Jan 1, 2009

I am an outcast.

I can't help feeling like that. It's probably my self-esteem problem, or my introvertedness. I feel... intimidated around people. When I'm around a group of people, especially with school friends, I usually feel like running away. (Not for j4m/ CHC CG yet, but.. maybe it'll happen soon enough, when I get to know everyone a little better.) I'm afraid of what people's opinions are towards me, afraid of how people would see me, afraid that I'm an extra there, that perhaps it'd be better for everyone if I weren't around.

I know, I know it's just me. It's a mental thing. Maybe I need counselling. Ever since.. that incident, and that other incident, I've become a very insecure person, very quiet. I used to be very talkative and noisy, whatever. Now I'm afraid, afraid when someone asks me out, because I might not have stuff to talk about, and she might realise how much of a boring person I am.

And I am a boring person. I'm a boring person, but I also know it's because that's how I think of myself. Maybe if I had more self-confidence, I wouldn't be a boring person. Maybe I'd be as happy, as carefree as I used to be. But I can't be how I used to be, because things have happened, and once you've learnt things, once you realise the world isn't as innocent and good and free as you thought it was, you can't erase these thoughts from your memories.

Everyone needs a best friend. I have few friends, even fewer good ones. Do I have best friends? Well, they're the closest people ever to me, but I'm not the closest to them. It's basically like having a crush on someone who already has a girlfriend.

I know there are people around me who do care for me, and want me to open up to them, and everything. I do love you guys, I love you guys a lot. But I keep feeling like as if you're doing it only because you pity me, you don't want to see this pathetic girl being left out all the time.

I need to change my mindset. I need to be as open and as talkative and as fun as I used to be. But.. I can't. So many things have happened, and changed me, I don't feel like myself anymore.


I love you guys so much, and I treat you all as my closest friends ever. But I don't think I mean as much to you as you mean to me. I feel like a pathetic little dog tagging along. I've become an outcast. I wish you guys could love me as much as I love you. But you guys can't, and won't. Don't say you do, because you don't know how much you mean to me. Maybe I mean a lot to you guys, but you've got so many other people you can rely on, fall back on. I don't have many close friends. You guys are the ones I live for. But if I disappear, I'll probably be nothing more than a very sad memory at the bottom of your hearts, you guys can do perfectly fine without me because I'm just, you know, a grain of rice in a rice bowl. I only have you guys. But you have so many other people.

Even if I go for counselling, what good would it do? The counsellor may try to make me feel special or whatever, you know, to help my self-esteem. But it's her job! I'm just like any other person to her too. Just like how I am to you.

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