maybe i'm just too innocent.

i keep thinking, would i ever lead a more “normal” life?
would this relationship end one day? when would this phase end? would i have a “normal” relationship – a boyfriend? would i ever get married and have kids or something? or would i have to keep hiding my entire life, not being able to tell stuff to so many people?
i remember during dance trashing sometime ago, letty and others pointed out that i keep too much to myself and i should open up to everyone and tell them my problems.
and i said to amelia, “imagine me telling the whole world ____.”
and amelia laughed out loud and shook her head.
would i have to keep on doing this my whole life? i mean i know there are people i can trust and i can tell stuff to, but to those who i can’t because i know they won’t really take it very well, i have to keep on pretending, lying, laughing when they say something that’s meant to be funny but hurts me in some way, making me a little more confused. i mean i know they don’t know they’re doing this; i didn’t tell them my problems so they wouldn’t know. i don’t blame them at all. plus it’s good to hear others’ opinions of the subject anyway.
everyone wants to be normal, don’t they? or not abnormal, anyway. it’s always good to stand out and be extraordinary and stuff. but noone would want to be classified as a freak their entire life right?
and everyone keeps wishing their life would be better someday, that one day, this problem that they’re facing, that’s pulling them down, will get better, that our lives will be perfect someday. one day, we’d somehow turn into tall fair chiobus with an IQ of 343873957 and endless amounts of money and have all our dreams fulfilled.
but there are always two sides to everything, nothing’s perfect. i don’t want to hurt you, i don’t want to break up. it’ll be terrible, too painful. and i really want us to be the closest godsisters ever after this, as close as we are now, but i know it’ll be hard. and it hurts whenever i tell myself that.
everyone wants their lives to be perfect and harmless. we all know in our minds that it’ll never happen, but our heart still holds that hope.
it’s so irritating, how our heart can believe so innocently in something we know in our minds will never happen.

haha. nevermind. i don’t know what i’m talking about anymore.