Jun 7, 2009


It's 5.26pm; I have two full E math papers to hand up by tomorrow and I spent the whole day doing half a paper. How unproductive can I get?

Since when did my life revolve around schoolwork?

I betrayed myself by praying for you guys, by sending those encouragements.
My thoughts make me a selfish person I guess, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't let it affect me, or you guys, but that's that. How would you feel if you were in my shoes?

My best friends are out there spending a lot of time together, acheiving their dreams, and what used to be my dream, together. All I can do is sit here staring at my bloody E math paper calculating the probability some idiot will pick two coins out of the box that add up to 30 cents, and look at the pile of homework I've yet to complete, and try not to think about what I'll do in the future, and wish you the best of luck, and fake a smile, and let the tears flow.

I tried to ignore all the other times.. but my emotions do explode once in a while.

You guys get to do this, to experience our dreams, to spend time together, go out till late at night without a curfew. I'm effing stuck at home, with strict restrictions whether or not I'm having some bloody major exam. Even before I was Sec 4, you guys could do sleepovers, stay out late, I couldn't. It was always, always me. It has always been me who's left behind, who can't make it for this and that, who has to go home before a certain time, who spoils the fun.

"Dreams must die before they can be resurrected. Maybe their difficult days are not here yet. In a way, you are ahead of them."
Am I?

"They're them, but you're YOU. You're Karen Ho, and God made you differently from them. Maybe God wants to give you greater challenges now so that you'll rise up higher than them."

First it was my lack of freedom, then Tongues, now this; if Jason and Jessie are right, God must really like challenging me like this.


But I'm not even 吃苦-ing, I'm just missing out on a lot of things. That can't be a good thing, can it?

Perhaps I'll find better opportunities in future, perhaps I'll rise above people. But man, I want to achieve my dreams with you guys.

I feel like laughing at myself. What dream? Haven't I given up on it already?
What's the point in holding on? It just makes me pissed at myself and get emo, because I can't even do anything about it.

What I need now, is to do well for o's. Then all this would've been worth it.

But where's the time to study? I guess I shouldn't have joined AYG, then I would've had much more time.

What I need, is

Since all we seem to do is hurt each other, why are we still holding on?

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