Mar 27, 2014

one of those times

i down tea like medicine: sleep is a sickness and exhaustion is a hindrance

my eyes gloss over words that do not make their way to my brain and it is painful

i do not see the point in trying to comprehend stats and coding and getting someone to explain every step to me if i forget it all the next day

my schedule is packed, my essays are rushed, my B- grades are a self-fulfilling prophecy, i have no money, i run around

i am back to doing my pre-class readings right before the class itself, and i don't like that

and when the readings are rushed the joy of taking it in and savouring the knowledge is lost

when what should be enjoyed becomes an obligation, when you do things not because you want to but because of the social pressure

when friendship becomes a pressure, a scheduled to-do

when i must make the courageous, conscious decision to love because it is not easy to expect non-reciprocation, and because time and money are scarce as gold

when bad grades bring me to tears (i never thought that would happen; i never expected to care this much about my grades); when i have to learn things the hard way

when i have to fall and scrape my knee before i realise i shouldn't run, it's okay; when i have to shatter a glass or spill tea all over the place before i remember to be less stupid about things

when i finally rejoice at being able to sleep at 1am before i realise there's a quiz the next day

when i realise i've signed up for 7 weeks of sanskrit/tamil/telugu and 3 weeks of arabic when i thought i'd be reading hieroglyphs, and i do, not, understand

when things are back-to-back and i continue to make them so

when i must make a deliberate effort to breathe

(not even burnt out yet, i still have the energy and motivation to go on. just, so much. i cannot catch up. an essay last friday, an essay last sunday, my oral presentation on tuesday, an essay yesterday, an essay on sunday)

(an analogy: when we were staying in Machhapuchhre Base Camp, up in the clouds, at 3190m the night before going up to Annapurna Base Camp because it'd be too cold up there for us, and we had to wear all our layers because the temperature was in negative degrees and there was no indoor heating. I had five layers on including a down jacket, and then my sleeping bag and thick-and-heavy-as-heck blanket. In the middle of the night I woke up with a start because I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was being suffocated with my own clothing. I ripped off my layers and I still had to make a conscious effort to push air into my lungs. The air was so thin. And I was so afraid to fall back to sleep because how would I breathe then?)


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