Jul 18, 2013

It's noisy here at the dining hall

and there are a billion meetings going on for everything you can imagine - dance groups, singing and acapella, performing a musical number, forming a sports council - and people are at the Clinton Crossing outlet or at the museum and we've had two lectures today and a third one's coming up in half an hour's time and we have so much to read, three books on top of our daily lecture readings, and I'm in the US for the first time in my life for three weeks with my classmates for the next four years.

People are chilling out at the baby grand and a group's here listening to Theo on the guitar and my computer's left with 23% I need to get my charger for the emotional intelligence lecture and our social pressures talk has been postponed.

Too many meetings for too many new things and everyone can't wait to start their own thing and there are so many new people you know by name and have made small talk with but the talk just can't, just won't go any deeper. Beyond the weather and the lectures and what readings we have to do tomorrow. We don't know each other's passions, insecurities, we don't know what warms each other's hearts or why we cry.

And yet right now I just can't be bothered. I'm not really sure what I want right now. I love these people, but I'm tired of trying, simply because there's so much to do and we're all open to making friends but we're all trying so hard right now, and there's so much to do, I want to retreat and just lie somewhere with someone I'm truly comfortable with. Someone with whom I don't need to try. These people can be found here too, but everyone's trying now. It's a race.

I guess there's also the insecurity of not being able to hang out with those I'm already comfortable with. Everyone's running around making new friends and all I want to do is chill and walk or lie on the hammock in silence. It's too slow for them. And too silent. And too comfortable. They want to make friends, not hang out with someone familiar. I'm too afraid and jaded. I'm just not in the mood.

Pardon me now.


Anonymous said...

I understand what you mean...it was the case at SUTD too for the first few weeks. There was general excitement to start things, the joy of making things happen, being pioneers in a way...but then there come all the reality checks that put things in balance. You start with school work and pursued passions start looking more realistic. You meet people not in an 'orientation' way but as colleagues or teammates or lecture-buddies who you get to know only because you spend enough time with them! And things get better then on. Small talk was something I didn't quite enjoy when I was in JC; it seemed pointless, really. Why go say hi to a random stranger (well not so random since we're in the same school, but yeah :P ) But then that's how one gets the ball rolling. You'll be fine, Karen. An infectious personality like yours will draw people to you and you to them, all in due time. :) meanwhile make the US trip worth it :D

Hannah Karen Ho said...

Thanks so much :) It's good to know someone just experienced all that, haha, pioneer schools and all. Thank you :)

A Friend in YNC said...

Y'know... I'm going through the same thing too

Hannah Karen Ho said...

Mm, you're not the only one. Quite a number of people are feeling this way...