Nov 21, 2009

"Open your eyes", he said, and the blind man could see.

I suffer from temporary blindness.

Sometimes I get into an emotional rage and fail to see that I'm actually very blessed. I fail to see the beautiful people around me who care. I only hear my satanic, hate-filled thoughts screaming in my mind and feel the heat of the glares of others on me, magnified a thousand times by imagination. Because I cannot see, I react violently, maniacally, thrashing about screaming an angry plea but silently whimpering in my confusion.

And then when the darkness slowly fades away and I finally manage to open my eyes, everything's bright and blurry for a while - I feel a little better, I see light, I see comforting shapes, I hear comforting words - I still can't find my way out of the mess, but I'm getting closer to the end. And then when the blurry images become clearer and the shapes around me begin to take form, I see my friends around me, those who love me and truly care, those who stick with me through the trying times. When I couldn't see, they saw my desperation and stood by me, knowing that one day I'd recover from my blindness, my temporary insanity.

When I was blind, I thought I was alone - my defenseless self against the world that hated me. But when I began to see, I realised that there were friends beside me all along; I just couldn't see that they were there.

Guin, Maddie and Janice, thank you.

And Amelia, Jenna and Sumay. And then everyone else who has comforted me in one way or another.

And my ex. You helped me a great deal while we were still together. I knew that even when I felt ugly and friendless, there was still one person I meant the entire world to, one person who felt I was the most beautiful person ever. Once when I had cramps, you watched me sleep, crying the entire time. Once when I told you to take your gaze off me because I felt uncomfortable having someone stare at my revolting face, you refused to look anywhere else and gazed at me even more fixedly.

This reminds me, I said I'd post up my essay on Mirrors. Not because I felt it was very well done or anything, but because the first part explains how I felt after the breakup, and the second part talks about how I slowly got over it and how I will never hesitate to help anyone in the situation I was in. And I think it's something some people wouldn't find hard to relate to.

Anyway, the main purpose for this blog post was actually to blog about today. I don't really like posting about my day because I know it's boring, but whatever.

Despite the shitty day I had yesterday, I knew that today would be better.

Met Yaode at his void deck. Because I was late and he was later, by the time I met him it was time for me to leave for Xueling Laoshi's house already. Thank goodness the both of them live near each other. He accompanied me to the MRT station to meet Janice, so we talked along the way.

Our first singing lesson was... an experience. Had it in Laoshi's bedroom. We did our scales and measured our vocal range. My voice has become much, much worse. It's super airy now - which will become damaging to my vocal cords and might become permanent if I don't correct it - and my vocal range is really small. Yeah, my voice sounds really terrible now. That's what happens when you haven't sung at all in seven months (unless you count screaming to National Day songs in school).

Vocal class ended much earlier than expected so Janice and I went to AMK hub for dinner and to slack a little before cell group.

Crazy Janice and her friend had won twenty rubber ducks in an arcade earlier, so they split it among themselves. Had lots of mindless fun punching our bags randomly to produce the squeaky sounds HAHA.


Cell group was awesome. Jason led today, yay!

Sometimes bad things happen not because we sin, but because God wants to show Himself and His miracles by working them through you. I think that's awesome. Never doubt God when anything happens, whether good or bad. Always thank him whenever something happens - if it's bad, all the more the reason to praise Him. Much easier said than done, eh? I'm only human, but I will try. Surprisingly, I could do it really well regarding the second shitty thing that happened yesterday, but I'll need a lot more strength to do this when the really bad things happen.

I'm only human, but I'll try.

Dear God, teach me how to love. Teach me to like the unlikeable, to tolerate the intolerable, to accept the unacceptable with open arms like how you accept us all sinners even as we go against you again and again. As your child and a lover of Christ I pray that you will draw me closer to You, to be aware of my sins so that I won't repeat them, to love and forgive unconditionally like you do, and to do things with wisdom.

I'm a sinner through and through just like most of us, but God I pray that I will truly give my life to you someday, because I know that you can change me to become someone useful in Your kingdom. All a human can do with his/her own life is to destroy it with sin and human desires, but I know You can raise my life up to become one that's useful, one that You are pleased with. I pray I won't go against what You want for me, that I will accept it no matter how hard it is. I pray that You will take my life and transform it into something that brings You joy.

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