Jun 27, 2011

when you lose something you can't replace

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

reach not for the base metal but for the gold

as I look on and know that for me, nothing's gonna come my way anytime soon,
it's made even clearer to me:

Seek the Lord first. Before anything, everything else. Only when God is truly at the top, and when all other things - even your own ambition - fade away, will He then be able to do His amazing work in your life, and give you what you desire, things that will prosper you in unimaginable ways and help you reach more than your dreams - dreams that are from Him, things that will glorify His name.

4 & 5) Times where things were good / not good

4) Write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.
....woah, what?

Primary 5 and 6, maybe; ignoring the primary school infatuation nonsense (because people were saying he liked another girl HAHAHA and I asked him on the phone and there was a long pause before a small 'yes' and then a series of coughs HAHAHA), it was when I had Rachel and Teressa, and it was the start of my JJ craze. A clique transition, maybe; my P4 clique was separated now because of the classes and Rupini and Aruna were growing much, much closer to Didi (was that what we called her?) instead and I felt pretty much of an outcast and then Mandy joined in and then it was worse because we were an odd number and I was still the left out one and then Marilyn came in and we were like yay, it's an even number! And Marilyn and I were really close for a while and then wait, there was a hugeeee fight -
okay maybe it wasn't a time when things were constantly good.

Okay I've thought of one time. A time when things were going great, both in school and out of school, with the 2c1 dancers and the excited girls with a common love and a small dream. it wasn't a long period of time.

lingling, amelia and i usually take the mrt home together after dance practices; it’s unbelievable, the greatest memories i have of my sec 2 life took place there.
memories of ling saying random stupid stuff while amelia rolled her eyes sarcastically, of ling and i shouting “BYE CHENGCHENG!” as amelia got off at dover, of ling and i laughing whenever amelia lost her balance, of me pouring out my feelings to ling in the packed train, and realising that these were the best friends i could ever get.
and on the train after the last dance practice of the 2007 school year, amelia announced, “i don’t care. next year even though we’re all split up into different classes, we must still take the train home together okay.” :)

Gosh I love Crescent Dance and the 2c1 dancers. Nadine Joan Amelia Lingling Shermin and me.

5) Write about a period of time in your life where things were not so good.
Just one period?

Maybe the stretch in 2009 after the breakup and I realised I had taken that one person to be the center of my life such that I had no one else - barely any friends, really. The first day in, like, a year eight months and almost three weeks that I took the train back home alone, and realised the emptiness of it all. That was three months before the O Levels.
Getting a little out of hand in my conversations with another guy who had also just gone through a breakup, not in the sense that emotions were running too high too fast - we both didn't like each other that way - but other things were getting out of hand, and getting very, very hard to get out of.
Crying on the day of the Math O Levels. On someone else's bed.

Or maybe in 2007 when I didn't know what was happening to me when I felt like distancing myself from the sweetest best friend anyone could ever have, and then distancing myself from my whole group of friends in the process. Feeling very misunderstood and very guilty. But that was different because I made a new friend in the storm, and in each other we found a glimmer of hope.

Or maybe in end-2008, when I was struggling in Dance with my new post - and struggling with the gossip and the disrespect and that huge fight we got into on the day that was supposed to be a really special, happy one for me.


"They can make you say it, but they can't make you believe it... We've already won. As long as we love each other we've already won. They only have hate, and we have love."

"When something beautiful happens, you capture it as it's happening, thinking, 'I must remember this'."

"You can cry all you want tonight, but you cannot cry tomorrow"
"You cry every night. I've seen you. So why can't I cry tomorrow?"

Jun 25, 2011



O R I E N T A T I O N : D'ACLAND 2011

It's pretty awesome to look back at it all, at the fun everyone had and all the random people - even J1s from other JCs - who crashed our Orientation because it was so awesome. Because everyone knows it's awesome. We lived up to that, went ahead with a crazy theme inspired by Disneyland - with OG names like Cheshire, Frozone, Pumbaa, Zurg - and.... made it work.

Awesomeness from 2.10-2.36, Josh's Like A G6 legacy 2.37-around 5.20. Quality of the video's not very good; more stuff on Youtube!

Pretty awesome to know I contributed quite a bit to this awesome Orientation that all the JC1s will remember. Didn't do as much as I felt I should have as vice-head and the jobs of our Program I/Cs with all the crazy admin involved were so tough, and the Log I/Cs too, and we all put in so much, the Orientation adhoc and the OGLs, but it's pretty cool to know we each contributed something that made Orientation what it became. Including Shuzhen, Laura and Amelia who choreographed the dances.

The dances. Justin's alarm ringtone is Dynamite. It actually got us in such a good mood during June Camp when it jerked us awake from our nap. It's hard to find a ringtone that allows you to wake up, heart pumping and excited and happy. That's what dance does to you.

I wonder how many people actually read every page of the Orientation booklet, by the way. Probably a handful out of the batch of 800, but I like knowing I have the soft copy in my computer. And perhaps the magic I wrote of in the write-ups helped stir up someone's excitement and passion for d'ACland 2011 and the school, helped inspire a bit of love.


in desperate need of money

Please contact me if you want any of the stuff below, thanks!

Okay, don't judge me.

I'm gonna sell off a whole lot of stuff I happen to have. Most I bought with the intent of selling. The following Elf products are still in their packaging, sealed and all, $4 each:
(quantity: 2)
Darn, the days I still had my tablet and my handwriting font...

Collin Paris makeup box, new and unused, $25 (IT'S A STEAL):

Mini Bits hairband, $5:

Dang, there's this purple V-neck dress from Japan and black sequined sleeveless oversized-ish top that I got from other blogshops and are still in their plastic package thing, unworn, but I can't find suitable online pictures of them and I'm not about to take them out and spend half an hour taking good photos. Anyway, they're $20 and $12 respectively, much less than their original prices of about $30+ and $20 (I think), let me know if you want to take a look!

check out what i found.....

the days of my tablet pc

This was my old blogskin, done by Nadine in Sec 2... the last blogskin she made for a friend before her tablet mysteriously disappeared. Note it says "Karen and JJ sitting on a tree"...


3. If I only had 24 hours to live

I'd spend the morning at home reading the diaries I kept as a child and my older blog posts,
get my Malaysian cousins to come over and get into Universal Studios for free just to get on Battlestar Galactica,
make Ian/Ivan play me Tears In Heaven,
have lunch with Sumay & Sarah at the thosai place at Little India that Sarah and I used to go to a lot after Sunday school,
chat and photobooth with the both of them at Sarah's house, because I really love that place,
pay a visit back to my old church (St. Andrew's Cathedral) and sit in its peaceful atmosphere,
go back to JWPS with Rachel & Teressa and tell Mrs Foo, Mdm Beena and Mdm Pua how great they are,
go back to Crescent with Shermin and see Mdm Lim and Mrs Rupa and Mr Lee, go crazy on the lion dance drums & cymbals and, if Crescent Dance is practicing, shower Laoshi with love,
have dinner with my close AC friends (I'm not naming!) (...I can't think of a dinner place!),
revisit Red Dot Traffic Building with Jt, Janice and Maddie, and relive our OB fun,
go back and stand outside Universal Studios with my Council mates and watch the fireworks,
and spend the last few moments with them in the Council room.

And tell him (and him) how I once felt.

Oh and there'll be hugs all around.

Jun 23, 2011

Of forests and bubbles and high emotions

And the little memories of you, still untainted, still sweet somewhere in my heart, they get me smiling, grinning madly, almost laughing to myself -

I'm over it, over you, but the memories are fresh as spring: the spring of that little time we had

spring in the little random things you shared with me, in the times you opened up, in the day our friendship blossomed, our texts, your expression and our little night escapade,

Oh let me live, let me live in my head,
in my secret world of joy
and the memories that bring back someone who's dead

Jun 22, 2011

He loves us because of who He is, not what we've done

We unworthy people who don't watch our mouths and the filth that spills from it, who do things we wouldn't do if Jesus were a man standing in front of us. Our unworthiness - it's easy to doubt His love for us. I mean, love is a feeling. How can you force a feeling?
How can he always love us, even when we try to hide, when we do things that are wrong? How can he still love us all the same?

Hands were laid upon me; I didn't fall.

Apprehension. As I approached the front, His presence was suddenly so much more evident, like I had crossed an invisible boundary into a place where He was just...permeating the air. Like a bang to the soul. Wobbly legs, trembling hands, without realising. But I remember, as I stood in that line, the two words: I'm scared.

Those two words changed everything. I prayed for the apprehension to leave. His presence is something you hunger for - sometimes peace, or a crazy outburst of joy in the heart, or....like the soul has been doused with cold water and is suddenly awake.

I tried to put all my trust in God and Pastor MJ, but couldn't let go of myself. Not this time.

But I just started thinking about it. I remember the 2am nights I spent, all that effort, trying to get the gift that some people just get instantly without praying for it, without even knowing what it is. I think it's because God knows that with all the time and effort I put into getting it, I would treasure it more and remember how much I wanted it, to know He was always there.

But maybe, just maybe... He loves me a little less? Maybe I'm not as deserving? Maybe I'm just a bit more neglected; as I stand shouting in prayer, so is everyone else - maybe I'm unheard? With all my unworthiness and repeated mistakes, maybe He doesn't love me as much.

It's so easy to slip into that, especially because every one of us is unworthy. I was talking to Tim about it today, about doubting God's love for us. And about why God created us in the first place - God created us so that we could worship him? I mean, what?

I found this analogy.
It's like getting a bunch of pet hamsters (okay, because I used to own one).

You want hamsters because maybe you'd like to play with them, or maybe you like caring for something that's alive. And you train and feed and love it, but the hamster keeps biting you. Of course you'd just be waiting for the day the hamster will realise you're giving it love, and you're waiting for the day it will love you back, and make you happy and...stop biting.

Actually, I guess using cats would be a better analogy, because cats tend to be pretty free roamers and might not always show the owner their affection initially. You'll still love your pet all the same, even as it gets you into trouble and doesn't want to be held by you. It's practically your child, and you'll be waiting for it to love you back.

And because God created us and has known us since before we were born and has an amazing plan for each of us, He is our Creator. And because we are His creation, His love for us is not determined by what we've done, but by who He is. God cannot deny his identity as our Father, and hence loves us as His children.

It's easy to forget, isn't it? Remember the hamster/cat analogy.

when He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold

Mark 4:35

"Let us go over to the other side."

If you're expecting a breakthrough, you have to take a step forward - get to the other side. A breakthrough is a big thing. The leap of faith you have to take, the amount of effort and dedication you must put into it, is big. Things don't come easily. Our God is a God of breakthroughs, of miracles. But great things, like a faith and character of gold, come after trials and tests to prove you're worthy.

So they took Jesus in the boat and started out...
But soon a fierce storm came up. High waves were breaking into the boat, and it began filling with water.
Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Silence! Be still!" Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm.
Then he asked them,
"Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

It's so easy to rejoice in God when everything's going fine. When things are comfortable. But the Christian life isn't meant to be comfortable.

Does your relationship with God come at a price? If it costs nothing to you, it isn't true faith yet. True faith isn't comfortable. The relationship is trying, testing. There's war in it.
Following Christ is about commitment; commitment above comfort. How much are you willing to sacrifice for your relationship with God?

God is willing to give you so much. But He comes to you only when you come to Him. If we don't show him how much we want it, with fasting, constant prayer, dedication, sacrifice.... He wouldn't see it as the right time to reward us with something big.

There's nothing small about God. When God moves, He moves mightily. He can do so much in our lives. His impact, His presence sends us on our knees, on the floor, sends our hands and legs trembling. This is our God. He can bless us with so much... if we come forth as gold through the trials.

Through the hard times, will we trust that God is still in charge? Will we continue to have faith in His good work in us - that every trial is a test, a long test, and know that He wants us to hold on to His promises and come forth as gold?
Or will we ask why? Why, God, do you put me through this suffering? Why, God, did you leave me in this mess? Father, don't you care if I drown?

At the end of every seemingly unending trial... is a blessing, and honour in God's eyes.

Jun 21, 2011

2. The best friends I've had over the years

(Correction to my 15 facts post! I had braces when I was 12!!! Took them out in March '08)

Hard. I don't put friends into a category called "Best". Best is vague, and best sounds competitive. Exclusive. Not for friends. Closest friends sounds more friendly.

School friends

Lydia, the one kindergarten friend I was close to. We played at each other's houses. I remember going to her house - a lot of white, I think it was some really nice condo - and when we were going down to go play, her grandfather (French!) opened the lift door for me and said "Ladies first!" I felt like a princess. Pebbled floor.
When we were six she moved back to France. I found her on Facebook again two years ago.

Yan Hua in P1 and P2; classmate, my first friend in primary school. I went to her house a lot, and our mothers would chat - her mum in Chinese, and then my mum in English. I remember her insanely fun computer game about snow and little math problems in between. We organised class picnics at the canteen together.

Rupini and Evelyn in P3 and P4; with Evelyn I shared an intense love-hate friendship. We got on each other's nerves; she refused to let me copy during Chinese spelling tests (but we both barely passed). I also remember us jumping in the puddles on our way home together. Rupini and Yan Hua didn't like each other. Once we were lining up at the quadrangle; both wanted me to line up with them, pulling each of my arms towards themselves.

P5 and P6: the legendary Rachel & Teressa. I wrote in my diary about sitting beside "a nice girl called Rachel" when I was the table row leader and she was assistant (HAHA), and Teressa was part of the Teressa-Raymeo-Karen-Derrick perpetual-note-passing-at-first-row gang. Rachel and Teressa were already best friends before; they introduced me to JJ...and started my never-ending journey of JJ fandom.
And we've stayed strong till this day. Awesome picnic on National Day; spent the 2011 New Year sleeping over at Teressa's place (just like old times!); we spend every Teachers' Day together, because it's Teressa's birthday (and near Rachel's). Our friendship's a blessing.

Sec 1 & 2: I had a clique - Nadine Jiayi Yimei Lingling Silvana and sometimes Amelia.
HIDAMARI. That's what we thought the keychain was called. We loved them. We named our clique after it.
Their limbs fall apart easily, but never the head. We tried.
The only time I was truly an extrovert. In Sec 2 I had a fall-out with Yimei because of something I called a 'virus of my mind'; I just suddenly couldn't take being around her anymore. I hated myself because Yimei was the most caring lovely friend anyone could ever ask for. So I distanced myself from The Hidamarians, hoping Yimei would find comfort in these friends.

In my confusion, I found comfort in someone else who was in crazy friendship problems too, and we just stuck. Shermin. Like finding shelter in a raging storm.
Her Chinese name was 诗敏; the first word means poem. My Chinese name apparently means 'soothing melody'. We wrote songs together - she composed the lyrics, and I the tune. Our most iconic one would be the first, 失恋的滋味. We recorded them with my tablet PC in this room in the Arts Conservatory where our SYF props for Dance were kept.

Upper Sec: the lovely Cui Xiao. I was a lonely kid in upper sec (but I didn't care because I had my ex). She's not the kind of person you'd expect as a closest friend, but she's insanely enlightening in the little thoughts of hers. It just...opens up your mind. The way she thinks is amazing, great for someone like me. I just met her earlier this month for dinner!

JC: In class it's Amelia; we share almost every break which is weird because hardly anyone else does (hooray for no Chem / H2 Math!), so we have lots of htht time in the void deck; best thing's that it isn't crowded because the rest are having lessons!

And of course there's the Council, and the Exco - 'nuff said in all my other posts. I guess the closestestest would be Reuben, Emme and Pauline (because she's also my foster sibling, together with Fangjiunn and Seokhoon) and Weiliang. But the others - Jaslyn, Jus-smurf-tin, Geraldine, Chloe, Van and alllllll the others. All of us.

There was JJFC that helped me through my very angsty Sec 2 period: firstly, Jacey, and then JT, Janice and Maddie - the four of us joined OB Music Forest (JJ's music company's school) together, and we were evidently inseparable. The day before our audition to be in the singers' training course, we gave ourselves a name - J4M; JM stands for 杰迷 or 'JJ Fans'; but it's really 'JMs 4 Music'. We were an acapella group (I was the harmoniser). And....we were the only people JJ gave an A to. HEEHEE. Later on an omy.sg interview, he said J4M was the one that left him and the other judges with the deepest impression; he didn't expect acapella from a group of 4 girls whom he knew were his fans. HEEHEE. It was super shiok seeing 'J4M' appear in front of his face on the screen. OMG.
We still meet sometimes, at church and stuff; I'm closest to Maddie now.

And last but not least....... THE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS
(our parents and the rest of The NUS Choirmates meet up every Chinese New Year & Christmas. We've known one another for longer than we can remember.)


Sarah. We went to Sunday school together and had countless sleepovers at her place. Her awesome pink room and armchair and every other pretty thing inside. I loved her house. I watched her golden retriever grow up. We watched Britney's videos and concluded she wasn't wearing undies; we played random computer games like Graal; we experimented with dark purple nail polish and body glitter (SHE STILL HAS THAT GLITTER STICK IN HER HOUSE); we spent two hours in the bathtub (until her grandmother got worried); omg we staged plays for our parents hahahahahaha.

Sumay. I wasn't as close to her initially, but we did have sleepovers in primary school too. I remember her condo's swimming pool. We and our brothers took up badminton when I was about 12 or 13. (I sucked.) It's interesting that I used to see Sarah every Sunday morning, and then it became badminton with Sumay every Sunday morning. We were there for each other every stage of our lives. I know the names of her primary school crushes and her classmates and all the stress she's been through. I was there for her through her breakups; she was there through mine. I remember crying at Boonlay MRT station while she consoled me through the phone: "You've got to be strong. You can't turn back now. You have to stay strong."

And it's great to have childhood friends. Sarah and I went to Australia (TOGETHER! ALONE!) in the first week of this June holiday to visit our other childhood friend Audrey. Which reminds me, I haven't blogged about it!
Sumay and I still meet and make sure we're updated with everything about each other's lives - it's been quite a feat, actually; we're not in the same school, not in the same level, yet we know everything. It's been much harder to update each other about everything now that we're in JC, but we have our ways. Today we wrote down on paper where we'd like to see ourselves in 30 years' time. Today we exchanged straw hearts.
Why can't I rotate the pictures?!

yay, I'm blessed, I'm blessed.

Jun 19, 2011

June Camp 2011 completed the cycle

"Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself.
When you become a leader, success is all about growing others."
- Jack Wel

I grew a lot in leadership in Council over the past year, and being a TRIC this time round was a privilege to me: to be able to pass on all that I had gained, the most important being the strong passion. From receiving to giving. What the juniors will come to realise is that being a leader is not all about leading per se; rather, it's about helping others grow in leadership.

1. 15 facts about myself (or rather, truths?)

A fact and a truth aren't really the same thing. Can I post truths too? They're more interesting.

1. I actually took up ballet classes when I was 6 and quit a year after. They never actually really did ballet anyway. I only remember jumping around to beats. And seeing a male ballet dancer. SEXY TTM. I remember that man, he was in black, doing ballet. I've always thought male ballet dancers were manly and hot, never feminine. If you do it right it's really hot.

2. I love musicals and concerts. Okay the only big real musicals I've watched were Chicago with the AC dancers (amazing, amazing) and The Lion King (seriously beautiful). But I'm a lucky kid whose parents have showered me with a lot of exposure to the arts in little performances and plays and concerts!!! Esplanade, Singapore Indoor Stadium... I love performances.

3. The first time I wore a tank top was in Sec 2. Before that it was solely tees and jeans.

4. My orthodontic journey began when I was around 10 when I had to put retainers because my teeth were too crooked for braces (IKR?)! Braces for three years from P6 to Sec 3, and retainers forever - I just wore them again today for the first time in months, and it HURT SO BAD.

5. Before I fell in love with JJ thanks to my primary schoolmates Rachel and Teressa, I was an Avril Lavigne fan.

6. My kindergarten centre was NUS Faculty Club Childcare Centre. Awesome place, bigggg with playgrounds and we got to go for outings and make noodles and draw clouds and other amazing things. Apparently it's very expensive now. I do have a lot of memories from that place. There was the person you'd call the 'gang leader', she was pretty and everyone followed her, but she shunned anyone who was different: a dark-skinned girl called Joan and a girl with specs called Rachel Ho. I always tried to play with them a bit before the leader came along. The one day the 'leader' wasn't around, everyone was mixing around with everyone, which delighted me. I asked her 'apprentice', the one who was always closest to the leader, why she was playing with them and she said 'it's okay, she's not around now'.

7. I'm still using the kiddy POSB savings account, the one with the baby pink bankbook with rainbows and bears on it HAHAHA DANG THIS IS BECOMING A SECRET-REVEALING SESSION! Dad refused to let me change to the normal one and let me get a bank card 'cos I'll spend it all in a matter of days. But I'm 18 now yay so I have to go get it changed.

8. I've been in one relationship. It lasted a year and nine months.

9. I'm an introvert. INFP, yeah the whole world knows, but not many expect me to be an I.

10. The kind of movies I love: thriller-centered action, suspense, sci-fi. Inception, Black Swan, Legion, I Am Legend, The Day After Tomorrow (OH AND HARRY POTTER WHO DOESN'T LOVE HARRY POTTER) - things that get your heart pounding, things that get you thinking.

11. In the past two years, I've really only liked one guy. Thank goodness all that ended long ago, and we're friends yay. (oops awkward sorry if you see this don't feel awkward!!)

12. I haven't had a birthday party / celebration since I was in primary school. Doesn't matter lah. Just so happens that my birthday always falls on/near the mid-years or something.

13. If God hadn't placed Guin in my life, if not for Crescent Dance and the chance it gave me at leadership, with space to fall and make mistakes (but not without its tough times - the tough times I went through trying to be accepted and respected as discipline mistress, while knowing they were bitching about me behind my back) where I grew tremendously, I would never have considered anything like Council. Or even OG Rep and Class Rep.

14. I actually consider myself pretty socially inept. I look back at my previous photos' captions and the way I commented on them and my blog posts and my responses to certain things and I think to myself 'wth...if I weren't myself I'd think I'm some weirdo who really cmi'. It's a continuous looking-back process. I hate how embarrassing I am sometimes. socially awkwarddd

15. I was quite an extrovert in Sec 1 and 2. In Sec 2 my life was a huge mess; I turned to introversion and rage at the world and rebellion in interesting ways. Sec 4 was spent being an emo loner, especially after the break-up and all when I realised I didn't really have close friends in Crescent but it didn't matter when I had the one person I took to be my whole world, and had never bothered to foster close friendships with my schoolmates as a result. In JC1, during Orientation, I decided to turn my life around. It did work for a while, and then emoness and confusion set in again at AC and its acidic, vicious / unforgiving ways (or that was how I felt). But then with Council, I found hope and a life again.

....16. I'm actually Grade 6 on the piano, although I play Grade 4 songs and I'm really actually very bad for a person of my grade. I stopped in JC1. I should go back to it I guess.

This is fun. I could go on. BUT ARGH IT'S 2.05am why is it that since Week 2 of the holidays I haven't slept before 2am?! It's the holidays dang it! I should stop going online.


as if I don't have enough to blog about, right? I'll try, I'll try, see if I get around to finishing it :P

1) Post 15 facts about yourself.
2) Write about the best friends you’ve had over the years.
3) If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you want to do?
4) Write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.
5) Write about a period of time in your life where things were not so good.
6) When was the last time you were truly honest with someone? What was it about?
7) Post your favorite quote.
8) How do you feel today?
9) What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?
10) What’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you?
11) Write about the best day of your life.
12) Write about the worst day of your life.
13) What are your plans for the future? Far and near.
14) Post your favorite book, favorite movie, favorite band, and favorite food.
15) Write about something you worry about a lot.
16) Write about your relationship status.
17) Bullet your day.
18) Post one confession/ secret.
19) Write about your last birthday and how you plan to spend your upcoming birthday.
20) What did you eat today?
21) How has your life changed over the past year?
22) Find a horoscope site and post yours.
23) Post your Tumblr crushes.
24) How was your week been?
25) Write about your favorite music artist. (Very similar to 14)
26) Write about your religion.
27) Where is somewhere you would want to visit?
28) If you had three wishes, what would they be?
29) Write about any particular habits/mannerisms that you have.
30) Where do you think you’ll be in 5 years?

Jun 17, 2011

the bus stop at emme's place (should've taken a picture!)

To have nobody to hold on to -

I'm standing at the balcony watching the cars go by.
My new home. It feels like a resort, a chalet. So beautiful, yet... so foreign; not mine. Behind the beauty lies a hint of loneliness.

All of a sudden I feel completely alone. A couple of room lights on here and there in the next block, but where's the laughter and the music and the children with their grandparents?

Beyond this busy city road is a dark forest. The noise and lights are a mask, a distraction, hiding this huge black mystery. Lonely. There's the facade of hype - busy roads, zooming cars - suddenly a second of silence. The loneliness of the forest screams at me.

Lonely. In this house that isn't mine, with the silent forest not too far away - silent but mocking, taunting, daring. On the road, the cars are running away, away from this lonely place they don't even notice. Leaving me here alone. Somehow the silence speaks above the noise of the cars.

Busy emotionless faces zoom toward and away in an instant; emotionless faces, places to go. The forest taunts. I'm alone. The busy road and busy lights can't hide the loneliness of the forest - and the loneliness of me.

Waiting for the one, the only one who brings back familiarity, the one I've always known, the one who drives away all loneliness with his warmth, to come with a hug from behind or a kiss on the ear, tell me we aren't alone -

wait, I haven't met him yet.

This illusion of familiarity. This loneliness - the forest beckons.

game over i'm walking away

it's just not fun anymore when the friendship's at stake

Guess it was fun when I couldn't see the end. Just running running running, and then I realise I'm at the edge of a cliff now; one more step and it's over.

guys and their egos ughhhhhh like you can't even give a bit of praise, you can feel their egos ballooning with their silly grin

Back at the start of this Council journey

...because, thanks to the fit I got into when I couldn't access all my Council-related posts, I spent 6 hours figuring out what was wrong and changing my HTML entirely just for this:


So, now that I can view all my Council-related posts,

I was looking back at the beginning - Council interview, one-liners, the beginning of my Exco journey.

Back to the beginning.

The day the 8 of us attended the 34ths' Annual GM, their last meeting, I wrote:

After the 34th Council's general meeting, Andrew Fok talked to the eight of us 35ths about it and as he talked I sensed his strong love for the Councillors and I felt really bad about the fact that they'd be stepping down from Council to make way for us new kids. I felt like it wasn't right. Who are we to be responsible for continuing the legacy the fantastic 34th Students' Council left behind? To let their strong bond and loud laughter and strong dedication be replaced by... newbies. I guess, like Andrew said, we'll grow to become like them someday - hopefully.

Letting go's always a risk the seniors have to take, a parting the seniors wish would never come. Somehow, during the GM, while watching the farewell videos and watching the seniors do the Council cheer, I actually felt... guilty to be one of those who were going to take their place.

I remember how I felt. Seeing how cheerful and bonded the 34ths were and looking at the videos of their times together made me feel guilty about taking their place. They didn't want to step down, they had created such a great legacy and it was left to us new ones to continue. I didn't feel as stressed as I felt apologetic. Weirdly apologetic, that these great bunch of seniors were going to leave, and they had no choice but to leave the rest to us.

Now we've risen up. We've made our own mistakes and grown, we've worked hard to make our seniors proud - and perhaps to tell ourselves (or myself) that the seniors' stepping down, their giving way to us, would be worth something. That replacing their laughter and their love would be our laughter, our love. It would carry on.


And it's time for our amazing bond, molded by tough times and celebrations and crazy dinners, to be replaced yet again. The seats in the LT where we have our General Meetings now, they'll be taken by another group of young, eager Councillors.

And the cycle of passion repeats itself.

It's good to know we've passed on the love for Council. Now it's almost time to let go, set a new batch free. They'll struggle, but if they keep their heads above the water, they'll survive - and they'll grow stronger.


All that effort I went through just to be able to view more of my archives / posts under certain labels. I've always been very annoyed about the fact that when I click on a monthly archive link e.g. January 2010, they only show me the posts from the last ten days or so of January. Today I learnt it's because they only allow a maximum of 1MB's worth of posts on a page, but I really wanted that Older Posts button so that I could view them all.

And then when I tried to view all my Council posts today - and realised that I actually had 29 posts that were labelled 'Council' but could only view 15 on my blog - I got too fed up. I tried changing blogskins and exporting and importing my blog into Wordpress and even using the ugly classic old Blogger skins, all to no avail. And then I switched to the new template.

This means I have a bit less freedom to play around with my blogskin, but because I'm a pro (or rather, because I don't know how to better manage my time) I managed to take this so-not-me Blogger template that I had to switch to and tweak the HTML here and there such that it looks kind of like my old one! YAY!

Now, on to blogging what I switched my computer on for....six hours ago. The reason I completely changed my blog html. It's 3.05am. Dang, I could have actually slept before midnight today. Hope I don't die at tuition tomorrow.

Jun 15, 2011

On our 35th last day of the 35th Council's reign,

we elected the 36th Exco.
(but we'll always be the 35ths)

Yup, now we have a mini-abi, baby smurf, princes wannabe, brownie, scratch, gangster, spider and chinaman III.

The 35th Exco had dinner at Burger Shack followed by dessert at Island Creamery, which held some sentimental significance for us because Burger Shack and Island Creamery were where we had our first dinner together after being elected (not counting the hawker centre dinner we had on our elections day itself) almost a year ago.

14 June 2011:

17 June 2010, the then-newly-formed 35th Exco (without Alex):

It's always beautiful to look back at your journey and how far you've come. A year ago back at Burger Shack and Island Creamery, I was closest to Geraldine and Wei Liang, a teeny bit awkward around the four SC1 Exco members, still very fearful of Kat and full of passion and excitement for the Council term that lay ahead of us. Not knowing what to expect and very unprepared with no prior Council experience, but very willing to learn, to make mistakes and grow. All I had was passion, really, and it was all I needed.

I look back on how much I've changed, how differently I see things now, and it's heartwarming really. Sometimes I notice a poster for a random event that has passed long ago and think to myself, "ah, they forgot to follow-up after their event. There are always three parts to an event, the last one being the follow-through. They forgot to look after the little things."

These little things, they get me smiling to myself when I realise how much I've learnt and grown. I don't remember anything from my Exco interview, other than how I kept repeating one of the only strengths I knew I had: that when I wanted something to get done, I would make sure it got done well, and be passionate and meticulous about it.
I started out with little more than passion and have gained a lot as a leader. I've gained a lot of very useful lessons and skills, taught with the help of invaluable experiences, coupled with all the love and care of my fellow Councillors, all the love anyone could ever ask for.

Now it's time to pass on the baton to someone else whom I hope will gain as much as I have. It hasn't been an easy journey but that's what made it so beautiful.

It's good to know that through June camp and all, I've managed to pass on my love and passion for Council. It's been the most amazing experience ever for me - and the other 35ths - and I can only pray for future batches of ACJC Councillors to experience and gain all that we have.

Now, we'll treasure our last few days in Council. It's all happening too soon, too soon. As Kat once said, your Council term is long enough for you to only fully learn how to be a good Councillor when it has ended. But that's the beauty of it. The entire journey is a learning experience, and I must say that the last leg of my Council term - June Camp 2011 - has been the highlight of it.

There's still Exco Retreat, of course, and that will be amazing.

Like we're approaching a drought, and we've got these last few drops of water: we'll treasure the last 34 days like that.

Jun 13, 2011

tell me, tell me what's going on

suddenly the world's growing further apart from you; your boundless ice island is cracking up, suddenly you're all alone, floating all on your own

Why do you feel so far away? I could just reach out my hand and touch you but you'd still be miles away

Don't drift so far, I keep telling you I'm here. You're always there for me. Why can't I be here for you too?

no, just close up on me like that, just close up on me, go be the elite, self-righteous, it's-lonely-at-the-top-but-that's-life friend you are. You may think you're doing your duty as a friend who's here for me, but by disallowing me to be there for you

there you go.

and you say as you strum that ukulele

But I only know a side of you, as do all the others. We all only know bits and pieces of your life, but never really the full picture. I don’t know the other people and things that make up your life, and it’s like we see different parts of you from different angles but never see you as a whole. I only know this little part of you; who’s to say the rest of your story won’t kill me?

"I’ve seen your vulnerability and all that’s within. The way you cry and try to cling on. Your life is drama, a dangerous thread you walk upon; it keeps some away, those who don’t know what to do when you lose yourself in your fragility. I know your pain, your fire.

I am not afraid.

Let me into your ring of flames. I can handle it. I’ll calm it, soothe it, give you peace. I’m not afraid of your dangerous vulnerability, like shards of distraught broken glass that threatens searing pain. I’ll learn your ways. Let me in."

You think you’ve seen all there is to know –
Welcome to a new world. A world of bleeding drama and black tears, of desperation. It’s my world, my world, like a dark, burning room. Your world’s too boring; a world you take in with your senses, not by intuitive energy. You think you’re prepared; I’ll show you, I’ll slowly let you into my little tragic room. I’m a helpless, dependent, frail doll. Slowly, I will learn to trust you, to let you hold me in the palm of your hand and control my every move. I surrender my heart, my screams, my tears to you. Vow not to drop me.

You’ve seen it before, you know, the times I broke down, shouting at the walls because I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. You’ve witnessed it, thought I was going mad, got annoyed because I refused to calm down. Because I let him take over my emotions and actions without him ever realising. Every little thing he said or did – or didn’t say or do – could send my heart soaring or crashing. Could send me back to the little dusty corner in the little room, pocketful of tears to burn. You’ve seen it happen.You know what he did to me, what anyone could do to me.

Now you’re willing to take that plunge.

Welcome to my world.

Jun 12, 2011


I remember sitting at the coffee table in the quiet living room one afternoon with the Exco form in front of me. Blank. Wondering what to say.

I remember texting Lianne and asking her what exactly Public Relations was about, and then she suggested I give her a call. I panicked. Twenty minutes later, I was pretty much in shock - I never could have imagined that this TRic could be so cheerful and friendly. She sounded, in fact, like a...normal person.

Now, I look back and deciding to run for the Exco was the best decision I had ever made. I talked to Sebby about it because I knew I'd have to give up AC Dance for Council Exco, and he told me that I was of more use to Council than to Dance. That was the reason for my decision, and what I told my fellow 35ths after the many rounds of voting for the position of PR head, that helped make up their minds as well.

I look back at my initial huge fear of Lianne and hesitation of dialing her number. Then on voting day, she walked out of the (then) blazer room to happily announce that I had succeeded her as PR head. After that the Exco seniors and juniors sat in a circle, me beside her, and from then on, I started to know her as an amazing, caring, nurturing senior, and not as a TRic.

And now I look back at my TRicing days that have just passed, its evidence in my still-hoarse voice, and it really was the highlight of my Council term. Passing down the passion, with the help of the infinite love and care and support of my fellow TRics and the adhoc.

It's a cycle, a beautiful cycle of tough passion that will only repeat itself,
and again
through the years.

Jun 11, 2011

Okay I haven't updated in forever

but that will wait until tomorrow, hopefully, when my laptop's internet connection works.

Four days with a princess and a smurf (and the diver and the supertanker) and all the care, love and madness in between: the highlight of my Council term - passing on all the love and passion I've gained.

This seed I've received I will sow

Jun 4, 2011

the dehydrated plant

I hadn't thought of my plant analogy from that angle.

And reuwlsmurf, they get me grinning insanely again. Individually, separately, one after another. Grinning, keeping myself from laughing at the computer.
I'm not dehydrated. Thirsty, yes, kinda, lacking, but life's still bright. Found a rope to cling on to.

these three have seen me in all my vulnerability. My nonsense that makes sense only to me. They're probably the only three that I've shown the full crazy fragile insanely dependent maddeningly vulnerable side to. It's not a pretty side. (then why're they all boys? I'm killing myself really, hahaha)
What would I do without them, without Council. It's amazing sometimes, the love of friends. Emme, Chloe, Pauline and all the rest...all forty-one of the rest. it's quite amazing to see how much they've brightened my life. If not for Council and the amazing friends I've made there, I'd be a very emo loner.

My life's been coloured. Bright crayons and beautiful rainbow sashes and glitter.

With friends like these who needs lovers?

Jun 3, 2011

the comfort of an empty house

when you've got tears to burn

like a plant. Like I'm a dying plant, all withering and shrivelled up and yearning for water, the life-giving water we all need a good dose of from time to time. I desperately need it. It's been years and I'm shrivelling up and dying. I need water.

And I see all the other little plants around me getting their good dose of water and growing, thriving, growing, all so full of life and beauty and a future

then there's me

like I know God's got a great plan in store for me that will come at the end of this tunnel, but I just hope I make it to the end with His strength. His strength; that's key. I think God wants me to learn to lean on His strength because I'm too weak to make it on my own. Once I'm strong enough in Him, beautiful things can happen.

Lord take me deeper in love with You

And thank God for great friends. Great friends I can always rely on, great friends I can randomly cry to, who won't shrug me away because they know I need them. Reu & WL and how they can make me smile again.

Thank God for Council and the love in the friends I've found there.