Oct 24, 2013

Forced stupidity (TLDR: a rant)

As I was walking back to my room I thought, perhaps the key to happiness is not to think.

There are some things I would rather not analyse. Some people say it is important to stop yourself every now and then and ask "what am I doing? What exactly am I feeling? Why are you doing this to yourself? What do you really want?"

I think it's better not to give a damn. Do not care. Nothing matters nothing hurts and some answers don't want to be found.

A lot of drama is self-created. Girls think too much. I think too much and it drives me crazy. Some days I return to my room and just lie on my bed and try to swallow in as much of the clouds as possible to make myself believe that I am surrounded by sky and the vastness of the earth, instead of being shoeboxed into a measured, artificially constructed, engineered space. Some days I collapse on my bed my heart aching and my head not wanting to think because thinking puts me down that spiral again because i do not know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. Don't want to be committed to any claim of thought because it means there's something I think I want, and I DO NOT KNOW. Don't want to be responsible for anything, for myself, don't want to say I strongly believe anything because i do not know. I know the visions He whispers that make me break down, and I know what heartache feels like, but that is all. I do not want to argue about intricacies and my stand on anything because it shoves me into a corner and there is so much to learn from the entire spectrum.

I haven't been able to concentrate on things lately. It makes me feel guilty, because there is so much to gain in every class and I'm paying my own university fees and this is such an undeserved opportunity, but I just cannot focus. My mind wanders. And then I don't know what I want for anything, I don't know what I am feeling about anything, I don't know anything and I just let my mind spiral.

If anyone asks me what I feel about anything that's going on at all, I will say I do not know. I know how things are going, and that as long as I continue letting myself be open things will turn out really well for myself, but right now I don't know anything and I don't want things and people and yet i NEED things and people and I cannot get my head to decide.

All I want to do is remove myself from this web of thoughts and conclusions I am expected to reach. I don't know what I want for anything and I try very hard to be a nicer person because that's what everyone expects (and what I expect), and I know some people need me and I cannot let my selfishness get in the way of that, and I definitely need people too. Maybe it's just better to go through the motions. To not think about what I really want and why I'm doing this and just let it be. Aloof from my own thoughts, indifferent, refusing to face the tangled equation

but then that's not happiness; if happiness is the positive side of the spectrum and pain is in the negative, then aloofness and ignorance of what will bring you pain is the neutral ground: numbness. Numbness isn't bad, too. It's better than forcing yourself into the negative half while you try to figure out yourself, especially when there's no point thinking about things you want but cannot have. Perhaps if I reach a conclusion, an absolute, then the hopelessness of that absolute will drown me anyway.

On a side note, sometimes I look at things my friends write and they're so beautiful. So beautiful and so much better than what I can ever achieve. I wish I could write like them. Here I am, confessing that writing is the only thing I love to do and have to do, and I see the things that simply drip out of the fingertips of my friends who don't even say they love writing or whatever and what do you do when you see talent so beautiful that the artist doesn't even bother displaying? You don't know what to do with the buildings you've built your entire life because they can't even compare to the masterpieces they keep away. You stand there looking like an idiot to yourself. I don't know what I like or what I want anymore.

No comments: