No longer will I forfeit grace

I did want His presence this time. I told myself to expect, to be still and expect as I had been told to do. I wasn't afraid, I was expectant

and then I was distraught before I reached the front.

Break my heart for what breaks yours

The Lord commands us not to have any other 'gods' before Him. As I stood there, wanting a fresh anointing from Him, it hit me how much I had been trying to deceive myself all along. I have a lot of things I prioritize before God. Council, especially, is at the top of my list. Council and all it encompasses - the amazing friends, the work, the outings - is the one thing that's always on my mind. It's on the top of my priorities. God, church, aren't really prioritized.

I keep trying to remind myself to do everything in God's name - for everything I do, it shall be for the glory of God, and anything I do that isn't glorifying to God's name shouldn't be done. I keep asking Him to help me always keep Him in my mind, as a reminder before I do or say anything.

Yet my words are coarse; I don't say things that help grow or encourage people. Sometimes I look back at the things I've just said and wish I could turn back time. Not things like the f word, but things that aren't becoming of...a follower of the one perfect being. Things that you wouldn't say if God was a person standing in front of you. It's easy to forget he watches your every move; his eyes run to and fro, to and fro.

Suddenly the guilt was overpowering; I cried like I was heartbroken. I felt so bad, so bad, that God had blessed me with such amazing experiences and friends in Council because I had always prayed for them and asked for them and He had given them to me, but at the same time I let Council become the absolute top of my priorities, and God got pushed down further. I guess I gave myself a lot of excuses and was close to believing them myself. But I realised, today, how dry I had run spiritually, how stale my oil had become, how long it was since I had last asked for a fresh anointing of oil to be poured on me - genuinely.

And if I'm to ask for God to allow me to draw me to him, to experience His presence again, I have to work harder at it and be deserving of it.

Slowly, I will learn to let go of the things I prioritize above God, the greatest one being Council. I mean, I'll be leaving Council on Monday but I have to learn to put God above everything else. It is Him who has blessed me with these amazing experiences, with my little successes in the other areas of my life, with a passion and a fine family and being able to live comfortably in a safe, developed country like Singapore. It's all Him, and He is the one my life rests upon, and I will watch my actions and words more closely and strive to, above all, serve as an offering of praise unto Him, and allow myself to be strong in Him so that He will use me as a blessing to others,