Mum must have been suspecting because of the late-night calls I make (wonder how she'd react if I told her they really were guys nearly all the time) - she said in the car today that she was okay with me getting a boyfriend at my age.
I could laugh at the irony.
Of all the schooling years, I know this is the worst time of all to be emotionally vulnerable - I have a tendency to put studies on the bottom few rungs of the ladder of importance. As more and more things become of importance to me, my academics continuously get pushed down that ladder until it's... not even on the ladder anymore. I mean, I know my studies are crucial, next year of all years - I've been able to bluff my way through the academic years so far, but this is JC - it isn't going to happen anymore. Plus I dream of studying overseas, and I can't do it without external financial support. How can I think of getting a scholarship without aiming to do well in my studies first?
I don't know, I tend to only be able to study if: (a) I have nothing better to do i.e. I've played enough, or (b) it's the last couple of days before the exams and I'm freaking out.
Emotionally, I'm very, very weak. Being emotionally involved in anything causes me to daydream or lose focus all the time, especially at the worst times - when I've got a lot of stuff to do, like listen in class or do my pile of homework or key in data for my temp admin job (like now). I just can't focus on mundane stuff like schoolwork when other things are weighing on my mind. I know some people are able to push them away and fully concentrate on studying when they have to, but I've never been able to do that.
I know I've blogged about this before - sometime in June or July, I thought perhaps I was emotionally stronger now, that I could take the pain and discipline myself to focus on my studies at the same time. Then one tiny, tiny insignificant thing he did - or didn't do - sent my heart in a mess and head in a whirl. I couldn't focus on my classes the entire day; all I could focus on was the wretched pain inside. And then I knew how wrong I was to think I was any stronger than that heartbroken schoolgirl who broke down in the train station just a year ago, who had to call her friend and cry on the phone and be told 'You've got to be strong, you can't look back anymore'.
This is torment.
I love your philosophies and your reasons for doing things - unique and very, very cute. I love your music taste and how similar they are to mine (except for a bit of the Kpop part, because I'm not that into it). I love your honesty and big, big heart. I like your way of handling matters. I love your thoughtfulness, how you show genuine care - it's really sweet. I love how you never try to be someone you're not - again, it's obvious how big a part integrity plays in your life. Most of all, I love your courage. I love how you're willing to discuss your feelings openly, and aren't shy to tell me what you really feel. Guys who aren't afraid to show or express their true feelings are the most attractive, and I really appreciate that about you.
I hate how hearts break, and I hate the scars that refuse to go away, that never stop haunting us afterward.
I'm too afraid of my own heart.
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