"There's something about (his secondary school) you can't explain. As much as we complained abt the sch, we loved it. That's what I realised. I miss the days there. Everything now just seems so harsh. It's a dog eat dog, fish eat fish, human eat human world here. It's sinister. It's harsh. It's barren. It's cruel."
Thought it was only like that in my point of view. Yeah, it is a scary place here. The Crescent spirit is somewhat like the spirit of my present class. In Crescent.....I don't know. There was warmth, freedom, bond, genuineness and true friendships. I was quite a loner in Crescent because I didn't belong to a clique - in Sec 3 and 4, I only had Cui Xiao - who was also pretty much of a loner - and sometimes Jessie.
But having only one person to stick to in Crescent still felt freer than my present life in ACJC. I'm always feeling like I have to watch my back and be careful about what I'm saying and to whom, to feel like there's something that keeps me from smiling as genuinely and freely as I'd like to to someone - perhaps gossip or a personal opinion that someone had told me in a hushed voice before.
ACJC is good, yes, and I absolutely love my class. Yet it's such a scary, cruel world. I'm afraid of making a mistake, of losing my footing. I'm afraid people will start talking if I happen to do something wrong or weird. When I say something stupid I immediately sense the tension of people's thoughts firing. It's scary. I feel like I'm losing my right to be wrong.
I've done a lot of stupid, stupid, humiliating, gossip-worthy things in the past four years, but so was everyone else. We were all doing stupid things, making mistakes and growing and learning together. It was fine. You were, in a way, "forgiven". Now in JC I feel like i can't afford to make mistakes anymore. People will laugh, people will talk. And when others talk to me I wonder what they're thinking about me.
What happened to trueness and purity? If thoughts of gossip had a sound, the walls of the school would crumble with the screams of slander.
What I say can get me into some sort of trouble sometimes, but what, it's my opinion and it's something true and it's something we thus should not avoid / pretend to be non-existent.