Jun 5, 2013

Break me

I guess it all started in Sec 3, when by God (through Guin) I was appointed Discipline Head of Dance. Then in JC the leadership positions came one after another - OG rep, class rep, Council Exco where I was the head of the public relations subcomm, head training I/C for June camp, planned all these activities, created the first school planner, went crazy at the podium for sports updates... and then my A's results... I guess through JC I became used to being somewhere near the top, being excellent and very involved and in prominent positions. At Yale-NUS, because I was admitted in the earliest round - more than a year ago - I was very heavily involved in stuff and thoroughly enjoyed it, from being an intern to doing up the showrooms to taking part in photoshoots for Yale-NUS booklets and the Straits Times and whatever. Things came in waves.

Once you decide to let go for a couple of minutes you fall way behind.

I can't keep up anymore, and I don't really want to. I've somehow managed to establish myself in Yale-NUS as the extremely forgetful, immature, blur, muddle-headed and dumb nut who can't do anything well and messes stuff up. I'm not quite sure why I always show the worst of myself to them, but it's no matter. I'd prefer to think that the real me is still the person I was back in AC, very on top of things and very useful and efficient and excellent in all I did, but maybe I'm somehow losing my mind and becoming like this present Karen.

At church and SOT I see my friends doing awesome things, taking the lead, being in the limelight (I love seeing my friends on stage). I stay away, mainly because there's way more time and effort required than I can afford with all that's going on now, and when it's in being in nice, prominent positions that put you in the limelight, I'm afraid of those. I'm afraid that it'll become about me and not God.

This is the time for my pride to be broken. God, take away from me whatever will make me put a focus on myself. Don't bring me up from anywhere without the approval and blessing of Your Spirit.

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