and there are a billion meetings going on for everything you can imagine - dance groups, singing and acapella, performing a musical number, forming a sports council - and people are at the Clinton Crossing outlet or at the museum and we've had two lectures today and a third one's coming up in half an hour's time and we have so much to read, three books on top of our daily lecture readings, and I'm in the US for the first time in my life for three weeks with my classmates for the next four years.
People are chilling out at the baby grand and a group's here listening to Theo on the guitar and my computer's left with 23% I need to get my charger for the emotional intelligence lecture and our social pressures talk has been postponed.
Too many meetings for too many new things and everyone can't wait to start their own thing and there are so many new people you know by name and have made small talk with but the talk just can't, just won't go any deeper. Beyond the weather and the lectures and what readings we have to do tomorrow. We don't know each other's passions, insecurities, we don't know what warms each other's hearts or why we cry.
And yet right now I just can't be bothered. I'm not really sure what I want right now. I love these people, but I'm tired of trying, simply because there's so much to do and we're all open to making friends but we're all trying so hard right now, and there's so much to do, I want to retreat and just lie somewhere with someone I'm truly comfortable with. Someone with whom I don't need to try. These people can be found here too, but everyone's trying now. It's a race.
I guess there's also the insecurity of not being able to hang out with those I'm already comfortable with. Everyone's running around making new friends and all I want to do is chill and walk or lie on the hammock in silence. It's too slow for them. And too silent. And too comfortable. They want to make friends, not hang out with someone familiar. I'm too afraid and jaded. I'm just not in the mood.
Pardon me now.