It's a lonely road

Wonder what someone does when the loneliness is too much to bear.

When the loneliness is too much to bear.

(Shucks, I need to be 41kg again.)

It's been close to two years down this road. Before July 10, we met around six times a week - and often, it still wasn't enough. The first time in a year and nine months I went home alone, I realised how dependent I had become on the person I suddenly ripped myself apart from.

Not that I miss that person, of course. I don't miss the person or the times. It's all a good memory and nothing more. But love - when it's gone, after a year and nine months of hugs and tears and good-morning texts and affirmation - it leaves a dark burn hole. Like a cigarette burn through a white cotton tee.

To whoever wrote this: I wish I knew you

And if I could change the time, relive a single day;

I would go back to the day I met you.

And I would walk away.

Non-sequitur

Sheena read the untitled entry in the non-sequitur booklet and immediately asked if I wrote it.

The entry's anonymous because 1) it isn't based on anything true, and I don't want people wondering who the guy was and how scandalous my life secretly is because I wrote it without anyone in mind, while listening to a song (the song whose lyrics I end my entry off with - Almost Lover); and 2) because when a name's there, the attention isn't on the writing itself anymore. Especially for something like what I wrote... it's pretty scandalous if you think it was based on a true experience of mine. It wasn't.

But yeah I don't mind people knowing I wrote it as long as they know it wasn't based on anything true! Not really satisfied with how it turned out though.

Meanwhile, I'm in love with Marie's entry.

"remorse code"

The greatest liberty

An interesting tool of liberation we tend to take for granted: the body.

There was this girl I read about a long time ago who went for an operation under general anaesthetic but somehow, due to a dosage miscalculation or whatever, she was able to feel the pain completely even though she was fully paralyzed. She couldn’t scream for help; couldn’t do anything to stop or alert the doctors. She had to seek mental help to deal with the trauma afterwards.

This girl’s body had become her prison for a day.

Now, imagine: You’re on your way to school. A car you don’t see. In an instant, you become fully paralyzed. Weeks. Months. Your limbs refuse to move. Your eyelids refuse to move. You can’t respond, but you can feel. You can think.
Your angry, angry soul commands your body to move – get out of this darn bed and punch something hard. Yet your body isn’t a part of you anymore.

In a state like that, I’d want to cry at my situation at least. Saying I’d be frustrated at my helplessness would be an understatement – in my head, I’d be screaming and thrashing about. The intensity of my anger and frustration would reach violent levels – if only they could be. I’d just want to scream and scream and cry and run and run and run.

But my body wouldn’t allow me to do anything. All that screaming anger at the world building up inside me – I can’t express it. Held down by my own body. All that fire needing to be unleashed when I can’t do so much as blink.

I’d go mental in an hour.

Now, imagine going mental in a state of complete paralysis.

I’d scream for death. I’d scream to be freed from the confines of my own body, holding me down from releasing all that fire inside me. In Heaven my soul would be liberated.

Art. Dance. Dance is a form of expression. So is writing, the way I’m typing at the computer. Imagine being crippled. At least you still can cry.

Now imagine wanting to burst out in complete fury while physically, the only sign you’re alive is your pulse. Wanting to lash out and scream at the world while your body weighs your soul down like a thick slab of concrete.

My God reigns; My God is over all

Who am I that You are mindful of me?
That You hear me when I call

God Almighty; Lord of Glory

You have called me friend

Church service today was the last weekend we'll be having services at Expo. After this it'll be at the Jurong West building for two weeks, and we'll move to Suntec on the 19th!!!!!

Service was awesome. The atmosphere was really there. I prayed, prayed, prayed - my mouth moving furiously in a language I didn't even understand, and suddenly I had the impulse to pray about something I can't remember now, and I felt like I just wasn't able to express how excited and grateful and in awe I was, and I didn't know how else to convey it. How much faster, how much louder, to satisfy my desire to tell Him the extent of what I was feeling., because I didn't even know what I was saying.

Haggai 2:3-5 (NLT)

Is there anyone who can remember this house - the Temple - as it was before? In comparison, how does it look to you now? It must seem like nothing at all!

But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty.

My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.

Service was about discouragement. I guess a lot of times when my friends and I compare things now as they used to be - or the potential of things to turn out as well as they had before, there's usually a sense of hopelessness. Things always seem to be worse as changes happen.

How we miss how Crescent used to be - how we miss our former principal. Crescent Dance and its fallen standards of discipline and passion, two years on. (SYF will tell.) The glory our seniors brought to the school that we can't seem to follow.

This new temple described in the book of Haggai was considerably inferior and lacking in materials as compared to the old one - and a lot smaller. But God declared in Haggai 2:9, "The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory".

What does it matter that the situation seems hopeless; the people don't seem qualified enough; we're so, so far away from reaching the standards of another team -

as long as God's on our side, what do we have to fear? God's intervention in any situation can make it legendary.

Oh and Passion AC (11 Feb) was greatttttt. A night of praise and worship. Found someone to jump along with me in praise - Chloe. It's great to sing praises to God with the 35ths.

Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin; the palm trees swaying in the wind -

images.

We walked along a crowded street - you took my hand and danced with me. And when you left you kissed my lips. You told me you would never

ever

forget these images.

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy; thought you'd want the same for me.

Goodbye, my almost lover, my hopeless dream - I'm trying not to think about you;

can't you just let me be?

Should've known you'd bring me heartache -

almost-lovers always do.

So what did you think I would say?

You asked me what happened to the me you once knew -

how about you, how about you, what happened to the you I once knew? You with that heart-melting silent concern and the funny randomness only you possess and your stupid jokes and the texts I wish I still had. And the notes. And the little things only I would remember. Very small insignificant things.

The you I once knew has died; now you're just a shadow of him. It's about time. I've moved on a huge lot. I remember the days I never thought I'd get out of that grave I had dug - with your shovel - I'm glad I'm out of that hole. But I also need to walk away.

I really like being your friend - your friend and nothing more. It's great to be able to talk generally freely and comfortably.

-

Valentine's day was great -

I think guys who give flowers are really sweet. Justin pulled out a red rose; Alex let me pick a really pretty bright-coloured gerbera; I told Seokhoon randomly that guys who gave flowers were really sweet, and he got me a pink gerbera. Jessica my OG kid gave me a rose.

Very sweet.

I came to school armed with 26 packets of cookies + sweets and cards (ref. to picture of Justin's card and cookies above), and received awesome little gifts - Hyun's socks for the PRians, Chloe's very amazing gifts and letters, Geraldine's cup, a cupcake from another OG kid (Michelle), Grace Caines' awesome poem and Nerds and Reese's, Grace Chan's cookies, Emme's photo, etc etc. Weiliang pumped up a balloon from the Council room that said 'You're 1 in a Million'. Colin tied a heart-shaped helium balloon around my neck (uh, okay).

(Love, me)

Guess you aren't ready

But I'm kinda sick of waiting


I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

So we'll never know

"I like you for the love in you, for your ideals and dedication in life."

That's a first... those tend to be my emotional downfall.

"Keep the flame of love in you burning, you'll be amazing."

Will blog about Valentine's sometime soon.

While the smurf sleeps

Nov 13-16: CCAAB camp

Nov 17: Nov Adventure planning with the Exco

Nov 18-20: Nov Adventure with Council

Nov 22-26: ELL internship at the library

Dec 1-7: Taiwan trip

Dec 7-17: Admin job at Health Promotion Board

Dec 20-30: Malaysia - SPENT ALMOST ALL MY TIME CHIONGING HPB AND COLLEGE PLANNER WORK. COLLEGE PLANNER MADNESS

Jan 3-7: OGL preparation stuff

Jan's school term: Orientation meetings & walk-in rehearsals & morning dance practices blah blah blah hardcore Orientation prep - AND ORIENTATION ITSELF WHOOOO

Feb 1: End of Orientation

Feb 2: Blue-slip day (Sentosa with the OGLs yay!)

Feb 3-6: CNY

Feb 9: Orientation post-mortem

Feb 10: MUTS

Feb 11: WUTS ushering

Feb 12: FIRST ELECTIONS AD-HOC MEETING OMG

Feb 13: De-thorning of roses for Vday (Y), reunion dinner (shucks I just realised I don't have time to buy Vday gifts!!!!!)

...Where's the study time?

.............I love Council. It really should be considered a full-time job. I ought to get paid. With a schedule like that, you can't blame me for neglecting my studies a little, really. I do try. I do try.

Feelings can grow but they can go away too

I can't seem to tell if you're fiction or fact

Show me you can laugh; show me you can cry

Show me who you really are deep down inside

I feel something happenin'; could this be a spark?

To satisfy me, baby, gotta satisfy my heart

Do you know how to touch a girl?

Can you make me laugh?

I can't remember a time where you've actually really made me laugh.

Heck, can you make me smile?

I know what you're pretty good at - you can tick me off and maybe hurt me quite a bit. Not in that way, not like how he used to hurt me (unknowingly), but just....with the little things you say, I guess. They're completely harmless and there's nothing wrong with it. Maybe it's the different ways we look at and react to things - personality clashes. Other than that, though, you're quite a nice person.

He used to make me laugh. A lot. I remember giggling wildly at the tiniest joke - made hilarious to me because he said it.

Painted nails

because I FINALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR FOUR DAYS IN A ROW!!!

The CNY break was awesome. Didn't do homework. In fact, I need to get started on GP right after this post to avoid getting a 0 for my graded assignment.

In between all the random dinners at relatives' and other random people's places, there was...

OG present-giving & hugging on Wednesday morning...

My OGL (/OG kid HAHA)!

Pauline on Wednesday night (along with a few other people)...

Abi's place with the 35ths on Friday...

MT, Matthew's fangirl.

THE DOLPHIN THE SMURF & THE ROPE! (& the Korean)

(And okay I'm just going to do a Justin spam 'cos his smurfy face is so hilarious, but there are many more pictures on Facebook)

Bryan or Keith?

Shabu shabu lunch and pool with Aster, my 2011 orientation group on Saturday... (okay this is quite ironic because out of the 10 people who turned up, only 4 were actual J1s from Aster; 3 were the OGLs - Grace, Lee and me - and 3 were crashers.)...

(It was actually my first time playing pool. Halfway through we gave up playing properly and started camwhoring / trying to look cool.)

and foster siblings Pauline, Lee/Seokhoon (Yeah I just 'adopted' Lee yesterday during the OG outing) PLUS childhood friends Sarah and Sumay at my place today! Along with some of my parents' other NUS choir friends, including Sarah's and Sumay's parents.

Spammed Rock Band on the PS3; went crazy with Are You Gonna Be My Girl. Sumay'll probably upload the video of us screaming like idiots soon.

Had awesome fun this break.

Okay, time for GP.

I put my faith in you, so much faith

and then you just threw it away

I walk a lonely road; the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's only me and I walk alone.

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me - till then I walk alone.

Oh no, didn't mean to sound all emo during the Chinese New Year period. I was just listening to Paramore and Green Day and I love their songs' lyrics.

I might have felt like that once upon a time. Maybe somewhere earlier in the year, I gave my heart and - all the pain and love it came with - to someone who preferred not to take notice. Maybe in Sec 4 I felt incredibly lonely. I had a few friends, but to them, I was a "last choice" - I was always reminded of that when I realised I didn't have anyone to ask out after the exams and stuff.

It was still like that a couple of times last year too; I remember the bouts of realisation that all my friends had other groups of friends they were closer to, and my devotion to them wasn't reciprocated.

But not anymore. These lyrics are really beautiful and I remember how it felt. To feel cheated of my faith and heart and hope. To feel like nobody cared.

But it isn't like that anymore. Light has been injected into my life, with the love of friends who truly care.

Four days - and passion for eternity

I'm trying my best not to spam this post with pictures. Derrick and Lianne have uploaded their Orientation photos, so...

I love Emme.

The OGLs' signal to Abi that our clan wants to do a reBUTtal. Previously we'd just call out to her and wave, but she wouldn't know what we were trying to tell her. She came up with the idea of pointing to our butts to call for rebuttals because it's an action people don't do often.

Check out their albums!

Derrick #1, Derrick #2, Lianne

Who's got the beat, I say Mzonka's got the beat

Morgen's walk-in dance during the Campfire - less rehearsed than when it was done on the first day of Orientation itself, but you see their moves much more clearly in this video as compared to the that of their actual walk-in (it's all on YouTube!). Watch from 3:46 onwards. Epic. Val's and Josh's part from 2:20-2:40 is awesome too.

Watch it all on Youtube!!! Search 'shawnleecl'. He recorded everything from the balcony of the hall. Including the intro videos. Awesome. Skyfired101 even recorded our mass rally and mass & couple dance session on the last day and AC Boleh and our fireworks clap. Gets my heart pumping just watching it.

AC DANCE!!! I love this. Awesome girls dancing in heels. They did a pirouette. In heels.

They're awesome. I miss being a part of it, but I know quitting was the right decision to make, looking at my commitment to Council.

It's when you look into my eyes

But a friendship that's been tainted by infatuation right from the start isn't really friendship, is it?


Had a 3G dinner with the 33rd, 34th and 35th Councils yesterday, after an entire afternoon of Abi cleaning up the Council room (it's so spacious and clean now) while WL, Alex, Justin and I "slept like rocks". The 33rds are awesome. Sameer is hilarious. Roi is hilarious. Weiliang did the Orientation couple dance with Alex (Sameer was screaming about needing therapy after watching it). I also found out that the PR head of the 8th Council was called Karen Fong - like me and my PR vice-head Rachel Fong! (and Adrian Pang was in PR!).

Pumped up and ready for Orientation again tomorrow. I think the mud hole's closed for good so we won't be able to dunk Lee and Ching Sheng, unfortunately, but there's still the myriad of funky wet awesome games that await us. Our walk-ins are on YouTube; this awesome guy called Shawn Lee recorded, like, the entire awesome thing. The 33rd Councillors were impressed. Some kids from other JCs expressed their envy. It was, in Sarah Pang's words, "si bei awesome sia".

This is AC.

"SMOCAP! We need to put the mud back into the mud hole!"

Orientation 2011 Day 2 photos by Derrick!

Watching videos of our walk-ins on Youtube gets my blood pumping with excitement again. It's awesome that they were recorded and put on Youtube. Oh the memories oh the hard work oh the mad enthusiasm.

Day Two was fantastic. Really had fun. I see my OG kids coming together now, and I'm loving all that's happening. Melvin kept refusing to do the mud game in the beginning and a few of the others were jokingly plotting a mud-dunk. We only managed to play two outdoor games - much less than the ideal number, because today's games were awesome and I really wanted them to have a shot at all of them - but we also had fun with the icebreaker games like H2O. We've finished learning the mass dance.

We've chosen our OG reps. When people weren't willing to step up, I gave them this motivational talk thingo. And I realised how much I meant everything I had said.

Back in Crescent, I really was a nobody - a socially awkward emokid who wished she were friends with certain people, but never knew how to get to know them better. A kid who, at times, stayed in the classroom during recess so she wouldn't have to sit alone in the canteen. And then by a miracle called Guin's Magic, I became the discipline head of Crescent Dance when it was unimaginable that I'd even be in the committee. At first I struggled badly, but being forced to step out of my comfort zone made me the discipline head I never imagined I'd become. Crescent Dancers from my batch tell me that at first everyone had serious doubts about my capability, but by the end of our term they couldn't imagine anyone doing a better job.

And in AC, I decided I'd no longer be that lonely girl with regrets. It'd be the last two years of being in a school with a school identity and uniform and all. I told myself that I would work to become the open girl that I wished I was. I'd have friends, great friends whom I'd love and trust. I'd make these two years legendary.

Orientation 2010 was awesome. While our group, Vetar, was electing an OG Rep, I thought I'd take a step forward - after all, this was the chance for me to open up and make friends. And then I realised I wasn't too bad at taking the lead - from the admin stuff like printing Vetar's contact details to fun stuff like celebrating birthdays at the bleachers.

And being the OG rep with Joey gave me the courage to step up to be the Class Rep. (And Joey took my place when I had to give up the position for Council.)

And being the Class Rep gave me the courage to try out for Council, which I'd never thought I'd ever be a part of.

And then I decided to go all the way - try out for the Exco. And now I'm the head of Public Relations.

How you begin a year is really important, cliche as is sounds. I'm so grateful for everything I was a part of. In the write-up for Mzonka in the Orientation Booklet, I wrote:

Here in d’ACland, be prepared to do things you’ve never thought possible of yourself. But for that to become true, you first have to dream. Stretch your imagination; don’t ever shy away from expectations. Each of us d’AClanders are encouraged and nurtured to reach for goals that seem somewhere far beyond that last rainbow– and then aim higher. We have high aspirations. In d’ACland, the sky’s the limit. Reach for it.

I wrote that with all my heart.

Miss Kwan and Hi This Is Andrew From ACJC

and high-waisted shorts and V-I-C-T-O-R-Y and five crashers and hearing the sentence "She's Karen and she's lost two iPods" ten times. And "She's Grace, daughter of two people".

This is Aster.

Grace, Lee (Seokhoon) and I went pretty wild today, and we had a good time.

Our walk-in was great. The videos Amy did look... too awesome. Unfortunately my camera died halfway through Mzonka's walk-in. It was great that when there were technical problems with Morgen's introductory video, a few OGLs decided to start a school cheer, got the message across to the OGLs on the balcony on the other side of the school hall, and got it done well. It's more than just a reflection of initiative - it's also about taking a problem and turning it around, looking at it as an open door for other opportunities. That's something I haven't been able to do well.

Our OG learnt the first half of the mass dance. Foot cramp. Mass rally was funfunfun.

I really feel like injecting pictures into this post because things like that are usually best told in images, but thanks to my missing camera charger and dead camera, the pictures only in Grace's camera. Thank goodness she brought one.

You know how teachers attach adjectives to batches of students and remember them for that specific trait? Like, a certain batch was very enthusiastic and spontaneous. Another batch was very caring - they looked out for each other like a real, comfortable family. And this other batch was very creative.

It's not like an entire batch of students happened to consist of people who had always been enthusiastic or caring or creative.

Because JC is only two years long, a new batch of students' only direct reference to AC's culture and standards is their direct seniors. There must be something that causes entire batches of students to have a distinct quality about them.

We, the seniors, are the only direct line of reference the juniors have with regard to AC's culture and awesome school spirit and the standards we proudly hold high.

We, the seniors, determine the future of ACJC.

Pre-Orientation

I look back at my posts of 2010’s Orientation and the rush of excitement hits me just like it did a year ago. I remember how on the first day when we had to introduce ourselves with an alliteration, Kester had stolen my adjective when he said “Kind Kester” so in desperation I said “…Kinky Karen?”

Oh the days. Hardcore cheering at the bleachers with Mass Rally – I remember Jayme and myself going crazy. Laughing at Tim. Learning the mass dance. Getting all excited about AC Dance when I realized Zayana was a part of it. Guitar Hero at Ching Sheng’s place (and laughing at Tim trying to sing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence). Playing the Husband and Wife game (aka H2O) that we all loved. Sheena’s “Hi Kester, you’re damn buff.”

I remember it, I loved every bit of it. Maddie said she had never seen me so happy in my blog entries. It gave me passion. I loved cheering. I used the Victory cheer in one of my Council campaigning posters – I didn’t realize hardly anyone got it until I saw the poster again two months ago and a fellow 35^th went “Oh, so that’s what it was. I thought it was a random phrase.”

I was talking to Andrew (Fok) at the lobby after our OGL meeting today, and he told me about how he was handling the appeal cases. Mrs Chan said there were almost 300 people appealing today, and it hurts to know that although there’ll be many more in the next few days, very, very, very few will make it in.

Andrew talked about how it was awesome that once he said ‘Hi, I’m Andrew calling from ACJC-’, shouts or screams or ‘Ohmygosh’s would be heard on the other line.

It’s beautiful to think about, but it also hurts to know that hundreds of others who came all the way here to appeal for our school’s acceptance didn’t get it. And it hurts further to know that not everyone who made it into AC treasures the spot they've been given, because those who don't are taking the space of one more person who had been wishing for that spot so badly.

But things will work out eventually. ACJC wasn’t a JC I thought I’d happily associate myself with – until Orientation came. I loved every bit of it, and I began to love the school. I know a lot of other ACSians who weren’t ecstatic about being posted to ACJC at first, but who came to love the school – enough to sacrifice time and effort to become OGLs, to spread the love for AC to the juniors.

And like our very dear, very-very-much-loved Mrs Chan, I pray for those whose hopes of coming to AC haven’t been realized – that wherever they end up, they’ll call it home in time to come, too.

Get ready for d’ACland, guys. It’s a ride that’ll blow your minds.

You make me want to cry

like two beautifully broken lovers who are attracted by that fragility, that glass-like beauty, who then spiral into madness together when the beautiful mysterious magical depression that attracted them gets out of control. Oh the power of words.

Literature can be beautiful, beautifully depressing, but beautiful. It draws two writers together, captivated by each other's ability to touch the heart, and that's the start of their best works - and madness.

I'll probably end up like one of those women who've been pushed into madness, like Antoinette, beautifully broken Antoinette, but I'd still fall in love with a writer anytime. A writer whose works send my heart wrenching.

I wish I loved you. Everything about you makes me wish

I loved you.

I AM A HAPPY KID

HI GUYS THE PLANNER IS OUT!!!! IT LOOKS AWESOME. I AM SO HAPPY.

Awesomely PRoud of the PlanneR! Okay guys it's four dollars, SALES START TOMORROW!

Must-Visit Place #1: Pompeii

(#2: Venice)

Sarah and I didn't manage to go for the Pompeii exhibition at National Museum of Singapore because they stopped taking in people at around 5pm. WTH!!! Can't believe it's been going on since Oct 16 and I never knew about it. I only realised it was going on yesterday when I saw the advertisement on a darn bus. I need to watch TV more often.

So the distraught us decided to try for another random exhibition instead - something about Sumatra - but that was closed too, so we walked around Dhoby Gauht looking for random art museums. Found one at Stamford House - I can't believe I've never seen the building before, by the way, it's so huge and so beautiful looking -

but the building was CLOSED. We couldn't believe it. So we were, like, "okay whatever let's just go to Substation."

And they were having some funky looking gig event thing there, with punky guys in studded leather vests and shades at the door. And we were like okay let's just go to the Peranakan Museum. Which actually turned out to be really interesting. Wish I had more time to spend in it.

Maybe next time. Was really glad to be able to spend some time with Sarah though, because I haven't seen her in a really long time.

Anyway, because I was so disappointed about missing the Pompeii exhibition, I went on Google and found some amazing images.

I love the first image. I mean, you can't see his expression, but his body language strikes so much emotion already. These were ordinary people and how they were in the last moment of their lives, when the volcano struck in 79AD. It's just...so amazing. The emotion it screams.

This was life 1932 years ago, but human emotions transcend time.

Pompeii.

I've been alone with you inside my mind

you put away your guitar and you're beside me

inches, inches away -

all I have to do is lift my head - and -

Hello, I've officially known you for thirty days!

Hello bald guy, bet you're surprised. Thanks to you, I NOW HAVE NEW SHOES!!! HAPPY TTM

So four days ago, we spent five hours in town - grossly overcooked half-boiled eggs plus studying at the Esplanade Library, which I've never been to before. (I was at Unit 5 of the Vocab book and thought I was finishing soon - and then I realised the book didn't have 6 units, it had 15.)

And then at the rooftop garden - which I've also never known about - the Malaysian dude proceeded to point to random arbitrary buildings and enlighten Karen the Ignorant Singaporean about Singapore's future developmental projects and cultural sites. I learnt that Punggol Park exists. Oh and the floating platform is grassy.

AND I HAVE NEW SHOES! (If you hadn't pointed them out to me and I hadn't seen them, I probably would've settled for a pair I didn't really like.)

Enriching, enrichment club president. Now for the next enriching project - INCEPTION MUTS.

Anyway, thanks, dude, for accompanying me (through texts and meet-ups) these past...thirty days. It means a lot to someone like me who isn't all that good at making friends and has a tendency to feel lonely or neglected - or like a 'last option', and hence treasures friends who make her feel appreciated - and who do so sincerely. (Shout-out to WL, Reu and the rest!!! <3)

We've still got a long way to go. Watch out for my new shoes tomorrow.

I'm better off without you more than I know

She's got it all, really - the Volvo, the condo, the face of an angel. Innocence. The guys love her. She could have anything she wanted, really - or all but one. Deep down, she's emotionally needy, but she turns the guys down week after week. She could get any of the guys in the school easily, really, but she knows that it won't work out in the end... because there's just one guy she can't seem to push out of her mind.

No, he doesn't like her, and he's made it clear, with a polite apology on his part and clandestine weeping on hers. Maybe once he was caught up in the flattering attention she gave him, but things just faded away after a while. She really should forget him. It'd make everything better. Moving on would set her heart free, and it'd open herself up to all the other beautiful opportunities. She needs to get him out of her mind.

Why? Why him, of all people, and what was wrong with herself that made it impossible to touch his heart? What was that little thing about him that made it impossible for her to let go?

Months later - a little scribble on the wall: "The day I thought I'd never get through - I got over you." And suddenly she felt much better. No more shackles, no more being bound to someone who'd never give her a second glance.

But then she realised that when her heart didn't have anything to be attached to, it started clinging on to anyone it could find. Following random people like a puppy desperate for a home. But she knew the difference between what she was feeling for the other guys and what she had felt for him.

And then one day she saw him speak at the podium, addressing the cohort. And she remembered the him she couldn't seem to forget once upon a time. She remembered why. His charm, his overwhelming boyish charm, it flowed out of his eyes and into her heart once again.

She realised - she could have all the flings in the world, but she knew that he was the only guy she had actually liked, ever.

Damn that heart.

Flirting is bad when it's not just done in good fun and you both know it means nothing. It's bad when you do it with the motive of toying with someone's heart.

It's bad to have charm, too. Charm plays with the heart too, but deceptively. It's in the eyes. The eyes capture your heart. Charm deceives - often, you don't know it's charm that's got you. Charm is powerful. It's powerful, enchanting, attractive magic hidden behind a mask of sincerity.

Why, why, she asks herself. He's still got that unbreakable, invisible chain over her, but he'll never realise it, while she continues to bleed inside. She needs to break free. Yet she glances at him again - and the charm washes over her like a tide.

-

"They're used to having guys liking them a lot. That's the most unattractive thing about a beautiful - about a pretty girl."

When you've pissed off a crowd of 950

- you need to thicken your skin, learn from it, move along and believe in the best of forgiveness and forgetfulness and the ability to change people's minds. There's no point in beating yourself up over it. Just accept it and learn from it.

There's one good thing I've learnt from my guy friends. A lot of girls take things very hard on themselves, like me.

The end. Suck it in and move along. I take the blame.

Someone said my complexity makes me beautiful.

Sometimes when deep down, you're very needy of something, and someone comes along and happens to give you what you need - unknowingly, maybe - you can't help but cling on to it in desperation. And then you cling on to the person. And if you aren't careful, the clinging becomes more emotionally involved than you'd ever intended.

My feelings have been in a colourful violent whirly mess these few days, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm thinking I'm pretty screwed up inside where it counts. I don't have the energy to decipher my feelings, and I don't want to. I don't want to know and I don't want to care.

Just don't.

I don't really like the feeling of liking someone. I like being able to be completely comfortable with a friend and be genuine, open and truthful for the sake of nothing more than a great friendship. It's a little weird that the two or three people I'm closest to in Council (in the sense that we htht the most) happen to be guys - I usually stick to girls more - but I love the feeling of being able to develop a genuine, deep friendship without worrying at all about any emotional lines blurring with them somehow.

Like Reu, WL, what would I do without you two.

I was thinking about it today - we all have these little flings with love, and sometimes with these little bouts of infatuation, everything seems really intense, but then you realise you two actually don't know each other all that well, or haven't been around for each other enough to develop that strong mutual understanding of close friends, almost telepathic.

We've seen one another through our most unglam moments.

Remember: All I see is the red floor of the track - a blurry image thanks to sweat mixed with tears; my hair's in a mess and my arms are shaking, there's the occasional painful whimper, and all I hear is a mess of shouts - of tenacity and of encouragement, and of scolding above us. Justin's in his white specs, also drenched with sweat, occasionally shouting out cries of endurance; despite all his own pain, he reaches out to support me. Allowing me to rest my shin on his calf in an attempt to hold me up. Our legs are too slippery with sweat for it to do any good; it's useless, and I'm only causing a greater burden on him - but he struggles to hang on just as I do, and I know we're in it together.

Another time, I ask for permission to hold WL up. He's crumbling; I'm in the crunches position, trying to hold him up with my shins. It isn't easy, but I know that if I do a little more, he can push himself a little less. Little frequent cries - everyone's on the verge of breaking, but if we can do a little more for the sake of someone else and not ourselves, we'll survive. Hang in there, we shout, just a bit more to go.

They've seen me stand before them, drenched in sweat, hair in a mess, wiping away tears.

These people - we've been there as one during tough, tough times, both physically and emotionally. We've been there to tell one another to stay strong. We've shown one another such genuine love and care. We're willing to do a little more to make them happy. We're so comfortable around each other, knowing the rest in the group love us as much as we do. We've developed such a strong mutual understanding - irreplaceable.

Sweet, sweet friends, who I rant to all the time but are still always there to give me the love I need, just because. How I, the annoying once-perpetually heartbroken victim of non-reciprocal feelings, kept ranting to WL about the same thing for months because of how much it affected me, and how one day he gave me the link to Heart Vacancy by The Wanted.

With friends like that... without knowing it, I've gotten more love than I could ever ask for. Stupid me, I once kept clinging onto someone who didn't see all that pain, while those around me who did kept trying to make me see that they would always be there for me, lovingly, unreservedly.

Irreplaceable. And with these friendships, I'm reminded of how small infatuation seems, although the heart-warmth can seem like a dizzyingly, overpoweringly big thing. The love of friends like that transcends all.

First day of school and I already feel drained

Hello members of ACJC, present & future (& even past),

the college planner is going to be AWESOME. Like, seriously.

Rules aren't included. Enough said.

$4 - half the price we proposed.

Okay. Wait for it. It's gonna take a few weeks, hopefully it'll come out soon. Hopefully we can finalise everything and get it all approved tomorrow.

Probably one of my longest hiatuses ever

- 5 days. I am so sorry.

It's been pretty hectic - College planner stuff (ARGH IT'LL BE DELAYED PRETTY BADLY, everyone please still promise to buy it), stuff for that admin job (I've finished it but haven't gotten paid!!!), OGL Camp and other orientation matters. I love Council. Oh and I've barely touched homework. Is ELL homework compulsory? What is it again?

I really want to post, I have mental posts about little regrets and AC Cheering and a small new-found interest - DBSK - waiting to jump out on this page, but I can't. Busy busy busy I love Council I dread schoolwork.

Sorry ):

In the meanwhile.......

just spend a minute admiring the pretty pictures. And make a strong mental note in bold block letters to buy the college planner when it comes out in a few weeks' time (hopefully, zomg).

I hope the senior in the Semester One photo doesn't mind me using her picture D: gotta blame Photog Soc for taking such a beautiful picture. Orientation is the love.

2011 was a day of dreams

Had a sleepover with my best friends in primary school, Rachel and Teressa, after four years. And just like old times, we played Dead or Alive on the Xbox.

After the countdown, while we were watching some Korean music awards ceremony on the big screen, Rachel pointed out to us that the girl on stage was our age. Imagine being seventeen and receiving a prize on an awards show that's being shown all over Asia; imagine being seventeen and singing to a crowd of thousands.

We talked about dreams. Teressa's talent lies in drawing. My passion lies in writing. It's quite a sad passion - it's quiet, lonely, there's none of that glitzy glamour and all the fun only goes on in your head while you're actually alone in a room, trying to evoke emotions. Unfortunately for me, it's what I have a passion for - I can't abandon it.

I believe that a passion or talent is a gift from God, or fate. And with a gift like this, it's only right to use your gift to give. Use it to speak into others' lives; contribute to the beauty of the world. Not doing so is taking what you've been given and hiding it in a hole, keeping it to yourself.

We were given our specific talents and passions for a reason. The world is huge; you're just one person. Individual success is nothing - your achievements and success matter only to yourself if you don't use your blessings to bless others.

What's the use of being a scholar, with all that knowledge inside you, if you don't share your knowledge or come up with something new to better the lives of other people?

Service that day was about dreams too, how apt. I realised my stated aspiration was pretty vague. I want to write. Write what? I don't know - I just want to write.

I'm starting to think that isn't true. I don't want to write about factual things. Preferably not about news. I want to write in a way that I'm able to touch people. I want people to feel like they can relate to my life. I want them to feel like I'm their friend, to realise we're similar in some way or other. I want to help people in a personal way.

When I read, I feel like I'm being taken to a different world. I want to be able to do that to others - before making them realise that my world and theirs aren't that different. That I've been through what they're going through, and I understand. It might help when you see that everything you're feeling intensely, personally, is on print right in front of you - someone else knows how you're feeling right now; she's written about it. And then you feel less of an alien. You aren't alone in your world of intense emotions.

We go through different experiences, but feelings are universal.

Love. Hurt. Brokenness. Joy. We've all felt it.

It's all the same really.

I ended my first day of the first year of a new decade with page one of the daily devotions book 7yee gave me. Coincidentally enough, it was about dreams, too.

Abram was told by God that he would have descendants as numerous as the stars - uncountable. He waited, what, twenty-five years for his child, Isaac, and by then he was a hundred years old.

Have faith. Have faith in your dream, have faith in what you feel you're destined to do - but don't forget the original reason behind that dream. In thirty years' time, if I'm writing without the eventual goal of drawing people to my experiences to help them, then I'd have lost the original reason behind my dream to write.

Matthew 11:1

Faith assures us of the things we expect and convinces us of the things we cannot see.