Feb 15, 2013

Think I've found the reason

In kindergarten, everyone was a part of Connie's gang, except anyone who was 'different' - Rachel Ho, a girl who wore spectacles; and Joan, a girl who was darker-skinned. The others shunned them both too, but only because Connie didn't like them. I played with Rachel and Joan until Connie and the rest came along, for fear of being left out, too.

In upper secondary, my best friend was a girl from China, Cui Xiao, whom people didn't mix with much 'cos she usually kept to herself or got really touchy around people (which was both hilarious and creepy). I didn't take pity on her or anything. I found her a great companion - not very sympathetic a friend, but she didn't put any pressure on me to keep up the conversations, and when she said things, it really struck people. It really made you think. At the same time, I spent a lot of my Sec 4 time wishing I were closer to a certain group of people - those who understood my own situations and issues. They also happened to be the popular bunch. Things didn't work out in the end, but it was for the better.

Right now I'm getting very much involved in a whole new group of friends and while trying to be great buddies with everyone, I recognise that I'll slowly stop running and retreat, too. I don't see myself hanging out with the loud, crazy bunch as much as I hope; I see a bit more time spent with those who might not be as popular. I see myself having quiet private one-to-one chats. I see myself going outside and laughing and going insane, and then retreating back to a small space, sharing some personal time with just one close friend.

I think the reason I shouted a storm and then pressed 'Delete and Exit' was because, at that point in time, it came across to me as something exclusive. (I mean, now I know otherwise, but at that point in time I had reached my boiling point, or whatever you call it.) I'd rather be left out with my friends than to be invited into something with an exclusive feel.

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