hai

so i just told 20+ people my most personal story. not every detail of course, but enough. i decided to tell it because it is what probably shaped me the most, probably contributed the most to who i am today. how i am needy, emotionally-driven, sympathetic. how i found a love for writing.

it might change people’s impressions of me in their minds. or to think i am not really who i profess to be. but i wanted to tell it because i wanted people to realise there’s more depth to who i am and the things i choose to believe in.

i cried a little as i was about to start the story. i said that i really wasn’t sure if i should share it, but i was the last person left and it was only fair that i did, and i wanted people to know that bit more about myself. and that i trusted them to keep it all confidential and for them not to let their opinions about me change.

(i forgot to say that trust is more than that. trust also means that when you let your story be told, they treat it with respect and empathy. using a personal story as a fuel for scrutinization, judgement and opinion is a subversion. i don’t want pity either. just take my story as it is, and understand that i am who i am today because of it.)

i’m still not sure about how i feel about it. i’m still talking softly, my heart’s still heavy. i’m not sure how i feel about telling something extremely personal about myself to a bunch of people i don’t know all that well. i kinda just want to curl up and play easy music on spotify or maybe curl up at the foot of kevin’s bed and take in the smell of his room.

i mean, i wouldn’t mind if these people were those i’m closer to, those whom i know love and care for me, and who wouldn’t let a story form their perceptions of me. i wouldn’t mind telling them at all.

yeah. but i’m glad i had josh as a sharing partner before we shared the story to the entire group. i knew i could cry in front of him. and that he would feel for me. that he is a loving person and like, my story didn’t matter to him in the sense that he’d go “oh, I know a bit more about karen now”, but rather that he’d just feel my pain and share my emotions or with me. or that’s the vibe i get anyway. i’m also glad val was there because she’s a lovely girl that i want to get to know better, and who is also full of simple love and compassion, who doesn’t look at my story and go “oh, interesting side of karen” but would first say “is she okay?”

i’m also glad that i ended with a resolution i hadn’t planned. that this has taught me that love is always love, and love is universal. and that as a Christian i should never judge or condemn. it never does anything good and it never makes anyone a better person.

there are other people i wish were there, but i’m sure i will share the stories with them anyway. i’m not sure if a while from now i will feel like i have just given a precious piece of myself out to the void, prostituted myself so easily.