Love tears the seams of our hearts apart

Burnt by your dreams; it's never how it seems
Cold, crushed esteem; take shelter and hide forever
Your soul will be okay

-

Again? I need to reach deep down to the corners of my brain - the depths of my heart - and crush them.

Told myself I was completely through with anything that had to do with you. The messages you sent that used to mean so much to me - when my heart was screaming with thoughts of you I'd read them again and everything would be okay - I'm getting a new phone.

Your charm enthralled me, but your personality's one to make you a person I can't trust. How do you love a person you can't trust without getting yourself hurt endlessly?

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore - I'm over all of this.

Yet when Adam Lambert was screaming in my ears, I was reminded of that night we were on the bus to Dover together. I was trying to send a text on your phone and I accidentally texted the wrong person. When I was holding the iPhone, trying to send the message again, you showed me how to copy and paste on it - you put your hand over mine to press and hold your finger down on the screen until the Copy option appeared.

Not quite the holding of hands, but almost there. Like teaching someone how to play the piano or - or - teaching someone how to hold the bow of a violin properly, maybe.

Well, it's nothing more than a memory to me, except that I still look back with fondness - I feel my heart racing slightly as I relive it. Someday I'll look back at the memories of you - and the recent crazy incident with another boy - with no emotions, just thoughts, like how I look at the memories of my past relationship.

When that boy accompanied me on a train ride home after a movie recently, I looked up and caught him looking at me with a particular gaze - when I asked him what was wrong, he smiled and shook his head. Later on, I remembered where I had seen that gaze before.

Once, while accompanying me on a train ride home (haha how coincidental), my ex looked at me with that same gaze. I said "Don't look at me like that" - I felt uncomfortable whenever people looked at me; I had always seen myself as nothing more than ugly. But all I got in response was a shake of the head, and my ex continued looking at me like that. I couldn't hold the gaze for long - I looked down for a while, before our eyes met again, and I felt loved.

And for many, many nights afterward, whenever I went to bed or looked into the mirror and detested my appearance, I knew that no matter how ugly I really looked, there was someone I meant the whole world to - someone who felt I was beautiful no matter what.

And then in July '09, there was no one who felt that way anymore.

Just saying. It's a memory at which I look back without real emotions now.