Naivety

It's 5.26pm; I have two full E math papers to hand up by tomorrow and I spent the whole day doing half a paper. How unproductive can I get?

Since when did my life revolve around schoolwork?

I betrayed myself by praying for you guys, by sending those encouragements.

My thoughts make me a selfish person I guess, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't let it affect me, or you guys, but that's that. How would you feel if you were in my shoes?

My best friends are out there spending a lot of time together, acheiving their dreams, and what used to be my dream, together. All I can do is sit here staring at my bloody E math paper calculating the probability some idiot will pick two coins out of the box that add up to 30 cents, and look at the pile of homework I've yet to complete, and try not to think about what I'll do in the future, and wish you the best of luck, and fake a smile, and let the tears flow.

I tried to ignore all the other times.. but my emotions do explode once in a while.

You guys get to do this, to experience our dreams, to spend time together, go out till late at night without a curfew. I'm effing stuck at home, with strict restrictions whether or not I'm having some bloody major exam. Even before I was Sec 4, you guys could do sleepovers, stay out late, I couldn't. It was always, always me. It has always been me who's left behind, who can't make it for this and that, who has to go home before a certain time, who spoils the fun.

"Dreams must die before they can be resurrected. Maybe their difficult days are not here yet. In a way, you are ahead of them."

Am I?

"They're them, but you're YOU. You're Karen Ho, and God made you differently from them. Maybe God wants to give you greater challenges now so that you'll rise up higher than them."

First it was my lack of freedom, then Tongues, now this; if Jason and Jessie are right, God must really like challenging me like this.

吃得苦中苦，方为人上人？

But I'm not even 吃苦-ing, I'm just missing out on a lot of things. That can't be a good thing, can it?

Perhaps I'll find better opportunities in future, perhaps I'll rise above people. But man, I want to achieve my dreams with you guys.

I feel like laughing at myself. What dream? Haven't I given up on it already?

What's the point in holding on? It just makes me pissed at myself and get emo, because I can't even do anything about it.

What I need now, is to do well for o's. Then all this would've been worth it.

But where's the time to study? I guess I shouldn't have joined AYG, then I would've had much more time.

What I need, is

time.

Since all we seem to do is hurt each other, why are we still holding on?

I'm in the midst of doing my JJ Concert & Kbox event blog post

I'm here in my room, alone emotionally, and you guys are there, watching touching videos and listening to touching stories and bonding and singing and being where I want to be.
Not just physically, but in terms of achievement too.

That life I wanted to lead, that dream I wanted to realise. You guys have gotten it, I'm now nothing more than a friend in the background who's trying to catch up so she won't fall too far behind. I hope that although I won't be able to be with you guys for a very long time, you won't forget me and I won't become an irritating extra who tries to tag along and blend in.

You guys promise it won't happen, but nobody knows. Nobody. You may say it now but it'd be a miracle if it doesn't happen.

Well, it used to be the four of us. Maybe now it still is, a little. We were like strong covalent-bonded H2O2 molecules, and I'm an O, who was with you guys and we formed Hydrogen peroxide. You guys don't see how any of us can break apart from this bond because well, we're Hydrogen peroxide! But now my bond is getting weaker and weaker, and eventually you guys will just be H2O and I'll just be a lonely O ion, and you'll realise you formed a perfect water molecule and I was just an extra atom that got in the way.
Yah lah damn lame example. But that's how I see it.

I know you guys will convince me this won't happen. But no matter how hard I try, there definitely will be a distance. When we stop intermediate lessons, when I can no longer go for OB, when I can't meet up with you guys, when I can't go online as much as I used to, we'll slowly lose contact. And when I finish my O's and come back, there'd be so much I missed out on that it'd be impossible to get our old feelings back together again. It won't be the same.


Have fun reaching for your dreams. I'll be supporting you all the way. Live my dream for me too. The dream I never got to achieve.

13 March - Smudge OFFICIAL LAUNCH

Ann Siang's a great place to camwhore at. I've got more than 100 pictures from yesterday. And only 5 are of JJ :/

OB:

Mad loves to zilian with my cam.

SCANDALOUS HAHA. Love Mad's cheeky smile XD
J4M CAN NOW PLAY THE GUITAR! (Or I'm struggling to learn anw. The other 3 learnt in Fei chang ge shou)

My disgusting hair

Ann Siang:

Jacey!

Our picture is at the bottomest leftest :D

Jt imitating JJ's smudge poster!

There goes Jt's guitar

Jt the busker

Love these pics

Haha. Xueling looks like some celeb and Maddie looks like some pathetic fan trying to wave at her.

At the staircase queuing to get in..

See the holes in the wall? Janice used the cement powder in the holes to smear that on the wall. JJ saw it, and according to Jacey, he LAUGHED :D :D :D :D

..Then we managed to get into the shop, after a long long queue.

Love these tees. They're biblical phrases. I especially love the one in the middle. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me."

ELVIS BEARBRICK WAHAHAHA

At 7 plus we went back to OB (Jan and Mad had lessons) but we heard that JJ would be coming down later so I went back to Ann Siang first (it's very near OB), the rest came later and missed him O:

NO ZOOM! I was this near to him (:

Then we camwhored more.

Jan & JJ's assistant XD

I haven't cried this much in a long time.

Today, J4M will be having their first Very Singers' Training Course lesson.
It's their orientation today.

Well, J4M minus one, anyway.

STUPID O'S.

Here my dream is, right in front of me, and I'm throwing it away because of school.
Fei Chang Ge Shou comes only once in two years, and in two years' time my dad says I probably won't be able to join either, because it's my A LEVEL year.
Well even if my dad allows me to join the next round, what are my chances of making it in? I won't be joining as part of an acapella group anymore, because all of them would be already in the course because they're joining this round! I'll have to join as a SOLO! And that'll be much harder, obviously. And I probably wouldn't be able to make it in.

Sec 4 life's so stressful. So much to do and no time at all. Look, I've got this terrible cold and I had to sit for the SS test, and I only managed to answer 2 questions. And I've this huge mountain of homework to do and there's no freaking time because you know, we've dance till 6.30 and then tomorrow there's Chinese writing test/mock test, and then we have all these remedials, they can't expect us not to be able to attend all the remedials and finish all our homework and still have time to study and still be able to get ENOUGH SLEEP can they?!?!

See, my parents were both in Acapella groups once. Yeah they used to be performers. And my mother was the backup singer of this singer called Barry Manilow, apparently very famous or whatever. Then they gave up their musical careers to ... become a teacher, and a manager. And now my dad complains so much about not having enough sleep and having too many papers to mark and having a lot of troublesome students, and then my mother keeps complaining about irritating bosses/colleagues. Was it worth giving up their dreams for a disgusting job they didn't like?

Look at people like JJ, and Xueling laoshi, and Sendy laoshi, and song composers/lyrics writers, all these other people who're earning A LOT of money in the music industry. Their paper qualifications have pretty much gone to waste! And they're very successful in what they're doing!

Got qualifications so what! My ambition has nothing to do with what I'm learning. So I'm learning useless stuff to get a good grade so that I can torture myself with study even more and then go to university and study EVEN MORE so that I can get enough qualifications to be able to become some office worker or manager or whatever when I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO ANY OF THOSE?!


ARGH.
I WANT MY FEI CHANG GE SHOU.

GROSS

EWWWWWWWW THEY PUT OUR RECORDING OF QI DAI AI ON JJFC RADIO. TWICE SOMEMORE!!!

IT'S SUPER GROSS OKAY! LIKE, MY HARMONY WAS OFF-KEY ONCE?! LIKE, MY VOICE FREAKING BROKE!!!!!!!

AND IT WAS VERY RUSHED.

AND IT'S IT'S SO EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

The best comments I've heard so far about the singers' training course

Dad: "Aiyah as long as you're not tone deaf they'll let you in one lah"

Jessie: "Wah lao who's the judge! He never dig his ears properly is it! I help him dig lah! You guys suck can!"

Cuixiao: -ignores me-

---

Thanks peeps. I feel so encouraged! *grin*

"Successful people are not born that way. They empower themselves to create their own reality and are aware that the only limitations on their accomplishments are those imposed by themselves."

Fyi Suah I do not think J4M's good at singing, nor do I think we're going to become a future group thing.

We're just a bunch of normal kids who're good friends who have a huge fairytale dream to work towards. Just like any other sucky studio-in-the-garage tone-deaf band.

And well we're so young, we have about 60-70 years more on Earth, and that's how long we'll continue to work towards our goal, what we love doing the most.

After all, the one thing that's worse than having an unattainable impossible dream is having no goal at all (:

I told my mum I need to get a pair of heels by friday night because Saturday's the JJ thing, and from past experiences of having to use my camera to help me see by holding it up high and watching from my camera screen because everyone's heads were blocking my view, I've learnt my lesson. I need to be taller to actually be able to see him. Just in case I'm not in the front row.

I spent all my allowance on Vday stuff

J4M GOT INTO OB'S VERY SINGER TRAINING COURSE!!!!!!!!

:D :D :D

Well I know I can't join it lah, because of O's and everything. I guess I'll wait until I'm 19 before I try again (because the course is only a once-every-four-years thing). But well, it's nice to know that you're capable of getting in right? (: Not that we sing very well, duh(in fact more like the opposite, except Jan of course), but it's nice to know that at the very least, we don't all go terribly off-key etc. when we sing together.

And Janice doesn't know if she's going to join or not. Maddie and Jt should be able to join, but then we wouldn't be a group. Here's the dilemma:

If Mad and Jt Join:
Pro: They'll be able to strengthen their vocals through the intensive training, and so their voices will be stronger and more stable, and that would benefit the whole of J4M! And they can share what they learnt with Jan and me.
Con: We won't be a group anymore, we probably wouldn't be able to do stuff as a group anymore, and we're inseperable okay!

Maybe we should discuss with Xueling laoshi and together on Fri?
Anyway, YAY J4M (:

Isn't it quite cool? If we join (or if I COULD join) the course, we'd be JJ's and By2's and Xinhui's and Ferlin's and XUELING LAOSHI's juniors! HAHAHA.


Janice has got great dreams for us. I don't really have great dreams for J4M, but I have great dreams for Janice. And she's capable of training her voice to be strong enough to be able to use singing as a career. I'm very confident of it. Girl you're only fifteen! And we all love your singing, you'll shine one day.
Oh and promise me something. When you become a da ming xing, I WANT TO BE YOUR MANAGER/PERSONAL ASSISTANT OKAY! Promise me promise me.

22nd Dec: LAUNCH OF SMUDGE TEEEEEE!

Jan Jt and I walked around confusedly for a very long time before we came to 8A Ann Siang Road. It's near Maxwell Food Centre, which is near OB, so next time we can go there after OB to hang out HAHAHA! WHOO!
Then Maddie couldn't find her way so Jt and I went to fetch her from Maxwell -.-

First 50 to reach would get a free poster! Jan, Jt, Mad and I were 7-10. WHOOOO!
Sang Christian songs haha, and tried to learn the one Jt composed (that some other guy in the cell group wrote the lyrics for. VERY NICE K!) Got quite bored waiting. THE ALLEYS LOOK DAMN COOL!!!! The walls are all very plain and some of the walls have cute colours like peach, light green etc. Must go there to camwhore sometime!



THEN WE BOUGHT THE TEES OH YAY! We all got the ones with the ring outside. (Will take pics another time!) Jan and Jt got men's cut, Mad and I got female. Mad and Jan and I bought white, Jt bought black. I wish I could keep the VERY NICE coupon but if I kept it I'd have to pay $70 instead of $50 -.- EH! AHH I DIDN'T TAKE A PIC OF THE COUPON!!! *wails*


Then we wrote messages on this board. We wrote our messages together and put a crazy border aroud it and wrote J4M all over the place in hope that he'd still remember us HAHA. Then we sat down for the VIDEO CONFERENCE!!


JJ was SUPPOSED to be overseas, and he said that if we came for the conference he'd give us a great surprise we wouldn't want to miss. When he came on we all screamed hahaha. HE DAMN CUTE K! He sang Jingle Bells softly for us. And he kept chuckling to himself in this DAMN CUTE WAY I've never heard him laugh before. And his laughter was damn funny (I wish I'd recorded it), so everytime he laughed we'd laugh after that, and then he'd laugh again, then we'd laugh again. XD And he kept having difficulty hearing us. Someone asked JJ if the inspiration for the very weird Smudge logo was from the shape of his nose, then he kept asking "What? Huh? ...*cups hand over ear and leans towards screen* HUH?" And then he finally heard it and pointed at his nose and gave this amused expression and went "My NOSE?!" And then he kept pointing at and squeezing his nose. HAHAHA HE'S THE CUTEST LAH

So after a while he said "So, are you ready for the surprise?" Then he held the webcam and started walking and walking and walking and at first I thought he was at his house and he was taking us to his bedroom or something, but then HE APPEARED AT THE DOOR!!!


Wah lao he always like that surprise us one lor. During the 2-1-07 JJFC gathering he used Joanne's phone and called Carol's (right?) phone and she put it on loudspeaker and he was like, "I'm cominggggg" then he appeared. XD

Anw, HE DAMN SWEET K! He was supposed to be in Malaysia, and he was flying off to U.S. tomorrow, so he decided to fly down to visit us first, AWWWWW!

THIS WAS HOW NEAR I WAS TO HIM
So we were all screaming mad. AND Jt Jan Mad and I were at the first row NGYAHAHA! So he talked a bit. He made us sing You Ni Xuan Ze for him. XD

And then someone passed him this bun thing then he bit into it then he was like "Eh?" HAHA it was the Action City kind of toy bun. HE AH!!! XD So he said he'd throw it and he'd autograph a poster and give it to whoever caught it. Threw a number of times.

He was trying to be funny and he faced the wall and while facing the wall, he threw the bun from under his legs HAHAHA he looked like a dog trying to pee HAHAHA managed to catch a blur picture of it XD

JT CAUGHT IT YEAHHHH OMGGGGGOSHHH!

So as she stood up she said "Jt" then JJ said "Jt" then someone asked JJ if he knew her, then he said (in Chinese),
"Yeah I know her, she can sing well, she's got a lot of talent!"
AHHHHHHH HE REMEMBERS J4MMMMMMM!

So Jt made him write "To: J4m" haha, he made her bend over a little, then he lay the poster on her back so that he could autograph the poster. HAHA!

JJ AUTOGRAPHED A POSTER TO J4M!!! :D

He sang XIAO JIU WOOOOOOO!!!

Went totally high. He had to leave too soon ):

Then some cameraman guy was recording videos of people saying stuff to JJ, so J4M recorded one :D We sang Sarang Heyo in our J4M way haha. After we finished singing that JJFC Radio guy was staring at us in that O.O expression HAHA! Hope JJ sees the vid (: (And I hope I didn't go off-key as the harmony. AGAIN)

Then that JJFC Radio guy wanted to record us singing so we sang Qi Dai Ai, IT WAS SO MEGA SCREWED OMG! Saddddded, I hope he suddenly loses the recording or something then we record again HAHA.
(If he posts it up, JJFC, please DON'T listen to us singing on the radio HAHA)

Then we went to URA Building to camwhore, then went to OB to kachiau Wewe. (:

LOVE YOU GUYS!