left me shaking with trauma.
All Christians reading this post, please comment on it, please help me.. you can tag or msn or email or call or sms me, I just need help.
Ok, after school I was supposed to go to Bugis with Jt and Jan but Jan was extremely late so Jt and I walked around Suntec. And at around 3 Maddie called us and told us that Xueling Laoshi actually put up a piece of homework for us on her blog - she put up two videos of acapella performances and we were suppsoed to work on the parts and work everything out today - so Jt and I panicked and went back to OB to watch the vids and practice. Then Laoshi called and said aiyah since it was so last minute then nevermind lah, we'll meet at plaza sing today! So Jt and I waited for Mad to come to OB and we went to Plaza Sing together o.o
Xueling laoshi treated us to Mac's and she bought Jt a shaker and bought us this Kelly Clarkson's lyrics book and I'm supposed to write a three-part harmony for us to sing on Breakaway. Then we went to Riverwalk (at Clarke Quay).
The service was... traumatizing. That's the only word I can use to fully describe it. I think I'll be using this word a lot in this post.
Firstly, everytime they start praying in Tongues I feel freaked out. I get used to it the second or third time in the day, but the first time always makes me very irritated and confused etc. After that I couldn't really concentrate on praising.
Ming Jing (the zone leader) taught about the remaining 5 Commandments, that part was good. Taught me a lot. I didn't expect the Commandments to mean all that. Like "Do not commit murder", that includes hatred towards your "neighbours" as well, because hatred is what causes murder, or wars, and we shouldn't bear grudges against our "neighbours". And like "Do not steal", I also used to take that in a very literal way, but that can include stealing even against God, with your offerings and ties. Like if you promise to do something for God and then forget about it, you break a promise and in that way you're stealing from God. Am I making sense?
Then the rest of the time was for prayer. They spent 10 minutes praying in the Spirit; I spent 10 minutes listening to them and making myself believe this place wasn't going crazy, and whispering my own prayer. Then there was more singing.. and then Ming Jing asked for people to come to the front. Actually I wasn't planning on going to the front but I somehow became one of them. And then I saw Ming Jing place his hands on people and pray in tongues, and they all fell to the ground unconscious, one by one, like.. dead flies. (I can't think of a better expression)
And when he came to me, I started to panic. I wanted to tell him to go away but somehow I couldn't speak. And he placed his hands on my head and prayed for me in tongues. I was, like, trembling in fear, didn't know what to expect. And then when he lifted his hands from my head, I didn't fall. Somehow I think I didn't really expect to either; I was so afraid. And then I watched him move on to someone else, who also fell as soon as he lifted his hands from her head. And I was left alone.
I always expect to feel warm and protected when I feel God, but now I just felt all alone, alone in this crazy hall. Everyone was singing and shouting and speaking in Tongues and I was crying with my hands to my face instead of raised. I was too embarrassed to raise my hands. I realised I wasn't worthy to be a Christian. I was so ashamed of being here. I just cried, I wanted Xiao Xuan or Janice or Jt or Maddie to hug me but they were all in their own world, it'd be wrong of me to disturb them. And I prayed stuff I'd never have dared to. God, you're with everyone here but you're not with me, have you forgotten me? Where are you? Everyone here feels you, but I just feel lonely. I wish I hadn't come, I wish I was at home watching TV or something now. This feels so horrible. How can this be good? How can this be God?
He did this praying thing for people a number of times, and everytime I heard loud footsteps, or someone talking loudly, I'd panic. At one point of time I was so scared that I even prayed that he wouldn't come to me.
I saw Janice fall.
I told myself not to open my eyes anymore, but I kept opening my eyes out of curiosity just to see what was happening around me. And I'd just open my eyes a damn little but not even raise my head, and all I'd see would be people lying down with their toes pointing towards the ceiling, and I'd start trembling again. The person in front of me fell and I let out sort of a mix between a cry and a shriek.
Then someone came to me and placed his hands on me and I panicked, but it was Jason. Jason prayed for me, not in tongues but in English so I could understand, and I felt a bit relieved. Jason has this thing about him.. I can sense God's love and warmth through him. Maybe it's just him, but whatever it was, it calmed me down, it helped me feel protected and loved. He didn't pray loudly, he whispered, talked softly, so that only God and I could hear. His voice was very reassuring, full of God's love. And once again I believed that God comes to me through people instead of directly, because I can't really relate to something intangible like God.
I kept crying and saying "Jason, I'm so scared" but I don't think he heard me, just continued to pray for me.
And then he moved on to pray for another sister. I wanted him to come back.
When Ming Jing asked those who needed praying for to come in front, I was so terrified of what he would do, I held back, but Janice pulled me there and told me everything'd be okay. So I was pushed in front.
He placed his hands on my head and prayed again, and he left me standing there crying because I knew that His miracle had not worked on me, because I felt He had left me out of His great plan. And then he moved on to the person beside me, and the next person, and they all fell one by one.
And then Xiao Xuan gave me what I needed most - Jt pulled me to the side and Xiao Xuan gave me a great big hug. And she kept telling me not to worry, not to cry, that everything was okay, then she prayed for me a lot, and kept stopping halfway to check if I was okay or not.
I didn't know what to do, and i told her I felt very traumatised. She told me it was okay, it was my first time at this kind of thing anyway, it was normal to feel like that. But I didn't know how to explain it. Everyone was concentrating on God, everyone was so high in worship and I was here crying, not knowing what was going on. It was like as if He was speaking to everyone but ignoring me.
I saw Jason fall.
And then I turned back to Xiao Xuan and willed myself never to look at the other people again. I was too afraid of what I would see.
Later Janice and Jt hugged me and I felt a little relieved in a way. But I was still sort of in a state of shock. I don't know if I can ever face this again. I think I'd go mental.
I still don't know if I'd actually ever be able to fully enjoy a single CHC service/event/cell group meeting. I cry every single time we have a CHC event. Every single time. Every time I attend a CHC event I feel very confused, this confusion and anger builds up with every meeting I attend. One day I probably wouldn't be able to take it anymore.
I feel like as if God's casting me away. I don't know what to do.
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