Today I went for my cousin's baby's first-month celebration.
I wore an electric blue dress. This was the second time I wore this dress - the first time I wore it was in this same house, the day she got married. My brother and I happened to be somewhat colour-coordinated again. We stood at the porch, bracing ourselves for all the aunts we were supposed to greet, and we mused about how in ten years' time, this was going to be us. In ten years' time I'd be 31 and he'd be 27, and the baby showers and weddings would be for our own friends (and hopefully ourselves). My aunt despaired that none of my cousins were going to be doctors. My family sat at a table and talked about that morality course I did and the expectations of working life. My brother and I traded stories of the week in hushed tones, away from the crowd. On the way back we shared music, Ed Sheeran and Charlie Lim.
She still looks and talks like a university student, which makes me nervous. I'm supposed to pass through this ritual, too, not too long from now. Her friends were there, other young people with babies, and I thought: will that also be us in ten years' time? My Council friends and me, my college classmates and me, gathered round in a house with our kids running into table corners and demanding to see the koi in the pond? Who the heck are we going to marry?! Roi, Welly, Abi, Emme - where will we be, and whose rings will be around our fingers? Will Alex and Geri still be together, and together for life? (Please get married, y'all are so sweet)
And will we remember these days, too, the 7ams on the bleachers sleeping on our schoolbags with our skirts too long and our hair too neat; the days we watched the football boys practice and mused about how love was a war and "we are veterans"; the days my friends skipped lunch break to hold me as I cried. The late nights in bedrooms and common lounges talking about Aristotle and morality and life; the 4ams we discussed theology and cried and prayed; the days we tried to use words bigger than ourselves, and the days we jumped on bouncing castles. The days we travelled, a bunch of schoolmates sharing our love stories in a Greek bar and lying on a Greek pavement to look at the Greek night sky. I think about New York and the first memory that comes to mind is of the night I missed my flight - me screaming falling flying towards carnival lights and Sabri laughing the most carefree laugh.
Will we look back and think of ourselves as kids? Kids trying to be all grown-up with grown-up philosophy, kids talking about Marx's fetishism of the commodity and the tyranny of bureaucracy like we understand this society, arguing for/against feminism in lengthy scribbles in the lift, kids puking in the corridor, kids falling in and out of infatuation. I have the habit of thinking of my past selves as far more immature, perhaps because I change and learn so much each year. But I also always think I'm stronger than I really am, more mature and disciplined, and I fall to the bottom and remember we are only human, we are still in many ways children.
Will we ever feel 'ready'? Will we feel ready to bring up another life, to wipe a child's ass and chide him for biting his fingernails, to explain why the sky is blue and why we should share our toys and why we cannot eat too much chocolate. Will we ever feel ready? I guess many people are never ready enough. Parents are also kids. Parents are also navigating a new world. We are always incomplete, inadequate. We will sit around cut fruits and cookies and our own children will befriend one another and we will fight with the person we're supposed to live with for a lifetime. We will throw things and words around. We will share our parenting woes and we won't know what to do. And there will come the day our children realise we are also only human, just like them. They will become disenchanted, and we will feel like we've failed.
When I'm married and my kids are teenagers will I look back at this and laugh at myself? I enjoy reading my primary school diary entries, that's for sure, and I'm quite ashamed at the weird kid I used to be but I still am one; I still say stupid things and dream stupid things. Also, I want to be a taxi driver, but I have to be at least 25. I want to travel. I hope I travel. I wonder if one day I'll be able to think of myself without deriding the immaturity of all my previous years, accept that we learn by trial and error, through elimination and scraped knees.
Showing posts with label looking back. Show all posts
Showing posts with label looking back. Show all posts
Nov 2, 2014
Oct 28, 2014
seven years ago yesterday
Seven years ago yesterday, I fell in love for the first time.
Well I did have that crush in primary school, which admittedly lasted longer than any of my relationships have - over three years - I even wanted to follow him to secondary school but my dad promised me a phone if I went to a girls' school. But just a crush is just a crush, an entirely different experience.
Yesterday when I woke up I was reminded of the date, and made a mental note that it'd be nice to do a post about it, but it slipped my mind, and now it's 2.33am; the day has passed so it shall be seven years ago yesterday.
Seven years ago yesterday, I was at a concert with a friend. We held hands playfully; nothing there. But something. Something. No one ever confessed or asked the other, but not too long after, we both simultaneously fell into deeper water, in tentative reciprocal "i miss you" texts and wide grins at phone screens.
Seven years ago minus two months, I lost my first kiss. We were in an elevator, the top floor of a building, the lift buttons unpressed. Suddenly the door opened without warning and a woman in heels walked in. We quickly pulled away. She pressed for the ground floor. That was the longest, most awkward elevator ride in my life. It was hard not to laugh.
Six years ago, I started to sleep with my phone under my pillow. Six years ago, I would often spend my time after school taking the bus to a house in Bishan and we would play with the dogs or play Runescape or just be with each other. It wasn't always pleasant. You see, the teenage phase is often wrecked by hormones; it's hard to leave unscathed. I was often dealing with a perpetually worried, perpetually insecure, binge-drinking self-harming victim of school bully, who would often spend our hours together just crying. Just crying. Why? Dunno. Worried about losing me. I said "stop drinking. Stop harming yourself. For me. Stop it because you love me." And it worked. And till this day I am thankful that this good thing came out of it.
Six years ago, I think, I folded 1314 straw hearts. Our birthdays almost coincided, but my present was very late, because 1314 straw hearts aren't easy. I counted them three times. Accompanied them with a glass bottle of M&Ms labelled 'happy pills', because the crying really needed to stop. (Yesterday I finally got around to buying loom bands at the market, and I made 8 bracelets. I've gotten hooked. It reminded me of all the other useless therapeutic obsessions I had, like friendship bracelets and small straw hearts. On our first year anniversary, I folded 93 paper stars with Chinese song quotes inside each one.)
Six years ago I accidentally sent a "goodnight babe" text to my mum. After that I deleted my mum's number from my phone in fear. Also, six years ago, my parents found out. They were furious. They said no. I had to let go. I tried very hard to keep from crying, but I said "I can't." And why? So much to say in response, so much to prove, and I blurted out "because I'd just die."
I hated how it came out, so childish and stupid. But what did I know, a fifteen-year-old; what did I know about keeping it cool and rationalising it out. We continued to spend every waking hour together anyway; there was never a train ride unaccompanied, a sick day without panadol at my bedside; there was never a text I had to wait for.
Six years ago, around this time, I came to church. I had gone to Sunday school as a child, but I stopped when I entered secondary school, and I prayed to the walls; never read the Bible; never let God be a part of my life; never thought about what it meant to believe. Six years ago, around this time, I first stepped into the building that is now my spiritual home. I was taken aback by how engrossed people were in worship. There was a God they knew and loved, a God whom I realised was a complete stranger to me. That night at the altar call I cried hard, out of a desire to know Him, and gave my heart to Christ.
It was very tough at the start. I was full of cynicism, questioned everything; it even got to a point where I prayed to just blindly believe. (Thank goodness God doesn't grant blindness to those who have received sight.) But as I grappled with frustrating doubts, God was also ever-present. There came the days of enthralling first love all over again. I cried at every cell group meeting, so moved by the tangibility of God. Answered every altar call, even the salvation ones. I read the Bible on the train to school and in the classroom during recess break. He gave me delight even as I questioned His word, and my own worth in Him. (Even up till last year, I didn't understand God's love. I still don't know if I do.)
And I guess as we run closer and closer to God, the things of our past selves just fall away. Or maybe the relationship just started to run dry, as so many do after a year or so. Five years ago, we began to argue every single day. No loud shouting fights, just cold exchanges. An hour later I'd be fine. But at the other end of the receiver would be endless crying, bottomless fear - it had started again. It frankly only annoyed me, and after a while, I couldn't be bothered anymore.
Five years ago, we broke up. I said "you need to learn to love yourself before you can love others."
Funny, because we seem to have switched places since. You have become a person so full of self-confidence and generous love. When I held that birthday fundraiser last year you donated $200 even though we hadn't spoken all these years. You have really learnt to love yourself. I, on the other hand, shrivelled up. You see, in that crucial teenage stage when you didn't know how to love yourself, you poured all your love on me; I never needed to love myself because you fed me with all a person needed. All that was meant to be reserved for yourself and more. When that was gone, I realised I was empty. And I have been empty ever since. In 2011 I wrecked myself over a boy, and it was my fault - I needed him in order to stand, and when he couldn't be my crutch I crumpled to the floor. Last year I clung on to a friend like my life depended on it, because it practically did. One day he said "I'm not going to support you until you learn to support yourself."
This year, I am a lot better. I have learnt to be okay with spending time alone, at least for now. I am learning to be independent; travelling and living alone have really helped. And I am treasuring the freedom of not being shackled to any person. I still don't know what it means to love myself, and I don't think I do, and I don't know if anyone can define self-love. But I'm learning to let me be enough for myself, and that's a start.
-
P.S. I still remember your phone number. I don't know if you've changed it. But somehow I feel like when you change it it'll be like a whole identity has been washed over; something tangible has disappeared; evidence cleared.
Well I did have that crush in primary school, which admittedly lasted longer than any of my relationships have - over three years - I even wanted to follow him to secondary school but my dad promised me a phone if I went to a girls' school. But just a crush is just a crush, an entirely different experience.
Yesterday when I woke up I was reminded of the date, and made a mental note that it'd be nice to do a post about it, but it slipped my mind, and now it's 2.33am; the day has passed so it shall be seven years ago yesterday.
Seven years ago yesterday, I was at a concert with a friend. We held hands playfully; nothing there. But something. Something. No one ever confessed or asked the other, but not too long after, we both simultaneously fell into deeper water, in tentative reciprocal "i miss you" texts and wide grins at phone screens.
Seven years ago minus two months, I lost my first kiss. We were in an elevator, the top floor of a building, the lift buttons unpressed. Suddenly the door opened without warning and a woman in heels walked in. We quickly pulled away. She pressed for the ground floor. That was the longest, most awkward elevator ride in my life. It was hard not to laugh.
Six years ago, I started to sleep with my phone under my pillow. Six years ago, I would often spend my time after school taking the bus to a house in Bishan and we would play with the dogs or play Runescape or just be with each other. It wasn't always pleasant. You see, the teenage phase is often wrecked by hormones; it's hard to leave unscathed. I was often dealing with a perpetually worried, perpetually insecure, binge-drinking self-harming victim of school bully, who would often spend our hours together just crying. Just crying. Why? Dunno. Worried about losing me. I said "stop drinking. Stop harming yourself. For me. Stop it because you love me." And it worked. And till this day I am thankful that this good thing came out of it.
Six years ago, I think, I folded 1314 straw hearts. Our birthdays almost coincided, but my present was very late, because 1314 straw hearts aren't easy. I counted them three times. Accompanied them with a glass bottle of M&Ms labelled 'happy pills', because the crying really needed to stop. (Yesterday I finally got around to buying loom bands at the market, and I made 8 bracelets. I've gotten hooked. It reminded me of all the other useless therapeutic obsessions I had, like friendship bracelets and small straw hearts. On our first year anniversary, I folded 93 paper stars with Chinese song quotes inside each one.)
Six years ago I accidentally sent a "goodnight babe" text to my mum. After that I deleted my mum's number from my phone in fear. Also, six years ago, my parents found out. They were furious. They said no. I had to let go. I tried very hard to keep from crying, but I said "I can't." And why? So much to say in response, so much to prove, and I blurted out "because I'd just die."
I hated how it came out, so childish and stupid. But what did I know, a fifteen-year-old; what did I know about keeping it cool and rationalising it out. We continued to spend every waking hour together anyway; there was never a train ride unaccompanied, a sick day without panadol at my bedside; there was never a text I had to wait for.
Six years ago, around this time, I came to church. I had gone to Sunday school as a child, but I stopped when I entered secondary school, and I prayed to the walls; never read the Bible; never let God be a part of my life; never thought about what it meant to believe. Six years ago, around this time, I first stepped into the building that is now my spiritual home. I was taken aback by how engrossed people were in worship. There was a God they knew and loved, a God whom I realised was a complete stranger to me. That night at the altar call I cried hard, out of a desire to know Him, and gave my heart to Christ.
It was very tough at the start. I was full of cynicism, questioned everything; it even got to a point where I prayed to just blindly believe. (Thank goodness God doesn't grant blindness to those who have received sight.) But as I grappled with frustrating doubts, God was also ever-present. There came the days of enthralling first love all over again. I cried at every cell group meeting, so moved by the tangibility of God. Answered every altar call, even the salvation ones. I read the Bible on the train to school and in the classroom during recess break. He gave me delight even as I questioned His word, and my own worth in Him. (Even up till last year, I didn't understand God's love. I still don't know if I do.)
And I guess as we run closer and closer to God, the things of our past selves just fall away. Or maybe the relationship just started to run dry, as so many do after a year or so. Five years ago, we began to argue every single day. No loud shouting fights, just cold exchanges. An hour later I'd be fine. But at the other end of the receiver would be endless crying, bottomless fear - it had started again. It frankly only annoyed me, and after a while, I couldn't be bothered anymore.
Five years ago, we broke up. I said "you need to learn to love yourself before you can love others."
Funny, because we seem to have switched places since. You have become a person so full of self-confidence and generous love. When I held that birthday fundraiser last year you donated $200 even though we hadn't spoken all these years. You have really learnt to love yourself. I, on the other hand, shrivelled up. You see, in that crucial teenage stage when you didn't know how to love yourself, you poured all your love on me; I never needed to love myself because you fed me with all a person needed. All that was meant to be reserved for yourself and more. When that was gone, I realised I was empty. And I have been empty ever since. In 2011 I wrecked myself over a boy, and it was my fault - I needed him in order to stand, and when he couldn't be my crutch I crumpled to the floor. Last year I clung on to a friend like my life depended on it, because it practically did. One day he said "I'm not going to support you until you learn to support yourself."
This year, I am a lot better. I have learnt to be okay with spending time alone, at least for now. I am learning to be independent; travelling and living alone have really helped. And I am treasuring the freedom of not being shackled to any person. I still don't know what it means to love myself, and I don't think I do, and I don't know if anyone can define self-love. But I'm learning to let me be enough for myself, and that's a start.
-
P.S. I still remember your phone number. I don't know if you've changed it. But somehow I feel like when you change it it'll be like a whole identity has been washed over; something tangible has disappeared; evidence cleared.
Oct 21, 2014
midnight weaving musing missing
i haven’t written in a while. i am in despair my creative nonfic pieces are a hot mess i don’t want to read my pieces out for goodness’ sake and there are things i were supposed to write for like i wanted to write about befriending strangers in poland and the tragic beauty of fleetingness like a rose and it is tragic it is as if he has died, as if i lived for three days, four, and a portion of me died
damn i miss poland, but a place doesn't make an experience as much as the people; as much as watching french-rapping old men in bill piel attire (collared short-sleeved shirt and berms) over beer with jack daniel evans and isaac nam
as much as braving the rain along the riverbank and then taking shelter under a piece of glass barely big enough to cover us both as he talks about watching my favourite movie black swan on the alps and some guy getting a heart attack
and then finding ourselves in a place so dull that they put an advert over it on the map
and especially the last night and that berlin story and growing up in tanzania and oh
the castles and the churches and the cobblestone path memories are so fragile so beautiful i could cry
maybe it’d hurt too much to go back
but then i’ll just hop on another free walking tour in hope of similarly fun company - but never as good, never as good; never have i clicked so well with someone and never again
i wonder what agape will be like when it comes; we can play around with half-assed love now, the fun of the flutters, but it’s nothing. it’s a mockery of something more beautiful. how much more beautiful? will i get to know? will he have a thirst for travel, will we be explorers together, explorers of ourselves and of each other, and will we be work on farms in new zealand and at that divine pie place meliartos in athens and will we be english teachers in japan and will we own a cottage in oxfordshire. will we breathe israel and eritrea and egypt. will we target the little islands. will we explore this country’s own little islands. will we be explorers. will he laugh on rooftops and in fields with me, guitar and beer. will he also be a romantic shithead. will he not mind me being around 24/7. will we cry together and lift our sorrows up to the Lord. will we work hand in hand, two hearts as one.
will i miss these days in dorm rooms, and the friends sleeping over. will i miss iowa with hamid (the most incredible days) and looking for fun on a dead monday night in philadelphia with sandra and chancing upon a karaoke bar and befriending the two dudes with a car. chris and alex? generic names. one of them was born in scotland and he didn't even know that their national animal is the unicorn. (one of their national animals, anyway.) will i miss amsterdam street with sabri sandra sarah, or the night these two guys tried to hit on us and we spent the entire night making them guess which countries we were from so that we could finish our beer and leave. no karaoke thanks. and i had to lie about my surname because i wasn't going to say i was a hoe. will i miss poland. i think i always will.
the first day i went on that walking tour in poland i befriended a guy from hong kong. can’t remember his name. can’t remember if he told me his name. we walked back towards the square together and halfway through he ran after a lemonade girl to try to hit on her, but she was attached. of course she was. she was absolutely beautiful. the most captivating eyes.
Jun 18, 2014
My Kindergarten Story
Kindergarten was a very rich experience. I was in NUS Faculty Club Childcare Centre, 9-5, where there were 3 playgrounds and daily afternoon naps and showers and Friday morning workouts and lots of cute creative exercises like lying on the grass and drawing the clouds.
My kindergarten experience was pretty political. There was this pretty girl, Connie, and everyone flocked to her. She was the leader of the pack of all the girls in the class - except for two girls who were "different": a dark-skinnned girl called Joan and a girl with glasses called Rachel Ho. I liked Joan and Rachel Ho, and I'd play with them until Connie came, and out of fear I'd say "I'll play with you later okay" and join the rest of the girls. Connie had a best friend, Rachel Ng, and the two of them would shun the 'outcasts' together.
There was always a proper way to do things: once when we all made noodles together and had to set the table we argued about which side the chopsticks should be on. Rachel Ng and I were on opposite sides of the table and we hadn't yet understood the concept that my right would seem to her like her left. As we laid it out they were chanting "single, double, triple, fourple..." and I was like LOL IT'S NOT FOURPLE but I didn't know what the correct term was. Once Connie tied the ribbon on the back of her dress all on her own, without looking, as all of us watched in admiration. And when we were drawing the clouds, I drew an elaborate one that looked like the face of a girl, and Rachel Ng sneered and went "Clouds don't look like that."
One day, Connie didn't come to school, and all of a sudden everyone was playing with everyone. I found this weird. I went up to Rachel Ng and said "I thought you didn't like Joan and Rachel Ho?" And she was like, "It's okay lah, Connie's not here today, she won't know."
At the end of our school year I made an autograph book, and I had instructed everyone to find their names in the book and put a little photo / write a message there. And Connie, Rachel Ng etc. found the page with Joan's name on it, coloured it wild with crayons as they laughed, drew a stick figure with a speech bubble that said "wo hen xiao" i.e. "i'm very crazy".
I feel bad about portraying Rachel Ng this way. She wasn't mean or anything. She had a very pretty smile and laughed a lot.
Just my kindergarten experience. I'm sure they're all lovely people now. My best friend in kindergarten was a French girl called Lydia, who returned to France in our second year. I also remember Rachel Ng biting into sugarcane and having her two front teeth fall out. I remember telling Benjamin(?? I don't think that's his real name, but he reminds me of my P1 friend Benjamin) that my dress had "spaghetti straps" and he said "Mm, can I eat them?" and I somehow found it very funny and flattering. And playing Street Fighters with Koh Ti Kiat as we sat cross-legged at the door waiting for our parents to pick us up.
And of course, that one time in Chinese class where our incredibly scary Chinese teacher asked if it was the 7th or 8th day of the month, and the class was divided in responses - "七!" "八!", and the guy next to me (Benjamin??) said "七七八八" (qiqi baba, a phrase to mean "chaotic / all over the place" which was very apt lol) and I repeated it louder: "hahaha, 七七八八". And then the Chinese teacher stopped and hollered: "什么七七八八?!" and I was like, shit. She made me stand in the corner behind the computer monitors as punishment, and I remember trying to hold back my tears.
Anyways, kindergarten was a great experience. I loved the playgrounds. I'm glad I had such a rich experience that taught me so much. Now primary school was also an incredible experience, and it'd take too long to write out.
My kindergarten experience was pretty political. There was this pretty girl, Connie, and everyone flocked to her. She was the leader of the pack of all the girls in the class - except for two girls who were "different": a dark-skinnned girl called Joan and a girl with glasses called Rachel Ho. I liked Joan and Rachel Ho, and I'd play with them until Connie came, and out of fear I'd say "I'll play with you later okay" and join the rest of the girls. Connie had a best friend, Rachel Ng, and the two of them would shun the 'outcasts' together.
There was always a proper way to do things: once when we all made noodles together and had to set the table we argued about which side the chopsticks should be on. Rachel Ng and I were on opposite sides of the table and we hadn't yet understood the concept that my right would seem to her like her left. As we laid it out they were chanting "single, double, triple, fourple..." and I was like LOL IT'S NOT FOURPLE but I didn't know what the correct term was. Once Connie tied the ribbon on the back of her dress all on her own, without looking, as all of us watched in admiration. And when we were drawing the clouds, I drew an elaborate one that looked like the face of a girl, and Rachel Ng sneered and went "Clouds don't look like that."
One day, Connie didn't come to school, and all of a sudden everyone was playing with everyone. I found this weird. I went up to Rachel Ng and said "I thought you didn't like Joan and Rachel Ho?" And she was like, "It's okay lah, Connie's not here today, she won't know."
At the end of our school year I made an autograph book, and I had instructed everyone to find their names in the book and put a little photo / write a message there. And Connie, Rachel Ng etc. found the page with Joan's name on it, coloured it wild with crayons as they laughed, drew a stick figure with a speech bubble that said "wo hen xiao" i.e. "i'm very crazy".
I feel bad about portraying Rachel Ng this way. She wasn't mean or anything. She had a very pretty smile and laughed a lot.
Just my kindergarten experience. I'm sure they're all lovely people now. My best friend in kindergarten was a French girl called Lydia, who returned to France in our second year. I also remember Rachel Ng biting into sugarcane and having her two front teeth fall out. I remember telling Benjamin(?? I don't think that's his real name, but he reminds me of my P1 friend Benjamin) that my dress had "spaghetti straps" and he said "Mm, can I eat them?" and I somehow found it very funny and flattering. And playing Street Fighters with Koh Ti Kiat as we sat cross-legged at the door waiting for our parents to pick us up.
And of course, that one time in Chinese class where our incredibly scary Chinese teacher asked if it was the 7th or 8th day of the month, and the class was divided in responses - "七!" "八!", and the guy next to me (Benjamin??) said "七七八八" (qiqi baba, a phrase to mean "chaotic / all over the place" which was very apt lol) and I repeated it louder: "hahaha, 七七八八". And then the Chinese teacher stopped and hollered: "什么七七八八?!" and I was like, shit. She made me stand in the corner behind the computer monitors as punishment, and I remember trying to hold back my tears.
Anyways, kindergarten was a great experience. I loved the playgrounds. I'm glad I had such a rich experience that taught me so much. Now primary school was also an incredible experience, and it'd take too long to write out.
May 15, 2014
ready
I couldn't bear to take my stuff off the walls until the last minute. I took a billion pictures of every single thing on my wall and it was never enough. I took down a couple of posters and the empty space glared at me. Couldn't do it. Couldn't do it.
Now all that's left on my walls are the glow-in-the-dark stars and lanterns, because I can't reach them. I went to sleep in what felt like a blank foreign liminal space and it made me afraid.
As long as my guitar's still here.
For the longest time I haven't been ready to tear down my room, my favourite place in the world & my refuge. Now that it's almost completely depersonalised I don't feel like staying in it anymore. But I'm ready for a new room. No more old photos on the walls; I bought a book that transcribed Neil Gaiman's Make Good Art speech and I plan to tear out the pages and put them up. Also, no more bed next to the window. It's going to be really different.
I'm going to be really different. For a long time I wasn't ready for juniors. This year passed really quickly and there wasn't time to breathe and reflect. But I'm ready now. I'm ready to close the year and go for a fantastic summer trip to the States and take time to be with myself, and come back a completely different person. Come back refreshed and new. Hang out with new people. Let no one make any assumptions from before.
For the first time in my life, though, I'm ready to be a year older. 21's a big number, and it sounds like independence, like knowing what to do and having certain set worldviews that emerge from your wealth of youth experience. I've never felt ready for any of my birthdays, because I never felt big enough for the number. But now I realise that you don't need to be anything, and you definitely cannot expect yourself to have anything set in stone; all that's important is that you've grown. And I've definitely grown and gained tremendously this academic year. My thought processes have been challenged and shaped right to the core, and I'm a very different person now from when before I started school. My opinions have become more nuanced and I'm far more aware that there is so much I cannot be certain about. And I also realise that what I think I believe is not necessarily what I really believe. Our declared values might just be what we forcefeed ourselves, a defence mechanism because we've gotten hurt, as a result of actually very different fundamental expectations. You say you don't expect anything from anyone, but maybe it's just a mantra you repeat because you've gotten hurt too many times when people didn't do what ought to be. And you realise why you still get hurt despite what you think you believe.
Anyway, I have learnt a lot about myself this year - in fact, it's been more of a deconstruction than a building-up. And I know that my worldviews will continue to change, and I'm excited for that. To constantly empty the furniture in my mind, to renovate and fill again, not necessarily with entirely different designs, but definitely more refined. And that's why I'm ready to be 21. I accept that I have come a long way this year, and that there is no end to reach.
Jan 6, 2014
2012 & 2013: A Review, in lists
Countries & cities travelled
Malaysia: Penang (with Maddie and FJ), KL (with Andrew & Sam / with family)
England and Scotland: Oxford, London, Edinburgh, Coventry, Stratford-upon-Avon, Barnet (with various awesome people, and mostly on my own)
Australia: Canberra, Sydney, and all the little towns in between e.g. Wollongong, Kiama (with family)
Indonesia: Jakarta (with SOT people)
US: New Haven (Connecticut), Boston (Massachusetts), Brooklyn & Manhattan (New York) (with school)
Greece: Athens, Ancient Olympia, Delphi (with school)
Nepal: Kathmandu, Pokhara (with family)
Wow, all except KL are first-times! That's what youth is for.
Jobs / internships
Teaching: Crescent (internship), ACJC (relief), City College (supplementary lessons)
Private tuitoring
Waitressing
Interning at the Yale-NUS Admissions Office
(okay, in 2010 I did a little something with Geraldine at Health Promotion Board where we had to record down various nutritional information of all the cheeses, sauces, milk, fruit juices etc. at NTUC. It was insane. I remember sitting on the floor being surrounded by soy sauce bottles and Geraldine just bringing more and more. Okay in 2009 I was hired to blog for polyorjc.sg which was hilarious. But I did a post about God and someone got furious and demanded we do something about it before he sued us, so they let me off the blogging contract but still paid me the full amount. Hey, I'm not complaining.)
(Shucks, I wanted to try working at a hotel and stuff, what happened to that?!)
Musicals, plays, etc.
Wicked
A Chorus Line
Some wacky Harry Potter thing
The Phantom of the Opera (in London! Best musical I've watched)
Some other comedy play in London that would've been funnier if we could get their thick accents
Cirque Du Soleil: Saltimbanco, Noir
Jersey Boys
Avenue Q (Off-Broadway, but still, NEW YORK CITY!)
Notre Dame De Paris
I probably missed out one or two... Still, though, the best musical in terms of visual experience was definitely The Lion King. Chicago, which I watched in 2010, was also fantastic.
Definitely have to catch Les Mis eventually, hopefully in London. I put the full blame on Theo for refusing to watch Les Mis when we were there, saying it was damn boring and he fell asleep and all. URGH should NOT have listened to you man. OMG it's showing on Broadway in March. And Rent is doing its 20th anniversary tour in London now!!!!!
Speaking of Rent...
AND I WILL!
No relationships, thankfully, but Frozen teaches us that love comes in other forms too.
In fact, I'll probably go back to 2011 for this, because a lot of people showed me love then, and I can't talk about friendships without thinking back to the AC days.
(NOTE: really long and not worth reading lol you can ctrl-F your name)
AC: Amelia and our long breaktime chats; Pau and the loving, amazing sister that she was (also the foster brothers FJ and Seokhoon yay); Derrick for being so bloody freaking selfless and such a lovely friend, bearing with all my nonsense; the entire exco - Abi and our occasional really good chats, Justin and just being there when I needed him, Emme's bubbliness and honest outspokenness, Gerou's love, Geri's sincerity (and how much she loves God after coming to Him only in JC! Another miracle I need to remember), Alex and everything that he did in the months that I was feeling down, and... the one and only Goh Wei Liang. My PR subcomm, all wacky and insane and with all its problems but heck yeah we were awesome, with special thanks to Rachel (much love), Jaslyn and Hyun. Ah, the three boys were always insane together, the life of PR. And Van was amazing too. And Yue Cong, ah everyone had such different personalities that came together so beautifully, I love you guys. And of course MR FONGGGG
It's sad that I only continue to keep in relatively close touch with Derrick and Wei Liang now - everyone's so busy with their new lives. But, considering the very sad fact that I don't keep in touch with anyone from Crescent anymore, perhaps two is enough.
2012 and 2013: Ruo Wei (and oi Haoyang!), Rachel and Teressa, Sarah and Sumay; Andrew and Sam; Willie and Ben and Daniel; Hsieh Wen (for always being so loving although I'm a bitch of a friend) and Yale-NUS - Kevin, for every single tiny and humungous thing (I could write an essay); Sau; Dylan; Wan Ping, Evan, Chris Tee; Ami; Pei Yun, Charlotte; Carissa, Janel; Baoyun, Yixuan; Denise, Joshua, Carmen, Aleithia, Anthea and all the rest of the amazing CF people (special thanks to Daryl for always being so reassuring and helpful and everything); the little things in the little moments spent with Val, Adrian, Sanjana, and also the lunch date with Kei. Subhas - we don't talk much, but the couple of times we've spoken are the times you made me banana milkshake because you felt I needed it, and the time I was looking really down and you sat me down on your bed to tell me that I had a very big heart but I needed to be strong for those who needed me. You, too, have a very big heart. Adlin, YOU'RE SO SWEET AIYO!! Ximin for our occasional but awesome chats, and for being with Regina because it's SO FRIGGIN' SWEET!!! Also, as much as I would like to deny it, Rohan and Theo - you've taught me a lot (more than I'd like to have to think about hard enough to be able to articulate).
I've probably missed out a lot of people and later on I'm going to go HOSHIT and scramble to add it in, but I am so so thankful for each individual in my life. I mean, I obviously don't talk to everyone on that list a lot - most of my time is spent doing school readings in Kevin's room in silence, right? But I'm thankful for every single individual in my life, even those I've only talked to once or twice, because you've taught me or reminded me of something, given me a memory.
I remember the little things - like Jolanda noticing that I was sad and giving me the sweetest note and chocolate; Keziah knocking on my door with tea and coming in for a chat - and the lovely things, like Carissa and Janel coming to sing me a song when I was down, and just, so much love. So much love in my life right now and I need to grow it more. I am so thankful, because there are all these people who like having me as a friend and who really trust me. And I promise that this year, I'll start forging closer friendships with these people, knocking on their doors too and reciprocating the trust and writing more post-its. There are so many people I want to get to know better, too! I'm really excited for the new semester. It's going to be hectic since I'm taking a course overload (Japanese on top of my four modules), but I am going to get out there and forge closer friendships because there is so much depth and love in each person in Yale-NUS. Gonna write more post-its.
Okay no seriously, there are so many people I would like to get to know better. This is crazy. Yale-NUS is an amazing place.
2012 & 2013: A Review (Part 3 - Yale-NUS and travelling!)
(Part 1: 2012)
(Part 2: first half of 2013)
July: YALE-NUS ORIENTATION
1) Singaporientation (album)
Honestly, I didn't feel all that ready to meet all these new people and be a bubbly hyper facilitator, because June had been such a hectic month and I was missing SOT and all. But Chris Tee was an amazing partner and I'm so glad for the time we had as co-facils and for the friendship that lasted beyond, and will continue to strengthen.
I can't really remember what the weekdays were like anymore - sample classes? Talks? The highlight was obviously the weekend, planned by the comm led by Jared. An Amazing Race to places like Haw Par Villa and Pulau Ubin; camping at East Coast Park; doing the mass dance in the CBD...
Other memories: walking around / food-scouting with Wanping, Chris Tee, Evan and Shaun; blueberry picking; Insomnia Cookies. Lying on the grass with Sheryl one night. And, of course, magically becoming closer to Kevin :) Okay but seriously. Nothing beats the hammock. I remember one day I was feeling all overloaded with all these classes I didn't understand, and climbed into the hammock and put on my earphones and let myself drift into the most peaceful sleep. (And then I woke up when I felt a push and Shaun was like "shit")
And going acapella with The Wallets (video) and doing Wondergirls' Nobody with Carissa, Janel and Charlotte LOL (video)! I don't know what evil powers got me to agree to do it with them, but I'm glad I did because our lovely bond wouldn't have been forged otherwise.
What else about school? Dressing up as the Greek goddess Athena for Halloween, bouncing castles, days where we all dressed wacky / dressed with our underwear on the outside / dressed in our PJs / dressed in our school uniforms, the opening of our student-run late-night cafe the Shiok Shack, performing with the Acapella group (a mashup arranged by Jevon for Halloween (video), Somewhere Only We Know for Tharman S. also arranged by Jevon (video), Seasons of Love for Snapshots). Watching three very good friends run their Comedy Improv workshops and shows. Christian Fellowship. Sleepovers with Carissa and Janel at the lounge. Random jamming sessions anywhere, everywhere. Being a sneaky angel and surprising my mortal with a bubble blower and flowers. Loving classes, loving my profs.
(Ancient Olympia!)
(Temple of Zeus, Athens)
Okay, so here's a memory: going back down after reaching the peak of our hike. It started SNOWING! Wait...was it snow? It was hard, and bounced off our down jackets. Okay, it was hail. But HECK IT, IT'S SNOW, OKAY?! And the ground turned white with hail-snow and I was just freaking out screaming IT'S WHITE!!! CRAP IT'S WHITE!!!!!!!!!!! and just getting so excited. And then we continued to descend...and then it turned into rain. And then it turned dark. So we were trekking in the forest, in the rain, being guided by a path of stones and soil-turned-mud, in the dark (thank God for headlamps / torchlights). That was pretty fun.
Also visited primary schools and orphanages - my dad's school had donated lots of stuff to them. The welcome was insane. Blaring instruments and beaming faces in a line rushing to give you a beautiful garland with a "namaste". I was honestly a bit scared, but it was lovely.
(Part 2: first half of 2013)
July: YALE-NUS ORIENTATION
1) Singaporientation (album)
Honestly, I didn't feel all that ready to meet all these new people and be a bubbly hyper facilitator, because June had been such a hectic month and I was missing SOT and all. But Chris Tee was an amazing partner and I'm so glad for the time we had as co-facils and for the friendship that lasted beyond, and will continue to strengthen.
I can't really remember what the weekdays were like anymore - sample classes? Talks? The highlight was obviously the weekend, planned by the comm led by Jared. An Amazing Race to places like Haw Par Villa and Pulau Ubin; camping at East Coast Park; doing the mass dance in the CBD...
but we shall not spend too much time on this because
2) YALE!!!
I've never been to the States before (I mean, come on, a round trip ticket can get me 2 MacBooks), and what better way to spend your virgin experience than with 150+ absolutelyfantasticallyamazingbrilliant people, for free? And it was just nothing short of amazing. (I've run out of adjectives.) We had a lecture, a seminar and a rector's tea every day - would've been far more enlightening if I had actually understood all that was going on, lol. Rector's Teas were like optional guest lectures, except that nearly everyone went for all of them, and I kept feeling that creeping sense of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out, lol Marvin Chun) whenever I considered skipping it for a lie on the hammock or a Shake Shack trip instead. Stupid me.
Other memories: walking around / food-scouting with Wanping, Chris Tee, Evan and Shaun; blueberry picking; Insomnia Cookies. Lying on the grass with Sheryl one night. And, of course, magically becoming closer to Kevin :) Okay but seriously. Nothing beats the hammock. I remember one day I was feeling all overloaded with all these classes I didn't understand, and climbed into the hammock and put on my earphones and let myself drift into the most peaceful sleep. (And then I woke up when I felt a push and Shaun was like "shit")
And going acapella with The Wallets (video) and doing Wondergirls' Nobody with Carissa, Janel and Charlotte LOL (video)! I don't know what evil powers got me to agree to do it with them, but I'm glad I did because our lovely bond wouldn't have been forged otherwise.
(the middle picture is of me using a spoon at Shake Shack cos it's so fantastically thick and creamy)
I also went to the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library and got my hands on the Wycliffe New Testament - one of the first ever handwritten English translations!!! And you can actually decipher the words!!! I spent an hour touching the pages and marvelling at the pencil markings and breathing in 700-year-old awesomeness. The one on the left is John 3:16!! Try deciphering it!! It's not hard!
The weekend trip to Boston was great - explored on my own a lot. I'll always remember sharing a mattress with 4 others in a room of 17 people, because budget, duh. Night-cycled around the city after our amazing lobster dinner!
New York was awesome too. Watched Avenue Q for $60 in the fourth row! I didn't do much in New York because we had the BLOODY FREAKING PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE INTERCONTINENTAL. LIKE WHUT. WHUT EVEN. (video) We also had Ban Ki-Moon address us at the United Nations Headquarters - just us, just 150+ wide-eyed kids. (album: Boston + NY)
Okay okay this has turned into an Orientation post - time to move on.
August-December: SCHOOL!!!!!! (album)
Have you ever met someone who talked so enthusiastically about school before? Especially about university, in Singapore? No? Well you obviously haven't met many people from Yale-NUS because school is amazing. Seminar discussions are engaging and enlightening; professors will talk about anything, but they'd rather let the students figure it out themselves; we have Science activities like figuring out the Egyptian King Tutankhamun's family tree with actual DNA information, and constructing a periodic table from alien elements on an alien planet. Essays on homosexuality and the nature of the human soul; debates on kidney-selling, bring it on. Bring it freaking on. Skits involving Greek, Hindu and Chinese philosophers, from walking into a bar to fighting to be a prof's BFF, reality-TV style.
Thanks to Tiffany and Maria I, we got to meet Sam Tsui and Kurt Schneider before their concert!!! We sat on the floor with them and talked about life at Yale, juggling school and music, music... We told Sam we were currently reading the Odyssey (since he majored in Classical Greek), and he recited the first ten lines in its original text to us! SWOON
And everyone's so talented!!!! Listening to Kei recite her poems, Jevon on the piano, Evan on the piano, etc. Watching Yale-NUS's first basketball game and cheering the debaters on at the Hong Kong Debate Open (two of them won individual Top 10s!!!) and sending our love to the MUN team in Mumbai. We have no coaches / trainers for our CCAs yet, but we fight with what we have.
But I must move on to
October: Greece!!!!
I still haven't gotten around to sorting through and uploading the photos on Facebook, but here's a poem (not a happy one), and blog posts one and two, which are only snapshots of the trip and not a comprehensive post. We went to Athens, Ancient Olympia (to witness the opening of the Winter Games) and Delphi, and basically saw a lot, a lotttt, a lot of ancient stuff. WHICH I LOVE. Finally being able to decipher a word or two of ancient stone inscriptions was amazing too.
(Ancient Olympia!) (Temple of Zeus, Athens)
Delphi was amazing. It was home to a temple where a priestess gave prophecies and was considered "the most important oracle in the classical Greek world" (source: wiki lol). It was a huge complex (being an ancient agora), and VIPs from all over the ancient Greek lands would travel all the way to this remote temple on a mountain for counsel before waging war on other cities. It's mentioned quite a bit in Herodotus's Histories, which is considered the founding Western historical text, and just seeing the word appear on the book made me all excited because like I'VE BEEN THERE. Delphi was breathtaking. It's like, you look at the ancient ruins and know that while this was the structure for the temple-marketplace thousands of years ago, it is nothing like it used to be; and then you turn around, and the mountains you're facing is exactly what they saw in 800BC, too.
Okay.
Now we arrive at December: so I went on my first hiking trip with my dad, brother, and three others - a two-week trip to Nepal, nine days of which were spent trekking up the Himalayan region. I haven't really blogged about it yet, and I'm still trying to find a way to retrieve my photos from my dead phone, but basically the trip highlighted the futility of all human activity. Like, we trekked to a guest house at 2500m elevation on the first day, and on day 2 they were like "our lunch place is there" and it was a mountain away, slightly lower than where we were standing. And I thought, oh, pretty much a straight road. WELL NO, there's no bridge that leads you directly from one mountain to another, so we had to go down all the way to the river, cross the river, and THEN climb up again. And it was a lot of climbing up and down. I remember one day we climbed 3000 steps to lunch, and then after lunch we went on a very steep downhill trek and then climbed upwards at least 2000 steps more (I gave up counting after that).
It was pretty insane, and it gave me pudgy muscular legs and a terrible complexion, but a really good experience anyhow. You know how the clouds always seem so impossibly high up? A plane takes you to the clouds, yes, but you're still in a machine that's magically transporting you there. It feels really good knowing that I climbed right up to the clouds. :)
Annapurna Base Camp, 4100m
Okay, so here's a memory: going back down after reaching the peak of our hike. It started SNOWING! Wait...was it snow? It was hard, and bounced off our down jackets. Okay, it was hail. But HECK IT, IT'S SNOW, OKAY?! And the ground turned white with hail-snow and I was just freaking out screaming IT'S WHITE!!! CRAP IT'S WHITE!!!!!!!!!!! and just getting so excited. And then we continued to descend...and then it turned into rain. And then it turned dark. So we were trekking in the forest, in the rain, being guided by a path of stones and soil-turned-mud, in the dark (thank God for headlamps / torchlights). That was pretty fun.
Also visited primary schools and orphanages - my dad's school had donated lots of stuff to them. The welcome was insane. Blaring instruments and beaming faces in a line rushing to give you a beautiful garland with a "namaste". I was honestly a bit scared, but it was lovely.
And after Nepal I had two days in Singapore before going to KL to meet my cousins for Christmas again. 7 out of 8 aunts, and a whole bunch of kids! Played I Never as usual, watched 47 Ronin at the stroke of midnight on Christmas. And it's just weird seeing so many small kids around. It's like we were the first wave of kids, and now it's the second wave.
Anyway , that's the second half of the year! On to more adventures in 2014!
2012 & 2013: A Review (Part 2 - first half of 2013)
(Part 1: 2012)
OKAY 2013!!!!
Jan: Experience Yale-NUS Weekend, this time as a facilitator thingy, since I was interning at the Admissions office. (blog post) I think Dec and Jan were my two months of six meet-new-people events, and I was really jaded. But EYW was fantastic, meeting all those amazing people! And Julia and Tutku!
I also started giving weekly 'O' Level English supplementary lessons at my church's private school, City College, under the tuition ministry. (For no pay, of course.) I loved the experience and meeting all the people that I did. They're all lovely people and unfortunately I can't teach for the first half of 2014 but I hope I'll be there for the second half!
Feb: Crashed ACJC Orientation with Sumay! (blog post) Was fun, but one of the girls said "You don't look 16...you look 20" and I was like AH DAMMIT. Watching Ruo Wei go from being a clueless OG kid to an OGL himself was just really nice :3 About the picture below: I was Jess Chen's OGL, and then when she was Ruo Wei's OGL I crashed her OG, and then when Ruo Wei became an OGL we both crashed his OG. Three generations of leader-crashers!
OMG RUOWEI IS GETTING HIS A LEVEL RESULTS SOON THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS GUYS HE'S GROWING UP i mean i still remember so clearly the time i was pretending to be a DSA kid and he was taking in all my crappy lies and he was like "Maybe we'll be classmates!!!"
Mmm, Chinese New Year was also fun. I remember my poor brother trying really hard to help Sumay and I take pictures and we were so demanding and my brother was like "aiyah no one even looks at you anyway!"
OKAY 2013!!!!
Jan: Experience Yale-NUS Weekend, this time as a facilitator thingy, since I was interning at the Admissions office. (blog post) I think Dec and Jan were my two months of six meet-new-people events, and I was really jaded. But EYW was fantastic, meeting all those amazing people! And Julia and Tutku!
I also started giving weekly 'O' Level English supplementary lessons at my church's private school, City College, under the tuition ministry. (For no pay, of course.) I loved the experience and meeting all the people that I did. They're all lovely people and unfortunately I can't teach for the first half of 2014 but I hope I'll be there for the second half!
Feb: Crashed ACJC Orientation with Sumay! (blog post) Was fun, but one of the girls said "You don't look 16...you look 20" and I was like AH DAMMIT. Watching Ruo Wei go from being a clueless OG kid to an OGL himself was just really nice :3 About the picture below: I was Jess Chen's OGL, and then when she was Ruo Wei's OGL I crashed her OG, and then when Ruo Wei became an OGL we both crashed his OG. Three generations of leader-crashers!
OMG RUOWEI IS GETTING HIS A LEVEL RESULTS SOON THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS GUYS HE'S GROWING UP i mean i still remember so clearly the time i was pretending to be a DSA kid and he was taking in all my crappy lies and he was like "Maybe we'll be classmates!!!"
Mmm, Chinese New Year was also fun. I remember my poor brother trying really hard to help Sumay and I take pictures and we were so demanding and my brother was like "aiyah no one even looks at you anyway!"
Also stopped interning at the Admissions office to give myself a short break before SOT.
Valentine's Day was fun - I tried baking orange chocolate cookies on sticks and bought flowers for the interns at the office and made cards yay! And then we went to Ikea with Aly. (blog post)
March - July: School of Theology!!! It was supposed to be till September but I had to stop for Yale-NUS. But I'll probably be resuming the course this year. Definitely an amazing experience, from praise and worship every morning to trying out various ministries (e.g. Children's Church) to learning so much more about the Word and just, just being in that atmosphere of love. I wasn't very close to my SOT team, but there's such a pure easy atmosphere of acceptance and love, of no judgement, of embraces and just love. LOVE! Mock Cell Group and Preaching Test sessions were also really fun, listening to everyone's own personal revelations.
I'm really glad Andrew was my batchmate, too; someone to chill out with during breaks and talk to and everything. I like to think I was sort of his backstage girl, too, like I am with Kevin now (link).
Each smiling face has so much within - it was amazing hearing all the stories each individual had to offer. Everyone's own personal struggle, gangs and drugs and griefs and family situations; how they came to God, how God turns things beautifully around; parents still against their kids being a Christian (very few of us are from Christian families); hard times with God and hard times without.
June: an insane month with camps / overseas trips every single weekend!
1) Went to KL with Sam and Andrew!!! We went church-hopping and it was simply wonderful.
2) Pre-camp for game masters and team leaders in preparation for our church zone camp, which didn't happen that month because of the haze.
3) Also went on my first mission trip to Jakarta for SOT, where we preached for cell group / leaders' meetings and stuff, and did door-to-door prayer visitations (this was INSANE, and draining, but a fantastic experience).
4) FACILITATOR'S CAMP IN PREPARATION OF YALE-NUS ORIENTATION!!!!!
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR...THE SECOND HALF!!!
YALE-NUS FINALLY BEGINS
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
...i think the awesomeness of yale-nus demands a separate post so i shall end here
Dec 23, 2013
2012 and 2013: A Review (Part 1)
I think I'm crazy for attempting to do this at 12am, so I'll just do 2012 now, and maybe 2013 in the next few days.
Jan - March: MOE Teaching Internship at Crescent, where I taught Sec 2 Lit and Sec 3 English. My Sec 2 classes were adorable. The novelty of a young teacher - they all wanted to find out more about me and stuff. I had some freedom to plan and execute classes my way, which was great because I had some flexibility although also a structure so I didn't have to start from scratch. Showed them Sungha Jung videos to learn about mood and atmosphere, let them listen to snippets from songs like Life Is A Highway and Hot And Cold to learn about metaphors, etc (looking back, this was also a great preparation for teaching English at City College this year). Also got to exercise a bit of old dance discipline mistress strictness when they got too relaxed, lol. [my Facebook album]
And, of course, got my A Level results and UK/US uni offers. I was really thrilled about East Anglia's creative writing director sending me a personal email to say he was 'extremely impressed' with my portfolio. I hope it was genuine.
First picture: I was at the MOE internship with Geraldine and Rachel Louis, and it was another working day before our A Level results release, so we got Macs and cupcakes to calm our nerves lol.
Second picture: My foster siblings came back to Singapore to get their results, so they stayed at my place!! Yay fun.
Also crashed Orientation for the first time as an ex-student - I crashed Jessica Chen's OG, since she was both my OG kid and Council junior (I'm so proud of her). Made friends and they were nice people, and became really good friends with Ruo Wei (and crashed his OG this year! Ah I feel like I should do 2013 tonight too, but no, must restrain.) Oh before the new kids came in the Council band also led worship at chapel again, but it didn't go very well.
(Hmm, where are my 2012 crasher Orientation photos?!?!)
And started giving tuition, which I'm still doing. In 2012 I had a lot of students. The ages range from 8-21, and I usually teach English. In 2012 it was more Sec 2 English for Express and Normal streams.
April: For two weeks, I relieved two GP teachers at ACJC across six classes. I think they were all JC2 classes, so one year my junior. For the first week I got to teach, which was really fun. I wasn't a great teacher and made some mistakes, but it was a good experience anyhow - giving them cheat tips, showing them the female genital mutilation video (lol), holding a debate... I didn't have the freedom of planning the lesson, but it was cool anyhow. It was also when I asked about their perceptions of homosexuality [link]. I remember I was invigilating a class for a GP paper and reading Angels and Demons, and when I get really absorbed in a book my head goes really far down so they thought I was sleeping lol. In the second week the teacher just told me to make them sit down and do their newspaper articles, so the students thought I was just lazy and boring. But relieving was fun anyhow, especially with Abi and Gideon!
(Second picture: Oh yeah, also, Valentine's Day was spent with these kids at the Titanic exhibition and then at Abi's house watching Titanic hahaha)
April - June: Waitressed at Shinji by Kanesaka. Emme asked me if I wanted to work there, 'cos her mum owns the place, and I took it up because I thought they needed the help. (I was wrong.) It was insane and really draining - three times a week I'd reach slightly past 10 with my hair in a bun and light makeup done, change into the kimono and clogs, and be at the main place at 10.15 to sweep/mop the floor, clean the chairs, etc. You had to be mostly invisible, yet perfect - stand quietly by the side with your hands clasped in front of you, occasionally checking to see if anyone needed their tea refilled, etc. I definitely learnt a lot, and I'm very thankful for the experience, but I wouldn't work in an atas restaurant again. I learnt a lot both from the working environment and the customers. Rich people. Interesting people. Two customer experiences I remember clearly are the time this guy was discussing the different universities (when his friend left for a minute I asked him how he felt about staying local versus going overseas, because I was choosing between my university offers at that time), and this other time these two guys were talking about Yale-NUS. They actually talked about Jim Sleeper, about how his posts were ignorant and ridiculous. When they were about to leave I told them I was going to go there, and we're a fantastic bunch, and we'd prove them wrong. He suggested we contribute to the Yale Daily.
I remember spending most of my working days looking forward to the 2.5h lunch break. Fantastic Japanese lunches by the chefs, and a nap on the floor of the dressing room. And then it'd be work again until about 10+ or 11pm, and I'd leave really tired, catching a late train home. Sometimes I'd treat myself to a Starbucks or McFlurry.
Also, I applied and got into Yale-NUS somewhere around this time, and went for the Experience Yale-NUS Weekend!! It's a weekend where admitted students are invited for sample classes, college-shaping activities (e.g. what you'd do with a $100,000 funding; initial student club ideas) and other things. Obviously the highlight of that for me was the 2-4am chat with nine others - Dylan, Kevin, Xi Min, Theo, Eugene, Rio, Amrullah, etc - and, needless to say, all ten involved that night are here in the inaugural cohort today. We just couldn't turn Yale-NUS down after that fantastic chat, eh? (here's the link to my post about the EYW) (GUYS IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN 1.5 YEARS)
Ah, and my birthday was shortly after EYW. Went out with Ji En for breakfast, Dylan for lunch...what did I do for dinner??? And Eugene for lunch the following day!
Oh, also, Ruo Wei's erhu solo at the Chinese Orchestra concert!
July: I got baptised! Start of the name Hannah, haha. Here's the reason I gave myself the name, so that no one has to ask anymore. I think I spent this month just chilling, after the exhausting waitressing stuff.
August - Jan 2013: Started work at the Yale-NUS admissions office with Ronald, Jared, Amrullah, Kevin, Ximin (and later, Sau)!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE best job ever; perhaps I stayed a little too long - should've tried out other jobs, but this was too fun. Managing the Facebook page, taking prospective students on tours of University Town, being given money to design the showroom suite with Jared (everything's still how I arranged them, including my photos / post-its / untouched Japanese self-study books / piano books / the f21 hat), it was all fantastic.
And of course, all the other fantastic Yale-NUS events - trivia night at Brewerkz, Paintball.. and all the informal Saturday gatherings - my place, Theo's birthday and bowling, Les Mis, etc.
August: Also went to Penang for the first time with Maddie. Stayed at Fang Jiunn's place and he took us around. I love the walls. And the wall art. And the char kuay teow!!! [my Facebook album]
October: Travelled to the UK for the first time, alone! For a whole month. Fantastic experience. Started in my mum's friend's vineyard in Oxfordshire (still the best 8 days of my life), then stayed with Geraldine in London for a couple of days and then at an apartment with Theo, and then Theo and I went up to Edinburgh and stayed at a backpacker's and Christabel took us around. Then Theo left and I went to Coventry to stay with Jaslyn at my initial dream university, Warwick (and it's a bloody beautiful place! Also went to Stratford-upon-Avon); then I stayed with Andrew's grandparents at Barnet, Greater London. I loved it. I love the UK. I loved walking around on my own. Beautiful place, beautiful atmosphere.
(the links are to my Facebook albums for the places!)
November: Went to Australia with my family and my cousin Ivan, because my dad was finishing his Master's there. We started at Canberra and drove through places like Wollongong and Kiama and ended at Sydney. I've been to Australia but never to these places, and it was also great. [my Facebook albums: Part 1, Part 2]
December: City Harvest Bible Boot Camp, Christmas in KL with the cousins as usual (I think), and NUS's Varsity Christian Fellowship Annual Teach-In Camp! It was a great experience - breakfast, workshop, lunch, workshop, dinner, workshop, supper. It's where I learnt about Islam and also how the Bible was canonised (how the 66 books came to be the 66 books over the years). Opened my mind to a lot of things. Also, the close reading on Colossians was fantastic.
Also the undercurrent stuff, ahem ahem lol
Jan - March: MOE Teaching Internship at Crescent, where I taught Sec 2 Lit and Sec 3 English. My Sec 2 classes were adorable. The novelty of a young teacher - they all wanted to find out more about me and stuff. I had some freedom to plan and execute classes my way, which was great because I had some flexibility although also a structure so I didn't have to start from scratch. Showed them Sungha Jung videos to learn about mood and atmosphere, let them listen to snippets from songs like Life Is A Highway and Hot And Cold to learn about metaphors, etc (looking back, this was also a great preparation for teaching English at City College this year). Also got to exercise a bit of old dance discipline mistress strictness when they got too relaxed, lol. [my Facebook album]
First picture: I was at the MOE internship with Geraldine and Rachel Louis, and it was another working day before our A Level results release, so we got Macs and cupcakes to calm our nerves lol.
Second picture: My foster siblings came back to Singapore to get their results, so they stayed at my place!! Yay fun.
Also crashed Orientation for the first time as an ex-student - I crashed Jessica Chen's OG, since she was both my OG kid and Council junior (I'm so proud of her). Made friends and they were nice people, and became really good friends with Ruo Wei (and crashed his OG this year! Ah I feel like I should do 2013 tonight too, but no, must restrain.) Oh before the new kids came in the Council band also led worship at chapel again, but it didn't go very well.
(Hmm, where are my 2012 crasher Orientation photos?!?!)
And started giving tuition, which I'm still doing. In 2012 I had a lot of students. The ages range from 8-21, and I usually teach English. In 2012 it was more Sec 2 English for Express and Normal streams.
April: For two weeks, I relieved two GP teachers at ACJC across six classes. I think they were all JC2 classes, so one year my junior. For the first week I got to teach, which was really fun. I wasn't a great teacher and made some mistakes, but it was a good experience anyhow - giving them cheat tips, showing them the female genital mutilation video (lol), holding a debate... I didn't have the freedom of planning the lesson, but it was cool anyhow. It was also when I asked about their perceptions of homosexuality [link]. I remember I was invigilating a class for a GP paper and reading Angels and Demons, and when I get really absorbed in a book my head goes really far down so they thought I was sleeping lol. In the second week the teacher just told me to make them sit down and do their newspaper articles, so the students thought I was just lazy and boring. But relieving was fun anyhow, especially with Abi and Gideon!
(Second picture: Oh yeah, also, Valentine's Day was spent with these kids at the Titanic exhibition and then at Abi's house watching Titanic hahaha)
April - June: Waitressed at Shinji by Kanesaka. Emme asked me if I wanted to work there, 'cos her mum owns the place, and I took it up because I thought they needed the help. (I was wrong.) It was insane and really draining - three times a week I'd reach slightly past 10 with my hair in a bun and light makeup done, change into the kimono and clogs, and be at the main place at 10.15 to sweep/mop the floor, clean the chairs, etc. You had to be mostly invisible, yet perfect - stand quietly by the side with your hands clasped in front of you, occasionally checking to see if anyone needed their tea refilled, etc. I definitely learnt a lot, and I'm very thankful for the experience, but I wouldn't work in an atas restaurant again. I learnt a lot both from the working environment and the customers. Rich people. Interesting people. Two customer experiences I remember clearly are the time this guy was discussing the different universities (when his friend left for a minute I asked him how he felt about staying local versus going overseas, because I was choosing between my university offers at that time), and this other time these two guys were talking about Yale-NUS. They actually talked about Jim Sleeper, about how his posts were ignorant and ridiculous. When they were about to leave I told them I was going to go there, and we're a fantastic bunch, and we'd prove them wrong. He suggested we contribute to the Yale Daily.
I remember spending most of my working days looking forward to the 2.5h lunch break. Fantastic Japanese lunches by the chefs, and a nap on the floor of the dressing room. And then it'd be work again until about 10+ or 11pm, and I'd leave really tired, catching a late train home. Sometimes I'd treat myself to a Starbucks or McFlurry.
Also, I applied and got into Yale-NUS somewhere around this time, and went for the Experience Yale-NUS Weekend!! It's a weekend where admitted students are invited for sample classes, college-shaping activities (e.g. what you'd do with a $100,000 funding; initial student club ideas) and other things. Obviously the highlight of that for me was the 2-4am chat with nine others - Dylan, Kevin, Xi Min, Theo, Eugene, Rio, Amrullah, etc - and, needless to say, all ten involved that night are here in the inaugural cohort today. We just couldn't turn Yale-NUS down after that fantastic chat, eh? (here's the link to my post about the EYW) (GUYS IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN 1.5 YEARS)
Ah, and my birthday was shortly after EYW. Went out with Ji En for breakfast, Dylan for lunch...what did I do for dinner??? And Eugene for lunch the following day!
Oh, also, Ruo Wei's erhu solo at the Chinese Orchestra concert!
July: I got baptised! Start of the name Hannah, haha. Here's the reason I gave myself the name, so that no one has to ask anymore. I think I spent this month just chilling, after the exhausting waitressing stuff.
August - Jan 2013: Started work at the Yale-NUS admissions office with Ronald, Jared, Amrullah, Kevin, Ximin (and later, Sau)!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE best job ever; perhaps I stayed a little too long - should've tried out other jobs, but this was too fun. Managing the Facebook page, taking prospective students on tours of University Town, being given money to design the showroom suite with Jared (everything's still how I arranged them, including my photos / post-its / untouched Japanese self-study books / piano books / the f21 hat), it was all fantastic.
And of course, all the other fantastic Yale-NUS events - trivia night at Brewerkz, Paintball.. and all the informal Saturday gatherings - my place, Theo's birthday and bowling, Les Mis, etc.
August: Also went to Penang for the first time with Maddie. Stayed at Fang Jiunn's place and he took us around. I love the walls. And the wall art. And the char kuay teow!!! [my Facebook album]
October: Travelled to the UK for the first time, alone! For a whole month. Fantastic experience. Started in my mum's friend's vineyard in Oxfordshire (still the best 8 days of my life), then stayed with Geraldine in London for a couple of days and then at an apartment with Theo, and then Theo and I went up to Edinburgh and stayed at a backpacker's and Christabel took us around. Then Theo left and I went to Coventry to stay with Jaslyn at my initial dream university, Warwick (and it's a bloody beautiful place! Also went to Stratford-upon-Avon); then I stayed with Andrew's grandparents at Barnet, Greater London. I loved it. I love the UK. I loved walking around on my own. Beautiful place, beautiful atmosphere.
(the links are to my Facebook albums for the places!)
November: Went to Australia with my family and my cousin Ivan, because my dad was finishing his Master's there. We started at Canberra and drove through places like Wollongong and Kiama and ended at Sydney. I've been to Australia but never to these places, and it was also great. [my Facebook albums: Part 1, Part 2]
December: City Harvest Bible Boot Camp, Christmas in KL with the cousins as usual (I think), and NUS's Varsity Christian Fellowship Annual Teach-In Camp! It was a great experience - breakfast, workshop, lunch, workshop, dinner, workshop, supper. It's where I learnt about Islam and also how the Bible was canonised (how the 66 books came to be the 66 books over the years). Opened my mind to a lot of things. Also, the close reading on Colossians was fantastic.
Also the undercurrent stuff, ahem ahem lol
Jan 9, 2013
Feeling thankful
Today, all of a sudden, I felt really thankful. Not the usual thankful-that-I'm-living-in-Singapore or thankful-I'm-alive stuff, but something a little more tangible.
I'm thankful I've been so protected, always surrounded by nurturing and loving people, growing up in schools that taught me how to love and live. But I'm even more thankful that I'm not ignorant or oblivious to others who haven't been as fortunate to have grown up in such enriching, positive environments. I've got friends in schools / classes where bullying and wrist-slitting are common, fifteen-year-olds sell condoms or offer finger f**ks for $5, Sec 2s are in boys' homes... Even in my church, I've got as many friends from ITE as from JC (excluding those from NUS since I met the NUS CHC group recently), and I realise how blessed I am to never have had to worry about not making it into the Express stream or to JC or university. It's a reality, and I'm always humbled when I think I could have been born into a different family and have been less lucky in my exams, ended up in an environment that was less enriching. I would probably have turned into a very different person; I'm not that strong.
Thankful that I grew up in a little neighbourhood primary school with some great teachers and amazing friends. Mdm Beena and Mrs Foo are the two teachers who impacted me the most, treating us kids like young adults, giving us issues to ponder about. I remember how I was the only Chinese girl who spoke English at home, and all the Chinese girls in my P6 class sat together for recess, and when I went to the table they'd all immediately code-switch from Chinese to English. And I loved my P4-P5 clique, where I was, for a year, the only Chinese - the things I learnt and the festivals my friends invited me to were always eye-opening, and they always treated me with so much warmth.
Thankful that I spent my preteen years at Crescent. Secondary school is usually a time of rebellion, but in Crescent, that energy is usually translated into insane enthusiasm and the warmth of a family. We had our own share of fun, and I'm so glad for the experience of a girls' school. Thankful for the teachers who pushed us so hard, for really value-adding.
Very thankful that I somehow do well for the major exams, despite not having to slog it out. Maybe it's the whole work-hard-play-hard thing; I only thrive academically in panic, and when panic sets in, I really start working hard. But the rest of the time is spent on everything except studying, and I'm glad that I haven't needed to be a slave to Singapore's education system in order to score well.
So thankful that I never had to worry about not being able to make it into a university. The JC system isn't for everyone, and I've got friends who were really worrying about not being able to make it into a university at all. People with the money have the option of going overseas if they aren't able to make it to the course of their choice here, but most don't, and for them, it's local or nothing. I'm not too fond of the mugging culture in the universities here either, and wanted to go overseas to really enjoy my university life. (But Yale-NUS came about, and I'm not looking back!) But really, in Singapore, they push you into a mould that might not necessarily be right for you. I've got friends who really suffer as a result.
I detest the stigma that my friends feel they're branded with as a result of this. Just because they're in the Normal stream, or they didn't make it to JC, or they didn't do well in the really difficult Singapore-Cambridge GCE 'A' Levels, they feel like they're a shame, they feel dumb, they feel undeserving. Put them in just about any non-Asian country in the world, and they'll probably still come out above average.
Look at the Singapore Institute of Management, which hands out degrees from the University of Buffalo, University of Sheffield, University of Manchester, U of Sydney, Warwick, and more, which definitely aren't bad globally. And yet, if you're in SIM, it usually means you scored too badly to make it into the other Singaporean universities. I hate the stigma. It's always about how many As you got, what course you're in, and all that, and the whole culture makes people feel like that's what their worth is based upon.
Oh, this turned into a rant. Anyhow, I'm so thankful to be given so many great opportunities to the extent that I take them for granted sometimes. I'm so thankful to be blessed academically - not doing unbelievably well, but well enough not to have had to worry about whether or not I can make it to the express stream or JC or university. And I'm thankful not to be ignorant to the circumstances of those who are not as blessed academically or financially, because I've got a lot of friends who don't even know anyone who come from a different socioeconomic background. People whose circle of friends are all from Medicine or Law, who aren't close to anyone who lives in a HDB flat, who think not owning a car in Singapore is unheard of. It's ridiculous.
Also thankful for my family and how I've been brought up. In a family of scientists, I'm thankful that my parents also constantly exposed my brother and me to the arts, taking us to all these plays and musicals. I'm thankful for the fascination for the sciences that my parents have given me, and yet how they've never pushed me to take a path I don't want. (In fact, maybe they should have pushed a little more.) I'm thankful that my mum kept telling me to take a course that I wanted - back then, I was bent on Literature - and that the jobs would follow somehow. I'm thankful that they never really pressured me to study hard. I'm thankful for their big hearts - my friends say my parents are really nice - and how they've passed a little bit of that compassion and kindness on to me. Thankful that Mum grew up in a very poor family, and Dad loves taking his schoolkids on overseas CIP trips, and that they both constantly remind my brother and me to have a spirit of generosity, love, and gratitude.
I'm thankful I've been so protected, always surrounded by nurturing and loving people, growing up in schools that taught me how to love and live. But I'm even more thankful that I'm not ignorant or oblivious to others who haven't been as fortunate to have grown up in such enriching, positive environments. I've got friends in schools / classes where bullying and wrist-slitting are common, fifteen-year-olds sell condoms or offer finger f**ks for $5, Sec 2s are in boys' homes... Even in my church, I've got as many friends from ITE as from JC (excluding those from NUS since I met the NUS CHC group recently), and I realise how blessed I am to never have had to worry about not making it into the Express stream or to JC or university. It's a reality, and I'm always humbled when I think I could have been born into a different family and have been less lucky in my exams, ended up in an environment that was less enriching. I would probably have turned into a very different person; I'm not that strong.
Thankful that I grew up in a little neighbourhood primary school with some great teachers and amazing friends. Mdm Beena and Mrs Foo are the two teachers who impacted me the most, treating us kids like young adults, giving us issues to ponder about. I remember how I was the only Chinese girl who spoke English at home, and all the Chinese girls in my P6 class sat together for recess, and when I went to the table they'd all immediately code-switch from Chinese to English. And I loved my P4-P5 clique, where I was, for a year, the only Chinese - the things I learnt and the festivals my friends invited me to were always eye-opening, and they always treated me with so much warmth.
Thankful that I spent my preteen years at Crescent. Secondary school is usually a time of rebellion, but in Crescent, that energy is usually translated into insane enthusiasm and the warmth of a family. We had our own share of fun, and I'm so glad for the experience of a girls' school. Thankful for the teachers who pushed us so hard, for really value-adding.
Very thankful that I somehow do well for the major exams, despite not having to slog it out. Maybe it's the whole work-hard-play-hard thing; I only thrive academically in panic, and when panic sets in, I really start working hard. But the rest of the time is spent on everything except studying, and I'm glad that I haven't needed to be a slave to Singapore's education system in order to score well.
So thankful that I never had to worry about not being able to make it into a university. The JC system isn't for everyone, and I've got friends who were really worrying about not being able to make it into a university at all. People with the money have the option of going overseas if they aren't able to make it to the course of their choice here, but most don't, and for them, it's local or nothing. I'm not too fond of the mugging culture in the universities here either, and wanted to go overseas to really enjoy my university life. (But Yale-NUS came about, and I'm not looking back!) But really, in Singapore, they push you into a mould that might not necessarily be right for you. I've got friends who really suffer as a result.
I detest the stigma that my friends feel they're branded with as a result of this. Just because they're in the Normal stream, or they didn't make it to JC, or they didn't do well in the really difficult Singapore-Cambridge GCE 'A' Levels, they feel like they're a shame, they feel dumb, they feel undeserving. Put them in just about any non-Asian country in the world, and they'll probably still come out above average.
Look at the Singapore Institute of Management, which hands out degrees from the University of Buffalo, University of Sheffield, University of Manchester, U of Sydney, Warwick, and more, which definitely aren't bad globally. And yet, if you're in SIM, it usually means you scored too badly to make it into the other Singaporean universities. I hate the stigma. It's always about how many As you got, what course you're in, and all that, and the whole culture makes people feel like that's what their worth is based upon.
Oh, this turned into a rant. Anyhow, I'm so thankful to be given so many great opportunities to the extent that I take them for granted sometimes. I'm so thankful to be blessed academically - not doing unbelievably well, but well enough not to have had to worry about whether or not I can make it to the express stream or JC or university. And I'm thankful not to be ignorant to the circumstances of those who are not as blessed academically or financially, because I've got a lot of friends who don't even know anyone who come from a different socioeconomic background. People whose circle of friends are all from Medicine or Law, who aren't close to anyone who lives in a HDB flat, who think not owning a car in Singapore is unheard of. It's ridiculous.
Also thankful for my family and how I've been brought up. In a family of scientists, I'm thankful that my parents also constantly exposed my brother and me to the arts, taking us to all these plays and musicals. I'm thankful for the fascination for the sciences that my parents have given me, and yet how they've never pushed me to take a path I don't want. (In fact, maybe they should have pushed a little more.) I'm thankful that my mum kept telling me to take a course that I wanted - back then, I was bent on Literature - and that the jobs would follow somehow. I'm thankful that they never really pressured me to study hard. I'm thankful for their big hearts - my friends say my parents are really nice - and how they've passed a little bit of that compassion and kindness on to me. Thankful that Mum grew up in a very poor family, and Dad loves taking his schoolkids on overseas CIP trips, and that they both constantly remind my brother and me to have a spirit of generosity, love, and gratitude.
Dec 31, 2010
Spending the last day of the year
looking through all my Facebook photos.
I realised my life has actually been pretty eventful. Scroll past the recent 1AH Taiwan trip and CCAAB and Exco camwhoring sessions and other Council pictures and I'm reminded of little events that made me happy - 6B's gatherings (and one 1J one!), Bailamos with AC Dance, National Day at Marina Barrage with the two awesome people I'll be seeing later, Fun-O-Rama and random school stuff like that awesome Lit lesson with Amelia and Elgyn and our non-math-kids' Antoinette graph, Investiture and Exco Retreat, last year's New Year celebration with my childhood friends at the beach, fun times with my maternal cousins, my Channel Newsasia trip to Hong Kong with Jollin, Grad Nite and the last day of secondary school, Crescent Dance, J4M times (Gosh we need to sing together again soon, I miss the acapella jam), Crescent Dance.
There were a lot of times in Crescent where I wished I belonged. I was pretty closed-up in Crescent, had very few close friends, made a lot, a lot of mistakes. Crescent was four years of stumbling and learning to pick myself up. Lower Secondary was an emotional roller-coaster - Sec 2 was an epic year.
2007. That year I had a best friend, and a group of friends I was very lively and outspoken around, and then I suddenly left her with no best friend to lean on - I called it a virus taking over my system, and I still do, because she was the kindest sweetest most amazing friend and I suddenly couldn't stand being near her anymore. I hated myself for that, even at that time, because she was such a fantastic friend and she never deserved any of it. And then through all that chaos, I found another girl who had been going through a sea of friendship problems, and we just stuck. Found comfort in each other. A very interesting friendship. She wrote lyrics; I composed tunes to them. 失恋的滋味 - does anyone still remember that song? I can still play it on the piano. I can still sing it.
But from then on, I started to become much less vocal about my feelings, although I've been one to write to express my emotions all along. I used to be very hyperactive, and then I closed up. Most of my Sec 3 and 4 life was lonely, just me and Cuixiao. Sometimes I preferred to eat alone in the canteen. Sometimes I preferred to stay in the classroom - an excuse not to have to be around people during recess.
Prom.
There were times in upper secondary that I wished I could fit in with certain people. They seemed to be a bit more accepting of me at times - common experiences, maybe - and I wanted to be friends with them. It had nothing to do with the thrill of 'hanging with the cool kids' or whatever - I mean, I never went out with them or anything - I just wanted to get to know them better, maybe, because I knew they understood what I was going through when nobody else did. When nobody else wanted to listen, or found it revolting. They knew, because they were going through it too. The last night of our Nacli camp, when we just sat and talked - it was a very open conversation, and I was thankful that at that moment, with those people, I was able to participate in a discussion like that - it would never happen with anyone else I knew. It helped me feel more human that I wasn't as alone as I had felt.
It helped so much.
Annie Lim, Mingxuan, Jenna - people I'm not close to, but who were there to talk to me and pick me up when it really, really counted. Just once, really, but it really counted.
But I was never meant to be close to people like that. Maybe the change in appearance from lower to upper secondary was huge - I looked like a freak in Sec 2 - but I was still the same person. And after I had left Crescent, after Prom, I realised that. I realised that I had to stay true to myself. There were people I wish I could be better friends with, but I'm just not their kind of friend, and they weren't mine either. And I shouldn't try to be someone I'm not.
Introducing me:
I'm not rich, for one.
I don't look good in a lot of clothes, don't drink don't club, don't know a hell lot of Western songs because I spent almost my whole secondary school life listening to Mandarin music (I went back to English only after my relationship ended in July last year and I couldn't take listening to anything that would bring memories back or evoke emotions), don't stay out late at night, don't like to swear, don't wear havaianas because they're not comfortable and non-comfortable slippers aren't meant to cost fifty bucks, don't have anything from Fred Perry or Kate Spade or Shu Uemura M.A.C. or Marc Jacobs. Yet.
That's who I am. I'm not a cool kid. My wardrobe is full of Forever 21 and Zara, and that's about it. I love F21 and Zara. I own one pair of shades - the plain black pair I bought in Taiwan. I got my iPhone off eBay. I live in a HDB flat. My mum learnt how to drive so that she could fetch Mark and I to school last year because of his PSLE and my O's. I love JJ Lin - okay I haven't bought his new album that came out early this month, but still - and I hate rap music. My favourite music genre is alternative rock. I hate bitching, I hate gossip. I trust people very easily, almost blindly. I'm a Starbucks addict. I think the Chinese language is immensely beautiful, very emotive, and I wish I could write well in Chinese, because English is pretty non-expressive.
I think singers should be people who can sing.
I think going out with friends more often is what's making me perpetually broke, whether it's for a movie with the Exco or dinner with a friend for some heart-to-heart talk time. But is it a bad thing?
I'm not that used to going out with friends, probably because I was always with my ex in Sec 3 and 4 - gosh, I wasn't used to having friends I can feel so comfortable and happy around, Karen the emo loner - but things are changing now, and I have friends I love being around. People who are willing to spend their time with me, who really spare a thought for me. It's something I'm not used to (I don't mean to sound like an emo loner, but it's true), but it's what I'm getting in AC, and I really treasure everything God has given me here.
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