Oct 28, 2010


(Theophilus-inspired: "And I want to thank God for my friends.")

Having to work with peers for A Level Project Work has resulted in a lot of strained friendships in a number of PW groups. I've witnessed a lot of bitching about groupmates, a lot of tension and annoyance at one another.

And because of that, I'm even more grateful for how my PW group turned out to be.

I remember shouting in disbelief and feeling hot agitated tears springing to my eyes when Mdm Ng announced that Chen and I were going to be in the same group. That was shortly after Chen had said that he was hoping he'd be in the same group as Karen the Saikang Warrior, because I'd be doing all the work (thank goodness that didn't turn out to be the case). I was a tad jealous at the group that had Amelia and Geraldine and other fun friends in it.

And now, although our work might not turn out to be as immaculate as some other groups', and although our group might not seem as dedicated to PW as the others, and although we're really last-minute, I can confidently say that I'm really, really happy with my PW group.

Chen and Nazi can be hilarious when they're with each other, and Nazi and Sarah are so hilarious together too. With all the jokes about Nazi's hair and perpetual drunk state, and Chen's horribly mean jokes ("I don't wanna eat bugs!") and Sarah's F-bombs. Sarah's and my exasperation when Chen and Nazi were on Facebook throughout the PW lessons, but we sorta get stuff done somehow anyway. Okay we are a very last-minute-rush-stuff-out group, but it was a good journey. We all went into panic-mode recently, and I haven't gotten more than 3 hours' sleep on a weekday in two weeks.
(OP-whacking at Chen's place, but we hardly got stuff done.)

So today was the Written Report submission day - we've named it Kanchiong Day.

We were still panicking and editing stuff in the morning, and we were only finished with the WR at around 2.15pm (thanks to OP prelims), around three hours before the submission deadline. Panicked and cabbed to Buona Vista MRT station to get the stuff printed and binded at Zap Zap Copy (for the record, the cab fare was $2.80) but the computers there were lagging or something, so we cabbed to Queensway.

Printing the colour copy cost us more than $60 while the monochrome copy cost us $4 to print.

I think we were all mentally malfunctioning; it was such a stressful time, yet we were laughing all over the place. Cabbed back to school and emerged from the taxi laughing ourselves silly because we were abusing Sarah's obligation to pay for the fare.

Then we realised we had binded the Group Project File's cover page to the WR instead of the WR cover page.

There was so much running around and frazzledness it was just so funny. Kanchiong Day.

It's just been an interesting journey. Some groups, I guess, consisted of people too hungry for that A grade, so they did whatever it took to produce the best work ever for PW, but friendships got strained in the process. I think in our group's case, we have been brought closer together. It's cool, and although PW is still a sleep-stealer and ultimate sucker, I'm glad for what it did for us.

Oct 27, 2010

The Lion King, and other age-transcending classics

I miss my childhood shows. Whatever happened to Hi-5 and Sesame Street? Once they were awesome. Now they're disappointing.

One day I'll rewatch all the childhood classics... except that my dad just sold his Lion King DVD ):

Number of hours of sleep per weekday since last Monday:
3, 2.5, 2.5, 1.5, 3, 2.5. I'm a sleep-deprived maniac. All for PW and Chinese A's. After Chinese is over, there'll be a Council GM (yay!) and then it'll be OP-chionging time, then CCAAB camp the day after our OP, then one day to finalise November camp stuff (because it's Hari Raya) before it's November camp, and then I've got my ELL internship, then a two- or three-day break before the class trip to Taiwan.

After the Taiwan trip I've got two days before Senior's Night where the Councillors will be helping out, then one blissful free week and then it's Christmas week and.....


We're going to be spending a lot of time and effort on the College Planner. Orientation's going to be really hectic too, but I'm going to love being a part of it.

I think I'm going to die.

Random note: It's 27 October 2010. Remember the spark I shared with a certain someone three years ago, someone who changed my life, whose life I changed. A year and nine months of sweetness and pain, and then a long time more of more pain. And I tore myself apart before beginning to piece it together again. And now I've moved on.

And then when I left I wondered how I managed to tolerate being in the room with you, so near, yet so far away.

Oct 24, 2010

It's a tough time for all of us

pray. pray. pray. hope for the best. pray. pray. pray.

We can't lose you guys. We just can't. I can't imagine how we'd function without everyone in this together. Without any single one, there'll be this deep void we'll never be able to fill.

"Will I cry if I watch it?"
"I don't know -"
"How can you stand watching sweet things like this?"
"- I know I will."

Okay um I mean straight hair looks better, but curly hair is fine.

Oct 20, 2010

Something I need to clarify

I know I still sound like I'm crazy over you, but... I'm not that much so anymore, really. My heart's healing after all the hurt you've unknowingly caused me. I'm getting better at managing my emotions, much better. Acceptance brings closure; I guess it's because I've begun to accept that things are very different from what they used to be, and I also know that nothing ought to happen between us - firstly, I'll die when things go wrong; secondly, I don't know if I can bring myself to trust you with all my heart after you've broken it so many times without even knowing; thirdly, I'm the kind of person who craves affection and needs to constantly know she's loved, and you aren't the kind to express your feelings like that.

I think I like to play with the beauty of words a little too much. Truth is, you still do hold a special place in my heart, and I know I still do feel quite a bit for you, but my emotions are much more stable now. I'm much more clear-headed.

I finally know what it feels like to like somebody without having the thoughts of that person flood your mind every second like a gigantic tide, sweeping away everything in its midst. This stability has come a little too late, though - I remember calling my pals to rant during the Promos period because you, the overwhelming pain in my heart, was all I could focus on. I couldn't study without the intense thoughts about you flooding my entire being. That was emotional instability.

So I hope you don't screw my life again, although if you do, I probably will very happily let you, forgetting everything I've just said here.

If you'd like to love me please

I love Tumblr.

Justin said (12:27 AM):
things change
gotta accept it and move on with life
life sucks, nothing goes according to plan

Things change, they don't go according to how we'd like them to. Life isn't about what we want; that only happens in fairytales, or if you're lucky. It's about what we get, and how we decide to react to it mentally.

I need higher levels of... serotonin. That's the neuro-chemical that makes you 'obsess' over and 'miss' the person you 'like' when you have low levels of it. My emotions have become much, much more stable, thank goodness. Acceptance, true acceptance, brings closure.

Things just sound horribly unromantic when you explain it scientifically. I like that.


Oct 17, 2010

I think I'm going crazy

It could be the day before my exams and I could be doing some hardcore mugging and if you wanted to meet me for a little while, just to chat and to chill, I'd make my whole day available for you. I know so because I wanted to do it, I was waiting for the opportunity, but of course you wouldn't have asked anyway. I told you I was bored when I was actually studying -I'd do anything, I'd free my entire schedule if you wanted me to. I would. Even if our little rendezvous doesn't mean a thing to you, anything more than chilling with a friend. It would mean so, so much to me.

In Sec 3 I went out with my ex every day of the Mid-years. That's probably why I failed three of the papers. It's just....... just. I don't understand how one can disregard all emotions and put everything aside just to study. I just don't understand. Thoughts of you were filling my head throughout the exam period, it was bad and the stress added to it. And you never, never knew.

Listening to Bon Jovi's What Do You Got and looking through your photos on Facebook and I'm grinning and grinning and my heart is melting and there are three words repeating over and over again on my mind.

"I love you, gosh I love you"

"Get over him, he's ugly"

- Binkai.

Here I am on a supposedly cheery Sunday morning, watching MVs of Chinese songs on Youtube (like the one I really like from Hebe, 寂寞寂寞就好, and 守护者, and 你不知道的事 by Leehom), getting all emotional and fighting back tears. They're beautiful, and the video of the Hebe song is beautifully painful.

Remember our airport madness? I felt so free, so comfortable around you. Remember the free bak kwa you helped me get when we went to the food fair to get a free lunch? Remember distance fares? "Couch potato is two words!"? Remember sitting together so many times in the theatre? I remember you asking me to go watch Change with you and then to get you at the dressing room when I was ready, and I remember being so pleasantly taken aback. Remember dinner on the last day when we walked out together to the void deck? "Karen you don't have to be sorry for feeling like you have to puke." How about Swensen's? I wish I could capture that extremely concerned expression you gave me when I wasn't feeling well, but now I know you do it to everyone anyway, but I don't care.

Remember allocs? I remember wanting to be the one bringing you to your spot, I remember gripping your arm very tightly without realising. I remember putting your hand into another girl's when both your eyes were closed. Remember the day we were both at level 3 of the library and we didn't know because your phone had run out of battery? Remember ACSI? Because I remember every second. Remember AGM? I do, I do.


I'm okay. I'm okay with it. I can accept that it was all in the past. That was a dream, now... lock it away.

On a lighter note, I've gotten myself a Tumblr!

Oct 16, 2010

Suddenly I need you now

The past few days were great. Since the exams I've been busy - going out with PRians and the Exco, and with AC games. I love the Exco and the fantastic times we have together, just laughing and laughing and having an awesome time, with Weiliang's gayness and Gerou's lameness and Alex pretending to be angry. Of course I love the PRians too, but I already blogged about that.

AC Games was hectic but quite a success overall I'd say. I was just thinking, on Friday there was nothing in school apart from AC Games which was managed entirely by the Councillors, so the entire school would be in chaos if the forty-three of us happened to skip school. (It'd never happen, duh, it'd just be very interesting to witness). There were screw-ups and injuries and it was mad hectic at the score tabulating area so there were some problems, but I'd still say we did have fun overall. I refereed for Dodgeball, the only ball game I guess I'm relatively good at, because I instinctively avoid balls (that's why I'm horrible at Captain's Ball). Refereeing was fun but tiring. After two full days in the sweltering heat, we've all got horrible tans and sunburns and disgusting T-shirt collar tanlines, ugh.

Anyway, the past few days were good. Busy. And I felt relatively alright around you ,which is good. And being caught up with other fun things takes my mind off the painful stuff. Life's been fast-moving and exciting these past few days but suddenly it's possible to just..plunge into blackness and strong emotions.

Oct 14, 2010

Fantasies and daydreams and the pain of them all

'People say that the bad memories cause the most pain. But actually, it's the good ones that drive you insane.'

Oct 12, 2010

Says John Lennon,

Imagine all the people living life in peace
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one

After Math I came home and slept for six and a half hours. Woke up at dinnertime, panicked and went to Starbucks to do some hardcore mugging for ELL; got a Caramel Frapp, followed by flavoured Earl Grey. Coffee doesn't work on me so I thought tea wouldn't either. I bought the tea at 11pm. Very bad choice.

Ended up getting less than 3 hours' sleep for a 3 hour paper. Whatever, I miraculously stayed very alert throughout. Thank you God.

Pau, Mingtow and I watched Devil; we went into the cinema late, it was dark and we were feeling a little frightened while going in. And then there was this sudden loud thud and we immediately shrieked and grabbed one another when the rest of the cinema was silent HAHA that must have been the most epic moment of the day.

Devil was okay. Looking back, it actually was quite a lame show. Then again, most of the time I was blocking my vision with my cardigan, so I wouldn't really know. Never have I said the f-word so many times in one and a half hours. I guess horror movies aren't really my thing.

It was kinda fun though. Watching the movie, I mean, not the swearing. It was a pretty lame show in the end and I'm not too afraid of gory stuff so I won't be having trouble sleeping tonight.

Alright, enough of one of those lame blog posts where you tell people how your day went.

It's just... today was a good day. I realised, when Binkai asked me how life was, that I hadn't replied with 'Good' and really meant it in a very long time.

Today was a good day. I really did have a good time with close friends who are genuine - there are very, very few people I really don't feel pressurised around at all, pressurised to hide certain feelings or hold conversations or keep up an image of who the other person perceives me to be.

And I had a small heart-to-heart talk with Mingtow - hthts are always refreshing - and I didn't feel like I was withholding any part of myself today.

No, actually, come to think of it, it's more like today was the first time in a very, very long while that I felt okay. Somehow, although you were still very much on my mind, I felt alright - no hurt or heartbreak or anger, which was strange. Today, I accepted that you don't feel anything for me anymore, and somehow I'm fine with it. And I'm actually totally alright with it being this way. This is the first time I'm saying it that I actually truly mean it. Usually, there'd still be that pang in my heart, that desire to delude myself - no, usually I'm in that delusion.

I don't want to get into anything that will cause me immense hurt later on, especially if it comes before the A's. So I'm grateful that you don't feel anything anymore; if you did, and things ran out of hand, I'd fall into that trap of sweetness, knowing that a torturous death awaits, but being too far deep in love to care.

It's been a very long time since I've felt almost nothing towards you. No surge of hope or happiness, no pang of hurt or anger. I didn't think it'd be possible.

Today your texts became friendlier again, and a little longer, a little more willing to chat, and I'm happy. They're still completely different from the texts you used to send me, and these are completely platonic and maybe even a little distant, but they're friendlier. And I'm hoping it'll stay like that.

Today, for the first time, I'm actually... okay with the current situation, with how you feel (or how you don't feel) about me and where we are as friends.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

Oct 10, 2010

Your versus You're; Their versus They're

I took a break from Math just to post this up.
Okay, what the heck, they're looking for English teachers who got at least a B4 for English in the O's! WHAT ON EARTH, Ris Low got a B3!!!!!
(By the way, she has a Wikipedia page. I'm not even kidding.)

So back to my point. Ris Low could have been a friggin' English teacher!!!!! B4 for English to be an English teacher? Seriously? This is the kind of standard we're okay with?

When I was seven I corrected my English teacher's misuse of the contraction "it's". I think it was something about a dog and its bowl. I'm not bragging. It's a common mistake, but to have that being made by an English teacher? No matter which age of kids they're teaching, schools should never settle for sub-standards. What will become of the future generation? And it won't even be our fault.

My brother and I are doomed.

Oct 9, 2010

With all the emotional turmoil you've caused me

in the past Heaven-knows-how-many-months

you ought to... I don't know. You ought to know what it feels like. Somebody ought to know what it feels like. I think all my listening ears have grown tired of my ranting about you. It's intense.

You've killed my heart far too many times for me to trust you. But me and my helplessness - I'll probably give you my soul, knowing I'm letting you let you crush it easily. And I'll die. But I'm probably too helpless to save myself from it now anyway. From you.

It already feels like torment to me, and nothing's even begun, really. If it really happened - and it really ended - I'll just die. Not literally, but literal enough.

People say I'm too negative, too concerned over the pain to dare to try and reach for happiness. But it's because the pain hurts so, so, much. Like now. I just can't focus on ELL, that's why I'm pouring this out out here. What if I let myself go and it all comes crushing back down on me one day? My life is screwed.

I need pills to cure emotional instability. Permanently. Recommendations, anyone?

Oct 8, 2010

I think I'm obsessed over the MBTI thing

Introverted (I) 61.29% Extroverted (E) 38.71%
Intuitive (N) 64.71% Sensing (S) 35.29%
Feeling (F) 70.59% Thinking (T) 29.41%
Perceiving (P) 66.67% Judging (J) 33.33%

The Idealist - INFP
INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Oct 7, 2010

But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

You've got me on your lips
At the foot of the stairs
With your fingers in my hair
Baby, this is it


You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may be pleasantly surprised at what happens.
(May be pleasantly surprised? They can tell my present but they can't tell my future.)

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

What do you say to taking chances;
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below -
or hand to hold -
or hell to pay -
What do you say?

(I think I'm too afraid to try defying gravity - but you, you could say the phrase and I'm helplessly yours.)

Oct 5, 2010

(while studying for Lit)


"Two weeks ago, he came up to my locker with flowers (daisies—they’re my favorite!) and chocolate and asked me to homecoming."

Too few sweet guys like this in Singapore.

|| Karen || 'Cause my heart is yours to have and
hold or break. says (9:58 PM):
gosh that'd never happen in singapore
can you learn to be a gentlemanly man? then at least there'll be one in singapore
BinKai says (9:58 PM):
it's singapore
singapore is f**ked up


I remember the Council Exco girls telling the guys how to be gentlemanly once. Ge Rou was like, 'And you must pull out the chair for the girl, and when she arrives you must stand up...'
And there was an awkward silence, and then
Alex: '...What the....'

Oct 4, 2010

Funny when you're dead how people start listening

My thoughts struggled to hold back while I was studying for Econs, and after the exam they just broke through the paper-thin walls of resistance. Overwhelming thoughts, all about one.

You're in my arms, and all the world is gone;
The music playing on for only two

I'm so afraid to be committed to love again. Someone just told me, why be afraid to commit when you haven't tried? But my trying comes at a very, very high price. My emotions are intense. Intense. When love leaves, I die. I really do. I remember crying all over the place once upon a time. Thank goodness I've totally gotten over any feelings for that previous person. Even right now, I could think of you - the present you - and listen to some sad song and cry. I really could. Nothing has even happened.

Yet it feels like it's all happened already, and ended. It feels like the story began months ago, and it's ended, even though nothing has even begun.

So close to feeling alive

Sometimes I think I'm worth more. And sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I think I shouldn't take love so seriously, because you definitely wouldn't seem to, and it'll just be me dying in the end. But I know in the end, I'm still entrusting you with my life. That's why I'm so afraid.

Why am I even talking about this? It has already ended anyway, I'm very, very certain you no longer feel a thing for ugly me.
You know, with all that emotional torment you cause me, you don't even deserve me.

I've never felt the lovin' of a man;
But ti sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.

I've got a picture of you holding my hand.

Oct 3, 2010

Hello, I spent the entire day on Market Structures.

"I know how it feels. I had my time with him, but it's over."
"Nevermind! You have a lifetime with me <3"

The little things people say that melt your heart in the middle of an emotional storm.

Oct 1, 2010

Life lessons

Most of my life lessons are either very emotionally painful, or expensive. Sometimes God has the mercy to allow me to learn through other people's mistakes. They both work very effectively.

There's this thing about the idealism we have - we view the little things very intensely, get very depressed over how things are not going perfectly, and believe the world is made up of all things good and nice, and a tiny 'vicious mole' that ruins that perfection is blown up into something overwhelmingly disastrous in our minds. Now, we attempt to correct that little flaw and resume perfection and wholesome goodness in the world, and the idealism we have makes us believe things will go the way we want it to. So then we make the biggest mistake ever - assume what we do will help things, or make people feel better.

Sometimes we don't realise that some things will work out on its own, it's okay. Some things aren't as big or disastrous as we make it out to be. It'll be alright.

Everything's a learning experience.