(day 2 of nepal, 5pm)
i wish to revise my suggested reason for the innate tendency / choice in people to do evil. i once said that maybe we need the negatives to exist in order to know the positive. (reference blog post) but i don't think that's WHY we have the negatives in us. it's just a consequence. both for worse and for better.
so why? we're just fallen. we chose not to be innocently blinded, guided only by God's embrace. that's how it started out, and God Himself wanted to protect us from this pain of choice that is presented only when we know of the other side, but then we chose to be exposed to good and evil; we ate the fruit of the knowledge. therefore we must be aware of both sides. the reason is the seed deposited in all of us.
(TLDR - just a random ramble:
As I read The Fault In Our Stars and muse on how all its philosophical ideas are weaved into a teenagery love story, I think: no, perhaps if given the opportunity again, i would still say no. Perhaps he is not worth me. He has not been privy to the things that go on in my head, the basket weaves and yarn loops of philosophies about love and futility and beauty and identity and the universe and God. The only person who has - sufficiently but still only a little - is probably kev - he’s probably the only one I’ve talked to long enough, and deep enough, for conversations to occasionally lead down that road. And the conversations also help me further refine my philosophies - when I look back I snip away at the parts that don’t make sense anymore, or add weaves of his perspectives and still try to come to some sort of a resolution with that addition. Even then, he has only seen a glimpse, and I often denounce my relationship with these philosophies once I speak them aloud, because I realise they need to be further refined, or they still don't really do my thoughts justice. He also hasn't seen my theories / philosophies about God, I think. Maybe I've talked about them in bits and pieces to people from time to time, but never all together - it's far too much, and the thought processes have spanned years.
I think in misty clouds, and spoken or written words help me concretise them so that I can look at the thoughts and see if they really make sense.
I wonder if I’ll talk to anyone long enough for them to know all of me and all my thoughts, including those that are still misty, the huge clouds I still do not understand. Maybe I don't fully understand any of them, actually. I wonder if beyond kev I’ll have the energy to build the bonds of friendship with anyone else through these discussions, these ones that matter, upon which our lives are built, that lead into the night with their tears and silences, and with the space for me to relook and refine.)