Jul 30, 2011

6. The last time I was truly honest with someone

The first thing that comes to my mind:
with Joan Lee, yesterday, while on the way home together.

It was the first time I told someone about my ambition in complete honesty.

(Just for fun, because my blog has been far too photo-deprived recently:)

from 2C1...

to Crescent Dance...
(ignore the date stamp!)

to Crescent-AC...

to AC Dance...


You are still God; I have a reason to sing

"So take courage! For I believe God. It will be just as he said."
Acts 27:25

Auditioned for Chapel Band with the 35ths today -
Matthew One-Man-Band Hou on the drums AND keyboard,
Jia on the bass,
Hyeon on the violin (yeah we have a violinist!!),
Alex on the guitar,
Roi, Nadine and I on the vocals.

Some people look at image-conscious Christians and think it's against Christianity and knowing what's important. Not too long ago, some people would think about the word "Christian" and immediately picture unfit people who dress badly and behave socially awkwardly, etc.

Pastor Phil brought up an interesting point. We, as Christians, are ambassadors of God, and in no way should we represent him in a way that allows others to think negatively of Him, both in deeds / words and in how we present ourselves. He is a glorious God, one that can do anything, work miraculous deeds, do beautiful things, and you don't offer Him a blessing of a person who...isn't in touch with society. God is anything but dull. God can permeate the atmosphere, fill a building, impact people.

Of course the first criterion in his selection of who to use for His good work would be unshakeable faith and strength in Him, but think about it: who would God choose to represent Him in the world, the God who is mighty, glorious, powerful, wondrous and yet in every way relevant? A person whom others see as unable to be in touch with society, who doesn't really take care of her body and the way she presents and carries herself?

Or one who's in touch with trends and society in every way, who shows she's a person of the times, engaging and very well-liked and popular, yet very deeply grounded in her principles that are centered around God? A person whom others want to be able to dress like and be like in her personality, always fashionable and fun, yet firm in her beliefs? Who takes care of the way she presents herself, because she's representing God in all His goodness and glory?

To the Christians: When a non-Christian thinks about the word, about the 'religion', what kind of people do you want them to picture? What kind of person do you want to picture, to represent God and all his goodness and miracles and glory?

I want to picture someone beautiful - more necessarily in her aura than in her looks, able to carry herself with poise, very trendy, someone who smiles and laughs a lot, yet isn't superficial in her friendships; someone who's successful, who wins competitions and gets great job offers and has a glorious future ahead of her, a future God has planned out for her because she's able to bring glory to His name.

And she will, she will captivate people with her beauty and poise and bubbly yet sincere personality and aura and everything about her, and in everything bring praise to Him.

She's not a person who will never exist. She's a friend of mine, a friend I look up to a lot.

And about the health/fitness part, the body you possess also houses the Holy Spirit. This body we've been given is, like all other things, a gift from Him. Therefore we should take care of it, keep it healthy and fit, so that even in this way we can be an offering of praise unto Him, so that we can continue doing all He has set out for us. An unhealthy body, like anything else that doesn't create a good impression, isn't a good representative of anything we represent, really. The God we serve is an amazing, glorious, beautiful one, and that's how we should represent Him.

I mean, of course appearances aren't the most important thing, and should never be a major priority that becomes an obsession: what's more important than stuff like your dressing and health is how you carry yourself in other aspects, your actions and words and your attitude and heart, but I mean, everyone knows that, and that's not what this particular post is about. This post explores an issue that's more highly debated: appearances vs God.

I say, as long as everything you do is for the purpose of bringing God glory, it's right.

Our God is not one who's out of the times, who's irrelevant in our society, who's unable to advance himself together with us. God is very real in this world and not in any way dull. A life of God is an exciting, amazing life. Let's bring God into society in this way. Show the world how amazing a life in Him can be. And this God is a name we carry with ourselves. Let the way we carry ourselves be a song of praise unto Him.

...This is a post that could draw a lot of flak. I hope I presented this correctly. Hope I didn't accidentally suggest anything wrong.

Jul 28, 2011

When you look at me, suddenly it's clear

"Why're you smiling to yourself?"
"I was just thinking about stuff."

Yeah sure, I could be his, or his, or even his -
but not you, please not you
the one I've cried over, the one I've dreamt about, screamed about

you'll bring me too much pain. The rest, they'll be fine, but you'll hurt me too much,

you matter too much.


I've yet to post pictures of and blog about Australia and Exco Retreat and Outvest and everything, oops!

But you don't need me to blog about it to know about it; the pictures on Facebook paint a thousand times as many words.

Jul 24, 2011

if I could read your mind

I'd find wealth, treasures spilling over, of all the secrets and the beautiful and the painful experiences you've never let anyone know about

your vast seas of secrets, the many many things you've never told
a kiss in the park at night, a hand you wished you had the strength to reach out to hold;
the hours you spent looking at her letters, staring at those photos

all that, all that raging fire, massive floods, all that chaos -

behind an expression of no emotion

I know nothing about you.

Jul 23, 2011


As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. - 1 Peter 4:10

I don't know about it being a gift, but I'm thankful for the way I find comfort in a pen and paper when I'm heavy-hearted. I'm thankful for the times I feel too miserable to do anything else and the words that flow from my fingertips give me consolation, help me feel like all my experiences are part of the plan, part of a story. And then the inexplicable burden is lifted when I reread and edit what I've written until I'm satisfied. If my heart still feels heavy after I've written it, I just continue writing.

Some people find this comfort in dance, where all the painful emotions become a tool, has a purpose. That's what it is. When you've found an avenue to express yourself and when you develop a passion for it, all your emotions - happy or excruciating - become a tool. It gives you a different way to look at your experiences.

Then again, I willingly drive myself into pits of emotional pain without bothering to protect myself sometimes because I tell myself that every experience will provide just that little additional bit of fuel for my writing. It's an excuse, really, nothing more than an excuse to let my heart have its way.

Anyway, I'm grateful for this outlet I've found to express myself and want to develop it further - I haven't read more than 5 books since Sec 3, and that has resulted in me being a very uninspired writer with the vocabulary range of a twelve-year-old. I vow to finish a book a week after the A's. Okay, maybe after Prom. (And maybe two weeks for thick books like Jane Eyre, especially if I'm working.)

Anyway, yeah, I'm grateful I've been blessed in this area, to be able to feel very intensely and then let it all flow in writing. Not everyone is able to express how they feel eloquently in words (speech or writing) and I'm thankful I don't feel like I'm unable to make my thoughts and feelings known in full. With the intensity of my emotions, I imagine I'd feel trapped in my own body, restricted by my inability to express myself in language.

God has blessed me with a passion for words, with an avenue where I can let my emotions flow, unlike some who feel like they're unable to express themselves well enough to do their emotions justice. I've always wanted to use it to ultimately help others. That's why even though I say I want to be a journalist, it's not really something I want to do forever - journalism is about reporting news and issues, and what I like about it is getting to write. I don't want to write simply for the sake of writing, though; I want to write to inspire, to encourage.

To create beauty and a whole new world with words and capture people - the hearts of lost teenagers who feel they can relate to me - and allow them to cry along with me as I bring them through the eyes of another, as I help them feel they aren't alone, and then provide some form of comfort.

I want them to know that someone else understands. I want them to see their own stories - so private and dear to them, stories of midnight tears and secret self-hatred - on print in a book in front of them, so that they'll realise that no matter how deep their emotional shards are cutting into their heart, they aren't alone in feeling this way.

I signed up for the News Media ministry at church, under writing. Just saying. I've got to start somewhere. But even there, perhaps I'll be able to change a few things, touch a few hearts.

Jul 21, 2011

Didn't cry at Outvest; cried at Harry Potter

"Look at me.

You've got your mother's eyes."

"Yes, movies! Look at them — All of those glamorous people — having adventures — hogging it all, gobbling the whole thing up! You know what happens? People go to the movies instead of moving! Hollywood characters are supposed to have all the adventures for everybody in America, while everybody in America sits in a dark room and watches them have them! Yes, until there's a war. That's when adventure becomes available to the masses!"
- Tom (The Glass Menagerie)

Harry Potter movies have become increasingly dark over the years, not like that could be helped. Previously, there were more light-hearted moments, more adventure, when everything was still a journey of exploration and excitement more than anything, when everything was as fresh as the three kids' young faces.

It's the movies that take you to a different world that are the most successful. Harry Potter, Narnia, Avatar, Inception - you'd think the movies that are set in reality, that help you relate to the situation the most, would be the most able to touch your heart, but in a world that's too stressed up and sick of mundane busyness, routine madness, we crave surreality.

Funny how all these surreal scenes that enthrall us were probably acted out in front of a green screen. Must have been dead boring and insanely hard to get into the mood and act awestruck or terrified.


Jul 20, 2011

You know when you're trying too hard.

I read something that struck a chord in my heart and I just feel like typing something.

Got a lot to blog about - the Council going mad at Abi's house, Outvestiture and Sentosa, Harry Potter, a little lesson from God, but those will take too long for me to start talking about them now, I've got work to do.

I love being the INFP that I am. It does suck a lot, reflecting on everything like that, being so dependent on love and longing for affection - affirmation, assurance - like that, seeing things through my eyes and being all emo, wishing I wasn't the introvert I am sometimes, wishing I knew what to say, detesting my socially awkward moments, wishing I knew what to do, wishing the words and the actions came as intuitively to me as they did to everything else, wishing the emptiness wasn't so huge, wishing I didn't have to rely on / long for love like that, wishing I had my own strength; emotional independence. But I know there's a purpose for all this and it's what makes me who I am, and therefore I love my personality and all its flaws and the emoness involved. Someday I'll crash and burn, burn in insanity and all the emotions that will flow like fire, like Antoinette. Like the description of Jean Rhys in the foreword of Wide Sargasso Sea - the woman who dresses sophisticatedly and comes across as demure and nothing out of the ordinary, sweet black dress and gloves and good manners, and then gets caught unprepared one night, shattered bottles and sheer drunkenness, she can't recognise her own friends.

Being who I am can be pretty depressing sometimes, my glass-shattering vulnerability and ability to see everything in an emo light, my huge insecurity and far too many good laughs that come to an abrupt stop when a negative thought creeps up. I'm destined for doom. But my vulnerability and all these flaws and insecurities make up who I am and I can't - or won't - change it, and one day someone will think it's beautiful too.

Sometimes we try too hard. Sometimes we try too hard to make friends with someone whom you wish you could get to know better, and then you realise it's just not going right. You try to show yourself to the other person, try to be who you are, but it just isn't happening, you just can't think of anything to say.
You don't have to keep pushing it. There are other friends who take comfort in the silence you share, who don't mind the breaks and rest in the quietness, in mutual understanding. Or friends who speak to your heart. That's when your true personality shines through without you even having to try.

Jul 17, 2011

No longer will I forfeit grace

I did want His presence this time. I told myself to expect, to be still and expect as I had been told to do. I wasn't afraid, I was expectant

and then I was distraught before I reached the front.

Break my heart for what breaks yours

The Lord commands us not to have any other 'gods' before Him. As I stood there, wanting a fresh anointing from Him, it hit me how much I had been trying to deceive myself all along. I have a lot of things I prioritize before God. Council, especially, is at the top of my list. Council and all it encompasses - the amazing friends, the work, the outings - is the one thing that's always on my mind. It's on the top of my priorities. God, church, aren't really prioritized.

I keep trying to remind myself to do everything in God's name - for everything I do, it shall be for the glory of God, and anything I do that isn't glorifying to God's name shouldn't be done. I keep asking Him to help me always keep Him in my mind, as a reminder before I do or say anything.

Yet my words are coarse; I don't say things that help grow or encourage people. Sometimes I look back at the things I've just said and wish I could turn back time. Not things like the f word, but things that aren't becoming of...a follower of the one perfect being. Things that you wouldn't say if God was a person standing in front of you. It's easy to forget he watches your every move; his eyes run to and fro, to and fro.

Suddenly the guilt was overpowering; I cried like I was heartbroken. I felt so bad, so bad, that God had blessed me with such amazing experiences and friends in Council because I had always prayed for them and asked for them and He had given them to me, but at the same time I let Council become the absolute top of my priorities, and God got pushed down further. I guess I gave myself a lot of excuses and was close to believing them myself. But I realised, today, how dry I had run spiritually, how stale my oil had become, how long it was since I had last asked for a fresh anointing of oil to be poured on me - genuinely.

And if I'm to ask for God to allow me to draw me to him, to experience His presence again, I have to work harder at it and be deserving of it.

Slowly, I will learn to let go of the things I prioritize above God, the greatest one being Council. I mean, I'll be leaving Council on Monday but I have to learn to put God above everything else. It is Him who has blessed me with these amazing experiences, with my little successes in the other areas of my life, with a passion and a fine family and being able to live comfortably in a safe, developed country like Singapore. It's all Him, and He is the one my life rests upon, and I will watch my actions and words more closely and strive to, above all, serve as an offering of praise unto Him, and allow myself to be strong in Him so that He will use me as a blessing to others,

Jul 10, 2011

i can't act like i don't care 'cos i do

Literature lectures, her favourite. See that boy at the other end of the lecture hall? He's all the way at the other end, but she keeps glancing across, keeps looking all the way to the left of the hall. They always sit directly across each other so that each can steal glances at the other without having to turn their heads too much. They don't know the other is making a conscious effort too, but I see it. I see it in the way she hovers around her seat, how she waves at him before sitting down, how he's always looking out for her across the hall.

The lecturer talks about John Donne and his expression of love. The Anniversary.
All other things to their destruction draw,
Only our love hath no decay;
This no to-morrow hath, nor yesterday;
She steals so many glances at him, and him back at her, but their gazes don't meet. The smile's not on their faces, but you see the glow of her heart in her eyes as she touches the words on the paper; you see his month-long struggle with courage as he bites his lip -

The laughter of the lecture group interrupts. The Flea.
It suck'd me first, and now sucks thee,
And in this flea our two bloods mingled be.
When the lecturer passes a suggestive remark, they instinctively look at each other and laugh. He looks down at his phone and then looks at her and smiles, and ten seconds later she does the exact same thing.

It's ridiculous, how the sparks that fly across the hall are so obvious to the rest of us, and invisible to them,

and they'll just keep wondering, tormenting themselves,
not realising it's already begun.

Jul 9, 2011

That anonymous post on non sequitur

Darkness. Just you and me and the dim streetlamp a distance away.

In you I found comfort. I’m a shy girl, but my apprehension seemed to disintegrate around you. We were laughing, laughing about the littlest things. No one around to hear us. I wasn’t afraid.

Your arm around my waist. A certain spark in your eyes as you smiled at me. And then you weren’t smiling anymore.

Your eyes wide and heart pounding – like mine – like little kids' –
I closed my eyes.

My heart caught on that spark of yours. And then it burst into dazzling, screaming flames. My heart was on fire.

I barely knew you before today, but now you were electricity, surging through every vein and nerve, penetrating the thick protective walls of my heart to reach the coldest corners. Your beautiful name was all I could think about. Your beautiful name, resounding in my head; it formed a melody with the flames. Your breath was music. Love. I hardly knew you but I loved you. Perfect chemistry, like I needed it. But with all the bursting sweetness came a little pang. And the sourness slowly grew with the kisses until it became a black liquid, engulfing the honey, engulfing me.

Black. Black tears, out of my heart and your eyes. I forced myself to meet your gaze, and I saw hurt and realization – I wonder if you knew how much I felt your pain. And trembling fear. Tears.

You left me in the darkness, to curl up in the cold. It wasn’t this cold earlier on – you sucked the warmth out of me.

Your arms left trails of fire on my body. Now they were nothing but burn marks, cold holes, screaming for your touch once again.

Should’ve known you'd bring me heartache – almost-lovers always do.

Jul 7, 2011

The fun's when you lose yourself

and suddenly nothing matters anymore

I hear the crunching of leaves as my feet touch the ground. I'm not afraid - you're holding my hand, the surge of infatuation drowns everything else - but I pretend to be anyway, just so you'll keep me close. Blindfolded; keep me blindfolded forever - if it means you'll always be this careful with me, if you'll keep your grip on me this tight, if you'll keep asking me if I'm okay.

Nobody knows us here. Back in school the walls have eyes, the air is acid, every little move is watched and gossiped about. But nobody knows who we are here. Nobody will ever find out. I've always wanted to hold your hand; now I've got an excuse, here nobody will know. Nobody will see the uncontrollable smile I've got on my face - not even you, but you're smiling too.

I love birthdays. They're the perfect excuse. I said I'd pick you up from your place; I turned up at your doorstep with sixteen roses - like I've always wanted to do - and told you I had a surprise, but it was a drive and a walk away. Now let's go deeper in, deeper, where nobody will see us.

I love birthdays. They're the perfect excuse. You're my lover today. Maybe tomorrow we'll be friends all over again, like we were yesterday and the day before, but we're lovers today.

You undo my blindfold - to sand and waves, to stars, breathtaking beauty. A heavy dose of atmosphere. I know this place. I told you about it once - my grandmother used to bring me here for our weekly picnics. I know this place, but tonight it looks so pretty. I'm smiling. A lot. You too.

You haven't let go of my hand.

i know a place that we can go to
a place where they don't know you
they won't know who we are

let me take you there

the little things she tells herself

Dear fragility,

sometimes I fight you with ignorance, when things are going good and I...convince myself the loneliness is a lie. I push you out, forgetting.

And then just a comment, just a bit of carelessness, and you knock me over again.

I'm talented. I'm not fat. I look better when I smile. I'm more beautiful than people think. Maybe, with enough repetition, I will slowly teach myself to believe. Five millilitres of self-esteem a day - bitter medicine - someday it'll yield results.

That little mocking voice in my head, that thin glass wall that shatters twice a day, fragility, fragility will give way to real strength, self-love.

you know, the problem, dear, is that you try to find your self-worth in these things. these things that don't matter.

Charm is deceptive
and beauty is fleeting,
but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

My future's going down the drain.

I don't have a passion for any subject or specialised area in particular. I just like to write. There's really hardly any point in writing if there's nothing in particular I like writing about. Nothing useful, anyway. My vocabulary sucks. Basically there's nothing I can do.

I have pretty big dreams for myself. 7 is a pretty decent O Levels raw score; ACJC's considerably high up in reputation, grades and CCA achievements especially; being in the best arts class in AC has some level of significance; being in the Exco in the Students' Council is... well... you've got the power to do a lot of things, change a lot of things. Twenty years from now, I don't want to be in an insignificant position in a small, unknown company, not making a difference. I want to make a difference. I want to impact others, to touch lives somehow. I keep thinking about public relations and writing for companies or the arts industry and stuff, but I realised that wouldn't help me reach my ultimate purpose - to write in a way that moves people, helps people.

Writing won't get me anywhere here in Singapore.


Jul 6, 2011

He'll break your heart it's a matter of time

he looks like a cool drink of water
but he's candy-coated misery

gosh insane flirts it's really kinda gross
feeding each other's egos with every nickname, every picture taken, every chance to get close

Jul 4, 2011

Short update: Exco Retreat = Best Time Of My Life

Crab-catching, star-gazing, laughing ourselves crazy;
Worries cast beyond where the sky meets the sea;
What more to life could there be -
than laughter, love and a family

Best three days ever. We went to this resort place - huts on stilts on the sea - Telunas, Batam (Indonesia). It was the most amazing time of my life. The endless sea we called the 'infinity pool', awesome crabs on the beach, dancing Dynamite in the water, lying on the deck just admiring the awesome starry sky, getting squid-inked...

sitting at the deck with our feet dangling, the sound of waves below, sunnies on, listening to Alex play the guitar, singing random worship songs -

the time of our lives.

A longer Exco Retreat update and pictures some other time! Anyway there are a whole lot on Facebook - check out Abigail Nyam's awesome albumsssssssssssss