shy, lopsided grin. MUAHAHA. I really wish I could remember his name so that I'd be able to look for him in primary school or search his name on the Internet or something, GAH HE'S SO CUTE! I want to know how he's doing & how good his English has become! :D


Day 3

Gave up on fasting at around 3-4 because my nose was running & I was sneezing really badly :/ The last time I tried to fast when I was sick, it was spiritually very unfulfilling, and Jt told me I shouldn't fast when I'm sick 'cos it's like offering a disabled lamb as a sacrifice or something. I don't know what to believe, but anyway, I was sick. :/ (And I still am) I probably wasted, like, TWO trees' worth of tissue paper today. :/

Finished up John, very interesting!

John 17:17 "Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth."

John 17:19 "I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so that they can be made holy by your truth."

(Holy sacrifice? Ouch D:)

K today was mega unproductive because I slept a lot and didn't do much work. I might as well not waste my time taking the MYEs 'cos I'll fail everything anyway.

Jun 17, 2009

My third LONG post in a day ._.

..And I'm supposed to be studying.

Day 2:

John 14:21
"Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them."

John 14: 27
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 15:5 "...For apart from me you can do nothing."

John 15:18 "If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."

A psalm I really really love:

Psalms 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
Even when i walk
through the dark valley of death,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and i will live in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalms 82
God presides over Heaven's court;
he pronounced judgement on the heavenly beings:
"How long will you hand down unjust desicions
by favouring the wicked?

"Rescue the poor and helpless; deliver them from the grasp of evil people.
But these oppressors know nothing;
they are so ignorant!
They wander about in darkness, while the whole world is shaken to the core.
I say 'You are gods; you all are children of the Most High.
But you will die like mere mortals
and fall like every other ruler.' "

Rise up, O God, and judge the earth,
for all the nations belong to you.

Psalms 22
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, but you do not answer.
Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
Our ancestors trusted in you, and you rescued them.
They cried out to you and were saved.
They trusted in you and were never disgraced.
Praise the Lord, all you who fear him!
Honour him, all you descendents of Jacob!
For He has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.
He has not turned his back on them, but has listened to their cries for help.

Psalms 51
Have mercy on me, O God,
Because of your unfailling love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognise my rebeliion;
it haunts me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned.
I have done what is evil in your sight.
For I was born a sinner - yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom from even there.

Purify me from my sins, and i will be clean;
wash me, and i will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me - now let me rejoice.
Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
Renew a loyal spirit within me.



Day #1:
1 Cor 6:18-20 "Sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don't you realise that your body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you at a high price. So you must honour God with your body."

1 John 2:4-6 "If someone claims, 'I know God', but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God's word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives like Jesus did."

I'm trying, or I'm trying to try, but I can't do it without You.

I FINISHED MY A MATH HOMEWORK!!!!!!!! But I've got 3 foolscap paper lines' worth of questions I don't know how to do. :/ Right. On to E Math, and then Lit, English, Bio, and rewriting all my Geog notes. :/ But I've only got till Sunday! D: Next Mon - Sat is taken up by AYG practices & rehearsals. I should get off the comp.

*heart shatters*


The first line of Shi Lian De Zi Wei sounds EXACTLY like the first line to this song (at around 1:27):

AHHHHHHH! Frustrated. Tunes "I" "come up with" always sound like some other song's tune. This ain't the first time.

Anw, was crying over Baby a few days back when I decided to try and use the emotions to WRITE A SONG! O: I mean, even an idiot would know I can't write lyrics for nuts. Here's the only poem I've ever written:

(when i was about 10)
Hush little baby, don't say a word,
Momma's gonna buy you an old dead bird.
And if the old dead bird becomes rotten,
Momma's gonna buy you a ball of cotton.
And if the cotton turns to fluff,
Momma's gonna buy you a curry puff.
And if the puff has no curry,
Momma's gonna buy you a McFlurry.
And if the McFlurry tastes even worse,
Momma's gonna buy you a pink coin purse.
And if the purse has one big hole,
Momma's gonna buy you a nice glass bowl.
And if the bowl has one big crack,
Momma's gonna buy you a duck called Quack.
And if the duck is too moisy,
Sorry Momma has no more money.


Oh no wait there was another one! I rewrote the lyrics to Campus Superstar's "By Now" once in Sec 1 or 2. It's aboout someone taking Extrim-X and becoming very slim and chio! VEH COOL OKAY! CLICK CLICK TO SEE GAHAHAHA. GO SEE GO SEE! Zoom in a little on the picture to see it better. I TELL YOU I ROCK KAY! IT'S HALF IN CHINESE SOMEMORE!

Okay but aaaaaanyway, so I wrote a song! O: Lyrics quite bullshit PLUS I was thinking of the song Bleeding Love when I wrote it, so the tune sounds a little like it. To make things worse, the version of Bleeding Love it sounds like.. is the JESSE MCCARTNEY version. HAHA. But I think the tune sucks too.

Eh but whatever, first attempt at writing both at the same time kay! O:

Jun 16, 2009

Talk about the Christian life being hard.

Eff the devil. I typed a mega mega long post about God and it's GONE. I'll type it again, try to retype everything I remember typing.

This is for you, and partly for me, too. Don't just scan through this (because I'm REWRITING this)); ingest every word, let every word seep into your heart, fully understand everything behind this.

Psalms 73 (New Living Translation)

Truly God is good to Israel, to those whose hearts are pure.
But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.

For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
They don't have troubles like other people;
theyr'e not plagued with problems like everyone else.

"What does God know?" they ask.
Does the Most High even know what's happening?"
Look at these wicked people -
enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.

Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.


Then I went into your sancturary, O God,
and i finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
Truly, you put them on a slippery path and set them to destruction.
In an instant they are destroyed, swept away by terrors.

When you arise, O Lord, you will laugh at their silly ideas.

Then I realise my heart was bitter; I was all torn up inside.
I was foolish and arrogant - I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
My health may failm and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
He is mine forever.

Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.


The Christian life is never easy - in fact, to most, it's an even harder struggle. Some say when they pray in Tongues for a period of time (say, 10 minutes), they feel peace in their heart after that. Usually all I feel after that is an even heavier heart. It makes me suspect I'm praying to the devil sometimes instead.

But I pray that one day, you will realise the importance of listening to His word, the importance of accepting Jesus and following what the Bible instructs you to do.

It's never easy, but it's crucial. I pray you will someday realise the importance of an eternal life, and of obeying God's word. Don't dismiss it; don't say you don't care for an eternal life, or whether or not you'll go to hell. I pray that one day, you will realise that it's important.

I pray thhat one day, you'll realise the importance of not sinning, of trying your very best to please Him. I pray you'll truly accept God one day, and give your heart to Him, and try to lead as sinless a life as possible. Not for me, or for anyone else, but truly for Him alone. I pray that one day, you'll be able to have a true relationship with God, and not just for me.

God does a lot for you (and for me). We've witnessed his little miracles, you've witnessed His works and presence more than me. Keep an open mind about those; don't just dismiss them as games of the mind, or pure coincidences. Of course, they could be pure coincidences: the rain lessening considerably after your prayer, my period and the rain stopping at just the right time, you feeling a sense of peace and joy right after you were slain. They could be games of the mind, or coincidences, yes, but they also could be God; don't dismiss that.

God isn't very obvious in my life, sometimes I think I'd subconsciously prefer not to know He's really there, when I'm afraid of certain works. I doubt him a lot, my faith is almost non-existent, yes. But I'll remain a follower, and I pray you'll become one too, even stronger than me, even more faithful, obedient, and righteous than me.

In short, I pray that one day, you'll believe in Jesus as the Saviour and God as the Creator, and obey the word of the Bible, not just for me but truly for Him alone.

Talk about the hard life of being a Christian

Eff the devil. I typed a mega mega long post about God and it's GONE. I'll type it again, try to retype everything I remember typing.

Typing in process. My dad's going to kill me.

Jun 11, 2009

Now I'm really sad

Together with my Tablet, I lost all my class photo taking photos (with the balloons and stuff) and CHINESE INTENSIVE PHOTOS (remember our very cute class picture with Mdm Lim?)


I should've uploaded those photos on Facebook, I LOVED THOSE. I took pictures of the stupid motivational messages I wrote on my little blackboard every day starting from the week before the Chinese O's. And there's that video of Wanmin advertising for Kelly's Sara lee cake. And the balloon pictures are bloody beautiful. And the pictures of Jenna and Glenda and Teryne playing with powder and throwing it all over the place in the comm arts room. And all the unglam pictures I didn't upload on Facebook/my blog.


ARGH STUPID ME I should've backed my files up. In fact, last week I took the backup disk out and even connected it to my computer but didn't back it up. ARGH!

I WANT MY TABLET BACK!! I want all my photos back T.T

Then again, even if my tablet's found, the bloody theif would probably have reformatted it already.


What's even STUPIDER is that I have this tracking device program but I FORGOT to install it into my tablet. LIKE ARGH WTH!!!!

Fated lah fated, seriously. I WANT MY PICTURES BACKKKKK

Jun 10, 2009

Control your poison, babe

First practice for Saturday's Expo performance (Fei Chang Ge Shou graduation thingy).
Carmen came to help us by replacing Janice for the time being (she'll be in Indonesia for the time being).

I LOVE what we're going to do and I take most of what I say back because the songs we're going to do WILL ROCK! (Hopefully. If nothing goes wrong. Janice is only coming back on the day itself so we only have a couple of hours to really practice with her, if nobody arrives late.)

Instead of doing a thousand-song medley like we always do, this time we're only doing two: Four Minutes and Just Dance. I really hope we won't screw up for Four Minutes because the verses (Jan's and Mad's part) aren't very easy. I'm doing the pathetic boom-ba-dooms in the background, but I really want to do harmony for some parts! ): Maddie, do boombadooms with me too? Pweeeease?

I like Just Dance. Not the song itself but when we sing it. 'Cos it's kinda cool. HEH. I'm singing the "I had a little bit too much" verse and the "Wish I could stop my playboy tongue" verse. Jan & Mad, I sort of think the verses are kinda plain though. Do oohing? :D *pleading eyes* I'll try to do a little bit of harmony for the bridge the both of you are doing, if not I'd just be standing there like an idiot. I can't do oohing on my own, I'd sound like a bored extra!

When Chloe and Wewe saw Carmen, they were quite shocked when they realised she was Nicole Lai's daughter HAHA. Or rather, Wewe pretended to be shocked. Carmen has a superb voice, probably because of her mum too. The first time she sang today, I couldn't do the backup properly because I was too focused on her great voice & couldn't concentrate LOL!

Yay then Maddie and I and my mum went to Vivo to look for my performance clothes. Colour code's pink white and black. I got a satin black short (not cropped, not the ah ma kind, just short) jacket that looks quite performance-ish (The tag says "casual". Casual my ass! It's anything but casual.) and a hot pink tank top, will be going shopping again on Friday to look for black skinnies (my black skinnies are no longer black thanks to frequent washing. Actually, can I wear my leggings? The tank's rather long, if I wear my leggings I think it will cover my ass) and probably white shoes and a thin white belt ('Cos I need white) and probably accessories, and earrings (!!!) :D

Thanks Maddie for accompanying me and Carmen for being a great help and Jt for coming despite your high fever and body aches! Hope Friday's practice will be productive and very successful (: (although Jt won't be coming D:)

I'd like to upload pictures, but my tablet's stolen and I'm not using my own computer.

When I go for Chem revision lessons, I usually only learn a very little bit. For example, today I learnt that non-metals form acidic oxides. And I'm only learning it because it's in my textbook and was taught before but I forgot/didn't look through my textbook. No, it's not because I'm a Chem pro. It's because I can't follow what's going on, the teacher goes very fast and I don't even understand her explanations 'cos my brain sucks.

I'm damn dead for my L1R5 if I don't get an A for Chinese. I only take 8 subjects and I definitely can't rely on my A math for an A, and looking at the state of my Chem, I probably won't be able to get a good score for it either. My Lit is not good, not A standard. NOW HOW?! MYEs are very near and I have extremely few free days and... I'm online and I've a ton of holiday homework and haven't started revising anything at all and I need to make my Sec 3 and 4 geog notes and I don't even have Chem/Math notes, and a lot of my Bio and Lit and E math notes (ahh, I spent so long on Lit/E math notes) are gone with my Tablet because the last time I backed up my tablet was last year.

I really hope I have the A math mindmap Charlie Choy helped us with in my backup, because that's crucial and I really don't want to get another F9 for my A math.


Jun 9, 2009

I realised I've been sounding very emo on my blog recently.

So here's something positive:

While at Vivo today, I bought something cool from Diva!
'Cos, like, I pierced my ears in Sec 3 but the ear holes closed up when Jt took my stud out (and anyway it was pierced like crap, slanted really badly so it was really hard to reach the hole at the back, AND it wasn't even pierced in a straight line so I couldn't put it back, almost pierced another new hole right through the flesh when I was trying to find the other hole) and I doubt I'll ever pierce my ears again. (LOL, and some people have, what, 6 holes per ear. I have zero.)

So like, I managed to get clip-on earring converters! :D I can wear earrings now! :D

I'm using my old tablet.

The charger suddenly made a scary crackling sound and there were yellow sparks of fire coming out of the transformer. AHH.


Laziness = Complacency. The lack of willingness to change. Maybe we're too comfortable with familiarity.

Lack of time too, sorry, I know it's 99.9% my fault.

I did bring it up, subtly. I didn't want you guys to start getting angry and bitching behind my back, etc. After all I'm the one who meets up with you guys the least; the physical distance is already too much, you guys are my best friends; I can't let an emotional distance form between us too.

Somehow, I don't feel we've improved much since our first performance.

We all need to be very vocally strong individually; then only can our performance be good overall. Acapella ain't easy, in fact it's harder than going solo, because we don't have music; we are the music.

You've improved a lot, we all can see that. Or I do even more because I don't hear you sing much anymore. That's why I have faith that you're able to hold a part on your own. So don't bring yourself down, believe in yourself and what you can do.

On the other hand, my standard has gone way too low. I sing so much worse than I used to. Can't even do harmony well anymore. Probably the lack of practice. LACK OF TIME (!!!). Maybe I've even sort of lost my passion for this. I know that when I join OB again, I'll "find my love" again, but I guess I've forgotten how it feels like to perform with you guys, or to sing, any more. 

My vocal teacher once told me in a Christmas card that I had "potential" in my voice.

Yes, my tablet is stolen

Using my old one for the time being. Startup time is really slow and it takes a billion years to load MSN and Safari. But I like the keyboard :D

K, went to Vivo (again, where I lost my tablet. Went to Superdog somemore. Made me emo for a while) with Sumay, Chuen Wee, Long Yin, my dad and brother and 8 of my brother's friends. My brother's birthday party lah! Went to watch Monsters vs Aliens LOL WTH Yeah it's damn lame but also brainlessly funny, something my mum would call it "mindless entertainment".

Expo VS performance on Saturday, it turns out Laoshi asked Carmen to perform too! :O So I'm not the only non-OB performer haha.

Jun 8, 2009

Pray for me people.

Karen Ho lost her Fujitsu Tablet PC at Superdog at Vivo today.

Jun 7, 2009

After a year of hard work, we're still where we used to be.

We aren't even improving; we're doing the same things we did more than a  year ago. It's not even that we aren't capable of doing better; we just aren't trying. 

Just goes to show how willing we are to improve ourselves, no?

Laziness, wanting to take the easy way out? Fear of going off-note? 

We're stagnant. Might as well play our disgusting OB In-house concert video for them to see. We're doing the same things anyway. The only difference is that this one is going to be draggier.

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. Being confident and believing we'll do well does NOT mean we should be lazy and compacent. It means we should strive to do better.

Between you and me.

Nobody else needs to read this. In fact, nobody has to.

Not for anyone else to read because I know it's me in the wrong. So if you aren't S, don't read it.

Just to remind yourself of what you said when I said I needed hope:
"Fuck you don't get it ok? Fuck I'm trying to let you understand but you don't and I am fucking tired of being your fucking boyfriend. I am a fucking bastard. I am fucking emotional and when I cry you don't even fucking know. Cb. You don't and will never understand why I cut myself at all! All you do is tell me to stop.. You don't even know what casues more pain to me.. YOU ARE A FUCKING BITCH. YEAH. DON'T THANK ME. YOU ARE MOST WELCOME."

I don't see why I deserve this when I told you I've lost hope.

Along with the previous "I hate you"s, "I feel like beating you up", "Get lost", and the rest,

I'm sorry. Please be stronger, so that I can tell you how I feel without hurting you.

It's irritating to always have to hide what I really want to say from you because I'm afraid of hurting you. And I still do anyway.

I know it's because you love me that you get hurt like this. But seriously, be stronger. Love yourself a little more; have a little self-pride.


It's 5.26pm; I have two full E math papers to hand up by tomorrow and I spent the whole day doing half a paper. How unproductive can I get?

Since when did my life revolve around schoolwork?

I betrayed myself by praying for you guys, by sending those encouragements.
My thoughts make me a selfish person I guess, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't let it affect me, or you guys, but that's that. How would you feel if you were in my shoes?

My best friends are out there spending a lot of time together, acheiving their dreams, and what used to be my dream, together. All I can do is sit here staring at my bloody E math paper calculating the probability some idiot will pick two coins out of the box that add up to 30 cents, and look at the pile of homework I've yet to complete, and try not to think about what I'll do in the future, and wish you the best of luck, and fake a smile, and let the tears flow.

I tried to ignore all the other times.. but my emotions do explode once in a while.

You guys get to do this, to experience our dreams, to spend time together, go out till late at night without a curfew. I'm effing stuck at home, with strict restrictions whether or not I'm having some bloody major exam. Even before I was Sec 4, you guys could do sleepovers, stay out late, I couldn't. It was always, always me. It has always been me who's left behind, who can't make it for this and that, who has to go home before a certain time, who spoils the fun.

"Dreams must die before they can be resurrected. Maybe their difficult days are not here yet. In a way, you are ahead of them."
Am I?

"They're them, but you're YOU. You're Karen Ho, and God made you differently from them. Maybe God wants to give you greater challenges now so that you'll rise up higher than them."

First it was my lack of freedom, then Tongues, now this; if Jason and Jessie are right, God must really like challenging me like this.


But I'm not even 吃苦-ing, I'm just missing out on a lot of things. That can't be a good thing, can it?

Perhaps I'll find better opportunities in future, perhaps I'll rise above people. But man, I want to achieve my dreams with you guys.

I feel like laughing at myself. What dream? Haven't I given up on it already?
What's the point in holding on? It just makes me pissed at myself and get emo, because I can't even do anything about it.

What I need now, is to do well for o's. Then all this would've been worth it.

But where's the time to study? I guess I shouldn't have joined AYG, then I would've had much more time.

What I need, is

Since all we seem to do is hurt each other, why are we still holding on?

It's time to pray

Janice + Jt + Maddie:
All the best for your singers' exam!!!

Right, okay, now that I'm done with this I really should get off the comp and start finishing my homework. Two Math papers to hand up tomorrow which I haven't done, and I've got a mad ton of homework I haven't started on. A Math + E Math homework = KILLER. I also have to redo my Sec 3 Geog notes, and do the Sec 4 ones. I....should not be online.

Jun 6, 2009


Straits Times page A6 - Daoxin frowning HAHAHAHAHA.
Weekend Today page 50. Quite messy but whatever, still nice ;D


Jun 5, 2009

Dance practice at Nan Hua

First, I have to say this.
The media arrived in the afternoon, when the parade square ground was really hot, and we had to pose BAREFOOT while they cameras filmed don't-care-who say a few sentences, and then we had to dance barefoot, and our feet were getting cooked so we were more concerned about our feet than the dance moves so our expressions were D: and we didn't dance well and the cameraman filmed it all down.

Thank goodness the news only showed the good parts HAHA.

Okay for the rest of it. We made Laoshi quite angry :/ Sorry Laoshi. We did waste a lot of time lah. Small misunderstandings and stuff. Sorry Nan Hua for making you guys cook in the sun. Really sorry.

Poor Maycia had really bad breathing difficulties; I almost cried praying for her.

Finale is FUN! I'm paired up with a small Nan Hua boy who's extremely cute HAHA.


Nan Hua's french braids are awesome.

Okay end of story. I sound like a lame ass but whatever.

I need to know you love me.

My heart just needs to hear it for real, one more time.

Why the indifference?

But maybe that's what makes true faith even more amazing.

Maybe God doesn't mind these counter-arguments; it'd help Him see who really would still stand by him despite all the evidence to show He doesn't exist.
Revelations says: 144,000.

There are too many counter-arguments for me to ignore them any longer.

So what am I supposed to think of Christianity? Has what I've been believing in for years been pointless? How about the things I've told myself I can't do because it would displease God?


Do you think Singaporeans dress badly?

Yes, pretty much. Few Singaporeans dress well, especially us younger teens and the aunties. When I go to Japan etc., everyone's mega trendy and everyone bothers to dress up and look really nice, and I realise you would feel out of place wearing what you would normally feel normal in in Singapore. But wait, I have reasons for this.

1) The weather. In places like Japan or Taiwan where there are four seasons, you need suitable clothes for each season, so you've got more mix-and-match options. Also, it's so hot in Singapore, I doubt many would bother to layer/dress up, and die in the sweltering heat. Even if we would like to, we'd risk being labelled "vain" by friends. "So hot still dress until like that! Just want to look nice only!"
In Japan's/Taiwan's/Australia's colder autumn/winter/spring weather, people would already need to layer their clothes to keep warm, so with good matching sense, people would be able to look really good and it would suit the weather. In Singapore, it's summer all year round, and people would laugh at you. For example, I like boots, but it's far too hot in Singapore to wear them (and not be laughed at by people dressed in more comfortable footwear). 

2) Other stuff to think about. Sleep. Who cares about looking good in Singapore? If I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before due to homework, I wouldn't bother spending time looking good to go out. I'd rather use the time to sleep or something, and then grab a tee and jeans/shorts when I need to go out. Nobody would care about what I look like.
(The typical Singaporean mindset, no?)
Also, being the busy Singaporeans we are, we'd have a lot of other things to do, like homework, or housework, or work, or...catching up on sleep. Spending effort to look good isn't a priority. In fact, to some, it's a waste of time. "Look good for other people to see for what! Might as well spend the time doing something productive."

Are flip-flops acceptable? Acceptable in beaches/barbeque gatherings, of course. 
Slightly unacceptable in shopping centres/areas, very uancceptable in wedding dinners (HAHA) and official meetings/gatherings. 
The way you dress when meeting someone, I feel, also reflects how much you respect that person. If you go for dinner with an old friend in a reputable restaurant in a polo tee and FBTs, it implies you don't really care about the dinner with your friend, and that you don't really treasure the time spent with him/her.

What do I feel about people wearing their PJs out?
Wearing your pyjamas out is, in my opinion, unacceptable. No explanation needed, and I can't explain it. It's just.. plain disrespect. Like "I couldn't  bother looking at least acceptable to go out and meet you, so I just wore my jammies out." But then again, it could also say "I know you don't judge me by what I wear, and you know me better than that, and I don't have to bother looking good to you, because you know me so well that looks don't matter." And that's good, isn't it? It's also a true test of friendship when you don't mind being seen in the streets with your friend who's in pjs. HAHA.

Then again, it depends on what you wear to sleep. I wear a class/CCA/camp tee and FBTs. But when I go out I make it a point to change, even if I'm going to wear another class/CCA/camp tee and another pair of FBTs. It's become a habit I guess.

I doubt a lot of people wear actual PJs to sleep in hot and humid Singapore. I'd drown in sweat. Unless you switch the air-conditioning on all the time, of course, but what happened to being environmentally friendly? Save the earth!

Not for the pure-hearted, please

Don't kill me, but I think at this age homo sex is far better than hetero.

It's true what. If you're having sex with someone of the same gender, the chance of pregnancy is zero hahaha, and what the other person has is what you have too anyway. With BG couples, they all want to "explore" and whatever, but they ain't much to explore with a homo couple. With a GG couple, it's nothing more than a finger up your toot, which is really nothing compared to a BG couple, where it's a cock up it, yknow?

Sorry if this topic is a little touchy (HAHAHAHA pun not intended), but it was something I was thinking about. Hearing about girls having sex/oral with their boyfriends (or exes) one too many times have caused me to do some thinking, as I always do when something begins to nag at my mind (? Does that make sense?), and then I start looking at how corrupted the world's become and somehow I get quite bothered by it.


Jun 4, 2009

I'm fighting for something that has died long ago

guin says:
i secretly loved morning practices.
i loved telling the whole class i have dance in the morning.
i loved telling all the teachers i was late cos I HAD DANCE.
i kind of liked the teachers scolding me for not handing in work then go DANCE AGAIN?
and when my clique wants to hang out after school, i go I can't go, I have dance (:
and proud of it, you know?

guin says (4:36 PM):
i still think the sec 2s and the sec 1s dont know whats going on and what's that dance passion. they don't seem to understand the dance we had last time. but i can't blame them also.

guin says (4:37 PM):
dance's becoming a very..............................................
not- emotional place.
where's all the fun and joy we had last time?
crying, laughing, sweating, training together just doesnt fit anymore.

guin says (3:24 PM):
shit, suddenly feelings of 2006-2007 come whirling back and i miss it so much
i cant even say i miss crescent dance cos crescent dance is not the same anymore
its like you realise that the crescent dance you had will change, and you kind of will never find it again
and you only realise it after you leave.
and you start regretting.

I couldn't agree more.


Pictures on Facebook. Click here
Farewell video I made:


Okay now.

2nd June: Practice was very tiring, which is a good thing. We had practice till around 4 plus? The finale dance is SUPERBLY FUN! Videoed us dancing it but it was pretty horrible.
Farewell was really sweet, THANK YOU JUNIORS! I didn't do a Farewell speech because I knew everyone was getting really sian, but here it is:

Actually, regarding what Xiuxian said about me scolding people very "fluently" and fast, I actually don't know what I'm saying half the time. Sometimes I do believe God's the one speaking through me. (I know non-Christians would find this weird, but.) It's like, whatever I say does come from my heart, and it's what's troubling me with regards to Dance, but I really don't even plan on saying it and I don't even know what I'm saying. After the scolding, I usually can't remember a thing I've said, except for the main points, because the main points are the ones I actually think about before saying. Weird or what? When I'm scolding, and I'm not thinking about what I say, whatever I say is true and comes from my heart, and I can scold really "fluently" without stopping much. Once I think "What am I saying?" and try to think about it, I stop and my mind blanks out. So yes, I believe it's God helping me through.

Thank you, all of you, for being patient with me, and giving me the chance to grow into my role. I know nobody expected me to be the Discipline head. Even Jayden was like "KAREN, YOU DISCIPLINE AH? HAHAHAHA" but whatever, I hope I've proven myself worthy of this role. I hope whatever I said has helped you guys, and has gotten into your heads, because only then would I have done my duty as a discipline mistress. I used to be super nice to the juinors, but now I realise I don't mind if the juniors hate me, as long as they listen to me and learn from their mistakes. I wonder if they do.

I love Dance, and being the Discipline head and having all the responsibilities strengthened me. Thank you for cooperating with me, and although I know a lot of people were upset with it in the beginning, you guys helped me through and came together in the end, because in the end, the reason for our tears and hard work is the same: our love for Dance.

I hope I haven't let Dance and the seniors down too much, and that Yiqing will push the juniors further so that perhaps we could bring the standard of Dance back up again. I love Dance too much to let it crumble, and I pray the standard will be brought back up, and all of the juniors will get to understand what the passion of Dance really is one day.

K enough for now. Anyway, nightline preparations was FUN HAHAHAH.
For nightline, I was the singing ghost behind the wooden bars in the beginning (I only sang for the first two groups I think. I sang "Over the rainbow" in a high high voice I never expected myself to be capable of achieving). We leaned the red mat against the wooden bars to make a little tunnel, but the first few groups kept screaming and making the mat fall so in the end we gave up putting it back up. I was in charge of taking photos so I think a lot of people recognised me thanks to the light from the camera and the camera flash.

I remember I was crawling in a limping way to a few juniors and someone went "Eh! I think that's Karen leh!" and the rest of them started screaming like mad ._. HAHAHA. Another one said "That crawling person very freaky!"
Dilys (I think) kept saying it was me really loudly. ): Spoiler! HAHA. Then there was this time I was singing Over the Rainbow in that stupid voice under the row of tables they were supposed to crawl under, then one of the people edged as far away from me as possible and went "Oh my gosh why you sing here one!" XD


Yay the Sec 4s got to sleep on the red mat at night! Unfortunately the aircon wasn't on. I brought my windbreaker AND pullover can! Used the SYF '07 song as our alarm, apparently a few people found it freaky :O

3rd June: Tiring diaoing plus I had stomach aches, Idk why. Games were stupidly fun plus forfeit was the best haha. Joan had to put lipstick on and kiss someone on the cheek, she nearly kissed Letty but kissed Geraldine instead then Geraldine was angry at Letty so Geraldine and Joan chased Letty until they ended up climbing the wooden bars to the gallery area XD

K Dance camp was fun and I don't feel like talking anymore because today is one of the only "rest" days I have for the holidays. I think I have less than 5 rest days. SHIT. MYEs are in Week 3, how?! And there's that OB singers' course performance on June 13.

Plus I lost the A4 exercise book that contains all the Sec 3 Geog notes I made.

am dead shit.

Before I forget,

Something nice Jocelyn said:

(Is that correct? I'll ask her when I see her online.)

DANCE CAMP! Will blog about it + upload pictures soon!

Jun 1, 2009

Now that Chinese O's are over, it's time to prepare for MYEs

Considering the fact that I've just been "liberated", as Guin put it, I feel considerably moody.
Why? Why am I feeling so down now? Was it because of what I just saw?
I hate how I think too much. It gives me unnecessary emo and messed up feelings.

"Sleep well. God is with you."
You know, Mad, those two sentences somehow brought me a feeling of warmth and an undescribable amount of comfort. It was amazing, like as if God was there reading it out to me.

Thank you W412, Su may, Daoxin, and all who wished me good luck; thank you Jacey for your very willing help, and Cuixiao for always answering my questions in detail to make sure I understood.

I love you guys.


Chinese O's are over.

Or Paper 1 and 2, at least.

Paper one was okay. I did 私函:试写一封信给你的朋友,谈谈小组专题作业的利与弊。
My pros were: 1) We learn to work together, 2) we pick up debating skills and learn to stay strong in your arguments but accept others' opinions at the same time, and 3) we learn how to do research. All will help us in the future.
Cons: 1) We end up relying on others too much and might not be able to handle large tasks on our own in the future, 2) some people might refuse to chip in but they still get the marks anyway which is unfair.

And then I did Narrative for the compo. 有人做了一件令你感动的事。试写出这件事的经过,以及它对你的影响。
I wrote that I had gotten into an accident and was only released from hospital 2 weeks before the CHINESE O'S (hahahaha), so I didn't really have time to prepare and was lagging far behind everyone else, then one week before the O's the most hardworking girl in class made a folder of notes for me, because she sympathized with my condition. So I was very touched and blah and it motivated me to work really hard for my O's. Mmm.

I used the idioms I learnt, but in really stupid places, I just kept trying to squeeze them in wherever I could. Hope I get an A1 for the Paper 1, it's the paper I have the most confidence in.

I actually think I'm quite dead for Paper 2. For my close passage, I have 5 answers that are different from Cuixiao's. FIVE! And for the MCQs, Jessie and I have 2 different answers for 5 questions (I didn't check the other five).


Okay I really hope I get an A. AHH!