Jan 28, 2009

Happy Niu Year

Maddie counting her (financial) blessings

Then Jan Mad Jt and I all went to my house to crap around.

Then we went to East Coast Park at 9pm (haha). I couldn't believe my parents actually allowed it. (They came along too of course. My curfew, on the rare occasions that I get to go out, is usually 9pm, lol!)
Jan took this, nice pic :D

We love the cool camera effects of the lights at night. 

My brother and I have this weird 3-D effect thing, cool huh? Like as if we were cut out and pasted onto the pic!

Jan 25, 2009



Did you guys even realise I created a Band for us haha. I created it long ago k, and IIIIIIII am the one who brought the Fame level up from 0 to 410! Not easy one k! I used up all my money buying instruments for myself, Jt and Jan. Somemore I didn't buy the cheapo ones! I bought slightly better ones! (Couldn't buy the really good ones because I've no money) I can't even buy an instrument for Maddie now because I've used up all my Energy doing CHORES for other people to earn money to buy instruments for Jt and Jan so I've no money for Maddie already aiyoh.

You guys, CHIP IN!! XP Buy yourselves better instruments if you can, my instrument's the Loudhailer (I'm a Singer).
AND, help me by battling bands to earn more fame also! Note: Don't battle Willies band, 13 Abused Kitties, and ESPECIALLY not Saunders' band. Don't battle anyone who has members with high levels or the bands with more fame than ours cos we'll lose and we'll lose fame!


Hello everyone

I've got no reuinion dinner today because my grandmother is attending some wedding dinner. o.o

Who else is free this evening? SMS me! :D :D :D

Saturday - Shopping (:
Jt Mad and I met at Far East at 1.45, then we walked around and around and around. We ate shaved milk ice thingy, super nice.

All I bought was a very cute hairclip with a small hat on it (so when I wear it it looks like I've got a small hat on my head) (Will take pictures another time) and a really nice rocking horse necklace.

Met Jason and Xueling laoshi at Wheelock Place to talk about the "traumatic incident". Learnt a bit, felt a bit better, thanks laoshi and Jason (:

Then went to meet my mum while the rest went for service (I'm not allowed to go for service), and had the BEST SHOPPING TRIP EVER!
Usually when I go out I don't even manage to buy anything and I feel so irritated in the end because I feel like I'd wasted my time, but this time I BOUGHT A LOT! :D :D
Well okay it's not a lot, but it's a lot for ME because it's like, normal for me to walk around for 6 hours and buy, like, only one item. o.o Yeah I suck haha.

1. Black leggings - f21 ($28)
2. White shorts - f21 ($33)
3. THIS ULTRA SUPER MEGA CUTE tank top - Pull & Bear ($30)
4. That layered-tones pink skirt (the one a lot of people wear with tanks) ($20)
5. Purple tee and black weird vest thing like the one in Mphosis - Zara ($50)
6. White tank - Topshop ($16)
7. That hat thing (from Far East) ($6)
8. Rocking horse necklace (from Far East) ($15)
9. Undergarments + safety shorts so my mum won't kill me for wearing skirts

I feel ultra mega satisfied. My mum said she won't be giving me an ang pow this year, but oh who cares, I BOUGHT MORE CLOTHES TODAY THAN I USUALLY BUY IN A YEAR MAN! :D
(I know I'm deprived. But I'm happy k)

Jan 24, 2009

Friday - my first Zone Meeting

left me shaking with trauma.

All Christians reading this post, please comment on it, please help me.. you can tag or msn or email or call or sms me, I just need help.

Ok, after school I was supposed to go to Bugis with Jt and Jan but Jan was extremely late so Jt and I walked around Suntec. And at around 3 Maddie called us and told us that Xueling Laoshi actually put up a piece of homework for us on her blog - she put up two videos of acapella performances and we were suppsoed to work on the parts and work everything out today - so Jt and I panicked and went back to OB to watch the vids and practice. Then Laoshi called and said aiyah since it was so last minute then nevermind lah, we'll meet at plaza sing today! So Jt and I waited for Mad to come to OB and we went to Plaza Sing together o.o

Xueling laoshi treated us to Mac's and she bought Jt a shaker and bought us this Kelly Clarkson's lyrics book and I'm supposed to write a three-part harmony for us to sing on Breakaway. Then we went to Riverwalk (at Clarke Quay).

The service was... traumatizing. That's the only word I can use to fully describe it. I think I'll be using this word a lot in this post.

Firstly, everytime they start praying in Tongues I feel freaked out. I get used to it the second or third time in the day, but the first time always makes me very irritated and confused etc. After that I couldn't really concentrate on praising.

Ming Jing (the zone leader) taught about the remaining 5 Commandments, that part was good. Taught me a lot. I didn't expect the Commandments to mean all that. Like "Do not commit murder", that includes hatred towards your "neighbours" as well, because hatred is what causes murder, or wars, and we shouldn't bear grudges against our "neighbours". And like "Do not steal", I also used to take that in a very literal way, but that can include stealing even against God, with your offerings and ties. Like if you promise to do something for God and then forget about it, you break a promise and in that way you're stealing from God. Am I making sense?

Then the rest of the time was for prayer. They spent 10 minutes praying in the Spirit; I spent 10 minutes listening to them and making myself believe this place wasn't going crazy, and whispering my own prayer. Then there was more singing.. and then Ming Jing asked for people to come to the front. Actually I wasn't planning on going to the front but I somehow became one of them. And then I saw Ming Jing place his hands on people and pray in tongues, and they all fell to the ground unconscious, one by one, like.. dead flies. (I can't think of a better expression)

And when he came to me, I started to panic. I wanted to tell him to go away but somehow I couldn't speak. And he placed his hands on my head and prayed for me in tongues. I was, like, trembling in fear, didn't know what to expect. And then when he lifted his hands from my head, I didn't fall. Somehow I think I didn't really expect to either; I was so afraid. And then I watched him move on to someone else, who also fell as soon as he lifted his hands from her head. And I was left alone.

I always expect to feel warm and protected when I feel God, but now I just felt all alone, alone in this crazy hall. Everyone was singing and shouting and speaking in Tongues and I was crying with my hands to my face instead of raised. I was too embarrassed to raise my hands. I realised I wasn't worthy to be a Christian. I was so ashamed of being here. I just cried, I wanted Xiao Xuan or Janice or Jt or Maddie to hug me but they were all in their own world, it'd be wrong of me to disturb them. And I prayed stuff I'd never have dared to. God, you're with everyone here but you're not with me, have you forgotten me? Where are you? Everyone here feels you, but I just feel lonely. I wish I hadn't come, I wish I was at home watching TV or something now. This feels so horrible. How can this be good? How can this be God?

He did this praying thing for people a number of times, and everytime I heard loud footsteps, or someone talking loudly, I'd panic. At one point of time I was so scared that I even prayed that he wouldn't come to me.

I saw Janice fall.

I told myself not to open my eyes anymore, but I kept opening my eyes out of curiosity just to see what was happening around me. And I'd just open my eyes a damn little but not even raise my head, and all I'd see would be people lying down with their toes pointing towards the ceiling, and I'd start trembling again. The person in front of me fell and I let out sort of a mix between a cry and a shriek.

Then someone came to me and placed his hands on me and I panicked, but it was Jason. Jason prayed for me, not in tongues but in English so I could understand, and I felt a bit relieved. Jason has this thing about him.. I can sense God's love and warmth through him. Maybe it's just him, but whatever it was, it calmed me down, it helped me feel protected and loved. He didn't pray loudly, he whispered, talked softly, so that only God and I could hear. His voice was very reassuring, full of God's love. And once again I believed that God comes to me through people instead of directly, because I can't really relate to something intangible like God.

I kept crying and saying "Jason, I'm so scared" but I don't think he heard me, just continued to pray for me.
And then he moved on to pray for another sister. I wanted him to come back.

When Ming Jing asked those who needed praying for to come in front, I was so terrified of what he would do, I held back, but Janice pulled me there and told me everything'd be okay. So I was pushed in front.
He placed his hands on my head and prayed again, and he left me standing there crying because I knew that His miracle had not worked on me, because I felt He had left me out of His great plan. And then he moved on to the person beside me, and the next person, and they all fell one by one.

And then Xiao Xuan gave me what I needed most - Jt pulled me to the side and Xiao Xuan gave me a great big hug. And she kept telling me not to worry, not to cry, that everything was okay, then she prayed for me a lot, and kept stopping halfway to check if I was okay or not.
I didn't know what to do, and i told her I felt very traumatised. She told me it was okay, it was my first time at this kind of thing anyway, it was normal to feel like that. But I didn't know how to explain it. Everyone was concentrating on God, everyone was so high in worship and I was here crying, not knowing what was going on. It was like as if He was speaking to everyone but ignoring me.

I saw Jason fall.

And then I turned back to Xiao Xuan and willed myself never to look at the other people again. I was too afraid of what I would see.

Later Janice and Jt hugged me and I felt a little relieved in a way. But I was still sort of in a state of shock. I don't know if I can ever face this again. I think I'd go mental.

I still don't know if I'd actually ever be able to fully enjoy a single CHC service/event/cell group meeting. I cry every single time we have a CHC event. Every single time. Every time I attend a CHC event I feel very confused, this confusion and anger builds up with every meeting I attend. One day I probably wouldn't be able to take it anymore.
I feel like as if God's casting me away. I don't know what to do.

Jan 22, 2009




Part 1
1. Starting
2. Qi Shi
3. Ping Gu

Part 2
1. Da Tou
2. Qi Shi
3. Ping Gu
4. Run (until Amanda raises her hand)
5. Qi Shi
6. Ping Gu
7. Qi Bu

Part 3
1. Qi Shi
2. Ping Gu
3. Xiao Qian

Part 4
1. Qi Shi
2. Ping Gu
3. Shou Gu (6-step)

(The Gao Qiao one)

Part 1
1. Starting (minus the first two piak-piaks)
2. Qi Shi
3. Ping Gu
4. Ending (triplet)

Part 2
1. Xing Li (3 times)
2. Those extra two beats (Amanda plays three but we only hit the last two, we don't hit when she hits the sides)
3. Two piak-piaks X 2 (when the Da Tous and Lions take their head thingies out) (not important in your notes because we're not playing during that time)

Part 3
1. Starting (minus the first two piak-piaks)
2. Qi Shi
3. Shou Gu (triplet) minus the [1-123 *pause*] X 3 thing

Points to take note of
1. Da Tou is FOUR TIMES, after that don't hit! It's supposed to be a pause! Remember the pause! You know, it's when I always shout "DON'T HIT!" but there are always people hitting anyway. So, don't hit during the pause, it's supposed to be a clean silence. If you dont' know how to count the fours, just count the number of times you play the fast 1-2-3s. After you play it the 4th time, immediately pause. Joycelyn, you keep making this mistake! Jiayou!


3. Qi Bu: You guys know when to start counting the seven right? The beat changes. She goes louder and louder too. If you don't know how to start counting, PLEASE LOOK FOR ME TOMORROW! Also, remember after the 7, it's 1-2--1-2 *pause* 1--1-2-3! (One dash means short, two dashes mean long. Ok if you guys don't get it look for me tomorrow) Some of you guys still beat during the pause. There's a pause ok! (I used to hit during the pauses too but I managed to change my habit this year already!)

4. Xiao Qian: When Amanda raises her hand really high, REMEMBER TO PAUSE! Don't keep hitting. Again, BE ALERT! KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON HER HAND!

5. The first part of the Shou Gu (6-step): Remember, you hit when Amanda hits. When she places the stick lying down, you PAUSEEEEEEE! NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!!!!! Amanda usually bends down and outstretches one hand (so that she can put the stick lying down). So when you see she's getting ready to go to that part already, common sense will tell you to get ready for it too right?! Keep your eyes on her! ONCE again, BE ALERT! KEEP YOUR EYES FIXED ON HER HAND!

6. Shou Gu (triplet): Jocelyn (the sec 4 one), remember that it's only three sets of three! Don't hit during the pause! You always hit during the pause. Jiayou (:

Don't forget what I kept repeating during this post:
Remember everything I posted here ok? Because I'm spending a lot of time and effort on this post and my mum's killing me for being on the computer so late. AND YOU GUYS'D BETTER MEMORIZE THE SEQUENCE AH! DON'T DON'T DON'T FORGET!!
Enjoy yourselves tomorrow! (But don't enjoy yourself so much that you forget everything)
And if you have any doubts, look for me tomorrow when we're doing makeup okay! Or if you have this bugging question you're afraid you'll forget by that time, SMS me at 81586551.


P.S. You guys must thank me when y'all see me tomorrow k. I'm the sweetest senior/dancemate ever, admit it. :D
It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light,
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

Jan 21, 2009

Truthfully speaking,

I'd like to audition for Crezawards but I don't know what song to sing.
I mean it's my last year in Crescent and yah.


After Dance I went to OB to meet Jt Jan and Mad to practice and show Laoshi our two-song medley.

And.... she said it was horrible D: She asked us not to sing Sha Tan but we wanted to sing Sha Tan and there wasn't any better song so we were like )):

We saw Bryan! Our friend from the Vocal (Beginners') class last time. HE'S IN ADVANCED CLASS ALREADY! And we're still stuck in.. what, intermediate? I don't even think we're in intermediate yet. Wait we're paying for the lessons, but she said she'll see how because we keep using class time to prepare for some performance, or some audition then we don't learn the syllabus stuff in the end.

THEN WE SAW WU JIAMING LAOSHIIIIIIIIII! So we asked him for his opinion on our audition medley.
Wujia laoshi said it wasn't horrible, but the problem with it was that for Sha Tan Jt, Mad and I were doing the "oooohhhh" in the background while Jan sang, and Mad and Jt were a bit unstable/weak in the harmony area and for harmony, if something is slightly off, or if there's a very slight mistake, it'd sound very bad already. So we need to work more on being stronger in our harmony.

Took a picture with wujia laoshi! We used the mirror in his classroom. I told him to look at the reflection of my camera in the mirror and he was like "har! Like that also can one ah!" Then after we took he asked to look at the picture then he went "Eee! So weird!" XD 
J4M, JIAYOU FOR THE AUDITION TODAY! We must be stronger in our vocals ok?

(Mad, don't kill me)
I don't know why she took this. She just suddenly took my camera and took this weird picture of herself. And then she looked at me. And then I looked at her. And then we stood there giving each other the "wth?!" expression. And then the both of us started laughing. 
Mad what were you thinking!!

Jan 19, 2009

Sunday - CG!!!! + J4M audition practice


Actually my parents weren't really happy about it. I asked them about it and they said "We'll see", but then the subject wasn't brought up again until Sat evening and actually my parents didn't really want me to go but they had to let me go cos it was so last minute already. So they were scolding me for being irresponsible, etc.

Rushed there after Piano. I think I'm going to be late for every CGM unless I cab o.o

On the MRT I started to get really nervous. Didn't know what to expect. When a group of people speak in tongues it always freaks me out. Especially when I'm the only one who doesn't know what's going on. And I knew that was going to happen later so I was like, kinda scared about what'd happen.

So I caused all of us to be late, sorry everyone! Took a bus to Daniel's house.

Sang some songs.. then everyone started... yeah doing it. And I was really freaked, more freaked out than I expected to be. I mean I expected to have gotten used to it by now. But this is different from being in a big church; this is like, a small group the size of my class (Apparently there are 28 people) gathered in a house. So I was like ._.

Then we had preaching. Jason talked about the first 5 commandments. (: Veh funny lah he. Cos the first commandment is "You shall have no other gods before me" then he was like "You know what the husband's version is? 'I shall have no other girls before you!'"

I must learn to honour my parents more.

Then later we started singing again and Jason came around to pray for all of us, and when he came to Maddie (who was beside me) to pray for her I started crying, and I felt this numb dull pain in my temples. Then when he came to me, I cried quite hard, I couldn't sing. He prayed for stuff that surprised me, because they were things I wanted to pray for really badly but didn't know how to. He prayed that my mother would understand me, that I would love and honour my mother (or parents I guess), and that I'd be able to come for all the CGs. And he prayed for something that struck me, something I realised was the thing that keeps bothering now, the reason I'm always confused and moody. And...
I can't remember what it was.
-.- Damn irritated k.
Then again, maybe I wasn't meant to remember it.

And then.... Mad Jt and I went to the hotel Jan was staying at to practice for our 2nd round of Fei Chang Ge Shou auditions! (Jan couldn't come for CG because her dad just came back to SG.)
We actually managed to be (quite) productive! :D Yayyy! Oh and we crapped a lot too.


Saturday - Sec 4 Nanhua + Crescent dancers' gathering

at Amelia's condo.

...If not for Regina I would've probably come up with some stupid excuse and left immediately after arriving.

Regina and I spent more than half an hour looking for poor Lingling, then it turned out Lingling had actually gone to the wrong condo. D:
Then we slacked at the playground and took stupid pictures.
Then Regina, Sharon, Jouteng and I went to pick Winnie up but we all didn't feel like going back to the barbecue place, so we sat at some ulu corner and talked about very stupid stuff. Learnt a lot. Shared a lot too. I think that was the funnest part (or the only fun part) of the gathering.
Then we came back and helped the people who were barbecuing fan the stuff. I still don't understand why people do barbecues. Half-cooked food and a lot a lot a lot of effort, then we still have to pay quite a lot for the food. Like, might as well just do catering man. And anw, why do we have to eat?! Why must it be a barbecue? Why not a day at East Coast Park or something, then we all ride bikes/play ball/do stupid stuff at the beach, then we don't have to pay somemore!
Fanned a bit, was quite hard work, was rewarded with 2 bites of a sausage (which was all I deserved I guess, because I did very little).
Taught Shermin the cymbals sequence.

Xiuxian, I'm really sorry. I'm just really fucked up lately. Confused and stressed luh. Really wasn't your fault. I was already in a very bad mood.

Sperm has the same tee as me! I wore this for Fei Chang Ge Shou audition haha.
 Sperm's sexy hair.
We are skinny people.
 I am unglam. 
(Btw, in the 2nd pic, those two things aren't my hands but my legs. Hahaha)
Joanne! JJFC FOREVER YO! (Too bad Luhong couldn't come)

Jan 16, 2009


Was super happy to see her! Wanted to talk to her and stuff, but didn't have the time.
I remember how scared we all were of her when she was Discipline Mistress hahaha. How we could be talking happily and then suddenly stop when we saw her, even if she was quite far away. But she was also damn patient and kind and nice and everything. When she was teaching us cymbals we kept getting it wrong but she was really patient and when we actually managed to get it right she was like clapping and squealing. XD
I admire her so much man. Like, she's a super fierce discipline mistress and the whole of Dance is scared of her, but she's also very nice and everything.

I MISS CASSANDRA! I wish I got to chat with her or something. But all I said was "HI CASSANDRA!" and then she said "Hi! You look like you're gonna die" (because I was climbing up the stairs)

Jodi Picoult!

Jan 14, 2009

I'm feeling super high now

... because Jessie and Millie made me laugh like mad during Lunch (about topics I'll get an SO for if I post here), and then Cui Xiao made me laugh even madder during Chinese. Apparently Cuixiao had a really bad stomachache and wanted to concentrate on something else, so she started talking a damn lot of hilarious crap hahaha.
Cuixiao should get stomachaches more often.

Went to Jurong Point and got myself this set of bangles I've wanted for a very very long time :D From Elephant@Basement (Yah like what kind of stupid name is that but whatever, I LIKE the bangles)
NOT an impulsive buy ok, although I really shouldn't have gotten it, because I only have, like, $3 left for Thurs's and Fri's allowance (Unless Annie Lim returns me my $20 soon). But whatever, I was afraid that by the time I had enough money it wouldn't be on sale anymore. It was on 40% discount man! So the price dropped from $20 to $12! And the sale has been going on for quite a long time already, I was afraid I'd miss it!
My mum doesn't like me buying bangles because she says "You've got so many set of bangles already, keep buying the same thing for what!" But they're NOT the same!! (Can't take pictures now because my camera's with my father or at the repair shop or something but I WILL take picts when I can)

OH, and since I'm feeling quite high now, I'll do something very ego and bu yao lian.
Like, since there are sales going on EVERYWHERE now (I waited for months for the Fiberwig mascara price to drop but it always stayed at $25 so I gave up and bought it at $25 in December then now I see it having a 20% discount WAH DAMN PISSED OKAY), and if anyone's thinking of buying birthday presents for everyone very early to SAVE MONEY and is thinking of buying mine too (My birthday's on May 18 btw ;D), I'll create a Wishlist so you guys will know what to get me :D HAHAHA. Go look out for the sales! Later you wait then the sales disappear then you have to buy stuff at original prices again. HAHAHA


1. THE ELECTRIC GUITAR BELT JT AND I GAVE MADDIE FOR CHRISTMAS HAHAHA. Or the PAC-MAN belt also ZOMG DAMN CUTE!!!! Both from Elephant@Basement. Shop can be found at Jurong Point 2 or Tanjong Pagar Xchange, and uh maybe other places too but those two are the only ones I know. 40% discount now, I think after discount price they're $17 or something uh. (Whoops Maddie you shouldn't have read that)

2. BANGLES BANGLES HAHAHA Okay I just got one set from Elephant@Basement but so what! No one can ever get enough of bangles :D And they can be found everywhere also!


4. NICE CAPS! Like those with huge bold outstanding words (but not in gold/hot pink/red/lime green/weird colours :/). Like JJ's cap that says "RICH" in very very outstanding bold caps, or the one I saw that said "SEXY" (HAHA BUT I DON'T WANT A CAP THAT SAYS SEXY HAHA). I especially love Jt's one that says "END THE WAR". I LOVE IT! Because... love's what I live for. I mean, not just Baby; I mean the stuff I love - Baby, j4m, music, JJ, and God (Or rather, I hope to add God into the list soon... I'm trying to grow in my relationship with Him.. I really am). And I think the people close to me would know that I hate hate itself, and I hate fake friendships or bias or basically anything that isn't love.. or pure love. Okay, I don't know how to say this. But basically.. I love Love, and I am strongly against Hate. (Well, I dislike people too. But I dislike people who "promote" or "cause" hate, in a way. Like people who do hate crimes, or bullies, or mothers who abuse their kids, people who have fake friendships/relationships so that their friends/bfs would buy them stuff, etc.)


6. Crosses :D

7. MUSIC STUFF! (Btw, if anyone can help me find a very small portable keyboard that can connect to the computer and that isn't that soft plastic roll-up one, show me how it looks like and tell me where to get it and how much it costs PLEASE PLEASE, I've been looking for one for AGES, I'd be eternally grateful)

8. CDs!!!!

...Okay lah, the stuff are all actually still quite ex for gifts I guess, despite the sales going on and everything. Haha but people can share. So like if something costs $15, get 30 people then each person only has to pay $0.50 HAHAHA

Okay I shall stop doing this. I'm so sorry. I've calmed down. I just realised how bu yao lian I was being. Omg I'm so sorry please ignore this post.


Jan 13, 2009


- (8) JTxiuwen; says (8:29 PM):
i have to go
kAiiZ                             thank you God. says (8:30 PM):
- (8) JTxiuwen;  (8:30 PM):
(to do bio hw)
kAiiZ                             thank you God. says (8:30 PM):
- (8) JTxiuwen; says (8:30 PM):
kAiiZ                             thank you God. says (8:30 PM):
- (8) JTxiuwen; four hundred and forty-one days of love 10-01-09        I GAINED FOUR KILOS says (8:30 PM):
     kAiiZ                             thank you God. says (8:30 PM):
whats that?
- (8) JTxiuwen; says (8:30 PM):
kAiiZ                             thank you God. says (8:30 PM):
i havent touched textbooks in...
3 months
yay me
i havent studied in


Threw up for the first time since primary school today.
There's no toilets on my block (Block F)? Not on my floor anyway. So I rushed up the bloody Routunda to the E block. Had no time to even go into the toilet cubicle, so I threw up in the sink, which was a bloody stupid mistake because I clogged the sink up and the stuff wouldn't go down. I puked my wanton mee lunch and the pills Azalea gave me and soup and HCl. Was damn disgusting. A few Sec 3s who were there offered to help me tell my teacher. V sweet (:
Sad because it happened just before the O's results were released and I wanted to go watch but couldn't.

Thank you Cuixiao, Chenting, Teryne, Chrisvencia, Huiqi, and especially Kelly and JENNA. 
Kelly comforted me and brought me my bottle and her packet of tissues, and Jenna stayed with me in the Sick Bay for a whole 1hr 15min while the O's results were being released. Love you guysssssss!

Congrats Binkai & Guin (both of them got 8 points!), Cynthia (7A1s and 1A2!!!!!), Willie, Saunders and Maddie! (although I don't know your results yet) And all my other Dance seniors too, I'm sure you guys did really well (cos Dancers are smart :D)

Was reading blogs and I feel super terrible now.




what's this? does anyone understand?

Tiffy tagged me

1. Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2.At the end, you will need to choose 10 people to be tagged & list down their names.
3.People who get tagged need to post 10 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state the rules clearly.

1) When I'm emo, I can sound happy/hyper on my blog posts. Like Japan for example. I think everyone'd agree that I had a great time there. Well the place was great, but I felt terrible the entire time, I missed Baby and J4m too much. I was nearly crying half the time too, including when I was blogging. (I would've let the tears fall if my mum wasn't there actually.)

2) When someone says something bad about someone, I always assume it's me. Probably because I always feel inferior to people. 

3) I used to cry to Guin a lot regarding Dance discipline matters.  

4) I've learnt how to swim 3 times. I still can't swim now. 

5) I'm hooked onto this Japanese doctor series called Code Blue / Doctor Heli (:

6) My mum says when I was a baby I hardly ever cried and when I did I'd stop very easily and I was damn well-behaved :D 

7) I used to be allergic to chocolates. And oranges and peas and red food colouring.

8) I want to further my studies in Japan cos it's such a nice place, but I need Jap classes (now).

9) To the only person I'm having a fight with: It's been  4 months. I wish we were friends. I miss you as a friend.

10) To the people who mean the most to me: Just to let you know, you do mean the most to me. Because I know our group doesn't mean as much to the rest of you.

I'm tagging everyone and noone, so whoever's bored can do it haha.  

Jan 11, 2009

I got 95/100 for my Gr. 5 Piano theory exam! :D :D

I don't know why, but I've been in this terrible mood for the past few days. Maybe it's just that I'm really really tired, not enough sleep and everything. Not even during the weekends, because of Sat's CCA day and my piano lessons on Sun. I need sleep. But I feel like doing something fun. But I feel too tired to do anything. I feel weird. I'm getting very irritable these days.

Rocked, that's all I can say, yay had a lot of fun. But I brought this can of glitter hairspray that cost like $7 that I'd never used before, and then the whole can got used up ): $7 is a lot to a broke person okay!
The dance was quite okay I think, but our salsa part was damn out of beat, super fast, so we were all like "huh". But anw, was fun (: Went to eat at Subway immediately after that, I regret not staying to watch. ): I'll come back again next year!

Sat's CCA DAY:
Sucked. Our Dance stall was damn empty nobody went there lor. And we thought we weren't going to perform anything so we didn't get any performance ready, then suddenly we were told that we were going to perform so we all panicked, and we danced Ketchup and Flush Toilet (Orientation 2005 or 2006 ah?) haha and most of the Sec 2s didn't know the Flush Toilet dance very well so it was damn screwed. Ketchup was also really screwed. Both dances were terrible lah basically.
I felt so .. ashamed of our CCA. And all the other performing groups were great, they came prepared and did a great job. We were like... I was too ashamed to go around and say I LOVE DANCE because we did so badly. I was damn ashamned and disappointed.
And then later during practice I got damn pissed. I was really really really really angry. I wanted to shout so badly but I couldn't. I just... got really angry at everyone, we were being so inefficient. Previous practs also. Well I know we can do better. We just need to pull ourselves together.

Cymbals people :JIA YOU!

For self reference (and to Chelsea and Regina and Valencia and Joycelyn):
1st section:
Qi Shi, Ping Gu, Da Tou
Qi Shi, Ping Gu, Pao, Qi Shi, Ping Gu, Qi Bu
Qi Shi, Ping Gu, Xiao Qian
Qi Shi, Ping Gu, Ending (:

...I think. Eudea/Amanda Yew, you don't read my blog but if you happen to, and if what I typed is wrong, please correct me!

Jan 9, 2009


Why why why why why is everyone saying I'm ah lian! D:

Okay lah, I always stamp my foot and whine "Jeh- seeeeeeeeeeee" to Jessie but that's because she called me ah lian, so that doesn't count! Why am I ah lian! Someone please tell me!


1) I can speak good English. I mean I normally don't, but I CAN when I want to! And my grammar not bad one okay! (Ignore the grammar errors in that sentence.) I mean I love Singlish but when I have to, I can speak proper English (I feel the urge to add a "LOR!" because I'm, like, arguing now and when I'm agitated I couldn't care less about making my sentences proper, please lah who shouts in completely proper English when they're very pissed? Even Jessie doesn't!) And and uh this is a pathetic point but I was one of the top twenty finalists in the Budding Writers contest in p5 okay! (The one that some Crescentian got 2nd place for. Yeah it was the first time I saw a Crescentian! :O) I mean I'm not saying my English is perfect but it's DEFINITELY FAR BETTER THAN AH LIANS' OKAY! Okay I'm stereotyping. URGH WHATEWER! (The second W was on purpose. I'm imitating Cuixiao)

2) I don't use hokkien vulgarities (much). I don't even understand most Hokkien vulgarities!!!!!! I mean I know cheebai and wah lao but I don't understand all the others. Well uh I was taught a few more today after I admitted that I didn't understand most Hokkien vulgarities. BUT I don't even use Hokkien vulgarities okay!

3) I can't speak Chinese for nuts. I try, I do, because I need to do better for my Oral. MY GOODNESS! When Zhuhaibin asked me about my opinions regarding the F1 race being held in Singapore I wanted to say it would help boost our economy because a lot of tourists would come to Singapore but I couldn't say "economy" and "rise" and in the end I said "Uh 因为会有很多游客来到新加坡,所以新加坡会赚很多钱" and I wanted to say so much more but didn't know how to and so I kept talking about tourists and he was giving me this blur look the whole time, I wanted to yank a paper bag over his face so I wouldn't see that look he was giving me! D: Oh and the stupid Miao Shou Tie Chu thing, "But I can't speak Chinese!" HAHAHA, and they showed me being interviewed on TV but they muted my voice HAHAHA

4) I don't buy cheap disgusting-looking clothes! Apart from the checkered dress. Yah I know. It's also the cheapest piece of clothing I own in my cupboard. And it's not even like I wanted it, I only got it because some girl wanted to do a swap with my mascara and I couldn't find anything nice but I really wanted to get rid of my mascara. And I would totally refuse to own any of the $10 fake NUM Little Miss tees / $10 fake Heinekein tees / NF skinnies / cheap stuff that (try to) look classy / all the fake NUM stuff (which is quite sad cos they're really nice but the fakes make NUM look terrible) $8 SLOGAN tees zomg. I mean, I'm not saying the tees look ah lian. Well they do, but it's because all the ah lians wear them because everyone they know wears them and must be the fake one somemore because it's cheap and everyone would know you've got cheap stuff and thus you're richer than them because you save more money. (According to a once-ah lian, that's the logic) And then everyone wears them and the fact that they're NOT EVEN AUTHENTIC AND THEY'RE PROUD OF IT is just plain absurd. And the font on most of the slogan tees look terrible.
PLUS SOME OF THE SLOGAN TEES HAVE BAD ENGLISH! E.g. "Tell me again why I need a boyfriends", "Every tears there is a story behind it" (WTF?!) "One man food can be another poison" (HAHAHAHAHA) and TOTALLY weird phrases e.g. "The truth is... I can't stop thinking about you" (huh?!) Ok for examples of slogan tees, check THIS out.
(If the blogshop owner chances upon this, I have nothing against you, really! It's not your fault the slogan tees suck. I mean, I know you're just trying to earn money and everything, so you're selling the things you think people would buy so you'd earn more money, I understand, I just hate slogan tees. But I've nothing against you or your blogshop)

4) I don't have rebonded hair! Well I'm not saying everyone who has rebonded hair is ah lian. Of course not! Like, Nadine's got rebonded hair but she's so ang moh. I mean most ah lians have rebonded hair. Well either that, or curled hair from the hair iron curler/straightener thingy. Well I don't have rebonded hair mainly because (a) I have a long face so it'd make my face look longer and I'd look like a freak, and (b) my mother would kill me first. But.. STILL! Hahaha.

Jessie thinks I'm damn cheena because I like to listen to Chinese music and I go to OB and I speak Singlish and I have an Ah Lian face.
My rebuts:

1) I CAN'T HELP MY FACE!!! And anyway, my face is not an ah lian face because ah lians look very pretty. Those who are damn ugly but dress like ah lians are ah lian wannabes. (NO NO NO I'M NOT AN AH LIAN WANNABE)

2) I like to listen to Chinese music but so?! It's better than liking... English techno. WAY BETTER okay. Sorry Sumay but I detest techno and I think it's like very cheapskate because it's like, some random person takes a piece of music composed and sung by someone else, adds a few weird beats and makes the singer's voice sound robotic and shitty, and then releases the music in a CD and expects people to actually pay for it. UHHHH... Oh and I totally cannot stand slow songs being techno-lised, because usually the songs are emotional and the person would have injected a lot of emotions into his/her song, and the feelings and emotions are completely lost in the technolisation of the song and it becomes damn disgusting. Ok. I just have something against techno.
I like Chinese music because the Chinese language is so much more expressive than English. Chinese is a romantic, expressive language. Each word contains a beautiful meaning in itself, and a sweet phrase sounds so much sweeter than in English. And the songs are so much more beautiful, in my opinion. There are great English songs too of course, but I feel most of the time it's the Chinese songs that have more emotions, that touch me more. Oh and the American celebs all damn screwed corrupted lives one. Maybe I'd like British bands. (Hint to Binkai to force more Brit band songs down my throat)


4) But I can speak good English also! Just that Singlish usually helps convey my message better because of the tone of voice and the choice of Singlish words used (lah, lor, wapiang, etc)

Woah this post is damn long.

Jan 5, 2009

To: The Person Who Doesn't Want Me To Know Who She Is

What you said has left a great impression on me, probably because I feel exactly the same way.
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry I've let everyone down.
And.. what you said made me feel so ashamed, of myself, and the others (you know who).
And for that, I am extremely grateful, and I really respect you. I really do. And I really admire you.
Thank you, so much. If not for this, perhaps we'd crumble and fall one day.
(Although it's already happening now.)

I can't thank you enough, I can't express my gratitude enough. I'm really happy, to see that someone cares too. I will try harder, I promise.

Lots more I want to say but I'll get killed for posting it up here so I'll write to you or something (:  



I shall not be an emokid anymore.

I used to be an emokid yo.
Like how all drag queens survive, I drowned myself with plastic and more plastic.
I love M.A.C cause it's a fabulous concealer.
It hides all my emo nonsense and makes me feel ohsotypical.
I once wished upon a star that I could be normal, but I'm born like that; I'm a fag.
Oh yeah I'm a ahlian looking fag, and it doesn't get more blatant than that.
I love trannies cause we're in the same clan.
So judge me, I AM A FAG!!!

Hearts&kisses, Karen.

Jan 4, 2009

Jolene's making me do this

It's a quiz about JJ, she calls him Smudgeboy (because of Smudge luh) so yeah. Only a few questions but my answers are long.

When I started to like Smudgeboy: June 2005? Around there? When I was in P6 and I saw his DOU JIANG YOU TIAO on TV (K Ge Shu Bu Qing). Then Rachel and Teressa told me to buy his album and then I got super hooked.

When I joined JJFC: My membership card states 3rd June 2006.

How many of JJ's events I've attended: Oh man I think I've lost count.
Sep 10 '05 - JJ's 24-song karaoke disc autograph session @ IMM
Apr '06 (I think) - JJ Party @ Expo
Jun 24 '06 - Just JJ World Tour
Jun 25 '06 - Autograph session at Century Square
Dec 7 '06 - Wish Upon A Star recording @ Mediacorp
Jan 2 '07 - JJFC Gathering with JJ (JT AND I SANG WITH HIM MUAHAHA)
Jun 5 '07 - Dong Hai Zhan Autograph session & Movie premiere
Aug 6 '07 - Kiehl's $88 thingy @ Heeren (1st time I went out with Mad!)
Sep 8 '07 - Kiehl's concert @ St. James Power Station
Sep 9 '07 - JJ Party 2 @ Vivo
Dec 21 '08 - JJFC Xmas gathering (JJ wasn't there)
Mar 22 '08 - SPOP Rehearsal (POMPOMS) @ Indoor Stadium
Mar 22 '08 - Qi Dai Ai Autograph session
Mar 23 '08 - SPOP Finals Recording @ Indoor Stadium (JJ showed us his new mike XD)
Jul 21 '08 - 933 Concert @ IMM
Nov 20 '08 (I think) - JJ @ KBOX Cineleisure
Nov 23 '08 - Very Singer Training Course audition (I don't think it counts, but JJ was there and he saw us and everything oh what a memorableeee day)
Dec 22 '08 - Smudge launch

That's.. 18 events (only). Haha.

Why do you like Smudgeboy?:
1. His talent is beyond compare (yo!) His composing talent's great, his slow tunes are all so soothing and ahhh. His voice is damn strong and powerful and he's got the ability to inject so much emotions into his songs. Shermin and apparently Lingling cried when they heard Bu Liu Lei De Ji Chang for the first time! (And they don't like JJ at all!)
Yeah, you can say he looks gay, he's damn ugly, can't dance etc., but his singing is superb and there's totally no doubt about that okay. He sings better live than on CD, in my opinion. (Like Leehom) And that's a talent that's hard to come by. Most singers digitally edit their voices, like HELLO, A SINGER'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO SING?!

2. His character. He's far off from being arrogant.. He actually went up to Jan and Jt and talked to them for a whole damn 10 minutes (CURSE COMMON TEST WEEK, I WANTED TO GO OB WITH THEM BUT COULDN'T URGH), he WENT UP to them (!!!) And that time when we saw him at OB (Oops, I haven't really revealed this yet but anw we saw him) he chatted with us for a little while (or with Jan and Jt anw, I was quiet as a rock) and he's so friendly and everything.. And during the SPOP rehearsal he chatted with us also.. "See, my new mike! :D :D :D) And he's always laughing when he talks to us (Remember the vid conference during Smudge launch? XD) And he's always improving himself.. like, his singing is already so damn good yet you can tell that his voice is improving in each album he releases (I can never imagine his voice being better than it already is, seriously). And his beatboxing also! Like, he's always ready to learn and improve, he doesn't think he's "good enough" and I love that mindset.
Oh, and his dog Momo hates his singing. XD

3. The mega cute way he smiles especially that SHY SMILE AHHH I LOVE IT TOO MUCH! His "Uh I don't know what I should be doing" smile, OH HIS DIMPLES WHEEE

4. He's damn innocent. I bet he's more innocent than me!

Most contributing factors are #1 and #2, of course.

Will you support him forever?: That's a stupid question. I've been totally in love with him since I first heard his voice and he's changed my life totally. If I hadn't known him, I wouldn't have known music! That means, no OB, no J4M, basically no life lah. JJ introduced me to my life's passion - music. Oh, and I would still be very faithless as a Christian and not knowing it even! (Because I wouldn't have gone back to church if not for Xueling Laoshi)
He gave me life man! Of course I'll support him forever.

Saunders, I'm so sorry

I know you still love me, I know you do.
Even if you don't, I'm not letting you go, because I love you.
I hope you know that.

Jan 1, 2009

I just realised something.


Whaaat. Quite cool what! 

I am an outcast.

I can't help feeling like that. It's probably my self-esteem problem, or my introvertedness. I feel... intimidated around people. When I'm around a group of people, especially with school friends, I usually feel like running away. (Not for j4m/ CHC CG yet, but.. maybe it'll happen soon enough, when I get to know everyone a little better.) I'm afraid of what people's opinions are towards me, afraid of how people would see me, afraid that I'm an extra there, that perhaps it'd be better for everyone if I weren't around.

I know, I know it's just me. It's a mental thing. Maybe I need counselling. Ever since.. that incident, and that other incident, I've become a very insecure person, very quiet. I used to be very talkative and noisy, whatever. Now I'm afraid, afraid when someone asks me out, because I might not have stuff to talk about, and she might realise how much of a boring person I am.

And I am a boring person. I'm a boring person, but I also know it's because that's how I think of myself. Maybe if I had more self-confidence, I wouldn't be a boring person. Maybe I'd be as happy, as carefree as I used to be. But I can't be how I used to be, because things have happened, and once you've learnt things, once you realise the world isn't as innocent and good and free as you thought it was, you can't erase these thoughts from your memories.

Everyone needs a best friend. I have few friends, even fewer good ones. Do I have best friends? Well, they're the closest people ever to me, but I'm not the closest to them. It's basically like having a crush on someone who already has a girlfriend.

I know there are people around me who do care for me, and want me to open up to them, and everything. I do love you guys, I love you guys a lot. But I keep feeling like as if you're doing it only because you pity me, you don't want to see this pathetic girl being left out all the time.

I need to change my mindset. I need to be as open and as talkative and as fun as I used to be. But.. I can't. So many things have happened, and changed me, I don't feel like myself anymore.

I love you guys so much, and I treat you all as my closest friends ever. But I don't think I mean as much to you as you mean to me. I feel like a pathetic little dog tagging along. I've become an outcast. I wish you guys could love me as much as I love you. But you guys can't, and won't. Don't say you do, because you don't know how much you mean to me. Maybe I mean a lot to you guys, but you've got so many other people you can rely on, fall back on. I don't have many close friends. You guys are the ones I live for. But if I disappear, I'll probably be nothing more than a very sad memory at the bottom of your hearts, you guys can do perfectly fine without me because I'm just, you know, a grain of rice in a rice bowl. I only have you guys. But you have so many other people.

Even if I go for counselling, what good would it do? The counsellor may try to make me feel special or whatever, you know, to help my self-esteem. But it's her job! I'm just like any other person to her too. Just like how I am to you.

Happy new year.


O's O's O's O's O's.
Tons of homework, Midyears + Prelims + O's all at the same time, Asian Youth Games practice, stepping down (bye Dance D:), no Miss Azlin, no Miss Joanna Lim, NO OBBBBBBB, and probably no church (well it's no surprise, since my parents stopped me from going since I was 13 cos they wanted me to concentrate on my studies. But... now that I'm back again, though I'm in a different church now, I can't bear to leaveeee! Well I hope my parents will allow me to go to CHC anyway. They've got terrible impressions of the church, just like everyone else).   

I haven't enjoyed myself enough to be able to concentrate on O's this whole year. I'm so dead.

Jessie, we'll die together!


She kissed him, she kissed him hard, she kissed him with passion.
But in her mind, he wasn't the person she was kissing.
In her mind, the person she was kissing was you.