Jul 31, 2010

We're so lucky we tend to forget

"Please, save them both...... they don't have a father anymore."
"Woman, don't you get it? One side of the concrete slab is on top of your daughter. The other side is on top of your son. We can only lift one side. You have to choose one to save.
"No, you have to save them both!"
"You have to choose one to save quickly, if not you'll lose both of them!"
"No, save them both... please."
"Someone's alive there, help!.... Madam, we have other lives to save."
"No, don't leave...........save my son."

And a tear trickled down the girl's cheek
as she disappeared under the concrete.


I feel the workload piling up now - as Wei Liang says, "PR finally has something to do" - and it's all rushing at me at once, but I'll take it in my stride.

Inter-house Games!

Subcomm Allocs was awesome fun (for us exco members anyway), hahahaha. Hope Andrew Fok uploads the photos soon.

Jul 28, 2010

i took the Jungian Personality test on Facebook

(Link here!)
...and guess what, I'm an INFP. HAHAHAHA.

I'm getting pretty worried about my mental state. I mean, I love love my INFP, but my extraversion and neuroticism percentile thingies are pretty worrying. I'm more emotionally unstable than 99% of the respondents. Die. I think I'm turning mental. Apparently INFPs are the most likely to develop mental illnesses. I'm apparently more introverted than 92% of the respondents (or I'm more extraverted than 8% of them). That's pretty horrible but not as bad as belonging to the 99th percentile for neuroticism. I guess I've got pretty wild emotions.

'INFPs focus much of their energy on an inner world dominated by intense feeling and deeply held ethics. Loyal to the people and causes important to them... They are curious to understand those around them, and so are accepting and flexible except when their values are threatened. They have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything.'

'From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is quiet and somewhat withdrawn. Your answers describe you as someone who doesn't need lots of other people around to have fun, and can sometimes find that people are tiring.'

Jul 27, 2010


Today during Dance practice for our YOG performance (We're doing Sakura for the Judo finals!) Laura asked us to take some time to 'feel' the music. We switched off all the lights, sat in a circle facing outwards and closed our eyes while the music filled us.

You know, when you're sitting alone in the dark and you don't know what's going on around you and the hypnotic music plays, you get transported to a different world. Suddenly, sitting on the floor in darkness, I became alive.

It was quiet, quiet drama, but there was no rest. Chilly thin air tingling with mystery; the audience watching in silent awe. A lot, a lot of tension. Then there was snow. Snow on the dry grass and the tiny wooden bridge and on the banks of the almost-frozen river. And a pair of red wooden clogs. A red umbrella. A pink kimono as soft as her white skin. She could have been a princess.

Then it all disappeared and became a dark, wet road. Ahead, red lanterns and a warmly-lit room. Other kimono girls pouring tea for the men. And in that room was her husband-to-be. The snow fell hard, but she didn't allow the biting pain to show. She was a swan in the form of a princess. She had a performance to put on, and her lover would be watching. A performance? Her life was a performance. A decade of pain and struggle hidden behind a flawless mask of grace. Over the years, it had become her. She was grace.

Then it all disappeared and she was surrounded by fire. Passion and hatred and screams of despair and hurt. A raging war. The fire was reflected in her eyes. The fire became her. And then she was in control of the fire; the fire became one of grace.

And she floated out of the flames and the snow, she and her pink kimono and red clogs and painted lips and the hint of a smile.

And through it all, with such precious dignity, such flawless beauty.

(I just realised that if you read all of the above quickly, it sounds pretty stupid.)

We're all cowards behind masks of gay laughter

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." - Oscar Wilde

My mask is my blog. In person, I hardly talk about my feelings - if I do, I'm usually only telling you the tip of the iceberg. I usually don't say what I feel. I might as well be a mute, really - when I speak the world just thinks I'm intellectually disabled. Especially if I'm talking about something I've been thinking about for a very long time. It never comes out right. Usually I just get ignored when I do that because nobody understands what I'm talking about. It's an INFP characteristic - and it's always been my personality - to appear aloof, shy or like I don't really mind, but still water runs very, very deep. You know, usually when people think (or when I make people think) I'm sleeping or daydreaming, my brain's actually going wild with thoughts.

When I pen my thoughts down, my caged up heart is set free.

When I blog something, it's equivalent to a normal person simply telling someone else about her emotions. I guess it's bad that when I write, I tend to get carried away with the beauty of words and phrase things in a way that implies stronger feelings than what I intended. It rocks to be able to finally express yourself after a day of carrying burdens of holding things in, of regretting things I didn't voice out earlier, and I get carried away with that weightlessness. After a day of being an emotionless face - or feeling like an object of ridicule - or having smiled a little too much - it's nice to feel human. When you give me the opportunity to write, I cannot lie. I just cannot.

I'm sorry everyone else - normal people who voice out their thoughts instead of letting them out on a blog - take things differently. I'm sorry.

I should know when to use my private blog. That way I don't bitch to anyone, plus nobody at all gets hurt.

But somehow that's just equivalent to bottling it up to me. I like knowing someone else might have understood how I felt. That's why you bitch too.

I'm sorry to you, and I'm also sorry people don't tend to accept my way of emoting. Maybe I need speech therapy.

(Psst, do you remember being very involved in the bitching about me once upon a time? Because I remember. We hardly even knew each other then. Then again, I guess the lack of belief everyone had in me with the position I had been appointed and my relationship at the time made for fantastic juice.)

Jul 25, 2010

(Yong Zheng says:)

"There's always a little truth behind every 'jk', a little knowledge behind every 'idk', a little emotion behind every 'idc', and a little pain behind every 'it's OK."

I could really use a wish right now

I've become really hot-tempered recently. I guess it's because my brain's constantly overworked - no, I'm not stressed about work or my schedule, it's become overworked thinking about you. And I mean you, the Rochester of my current life, my puppeteer. I'm a marionette; my heart's on a string. The next time you give me even the slightest bit of hope, I'll watch my heart get lifted up before being flung on the ground again. I think it happens on a daily basis. I hate wondering and being confused. You don't deserve to be that little nagging thought constantly biting away at the corners of my mind.

Actually, come to think about it, I don't really like you. Don't see any bright future if anything happens between us either.

I'll focus on that. Goodnight, friend!

Love is... Jason Castro's voice

Favourite Song At The Moment #2

You'll call me on Thursday
And we'll hang out all day
Then fall asleep on the phone

And oh, I'll hold your hand when we drive
And we'll lose track of all the time
And we'll tell everyone that
We ain't never felt so alive

And I wanna fall in love with you again

Love seems to be so much in the air now, with everyone I talk to - and everyone I don't talk to. Look at all the Facebook statuses and the MSN conversations we have with our friends. There's Noobz who's fighting on, Emokid who's given up, Bin who vows to remain single for life but flirts around like nobody's business, a Gross Kid I Don't Have A Nickname For who's just in it for the sex, V who'd like to know what it's like, Beng who apparently doesn't want to get into anything but I'm suspecting the line's blurring just a little, two Facebook relationship status changes from 'Single' to 'It's Complicated' in the past hour, Ian Ang and his umbrella of apathy... the list goes on.

It's a pandemic.

Jul 24, 2010

Be wary, then; best safety lies in fear.

But I don't fear the pain that's to come

So I was building up my little paper-flimsy wall of defence and you tore it down - tore it down with sweetness. Again.

But you know, if you feel like throwing this pathetic girl's feelings around some more, I'm totally welcome to you, to delusional happiness and to hurt. Come and hurt me, I'm welcome to the pain. Your pain. Your fling is a poisoned apple; the sweetness overwhelms me and then the pain comes but I don't mind. I remember the sweetness and it mixes with the pain. And the bittersweet poison intoxicates me and makes me feel alive while it kills me unknowingly.

'If I could die. Now, when I am happy. Would you do that? You wouldn't have to kill me. Say die and I will die. You don't believe me? Then try, try, say die and watch me die.'

What is between you? Give me up the truth.
He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.
Affection! Pooh! You speak like a green girl, unsifted in such perilous circumstance. Do you believe his tenders, as you call them?
I do not know, my lord, what I should think.
Marry, I'll teach you: think yourself a baby, that you have ta'en these tenders for true pay, which are not sterling. Tender yourself more dearly...

Favourite song

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind. He broke his own heart, and I watched as he tried to reassemble it. And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget.

And that was the day I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling, you are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are the only exception

Maybe I know somewhere, deep in my soul, that love never lasts. And we've got to find other ways to make it alone - or keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this - keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now, I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk.

You are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are the only exception, you are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up; leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

You are the only exception.

And I'm on my way to believing, oh and I'm on my way to believing.

(A very anti-climactic note: I'm not referring to anyone in particular. I just love this song.)
Shoot me now, I love Paramore.

My noob LCM exam song

I've been singing this over and over every week for vocal lessons (btw, I sound like a dying chicken when I sing) and I never took notice of the lyrics and realised what the song was saying.

Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real
And I give you just a little time
I wonder if you realise
I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

Jul 23, 2010


AND OMG NODAME!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay that's it I'm going to call for a movie marathon. Am I free on Sunday?

Jul 22, 2010

To you a phase, to me a craze

Thank you for giving me a chance to live a dream, even if it was just for a while. I guess you could call it an illusion, but it was like... defying gravity. The seats, hanging around together a lot, the stage, your hand and my ear, your smile, the lights, your concerned face at Swensen's... it was all a part of the magic, of the little dream. Like those few days of my life had been pulled out of the dull orbit of reality and set flying high into another dimension.

And least I've got an answer now (or half an answer) - it'd keep me from wondering.

I know what it feels like to like someone and have someone else liking you - that someone else should just go away. I know what it feels like.

Oh, and I love us being friends, I really do, 'cos you're a funny crazy thing. Friends for us is better than being anything else, and I'm absolutely sure of that. Now, forget everything I just said in the last few hours, both here and to you in private. We'll go back to being the crazy friends we were just a moment ago, because it's fantastic that way.

Jul 21, 2010

I know I've said uncertainty's the best stage to be in

but it can only last so long before the bubble bursts (or I make it burst).

Someday I'm going to ask you about last month. I really am. Sometime soon. It's not that I don't know how you felt about me then - or how you don't feel about me now - it's just that I'd really like to hear you say it.

I've been wanting to talk about it for so long that I don't even want to anymore. Just get out. Or come here.

My eyes are swollen and painful and my contacts are killing me. I don't know why.

Jul 19, 2010


I was on Facebook just now and happened to take note of Yao De's status: "Invest your time in what's eternal and not what's temporary." And I thought, how true. How true. What do we hope to achieve by being in something like the Students' Council? If it's for our portfolio or for the glory or the prestige of being in it or even wanting to be the best Council ever so that we'll be remembered for our great contributions, I'm pretty sure we'll all burn out really soon. Because that's not what Council's about.

Council isn't about competition or what we gain out of it personally. To me, it isn't even about leaving a legacy as the 35ths. We want each batch of Councillors to outdo the previous batch because we want the best for the school. I genuinely want to do as much as I can for the school to help the students make their ACJC experience a fantastic one. I want ACJC to be able to change people's lives. That is eternal. And, of course, I ultimately want to give everything back to the One who gave so much to me. I want to change people's lives in ACJC, whether they find Him or find love or find true friendship and school spirit here.

If we keep working for ourselves - to build up our portfolio and all - things start to seem really pointless eventually. I've thought about it. I've got quite a lot of things going for me - awesome CCAs, relatively good O level results, a small scholarship (that doesn't grant me much but maybe it'll get me somewhere) - and all this, what for? For a good record? To heighten my chances of getting a scholarship for a university overseas, maybe, but what for? To work in print journalism and slog my guts out for an unsatisfactory pay? Or to become an English teacher and have to deal with uncooperative students and authorities' rigidness? When I think about this, if everything I've been doing so far had been for the wrong reasons - for personal gain - I'd have lost meaning in everything a long time ago.

But it's not about all that. I want to give back as much as I've been blessed with. Each skill or lesson I've learnt, or each experience I've gained, has a much greater purpose. It's not about myself, not about leaving a personal legacy. I want to change people's lives. I want someone's life to have been changed for the better, to be able to heal and spread love - and spread the word of the greatest Love of all, that which comes from the perfect One.

That's eternal.




Somehow I don't really feel like talking about it so...

Investiture was good. It was funny to hear the school go "woah" when we raised our hands up to say the pledge (almost) together. The putting-down-hands part wasn't good though.

Went to bed at 9.45pm and got up at 3.45am to do my hair. It's a record. The amount of gel I had on my hair was the amount I use during Dance performances.

Anywayyyy, I guess it was good. I didn't realise that my smile was really fake when I was on the risers. When I went onstage to shake Mrs Chan's hand and stuff the stage floor was really slippery. I slipped at every sharp turn. When Chloe went to shake Mrs Chan's hand the school went into hysterics.

At the end when the 35ths stood at the sides of the narrow aisle while the 34ths walked down it, the music made everyone all emotional. Gerou cried even before the seniors walked past us. I wanted to hug my ex-PR Head Lianne as she walked past - a half-hug was good enough though. Pris really cried as she walked down the aisle. So did a few other seniors. I felt so bad for them all. During the rehearsals, Joshua Wu walked down the aisle mock-pouting, like he was expecting everyone to cry. Today, during the real thing, he smiled, albeit somewhat sadly.

After the 34ths had left the hall, the 35ths walked out, and when I walked out of the hall I saw the 34ths clapping for us and hugging one another, and I just couldn't believe we wouldn't see them leading us ever again. Andrew and his speeches to us, Kathleen and her ultra-scariness, Sasin and his Dobby funniness, Maisie and Ivfen and their super-cuteness, James and his craziness, Lianne and her - I don't know - her screaming that haunted me throughout camp, and the uber-niceness she's showered me with ever since the day of Exco elections, Samuel Ang and his passion for God and the way he makes all of us laugh without really doing anything.

So much for not wanting to blog about it.

Anyway, we camwhored a lot hohohoho.
This tall guy was in my campaigning group for the Elections. Gosh it's crazy to think about how far we've come since those days.
Three really funny guys who all happen to be in the Exco. I guess we're all weird.

After school we had the Editorial Board Farewell Party for the J2s, and it was also our handover meeting. So both my Editorial Board and Council seniors leave today. (Today was also the release of the results for the Dance Exco. Oh gosh this is all happening too fast.) We had fun laughing at the guys and I'm really going to miss our Ed Board seniors too - Lianne, Fun Juin, Judith and our dearest Julian, who never fails to make everyone laugh at his nonsense every Ed Board meeting.

And thennnnn I went to the void deck to meet a few of the other other Councillors (YES WE'RE NO LONGER ELECTS!!!!!) and then Vanessa, Pauline, Hyun and I went to do the board-under-construction thingy for the Council Voice!

Gosh it looks really really bad because the black cloth isn't there anymore - the 34ths took it down - so everything's on the bare grey thing, eww ): I don't like. But whatever, it's just temporary. But still, after all the time and effort I spent on the little individual things, the board deserves to look better. I. Want. Black. Cloth. But I'm so not going to re-thumbtack everything again.

I forgot to take a picture of the (rather ugly, thanks to the lack of black cloth background) board-under-construction board. Will do so tomorrow.

Jul 17, 2010

Dear Lifelong-Partner-Whom-God-Has-Chosen-For-Me,

please come soon, I can't wait much longer.


I walk towards the theatre, and in that dim little underpass I feel the magic tingling in silent anticipation in the air, waiting to reveal itself to me in a burst of invisible glitter and intoxicate me like how it did before. But I hide myself under a dark shield of gloom and walk on.

Whenever I'm in the CPA or the Esplanade Theatre - or on the way to the Esplanade - there's that glittery shimmery magic. I remember the excitement in the air every time the Crescent Dancers went to the Esplanade to perform, with blue eyeshadow, toga tops, wooden boxes.

Occasionally that glittery shimmery magic flows into my heart and fills me with immature infatuation sweetness, just for that little while - the magic becomes golden honey in my heart. But most of the time, shivering in the dark in that beautiful theatre, the magic turns its back on me. And behind Magic's face is a black hole of loneliness and a wrenching, pleading heart.

The beautiful theatres with the warm decor but freezing temperatures - that's like the golden honey-sweet magic with that hint of darkness lurking behind.

Sachoom with Pauline, Fang Jiunn and Jou Teng was good. It's definitely not as good as Breakout, but the breakdancing was crazy awesome. The main guy in the "dancical" is the trainer of Dong Bang Shin Ki, SNSD and SS501!!!!!
We managed to take three photos with a number of them after that. One of the guys smiled at Pauline after the photo-taking and she was squealing over it for a long time after. Hot Korean dudes. Hahaha.

"I've always felt that you liked Piglet."
"I do like Piglet!"
"No, I said I've always felt that you looked like Piglet."

Jul 14, 2010

Roobz the noobz

Today I decided to go all out and really open up to a friend I'm not that close to in real life. We had been opening up quite a lot to each other already anyway, so I decided to tell all now. It would make a lot of things much easier too. And then, while I was typing out my lengthy emotional secret story and really letting myself open up...

he fell asleep.

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm glad that we had the conversation we had while we were still awake though. It's just that whatever I typed out at the last part while he was sleeping were the bits that I've always kept to myself until now - little things I never thought I'd let anyone know about (I guess that's because I let myself go a lot more when I'm writing; when I'm talking I can restrain myself much better) - and now I'm feeling really insecure about all that.

It's like, when a friend responds to something and that section of the matter has been talked about, that bit gets locked away somewhere secure, like the corners of our minds, never to be exposed to the poisonous acidic outside air again. But when the friend hasn't responded and whatever I've said is still waiting for a resolution, it's left hanging out in the open, where it's left vulnerable to the eyes and gossiping mouths of the world.

I know I'm paranoid. You can't blame me, okay? It's about a matter I'm holding rather dearly to my heart.

And the tall small boy is already asleep. R, it's your fault if I'm too jittery to sleep tonight!

Jul 12, 2010

When you know you can't do it, He will provide.

Rev 3:20 "I stand at the door and knock."

Isn't it wonderful how the reason we are able to love God is because He first loved us? If He hadn't come to us, we would have never come to Him. Yet, even as He reaches out to all of us and loves us first - love we don't ever deserve - we keep letting him down over and over again. Some of us even refuse His love and rebel. Some of us deliberately go against Him or lash out at Him, purposely hurting the God who shows us love through it all. A lot of the time, we ask Him why something horrible's happening to us, why He doesn't seem to be there helping us, when we don't realise He has a bigger plan for us in store, that we need hardship to grow, and He's with us through it all; we just need to learn to step out of our own mind and be open to His unworldly love and peace.

Post-Napfa fun!


I'm not sure how I feel about you now. I actually think I feel almost the same way as I did before - a month back with all that magic - but somehow it hardly hurts at all now. Now I'm able to calm my thoughts and concentrate on other things. Maybe it's because back then I kept hoping and imagining and being confused - my emotions depended on how I thought you felt about me. Now I guess everything's a little more stable for me, I wonder why. I wonder why it hurts less. Maybe it's because even though there's still a glimmer of hope and a dream inside me, I know I don't want anything to progress further because it'll result in a little emotional mess again. It's nice to be able to really be friends with you. Friends is an awesome word.

One of those Facebook quiz-notes that waste my time.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?
Sounds a bit ambitious but I know I will. I trust people very easily and wholeheartedly and so I'm an honest person when it comes to things like these. I'm very bad at hiding my emotions, especially if you give me a pen and paper. And I know that it's better to say it now than later. At least he'll know I'm serious about my relationship with him and I don't want to hurt him.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Assuming I could do it? That's a tough question. It's quite gross. But yes. I would never be able to live with the conscience of not saving someone's life when I could - God gives you experiences for a purpose. That's a crazy conscience to live with.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?
Newborn. It hasn't lived enough to have a life valuable enough to save anyway. Old is gold.
Okay no wait I actually don't know. Wow. But yeah. My grandmother deserves last words. The world's overpopulated anyway. The newborn has barely lived.

21. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all?

True love with a guarantee of a broken heart. Because you have to die to live.

"One day there was a woodpecker named woody, and a lightyear named buzz."

Jul 11, 2010

Check out my schedule.

Monday (School ends at 3.30): Editorial Board (4.30-6), clashes with Council Flag-Raising training (4.45-?)
Tuesday (School ends at 3.30): Investiture rehearsal (5/5.30 - late)
Wednesday (School ends at 2): Leadership talk thingy (2.15-5), Exco discussion (? Because I can't make it on Thursday!)
Thursday (School ends at 4.30): Dance YOG practice (5-8 or later I guess?), clashes with Exco discussion (Really sorry guys!!!!!! But I can't miss the YOG practices at all, it's super crucial, I'm really really sorry)
Friday (School ends at 4.30): Investiture rehearsal (5/5.30 - late), clashes with Dance (5-8)

Three CCAs. Sorry. I need to be committed to the YOG thing for now, I can't miss YOG practice. When that's over in August I promise to be super devoted and committed to Council and my wonderful subcomm-to-be.

Ohnooooo. EOM and Econs homework still undone. And I REALLY WANT TO WATCH TOY STORY THREE )))): HAHAHAHA

Do you like to hurt? Then hurt me, hurt me, hurt me

Hey, I just realised something. It's been a year and a day since I got out of my first and only one-year-nine-month relationship with a disgusting kid. A year and a day on, how different have things become?

Jul 10, 2010

What do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold
Or hell to pay
What do you say?

It's painful to think about you. I guess I like to hurt.

The DEP showcase in school was really good. The one that touched me the most was by a guy called Timothy, about a mental illness.

You've got paranoid schizophrenia, but you're on long-term medication and you're as stable as anyone else in the room. But people look at your medical history, your behaviour... and deem you unfit. Unfit to be a friend, to be seen in public without being an embarrassment, to be close to people or do things like everyone else. Without letting themselves get to know you better to judge for themselves, they protect themselves by judging you by a diagnosis on paper and labelling you.

So you take comfort in the darkness inside you. Is that what they call... insanity?

Then there was the three J1 girls. Gloria's monologue (?) really spoke to me. It's something that would speak to people of our age group I guess.

I'll tell you what I'm doing here. I'm waiting for him. And I know he'll come because... I trust him. And ..... And I like him. I am in like with him and I like him and I know he'll come. I'll give him two minutes while I pay the bill... No, I'll give him three minutes, that's how long they'll take to get the bill ready anyway... He will come, just watch, and learn. Three minutes, starting.... now. He'll come any moment now. He'll come walking through those doors. Very soon...

"I'll ask my Crescent friend to watch Toy Story 3 with me."
"Sorry, I think she watched it already. I'm serious, she watched it with me."
"Haha your friend said she was cold so I even gave her my jacket."
"Are you trying to make me jealous? Because it isn't working!"
"Okay fine. I won't tell you about the kissing."
"Ooh, scandalous in the cinema eh?"
"Cinemas are meant to be scandalous. They even kindly switch off the lights for you." - Hyun

From Derrick's blog

Met Audrey and Emma, who had come back from Australia to visit! Haven't seen them since 2004. \m/

After the 34th Council's general meeting, Andrew Fok talked to the eight of us 35ths about it and as he talked I sensed his strong love for the Councillors and I felt really bad about the fact that they'd be stepping down from Council to make way for us new kids. I felt like it wasn't right. Who are we to be responsible for continuing the legacy the fantastic 34th Students' Council left behind? To let their strong bond and loud laughter and strong dedication be replaced by... newbies. I guess, like Andrew said, we'll grow to become like them someday - hopefully.

Letting go's always a risk the seniors have to take, a parting the seniors wish would never come. Somehow, during the GM, while watching the farewell videos and watching the seniors do the Council cheer, I actually felt... guilty to be one of those who were going to take their place.

I'm weird that way.

Jul 9, 2010

Consuming Fire

Passion AC was fantastic. It was great, it wasn't what I had expected; it was what I thought I'd be asking too much for.

I really regret not asking Wei Liang to go, and not persuading Hyun who would probably have gone if I told him that the other Elects were going to be there. It was fantastic. Praise and Worship was awesome. The testimonies shared - stories of how God healed a guy and transformed the lives of non-believers and one who used to persecute Christians - were fantastic, had me on the verge of tears a couple of times. The pastor of Wesley Methodist Church gave a great message too.

Is all you do really for God or for yourself? Don't do just what you want to do; do what God has set you out to do. It seems like a simple enough statement, but something even those who think themselves to be "righteous" and "faithful" could fall short of. Sometimes we think we're doing all we can for God when we drown ourselves in good work and stuff... but one thing more important than sacrificing time for God is spending time with God. You could be busy evangelizing and being in the youth band... but what if these aren't what God wants you to do? If He wants you to reach out to a lonely, spiritually empty girl in class people tend to avoid, and you ignore God's calling and do everything else, you may be working for Him but in the end you've still failed Him.
Sometimes, to serve God you don't have to do "as much as possible" - rather, it'd be good to focus on something you think He wants you to do, pray about it, and do that job to the best of your ability, with His guidance.

At this point in time when he was talking I felt a slight nagging at my conscience - Dance. I know that by being willing to participate in the YOG performance, I'll have to be really committed to Dance for the next month and won't be able to commit as much to Council until it's over. I have a lot to be responsible for in Council and if there's Dance next Thursday, the whole Exco will have to shift the timing for our meeting just because of me. In addition, I've got KidsRead every fortnightly Tuesday but I think it won't be that much of a problem because I hope I'll just be a little late for it at most (and Laura's in both too anyway).

But.... I don't know. I know I probably won't dance again after I quit AC Dance and I won't get to dance in another SYF or AC Dance concert. And I've been wishing for the chance to be a part of the YOG in any way and I guess this might be my last chance to REALLY dance ever and I know it will be awesome. And I'm still more than willing to stay committed to Dance until I really can't take the stress from having three CCAs anymore.

I digress.

Anyway, when Passion AC was coming to a close, the pastor asked for people who felt they had been slipping away from God and wanted to come back to Him and doing things for the purpose of serving Him again to come to the front of the hall and be prayed for by some 34th Councillors and CFers. And I went, not because I felt I had been slipping away but because at that point in time I was suddenly struck by a realisation. I finally understood why God had placed me in the Council Exco as the head of Public Relations. I saw how my role as PR head could be a great tool to serve Him, and then I knew that this role was something God gave me for His purpose.

I mean, I know we always say that ultimately, whatever we do is for Him, but it's so, so easy to lose track of that meaning. When we said "We lift the Dance concert into Your hands" a month ago, it was something we knew we needed God for and all, but how was the concert really for God? Of course, there are many ways in which it could be for God - to stir a kid's interest to come to AC in the future and be influenced by the Christians and morning Devotions here; to strengthen someone's friendship with a Dancer (and strengthened / established friendships can always work for God's purpose) etc. - and I think it began to lose its meaning for me when I wanted everything I did to be a part of His plan but didn't really see how things like being in Dance or Council would serve His purpose.

And this PR thing just struck me. I saw how I, as the Head of Public Relations - the subcomm that's in charge of creating the image of Council, making AC a memorable experience for the students and bridging the gap between the students and teachers - could really use this as a tool to serve God in great, great ways. I truly understood from the core of my heart that this position was really given to me by God, and for His purpose. When you see how something can be used for His purpose, you know it isn't by chance. I understood that I had the potential of being used by our sovereign God in great ways with what He has given me.
After months of praying for everything to be good in Dance and Council but not knowing how it would relate to God much anyway, this was a striking revelation that freed me.

And when I went forward with the intention of asking one of the 34th Council Exco members to pray for me - because they'd understand - I was approached by someone from CF instead, but it was alright. I ended up breaking down when I told her about how I finally understood that God had chosen me to be in this position for His purpose and I really wanted to use it to serve Him. I think I just really needed to speak my thoughts out, because saying it aloud was my mind's way of confirming it.

After the little praying session, we sang Consuming Fire, and that did it for me. I know the song because the Councillors sang it during June Camp - the days we felt like dying - and the awesome Exco retreat, and it was so incredibly apt that I was singing it now because wanting to use my position in Council completely for His purpose was the only thing on my mind. I know that in Council I can work for Him, and that's where God wants me to serve Him.

I still really want to be in the YOG performance though. Well let's see how things go.

Said my OG mate:

Kester: eh a lot of crescent dancers in ac
Me: 12 (:
Kester: i think my og got some
but can't rmb who

Me: your og -.-

Kester: oh
i meant uhh
you didnt see that

Jul 7, 2010

The CCA Dilemma

Exco retreat was good, maybe I'll blog about it another time.

NJC's investiture with Weilang, Chloe and Hyun!

Today the 35th Exco went for the 34th's final General Meeting. There were farewell videos they made and it got me quite pensive in a way and emotional for them, even though I wasn't a part of those memories. The feeling of leaving a group of people who mean everything to you and going back to a life without this CCA you feel you've spent your whole life in is something most of us have felt before. It was painful to step down as Discipline Head and leave Crescent Dance. Life felt incredibly empty. And I'm pretty sure that after a year of being in Council, especially because it's a very time-consuming CCA, what my seniors will be feeling would be much greater than what I felt after leaving Crescent Dance - life would feel much emptier without the Council duties and ad-hoc discussions; school might feel mundane.

At this point in time I suddenly thought of AC Dance. I know both Council and Dance are expecting me to quit Dance very, very soon, but I'm just not ready. Sure, I'm not close to many of the dancers and I feel like a loner a lot of the time and I'm a horrible dancer and the most inflexible girl around, but I don't think I can leave it just yet. The crazy liveliness and awesome cheering, funny pals like Na, Jouteng and even Yohanes, and close fantastic friends like Joan - I'm just not ready to part with Dance. AC Dance definitely isn't something I feel as much for as people like Amelia do, but... it isn't just about this specific dance society, but about dancing as a whole.

I may suck at dancing but it's awesome. When I'm falling asleep, dancing wakes me up. It's the only form of exercise I can do when I'm sleepy and after that I actually feel more awake. Dance is something I feel an adrenaline rush for. I may not be a good dancer but I love to dance. Just like the classic Forrest Gump quote "I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is."

I'm just not ready to give Dance up entirely yet. It's something I'll have to let go off eventually - with a lot of regret, especially after my friends who couldn't make it for Bailamos promised they'd be there to watch next year - but maybe not immediately.

I'll feel really bad if I have to skip Dance practices for Council though. Like, if there's Dance next Thursday I'll have to give it a miss for Council Exco.

....Damn life, I need seventy-two hours a day.

I remember the adrenaline rush that comes with the pulsating music and the soft lights and with just moving. Energy fills me when I dance the SYF'07 dance. Vitality. Vitality stirs up in me as I move and feel the music. It's magic. The magic in the theatre that week that intoxicated us. Dance is life. Dance makes me feel alive. Yes, I'm a horrible dancer but that doesn't mean I can't feel the magic of Dance.

I'm not ready. See, when I leave AC Dance, I probably will never dance again.

You know, deep down I still wonder what you think about me now, and if you felt it too back then.

Jul 2, 2010

ELL's over

Celebrations? What celebrations? Tomorrow I'm going to school at nine-thirty for the only Chinese oral practice we'll have with Mdm Lim, and then we're having the Exco retreat until Monday (YAY), and on Monday afternoon and evening there's the Dance and OG gathering, and then Tuesday's A Level Chinese oral and Charmaine and I need to work on our Editorial Board assignment and then it's time to rack our brains over our EOM. Can someone please tell me what the EOM's supposed to look like?????

And I give the Great Singapore Sale a miss again.


Jul 1, 2010


xjohntee:  yumjennifer:  lagman:  jayjayp:  charlestran41:  monairdesiree:  tayatechu:  wtfeezyaj:  heyarianne:  HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA  (via riahh)      LOLOL.  LAWL4DAYS LMFAO HAHAHAHA   wsupwsup fucking gangstaz heer yooooo dat toy story 3 homeboiii


"It’s not like I intended on this.. falling for you again. It’s not like I want it. All you do is break me, but when I see you, it’s like I forget all that. I forget about the heart you’ve shattered so many times and forget all of the pain I went through.. just for the chance of you holding me again. I miss you. I don’t know exactly why I do, but I miss you."

My cousin who's in Australia told me he heard there're no hot girls in ACJC.

I told myself I wouldn't think about you.... I should never trust myself.

(ultimately we're all the same our hearts are like a big stone wall with a huge hole in the middle and we're looking for something anything to fill it up and cement would be good but it's too unrealistic a goal to reach for so we settle for sponge and playing blocks and whatever will fill the hole temporarily but we know it won't work in the long run but it doesn't matter as long as it keeps the wall from crumbling for now)

Hey Amelia, if you see this, I really love you.
(I have 123 photos with you on Facebook so far, by the way)

Once upon a time, we were thirteen.
Braces, glasses, foreheads, whiny voices, crazy laughter, jeans and sports shoes, Adriano Huang and Chen Yi and Zhiyang and JJ.

My goal is to work at Starbucks. Seriously.

Starbucks is the best thing that happened to the planet. Other than JJ.

IT'S 430AM AND I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 3 TO STUDY FOR LIT WOOHOO thank you Wei Liang for the idea!