Dec 25, 2013

I would like to have you know

This Christmas, I have something I would like to say to those in the Christian Fellowship in Yale-NUS. Or to anyone in Yale-NUS, really, since this misconception seems to be stretched to a lot of people.

Some people seem to think, for some reason, that I'm a really diligent, devoted, dedicated Christian, and that Jesus is all my life is about. I guess it's the cross I wear, and my phone's background picture, and "Hannah", and the fact that I play a part in organising CF and speak in front sometimes - I guess that's what they expect of the person in front, because if not, what authority does he/she have to be talking to the rest?

I would have you know that I am not the pure holy devoted Christian that people keep making me out to be. I am no different from the average in the whole range of Christians in Yale-NUS. I know what it means to be devoted and to walk very closely with Him - when I was in SOT (and also in Sec 4) my life was all about Him, because it had to be. Bible school 9-1, with powerful worship and the enlightening Word; then tuition or whatever, and the mandatory reading of the Bible other required books; talking to SOT people, praying with SOT people, doing whatever church ministry I had assigned myself to, seeking His love, looking very much forward to the work He had for me in Yale-NUS. Jesus was in the centre, and He often gave me encounters with Him, little or large, tangible or in the heart. It has been quite some time since I have had an encounter with God - two months maybe?

No, I am just another lazy, forgetful Christian, who rarely does her quiet time (especially in school), who forgets to put Him first (and often finds herself unable or unwilling to), who is frequently ungracious in her speech, who thinks ugly thoughts, is a sinner in all these ways. I am not the person that some people absurdly make me out to be, or accuse me of being (it seems like that sometimes, although I'm not even deserving to carry His cross that way). I am just another regular Christian person who's not very good at keeping her love to Jesus, y'know? And then I look at people like Carissa who is so encouraging and gracious and loving in all she says, who keeps clinging to God in all the tough times; Charlotte who comes into my room to pray with me and continues to carry God's salvation to those around her; Denise who does so much for Christ; Yixuan whose prayers are so heartfelt and powerful and overflowing with Bible verses; Carmen who has such a persistent, profound love for Him; Pei Yun who understands who she is because of who God is; and I'm like, what on earth are people doing saying I'm all that they say I am? Who am I?

I don't want people to think I am someone I'm not, so I type this today. I am just the average Christian (I don't like saying it this way because it sounds like a job) - I am bad at keeping my side of the covenant to God; it is a personal relationship, and I am bad at keeping myself close to Him. The only reason I speak at CF is that I am willing to. A lot of people aren't willing to speak in front - why? Do they think they're not good enough? That they have to be absolutely holy and devoted before they have any authority to speak? Please. None of us have the authority. Only Jesus does, and all we need to do is work harder at being a better sieve for His spirit to flow through. I am unworthy, undeserving, and I know it. I know. And I hope you forgive me for not being the Christian you thought I was. I will try, I will try, but please do not put me on a pedestal because that way things are not completely honest. At Yale-NUS we all face similar struggles; let's all just share a little of ourselves with one another and try to help one another through it. (that's what CF is about.)


Anonymous said...

Dear you're perfectly fine the way you are. I like you as the self-professed average Christian you are. Please don't feel the pressure to try to be more, who knows, maybe less is even better. You're a fantastic person as you are. Don't beat yourself up unnecessarily, you don't deserve it!

Hannah Karen Ho said...

I'm not beating myself up! I want to set things straight and be honest, because I get the impression that some people might be putting me on a pedestal for some reason, which I don't want.