Feb 3, 2013

I honestly think I'm on the brink of going mental

The past couple of months have been hard. Emotionally, it's been okay. No periods of incredible joy or depression. But mentally I'm drained. Wrung dry. Since December, I have literally talked to about a hundred new people in six different events, four of which lasted 4-5 days. Every single day I see people I've known for less than a year. They're amazing, of course, but because I've been stretched and cut up and given to everyone else, I've lost contact with the precious ones whom I've known for longer. I've lost a lot of precious friendships. Some aren't totally lost, but they're too far gone to ever be fully redeemed again.

I'm swamped. An introvert needs her time alone, and I've had too many interactions with too many people that come and go. I need a friendship that tells me I'm worth something very significant, and I've lost the precious ones. I don't know who I am, why I'm doing what I'm doing, what I'm doing it for, I don't want to think anymore. Sometimes I think about the stuff I'm doing and it becomes a raging mess and I suddenly just want to run away, run away from my plans and thoughts. It was a little bit like those couple of months I was kind of hinging on depression, where I'd be sitting around and my mind would wander and step into a pit and suddenly I'd be screaming and running and my entire being gets sucked into a whirlpool. I don't really know how to describe it, but suddenly I don't know the meaning of anything I'm doing anymore and I'm giving my all to everything for nothing. To nothing. Right now, it's like I'm treading slowly on my mind's forest floor, and sometimes my foot hovers over one of those pits, and I hear my own screams and cries and I run. I'm so afraid.

I'm doing far more than I can handle, and Bible school starts soon - more new people again - and that will spill over into university- even more new people again - and then that's four years of a heck of a roller coaster ride. That means that once I start Bible school prep in two weeks' time, there'll be no rest.

I need rest very badly right now, but I can't bear to stop work at the office any earlier. I keep saying what I need is a break. I'm not sure if that's what I truly need. I really want a break from everything that's going on in my life, a break from my mind. Sometimes I sit around and think about the things that are coming up and all the people I've talked to and how I'm too mentally exhausted to catch up with any one of them, even though I really want to. I'm trying to grasp at every bit of free time I have while tuition kids ask me for tuition and friends want to meet up and events are going on and I really don't think this is how I should be doing things.

Maybe I'll stop work earlier. Spend a week sleeping in a little bit, going to nice quiet places to read, listening to music in the middle of a field, realigning myself with peace.


On a side note, sometimes I get this strong desire to live life on the edge. On the edge of what exactly, I'm not sure. Not on the edge of "sin", nothing like going to crazy parties and getting drunk and going crazy in that way. Not on the edge of danger either, like running across the expressway at peak hour or sneaking into a building at night. Not seeking the adrenaline rush like doing a bungee jump or race-cycling down a hill.

Something more along the lines of sitting in the middle of a deserted road at two in the morning, listening to Westlife and Britney and Avril and singing my heart out with a friend who doesn't care. Jumping onto ledges. Standing on tables. Sitting on railings. Driving a tractor. Going on a three-day-long road trip with a bunch of crazy friends and singing crazy songs. Avoiding anywhere with air-conditioning and fluorescent lighting. Lying and reading and dancing and jumping on the rooftop of a house all day.

On the edge of insanity, maybe.

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