Feb 3, 2013

To the people I wish I was a better friend to

Six different meet-new-people events and too many new friends made. There's only so much you can take, and it's great to meet new people once in a while, but after you hit the fifty mark within a month all you want is for things to slow down. I divide my time between all these groups of new people and out of my thirty most recent Whatsapp chats (excluding PRians because I texted them about a CNY gathering - I do hope they can make it because I do miss them), less than a third belong to people I've known for more than 8 months.

There are some friendships you really want to spend more time on, but you're burnt out.

If I had more time, or if I were better at saying no to things that I don't really want to go for, or if all these new events were more spread out, I'd really want to spend my time expanding on some of my friendships. Right now I feel like I've given myself to everybody, yet am precious to nobody. If I were to go through some emotional crisis now, I would probably feel extremely alone. Who to call? Who to spend an afternoon hearing me cry it out? Who to trust with the worst of myself?

There are some people I resolved to get to know better, and never got around to it. Because I've been feeling so exhausted, I've been pushing people away. I don't even want to talk to anyone if I don't need to anymore, because my time is being taken up by other people whom I feel obliged to spend my effort on right now. And then I realise what a mistake I'm making, because if I put effort into these people whom I'm pushing away, the friendships could be amazing.

This is to the new people I've met whom I really wanted to get to know better, but never got around to developing the friendships because I've been feeling so stretched and tired recently. Tutku Bektas, Julia Versel, Belinda Lei, Feimei Zeng, Shrabya, and quite a number of the other amazing people I met at EYW. Shermaine, Gloria, Leo Fu and Samuel Tee from NUS VCF. EYW friends: I really hope to keep in contact with you guys on Facebook, and we'll be amazing friends in Yale-NUS, hopefully. VCF friends: Talking to you face-to-face is amazing, and I hope we'll get more of those opportunities soon.

This is to the friends I've neglected, and I'm really sorry. Hsieh Wen, You Zhuan, Jacey, Jonathan Hee, and especially Derrick Chin, Wei Liang and the Exco, I miss you guys. And Pauline Renata, I miss you so much. Al Lim, Yao Hui, Daryl Tan (YNC) and Dylan Ho, I should be keeping in touch with you over Whatsapp a lot more than I'm doing right now, and I'm really sorry.

This is to someone I see quite often, and whom I'd like to get to know better, but I don't really know how. Kevin, you're the only one in this category because you get all awkward and maybe you're feeling a bit creeped out now HAHA, but we have four more years and I really hope we become closer friends, so I can really be your little sister.

And this is to the people who still stay in contact, whether very frequently or once a month, to make sure we remain close. Jackie, thanks so much for everything, even if only in the span of half a year. Sumay, this is such a precious friendship that we must always guard with all our heart; it must never grow distant. Rachel and Teressa, P6 classmates and we're still going strong. And my Malaysian cousins - you know I love you, thanks so much for all the love.

Lastly, this is to the friendships that were once amazing, but have faded so much since that our conversations have become awkward and stupid. I don't want to name them, and I don't know how I feel about them.

To all: I will try to be a better friend, and I'm sorry I've neglected the friendships. I don't know how many of you will see this, but give me some time, and I really hope I'll have the strength to develop the friendships again.

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