Sometimes when deep down, you're very needy of something, and someone comes along and happens to give you what you need - unknowingly, maybe - you can't help but cling on to it in desperation. And then you cling on to the person. And if you aren't careful, the clinging becomes more emotionally involved than you'd ever intended.
My feelings have been in a colourful violent whirly mess these few days, but I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm thinking I'm pretty screwed up inside where it counts. I don't have the energy to decipher my feelings, and I don't want to. I don't want to know and I don't want to care.
Just don't.
I don't really like the feeling of liking someone. I like being able to be completely comfortable with a friend and be genuine, open and truthful for the sake of nothing more than a great friendship. It's a little weird that the two or three people I'm closest to in Council (in the sense that we htht the most) happen to be guys - I usually stick to girls more - but I love the feeling of being able to develop a genuine, deep friendship without worrying at all about any emotional lines blurring with them somehow.
Like Reu, WL, what would I do without you two.
I was thinking about it today - we all have these little flings with love, and sometimes with these little bouts of infatuation, everything seems really intense, but then you realise you two actually don't know each other all that well, or haven't been around for each other enough to develop that strong mutual understanding of close friends, almost telepathic.
We've seen one another through our most unglam moments.
Remember: All I see is the red floor of the track - a blurry image thanks to sweat mixed with tears; my hair's in a mess and my arms are shaking, there's the occasional painful whimper, and all I hear is a mess of shouts - of tenacity and of encouragement, and of scolding above us. Justin's in his white specs, also drenched with sweat, occasionally shouting out cries of endurance; despite all his own pain, he reaches out to support me. Allowing me to rest my shin on his calf in an attempt to hold me up. Our legs are too slippery with sweat for it to do any good; it's useless, and I'm only causing a greater burden on him - but he struggles to hang on just as I do, and I know we're in it together.
Another time, I ask for permission to hold WL up. He's crumbling; I'm in the crunches position, trying to hold him up with my shins. It isn't easy, but I know that if I do a little more, he can push himself a little less. Little frequent cries - everyone's on the verge of breaking, but if we can do a little more for the sake of someone else and not ourselves, we'll survive. Hang in there, we shout, just a bit more to go.
They've seen me stand before them, drenched in sweat, hair in a mess, wiping away tears.
These people - we've been there as one during tough, tough times, both physically and emotionally. We've been there to tell one another to stay strong. We've shown one another such genuine love and care. We're willing to do a little more to make them happy. We're so comfortable around each other, knowing the rest in the group love us as much as we do. We've developed such a strong mutual understanding - irreplaceable.
Sweet, sweet friends, who I rant to all the time but are still always there to give me the love I need, just because. How I, the annoying once-perpetually heartbroken victim of non-reciprocal feelings, kept ranting to WL about the same thing for months because of how much it affected me, and how one day he gave me the link to Heart Vacancy by The Wanted.
With friends like that... without knowing it, I've gotten more love than I could ever ask for. Stupid me, I once kept clinging onto someone who didn't see all that pain, while those around me who did kept trying to make me see that they would always be there for me, lovingly, unreservedly.
Irreplaceable. And with these friendships, I'm reminded of how small infatuation seems, although the heart-warmth can seem like a dizzyingly, overpoweringly big thing. The love of friends like that transcends all.
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