One wrong step and there's no turning back

Shit, another long post. But please read this please help me.


Shu En, my paternal cousin, and Peter, my maternal cousin, who don't know each other, were having an MSN chat (through me). They're both studying in Melbourne now, and Peter wanted to talk to Shu En to "straighten things out" because he was insisting that the University of Melbourne (where Shu En is now) isn't in the city, whereas his college (Taylors College) is. Their conversation thus started with a hilarious argument, before talking more about what's fun/not fun, because according to Shu En everything closes at six but Peter kept saying the fun doesn't end there because there's always clubbing and coffee and chilling at a friend's place.

...Judging by the things they said about Melbourne, I doubt I'll enjoy it.
I was aiming to go to university in Melbourne because I think I'll have a better future in my career if I did Mass Comm there instead of in Singapore. In Australia, you're sort of pushed to become more vocal, and that's essential in a Mass Comm career, right? It might not be for print journalism, which is what I want to do, but it'll be of a much greater help nevertheless.


But the shops close at six? Coffee? Clubs? ..No. I don't think I'd want to retreat to my room/apartment (perhaps I'll move in with Aunty Mei Ling and Peter and Melissa) after dinner everyday to... study either, for goodness' sake, although I guess I'll have to mug if I want to get anywhere. But seriously, if coffee, chilling, clubbing, taking a walk in the park and being at home are the only options for me after six in the evening, I doubt I'd make it through university there.


I also know I'll miss Singapore like mad. In Japan, in the chilly autumn-winter weather, when everything was so serene and picturesque and quaint and fairytale-like, I was very taken in by the beauty, but I also missed Singapore. Singapore, where you could walk out in FBTs and slippers; Singapore, where most hawker centres' levels of cleanliness are dubious and the kopi aunties scream your orders across the place; Singapore, where I'm free to be who I really am.


Singapore definitely isn't the best city ever, but it's where I was born and raised and thus my heart will always be here. That's why sometimes I wish I were born somewhere else, somewhere truly beautiful, like the peaceful towns in Japan with the polite, hospitable people - if I were born there, that's where my heart will be. But it isn't, and so no matter how much I love the towns, I'll never be able to live there because my heart would be wrenching for sunny kiasu busy noisy Singapore.


Plus, if staying in Japan gets me this homesick, Australia will kill me. I love the city; I've been there before in 2004 with Sumay, but... well, for one, I'm pretty introverted; secondly, I don't like the kind of lifestyle my cousins are describing - as routine as how my life is now, but with more traps of sin I'll probably fall into; thirdly, I think being around a lot of ang mohs will leave me feeling pretty depressed and alone somehow.
And Japan is... beautiful, undoubtedly the most beautiful country in the world, with the most beautiful people with the kindest hearts, especially in the towns.


Both of them suggested lightly that I try Trinity College after O's. I told them my parents wouldn't have the financial means to support me, but I don't think I'd want it anyway although it does sound appealing. I want to learn Japanese in Ngee Ann Poly on top of Mass Comm because I want to have something to do with the beautiful country in the future. Plus, I don't think I'll be able to live in a foreign - and Western - country for that many years. Being in an angmoh-ish class has already shown me that I can't take angmoh-ness that well. I love Japanese serials and JJ cannot ah?


I don't know, but if I change my mind and decide that perhaps going to Australia for university mightn't be the best choice, I might have to force myself to go to JC. I don't really want to; I love the JC culture and environment but I don't want to take the A levels - it's a huge waste of time to me. The years in JC could be spent in Poly, building up my foundation for my future career (and having a Diploma will earn you advanced standing of about 1 to 1.5 years in University so you don't lose out in the years spent in schooling) instead of learning stuff I'll probably never use again after the A levels anyway.


Help.