Nov 30, 2009

30 Nov – In the plane

I am…damn bored. Nothing beats Singapore Airlines. Cathay Pacific doesn’t even have games ): I miss my Mario and Pokemon.

I’m, like, watching Ice Age 3 for the second time. I never – NEVER – watch movies on a flight. That’s how bored I am. I was bored to tears during take-off, so bored that I actually wanted to strike up a conversation with the person sitting beside me – also on the CNA trip thingy – but I’m an antisocial loser.

Ice Age 3 is funny. :D

29 Nov – 5am

It’s 5am. I’ve been tossing and turning in bed since 1 and I haven’t slept a wink. I’m beginning to get a little restless although I still do feel tired. Stupid insomnia. Well I guess it’s no surprise, after my 44-hour-long sleepathon, but gosh I need to get up at like, 6am on Monday. And it’s been a long long time since i’ve woken up anytime before 11am.

It’s 5am, my dad has just left for Nepal (!!!), and the rest of the world is in a deep sleep, eyeballs moving around behind closed eyelids as the dreamers are in their Rapid Eye Movement stage. At this unearthly hour, I’d be waking up and getting ready for school on a normal school day. HAH, I’ve just graduated. :D

Pen and paper before me, with the dim light of the desk lamp and the gentle whirring of the fan accompanying me, I’d love to say I could launch into a thought-provoking, tear-jerking, non-rhyming poem, but I’m not that cool. Instead, the unromantic me is wondering: Poly or JC?

I hate that bloody argument. I’d rather go back to tossing about restlessly in bed than state my dilemma. I’ve blogged about it before. I still think Trinity sounds most appearling – but not to my parents and their bank accounts.

I’ve just eaten 2 fishballs, a slice of ham, a biscuit thingy, and a tiny tub of Petit Miam (or however you spell it) yoghurt. I sincerely hope I don’t puke again. Do ham and yoghurt go well together? It’s a well-known fact that the body converts the most food into energy in the morning, and into fats at night. Is 5am considered early morning or late night in body terms? I guess I’ve just put on all the weight I lost from throwing up again.

I’m yawning. That’s a good sign! I’ll go back to trying to sleep.

P.S. Every time I think about how I screwed up my English Paper 2 I want to pound my head against the wall. Pray I’ll get an A1 for English, friends, please?

One man


I've actually got three more posts to blog but I don't have the time to right now. I'm at the airport, outside the gate. Jollin and I are sitting on the floor armed with our awesome tablets, like homeless computer geeks. She's got a cold and I've got nausea, awesome.

Yesterday was fun - dinner at Jack's Place with Sumay and our twelve-year-old brothers. It's just another one of those Sundays after badminton at Boon Lay Sec (I don't do badminton anymore but the rest of them do) and Coach Haden and the rest. Sumay and her family usually comes up to my house to bathe and have lunch at Koufu before going home because Boon Lay Sec's super near my house. But yesterday, after lots of Audition and Rock Band, Mark and Chuen Wee wanted to go swimming so they stayed for dinner YAY! Lots of pictures of us being really stupid. I created a Rock Band guitarist called Miley Cyrus from Rome.

Lots to blog about. I don't know if I'll be able to get internet access in Hongkong. Will try. Byebye!

Nov 29, 2009

My hair hasn't dried, and it's been 3 hours

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

Nov 28, 2009

Before a blessing, Satan tries to grab hold of you

I don't know where my camera is so I can't upload the pictures now so I shan't blog about the sleepover now, but anyway I was really sick. Threw up four times during the sleepover and had a fever of 39.3 degrees. I didn't really mind the fever, but vomiting sucked. I hate puking. I hope I've lost at least 2kg from it. Ended up sleeping from 9am (Friday) to 9pm (Friday), and then until 5pm today. Sleepathon woohoo. I think I'm pretty much recovered already but I'm still too scared of puking to eat anything other than a small bowl of porridge, and I've got a splitting headache, probably from sleeping too much and sleeping with wet hair.

And I'm going to Hongkong on Monday morning. Don't worry Jollin I won't back out halfway and leave you alone in Hongkong. unlike what a friend's doing to me at church camp.

Nov 26, 2009

Black sheep of the family me

My brother got 265 for his PSLE!!!

I guess that means he's definitely going to RI. Carry on the family tradition my father started.

Yeah my PSLE score sucks if you compare my results to that of the rest of my family and extended family (especially on my dad's side), but whatever. I'm very happy for my brother because I know he was very anxious and there probably was a lot of peer pressure from his other Gifted Programme classmates (who do O LEVEL MATH FOR LEISURE WTH). I know my brother was under a lot of pressure because he already had an aim: to get into RI. When I was doing my PSLE I didn't have an aim; I didn't know what secondary school to aim for; at my time in my school we only knew about the schools around us - Jurong Sec, Jurong West Sec, Fuhua etc.

I remember being happy with a score of 243 and an A* for English on my way home when Sarah's mum called and told my mum that Sarah got 272 and A* for everything. I was like, so? She's a genius what.

And my brother really did work quite hard. He's reading the PSLE guides I didn't touch four years ago. I don't remember studying for PSLE at all, so I didn't expect much and didn't get much either - 243. I was happy with it because I really didn't have an aim then. When someone has an aim and works for it, he deserves to get it.

But I'm really glad I went to Crescent. If I'd scored better I probably would've gone somewhere else, but Crescent's awesome.

Congratulate my brother!

I guess Cuixiao and I are in the same boat now - Crescentians with Rafflesian brothers.

One of those crazy Gifted Programme people

By p6 brother, who's getting his PSLE results today, says,
"My friends do O Level Math, you know...
for leisure.

Maddie's blog.

It's funny how games we like to play actually expose our insecurities. In a world where many people feel unnoticed and inferior, we hide behind anonymous identities and take on the personality of one we could only dream of being in real life, in a perfect world. In reality, we're nobody. Once we turn on the computer screen, our dreams come to life. It's what game companies feed on, and it's no wonder people get hooked.

Just a random thought that's somehow related to this: When I go shopping, I always avoid the cool-looking shops, and shops with owners/salespeople who are well-dressed and in their twenties. The people there are most likely to judge me: an ugly, timid, insignificant girl who will probably walk around a little, pretend to be interested and leave. Online, though, nobody knows, and that's why I feel much more comfortable blogshopping. I hate it when I receive an item that's of a lousier quality than expected though.

In the silence of the night

I'm feeling slightly emotional in a weird way. Imagine what the Sun looks like during a solar eclipse: a dark empty void with little colourful bits of imagination and passion waiting to pour out in writing, but I'm unsure what. I just feel like writing something but I don't know what, like that time in the hotel room after prom when I sat there, pen and blank paper in hand, waiting for something to come. I hate mental blocks and I'll grab at any little spark.

I'm reading Dilbert comics. This book includes Scott Adams' own personal comments of the cartoons, written in his own handwriting at the bottom of the strips. I like it when someone offers a little insight into his personal life. It makes you feel closer to that person even if you don't really know him and it leaves you itching for more. I like it when a writer tells readers about himself on a personal level. It's not exactly at the level of intimacy - there's a hint of closeness but it's not that personal, and you wish you could find out more.

"Debris is hard to draw".
"It's hard to draw mud!"
"I've actually stopped breathing in elevators because I think it sounds loud".
"When I was a bank teller, I was robbed twice at gunpoint. I fantasized about beating up customers."
"My (drawings of) babies look like old men".
"I have to turn the paper upside down to draw Dilbert upside down".

For my own reference

Love language:
Word of affirmation
Gift giving
Physical touch
Act of service
Quality time

Nov 25, 2009

Always expect me to be late.

We were supposed to meet at 2pm at Boonlay MRT station.
...I woke up at 1.58. Yeah I really should start waking up earlier. I bet I'm going to miss the flight to Hong Kong.

We were actually supposed to go cycling in West Coast Park, but we ended up spending most of our time in Macs. Didn't cycle at all in the end because the rental rate is $10/hour. WTH!

MEGA long walk to the rental place and back. Or maybe there was a shortcut we weren't aware of. I never knew West Coast Park was that big. Apparently at the end of the park there's a field for dogs to run or something. We didn't get that far.
Lisa: This tree looks like it's from the... coniferous forest!
Derrick: Conical shape!
Lisa: Flexible branches!
....Howcome nobody mentioned needle-like leaves, which was the reason it looked like a coniferous tree in the first place?

The spinny thing! Derrick joined me for a while before chickening out because he was feeling dizzy. Muahahaha. Lisa was feeling FULL from drinking a cup of MILO from Macs (Omg, I want a stomach as small as hers) so she couldn't do it.
This triangle thing is so much less fun than before because they took the ropes on the second half of the triangle out so you can only climb halfway up the triangle now.

Nov 24, 2009

Eh bangla!

"You can't discriminate against someone just because he's of a different race, he's of a different religion and his name ends with Bin Laden!" - Bart Simpson

Outing with 6b'05-ers! Taman Jurong.
Photos HERE
My lousy bowling skills
Twins bowling in the same lane -.-
CAR RACING!!! So awesome. I haven't gone to an arcade in years. I miss this so much.
I love shooting games. I had Time Crisis 3 on my PS1 but we're on PS3 now and all my brother plays are Rock Band and Fifa.
Then we did the drums one oh I love this one. These four cmi guys did a song together (each person controlling one drum) and this was the score they got:
Dinner at Pizza Hut. We totally took up the entire restaurant because it's actually a take-away restaurant so they hardly had any seats.
The group picture we took here is with Jiaying.


Who wants to go for Wesley Methodist Church's Youth Ministry Camp from 17-20 Dec?
Singapore Sports School, $80.

I need someone to take my place. I really really want to perform with the Sec 4 Dancers for Anyhow Art but the rehearsals and performance dates clash. Please please please someone help me. Annie's going.

Nov 23, 2009

Save the dying Earth

(For comparison)
This is the average amount of paper each student wastes IN A YEAR.
Oh wait, this is only from one pile of stuff. There's another pile on the black table in my living room and another pile in my bedroom so this isn't even all.
And I'm not even counting the textbooks/workbooks/exercise books.


Nov 22, 2009

I want to play Audition ):

I GOT THIS COOL NEGG ON MEERCA CHASE!!!!! In fact I got them twice but I only managed to get a screenshot the second time.

Stupid Audition. I've turned to Icy Tower on Facebook and Neopets.

Sometimes being the cameraman isn't a good thing

I'm searching fervently through the JJFC, OB and City Harvest albums and I can't even find a decent one of myself.
(No joke okay - my JJFC album alone contains 7GB's worth of pictures and a few videos)

I'm planning to make a calendar thingy for the four of us in J4M. (It's going to cost, like, $100 or more altogether but I'll worry about the price later. Maybe I'll give up and think of another Christmas present for you guys). I'm just trying to kill time lah, I'm trying to download Audition. (HEH yeah I'm the loser)

The cover page's supposed to have a photo of each of us individually. Of course, selecting photos of the other three of them isn't a problem at all because I keep snapping shots of everyone all the time, I just can't find one of myself that doesn't look stupid.


MY AUDITION GAME ISN'T WORKING!!! It keeps saying that the song file doesn't exist so I can't freaking play. WHY!!!! AFTER TWO YEARS I FINALLY DOWNLOAD IT AGAIN AND I CAN'T PLAY IT?!?!?! HELP ME SOMEONE

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride

You'd never guess we were in Church eh?

Church was great. A guest speaker, Rev Casey Treat, talked about the core of your heart and it made me reflect a lot. A lot of us are believers in Christ, followers of the Word, but what lies in the core of your heart determines whether you really are a child of God or not. Like, you say you believe in God but His word isn't what your life truly is based on. Or if you believe that God heals but you also believe what the doctor tells you more, like, the doctor says your illness is terminal and so you don't think you will ever heal fully even though you know God is a healer. These show that you believe in God, but your life is not based on Him, He is simply part of your life but not what your life is about.

We believe in Him but our core strength isn't filled with Him or His word, and so when we ask for healing or for a miracle, we're more like beggars than believers. When we pray for a miracle when our life isn't really all about Him, we're more like hoping for something great to happen.

Are you simply a believer of Christ - is He a part of your life - or is He everything in your life, more than a part, such that you can depend on him wholly and believe the Word despite the other things the world/news/media/science/your culture says that contradict it?

I love Church. It's unfortunate that my mum won't be letting me go for services in the future. Nevermind, cell group's awesome too.

This is the size of the end of the bloody stiletto that made my toe bleed. The end's so thin leh. Pressure = force/area. A lot of force and such a tiny area. I don't even take Physics.

Won't you come?

I know the matter's pretty much closed and I shouldn't bring it up again, but I was doing some thinking without consciously doing it and I realised how insensitive and terrible I was that day.

And now that I've fully realised it, I want to say I'm sorry again, because this time I'm saying it with genuine feeling. If I were you guys, I wouldn't even have let myself in. And so I'm sorry, not only for writing the stuff down but also for taking the pictures. And asking to be let in in the first place.

I really am sorry and I understand. I know I was a total bitch - if ugly people are eligible to be bitches too.

I know an apology doesn't mean much, but I don't know what else I can do except to express my regret.

Nov 21, 2009

"Open your eyes", he said, and the blind man could see.

I suffer from temporary blindness.

Sometimes I get into an emotional rage and fail to see that I'm actually very blessed. I fail to see the beautiful people around me who care. I only hear my satanic, hate-filled thoughts screaming in my mind and feel the heat of the glares of others on me, magnified a thousand times by imagination. Because I cannot see, I react violently, maniacally, thrashing about screaming an angry plea but silently whimpering in my confusion.

And then when the darkness slowly fades away and I finally manage to open my eyes, everything's bright and blurry for a while - I feel a little better, I see light, I see comforting shapes, I hear comforting words - I still can't find my way out of the mess, but I'm getting closer to the end. And then when the blurry images become clearer and the shapes around me begin to take form, I see my friends around me, those who love me and truly care, those who stick with me through the trying times. When I couldn't see, they saw my desperation and stood by me, knowing that one day I'd recover from my blindness, my temporary insanity.

When I was blind, I thought I was alone - my defenseless self against the world that hated me. But when I began to see, I realised that there were friends beside me all along; I just couldn't see that they were there.

Guin, Maddie and Janice, thank you.

And Amelia, Jenna and Sumay. And then everyone else who has comforted me in one way or another.

And my ex. You helped me a great deal while we were still together. I knew that even when I felt ugly and friendless, there was still one person I meant the entire world to, one person who felt I was the most beautiful person ever. Once when I had cramps, you watched me sleep, crying the entire time. Once when I told you to take your gaze off me because I felt uncomfortable having someone stare at my revolting face, you refused to look anywhere else and gazed at me even more fixedly.

This reminds me, I said I'd post up my essay on Mirrors. Not because I felt it was very well done or anything, but because the first part explains how I felt after the breakup, and the second part talks about how I slowly got over it and how I will never hesitate to help anyone in the situation I was in. And I think it's something some people wouldn't find hard to relate to.

Anyway, the main purpose for this blog post was actually to blog about today. I don't really like posting about my day because I know it's boring, but whatever.

Despite the shitty day I had yesterday, I knew that today would be better.

Met Yaode at his void deck. Because I was late and he was later, by the time I met him it was time for me to leave for Xueling Laoshi's house already. Thank goodness the both of them live near each other. He accompanied me to the MRT station to meet Janice, so we talked along the way.

Our first singing lesson was... an experience. Had it in Laoshi's bedroom. We did our scales and measured our vocal range. My voice has become much, much worse. It's super airy now - which will become damaging to my vocal cords and might become permanent if I don't correct it - and my vocal range is really small. Yeah, my voice sounds really terrible now. That's what happens when you haven't sung at all in seven months (unless you count screaming to National Day songs in school).

Vocal class ended much earlier than expected so Janice and I went to AMK hub for dinner and to slack a little before cell group.

Crazy Janice and her friend had won twenty rubber ducks in an arcade earlier, so they split it among themselves. Had lots of mindless fun punching our bags randomly to produce the squeaky sounds HAHA.

Cell group was awesome. Jason led today, yay!

Sometimes bad things happen not because we sin, but because God wants to show Himself and His miracles by working them through you. I think that's awesome. Never doubt God when anything happens, whether good or bad. Always thank him whenever something happens - if it's bad, all the more the reason to praise Him. Much easier said than done, eh? I'm only human, but I will try. Surprisingly, I could do it really well regarding the second shitty thing that happened yesterday, but I'll need a lot more strength to do this when the really bad things happen.

I'm only human, but I'll try.

Dear God, teach me how to love. Teach me to like the unlikeable, to tolerate the intolerable, to accept the unacceptable with open arms like how you accept us all sinners even as we go against you again and again. As your child and a lover of Christ I pray that you will draw me closer to You, to be aware of my sins so that I won't repeat them, to love and forgive unconditionally like you do, and to do things with wisdom.

I'm a sinner through and through just like most of us, but God I pray that I will truly give my life to you someday, because I know that you can change me to become someone useful in Your kingdom. All a human can do with his/her own life is to destroy it with sin and human desires, but I know You can raise my life up to become one that's useful, one that You are pleased with. I pray I won't go against what You want for me, that I will accept it no matter how hard it is. I pray that You will take my life and transform it into something that brings You joy.

I need to retreat from the world

|| Karen || WWW.POLYORJC.SG says (12:57 AM):
you know, sometimes i know i don't blog very well and my posts have been rather shitty, but like
i love to write
and i want to improve
i want to be the best
like... how am i going to go into journalism and that shit
i think my standard of blogging is really worsening
like that my future how
i should just go to jc and do finance or smth

|| Karen || WWW.POLYORJC.SG says (1:00 AM):
but i don't see any future or happiness in myself doing anything other than journalism
but im not really good at it
i'm not awesome at writing and i'm beginning to suck at it
my ideas, my way or writing, it's all going down the drain

(Maddie) Leather-studded kisses says (1:00 AM):
maybe you lose track
you used to write bout random stuff that mattered to the World

|| Karen || WWW.POLYORJC.SG says (1:01 AM):
and i'm losing that touch
i can't do those anymore
but i love doing those so much you know?
i love doing it
i just dont have the inspiration anymore
when i try, i try too hard
i used to be able to do it all effortlessly
and with the inspiration
now i just dont have the inspiration and i just cant write well anymore
i'm so scared of losing that touch
but it seems like it's gone already.

you know, i think i'll post this up

Nov 20, 2009

Yaode, Janice, Xueling Laoshi, Jason & W412

It'll be a good day.

Yesterday I had two dessert-spoonfuls of cereal for breakfast, coffee at Swensen's for lunch and three Portuguese mini egg-tart thingies for dinner after the Hongkong trip briefing with Jollin.

Haha. I'm a damn loser. Even when I eat less, everything I eat has as many calories and as much fats as a proper big meal anyway. My ass is huge enough. But nah I'm not trying to eat less on purpose. It just happened. Shucks thanks to my Internet addiction I might have to skip lunch to meet YD. Aiyaaaa.

My back hurts where my left kidney is. Or something.

Today's going to be a good day


I love

Guin and Jenna and Cuixiao and Shermin and Maddie and Janice and God and therefore CHC and W412 and Carmen and my phone has run out of money so I can't sms Maddie to ask her if I can meet her earlier tomorrow.

Thanks Willie and Peter. And Darren Teo.

Nov 19, 2009

Biting the hand that feeds you

First that, now this.
Whose idea was it anyway, #2? I still think I have been great in doing what I was/would be doing for those two things and I wish you two parties all the best in doing those two things without me.

Reject enough?

Jessie, once upon a time you said I was the only loser you're friends with.
So now that you've erased me off your list your life's only full of winners now.

And you know, I bet that if a friend of ours hurt me damn bad, you wouldn't tell her anything like what you told me.

Amelia, I guess you're right.

I hate it when people I don't matter to someone but that person matters to me. To whoever's reading this, please tell me if you don't like me to avoid me wasting my emotions over you.

Met my 6B'05 mates at JWPS! I thought it'd be a total failure because people kept backing out at the last minute, but I think it was great.
Super colourful. I think it's great that they let us "decorate" the school. We did the mosaic thingies that are now on the pillars in the canteen. It gives each student a sense of belonging to the school.
2009 VS. 2005. Under the staircase, where we used to play Blind Mice.

Just a random note, I think we all looked much happier then. I wonder why. Primary school days rock.