I realised my life has actually been pretty eventful. Scroll past the recent 1AH Taiwan trip and CCAAB and Exco camwhoring sessions and other Council pictures and I'm reminded of little events that made me happy - 6B's gatherings (and one 1J one!), Bailamos with AC Dance, National Day at Marina Barrage with the two awesome people I'll be seeing later, Fun-O-Rama and random school stuff like that awesome Lit lesson with Amelia and Elgyn and our non-math-kids' Antoinette graph, Investiture and Exco Retreat, last year's New Year celebration with my childhood friends at the beach, fun times with my maternal cousins, my Channel Newsasia trip to Hong Kong with Jollin, Grad Nite and the last day of secondary school, Crescent Dance, J4M times (Gosh we need to sing together again soon, I miss the acapella jam), Crescent Dance.
There were a lot of times in Crescent where I wished I belonged. I was pretty closed-up in Crescent, had very few close friends, made a lot, a lot of mistakes. Crescent was four years of stumbling and learning to pick myself up. Lower Secondary was an emotional roller-coaster - Sec 2 was an epic year.
2007. That year I had a best friend, and a group of friends I was very lively and outspoken around, and then I suddenly left her with no best friend to lean on - I called it a virus taking over my system, and I still do, because she was the kindest sweetest most amazing friend and I suddenly couldn't stand being near her anymore. I hated myself for that, even at that time, because she was such a fantastic friend and she never deserved any of it. And then through all that chaos, I found another girl who had been going through a sea of friendship problems, and we just stuck. Found comfort in each other. A very interesting friendship. She wrote lyrics; I composed tunes to them. 失恋的滋味 - does anyone still remember that song? I can still play it on the piano. I can still sing it.
But from then on, I started to become much less vocal about my feelings, although I've been one to write to express my emotions all along. I used to be very hyperactive, and then I closed up. Most of my Sec 3 and 4 life was lonely, just me and Cuixiao. Sometimes I preferred to eat alone in the canteen. Sometimes I preferred to stay in the classroom - an excuse not to have to be around people during recess.
Prom.
There were times in upper secondary that I wished I could fit in with certain people. They seemed to be a bit more accepting of me at times - common experiences, maybe - and I wanted to be friends with them. It had nothing to do with the thrill of 'hanging with the cool kids' or whatever - I mean, I never went out with them or anything - I just wanted to get to know them better, maybe, because I knew they understood what I was going through when nobody else did. When nobody else wanted to listen, or found it revolting. They knew, because they were going through it too. The last night of our Nacli camp, when we just sat and talked - it was a very open conversation, and I was thankful that at that moment, with those people, I was able to participate in a discussion like that - it would never happen with anyone else I knew. It helped me feel more human that I wasn't as alone as I had felt.
It helped so much.
Annie Lim, Mingxuan, Jenna - people I'm not close to, but who were there to talk to me and pick me up when it really, really counted. Just once, really, but it really counted.
But I was never meant to be close to people like that. Maybe the change in appearance from lower to upper secondary was huge - I looked like a freak in Sec 2 - but I was still the same person. And after I had left Crescent, after Prom, I realised that. I realised that I had to stay true to myself. There were people I wish I could be better friends with, but I'm just not their kind of friend, and they weren't mine either. And I shouldn't try to be someone I'm not.
Introducing me:
I'm not rich, for one.
I don't look good in a lot of clothes, don't drink don't club, don't know a hell lot of Western songs because I spent almost my whole secondary school life listening to Mandarin music (I went back to English only after my relationship ended in July last year and I couldn't take listening to anything that would bring memories back or evoke emotions), don't stay out late at night, don't like to swear, don't wear havaianas because they're not comfortable and non-comfortable slippers aren't meant to cost fifty bucks, don't have anything from Fred Perry or Kate Spade or Shu Uemura M.A.C. or Marc Jacobs. Yet.
That's who I am. I'm not a cool kid. My wardrobe is full of Forever 21 and Zara, and that's about it. I love F21 and Zara. I own one pair of shades - the plain black pair I bought in Taiwan. I got my iPhone off eBay. I live in a HDB flat. My mum learnt how to drive so that she could fetch Mark and I to school last year because of his PSLE and my O's. I love JJ Lin - okay I haven't bought his new album that came out early this month, but still - and I hate rap music. My favourite music genre is alternative rock. I hate bitching, I hate gossip. I trust people very easily, almost blindly. I'm a Starbucks addict. I think the Chinese language is immensely beautiful, very emotive, and I wish I could write well in Chinese, because English is pretty non-expressive.
I think singers should be people who can sing.
I think going out with friends more often is what's making me perpetually broke, whether it's for a movie with the Exco or dinner with a friend for some heart-to-heart talk time. But is it a bad thing?
I'm not that used to going out with friends, probably because I was always with my ex in Sec 3 and 4 - gosh, I wasn't used to having friends I can feel so comfortable and happy around, Karen the emo loner - but things are changing now, and I have friends I love being around. People who are willing to spend their time with me, who really spare a thought for me. It's something I'm not used to (I don't mean to sound like an emo loner, but it's true), but it's what I'm getting in AC, and I really treasure everything God has given me here.
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