How To Feel Ugly

we are here in the world that is mine and only mine to give, and today it is ours. you run your fingers through my hair and tell me about your family, your old god-forsaken town, punctuated with jokes and the crazy things your dad used to say. i tell you about mine and you understand why i am the person i am now. guarded, silent, cautious. why i edged away. but not today.

not today, today you share my little kingdom, today you are mine.

your hands are warm your fingers are thick and they are wrapped around my forearm. "see, you're so skinny, you need to stop throwing away half your dinners" "i'm just not used to eating so much" "well whatever, you're beautiful either way"

i try not to flinch at the word, tell myself to soak it in, let it linger sweet like it was meant to. who said my beauty had to do with my proportions and how much i ate? every day i look at myself and say i am beautiful inside where few discover. whether i'm an anorexic stick or a whale, i am beautiful, and do you see?

i believe you do.

your hand on my waist. i lean closer.

i see myself in your pupils, distorted, monochrome. but when you look into my eyes you see what's within. i am beautiful; you make that known to me. you might make me believe, with the way you let me keep close without turning away.

the slightest hint of a curve forms at your lips as your gaze meets mine. i believe i can smile, unafraid. my guard is down. my beauty is laid out before you; read it, read it like braille, feel what it has to say.

your lips touch mine so naturally, our breaths intertwine

and tentatively you let yourself let go. cautiously you add pressure, you let your hand hold the back of my head as you push me closer. i fight the warning sirens, an all-too-familiar defence mechanism. they slowly die out. i fight rigidity and fear. i let myself relax.

you reach for the clasp of my loose blouse; it slips off as gently as your touch. skin meets skin and you are beautiful. my body is the surface of the water you are an electric cord. you infuse me with beauty. you make me believe, not because of who i am, but because of what you give me. your hands reach behind for the clasp of my bra. so easily the cold air comes, i am vulnerable, i am vulnerable with you

a chuckle: "that's pretty small"

i dismiss it but you smoothen your large warm palms over me and it is not like you expect. you push back for a while and let out a longer chuckle, just chuckling at me



i am the ugliest fuck in the world