Jan 21, 2014

the first and last forever

It is all over then, all over. I shove my heart into your hands all raw and wrinkled from the wrenching, more out of desperation than of the tentative faith. You try to put it down as gently as possible, but my emotions have made me the thinnest sheet of clay; I will break anyway. Your strong arms gently guide me into an embrace, and I am ablaze and drowning all at once. You say I must push the love from my mind but I whisper not now, not yet; for now I let the smell of your t-shirt fill my nostrils and my lungs and warmly envelop that tender heart. The texture of soft cotton against my cheek, your palm cradling the back of my head because my brain feels like it's about to fall apart - in darkness all the other senses are enhanced. In the silence my heartbeat pounds against your own chest, your swallows are gulps, your deep measured breaths are an ocean - at this moment I know every bit of you, and you me, and yet in the most delicate of intimacies we are gulfs apart. I want so badly to cry, because I have crumbled on the inside, limp and defeated. But I cannot find the strength to cry as long as your arms continue to hold me together. You wrap my soul in bandages and I cannot cry because you are holding me; I am the happiest I have been in a year; I am held in the arms of the one of my dreams this is actually happening this is reality I feel so very much alive. Preserve this moment. Remember the touch and warmth so intricately you can replay it every night.

There is no moment happier than the first embrace, but equally intense is the dread of knowing that it is also the last one, forever.

This paradox, the overwhelming joy and utter heartbreak; the softest of intimacies and the eternal distance. In this moment I am too caught up with loving you and being happy to remember that once you break away, my soul goes with you, and I am left empty.

("And I was so happy, because it was the first; but I was also so sad, because it was the last" - 

and that was when you finally started to cry)

No comments: