Jan 22, 2014

resolutions this year

This is the exact opposite of what I put on Kevin's wall last semester. I told him that it was okay to not be okay, that he could depend on other people, and that someday he might see how my joys and fears were dependent on his - it is all a little sister knows.

I am tired of being the person I was last semester (and also in 2011). It was always draining, always unfilled, always longing and comparing and worrying. I want to be enough for myself. I want to be a person who concludes in acceptance, knowing that it doesn’t affect her self-worth or self-love (whatever that is), and who can decide to be happy.
(I thought I had achieved it, but no, no, I haven't after all; this realisation terrified me today.)

Can you do anything about this? Do you even want to? No? Okay then; how can you change your emotional response to it? How can you feel okay about it? Take active steps to be happy. 

It is not a formula and I can only learn along the way, but I believe I will be okay. And I don't know how to do this without forcing myself into an attitude of dismissing and not caring about other people/situations, or into deliberate indifference / delusion. But I promise to make an effort to find self-sufficiency in love and happiness.

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