I want to cry but I can't let my feelings out for too long, because I don't want my parents or brother to find out, and I need to try my best not to feel sad, because I can't study when I'm in a bad mood. But feelings can't be helped, no?
You know, I hate it when people tell me they think I'm a very happy-go-lucky, crazy hyper person, because I'm not. I know I make it seem like I'm always in a good / above-average mood, but sometimes, the wide grin and the crazy laughter is just a mask I wear on, or something I do to try and convince myself that I'm okay, to make myself forget about what I'm thinking about. Most of the time, I succeed. But when the curtain closes and the show I put on everyday ends, beneath that mask of happiness are the eyes of an insecure, low-confidenced, desperate, lonely, sensitive, emotional and extremely confused soul.
When someone asked if I'm okay because I look emo, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone asked if I was daydreaming, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone asked if the reason I was tearing was because I'd just put my contacts on, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When people asked "Karen, why do you look so emo? Are you okay?" I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone told me something I didn't want to hear, something I knew would make me think a lot and get a little confused and emo later on, I shrugged that thought off and humbled myself and immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed.
I've been doing that for years. I guess it's also because I'm in a girls' school. Yes, most of the friendships are superficial. That over-the-top caring tone when someone you have a superficial friendship with, one that's just for show (and both of you know that) says "You can always come to me, okay?", that very concerned way of saying "Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" that comes so naturally people use that tone even if they don't really care, the fake smiles, the electric thoughts behind those awkward pauses. It's hard to stay true after four years of going through this.
I guess sometimes I don't want people to know I'm sad because I don't want them to feel bad for me, or show concern. They might feel obliged to even though they want to do something else, even though they don't really want to be there. I don't want someone else to be burdened by my boring problems anyway (and Mad, I'm really sorry.)
But I like listening to others' problems, to know that even those who seem perfect have their fair share of problems too, to know I'm not alone. Maybe that's why I'm a great listening ear even though I provide little comfort/advice. I haven't found a way to acheive happiness either.
I think too much, and I hate it.
Joan said something I find very true, something I've known for a very long time.
Sometimes, the superficiality is revolting.
I do love you. And that's the problem. Love should be selfless, no? But nothing's that simple. For example, which girl would truly feel happy with her (ex) boyfriend if he says he wants to break up with her because he thinks he's found someone better?
We all try, we try, but here's the reality: Love is selfish.
But I can't let that get the better of me. I know I should be selfless about this, because I don't want you to get hurt; I've caused too much hurt to you already, and you deserve freedom, you deserve happiness, and you don't deserve to be hurt. And better now than later. But I just can't do it, I just can't. Love is selfish. But if I keep delaying this, you'll just get so much more hurt in the end, and I wouldn't know how to face myself again.