Jan 5, 2014


I was looking at something I wrote a couple months back about identity, and I remember Peiyun telling me in her room that we are who God has created us to be, individually and uniquely. And I probably wasn't in the right frame of mind to understand that at that time, and I was wondering how we could base our identity on God's since He created us all to be in His image but that isn't exactly very specific or unique, but I called that the third level of self-perception:

1) "i am my job, my various roles, my abilities, my friendships"
2) "i am my personality, my thoughts and emotions"
3) "in Him i am."

I guess what Peiyun was probably trying to say was that I am who God created me to be, as a person - good in some things, bad at others (maybe bad at a lot of things), with my unique personality, and I’m okay with that. I was born very average-looking and I wasn’t nurtured to be all that witty or talented in stuff, and I’m okay with that, because God doesn’t shortchange in the grander scheme of things. It’s okay that I have weaknesses in my character that I need God’s help with, and that sometimes I screw up. But He lives in me, and I have the capacity to become a better me, which is basically to let Him be more and more of me. And He doesn’t change my talents or weaknesses or personality, because He meant for me to be like that, but enhanced - with greater bouts of love, joy, peace, gentleness, etc.


I guess at that point in time I wrote that identity post, I was struggling a lot to find a place for myself because of various things too complicated to talk about right now. I felt like I was just a shadow, a mere bland inferior copy of someone else, like I had nothing unique about myself to make me me. And I was able to find a resolution only when I realised that I was not only "her, but less" - I also had a few qualities of my own, like being unashamedly annoying and hyper. Perhaps more of a Venn diagram’s circle than a subset, then. I had to dig within myself to find parts of my personality that were different, not just less.

It was probably just the stress of that period. Now I look back and I’m able to understand it much clearer. Like, so I’m like that. So God created me to be this person. But I am my own person, and it has nothing to do with someone else, whether or not that person is everything I am and everything I want to be but far better in all points. I am me with my own stronger and weaker aspects, with my struggles, and the point of my life is to get through those things and attain that unshakeable strength, of faith and dependency on Him.

(maybe the reason that is called a ‘foundation’ is that it’s the basics for heaven-living. DAYUM)

Wow. It's so important to look back once in a while, eh?

(oh man c, now i look back and i was just so immature and blinded. i am so so so sorry to have dragged you into all of it T______T look at what boxing yourself up into a building day and night does to you; it makes you feel like that is your whole world



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