Feb 15, 2013

Maybe it's a girl thing

I've been talking to some of my friends about some of my worries with regard to friendships and the next four years, lines to tread, a spider's web. The guys just don't get it. I've concluded that it's probably just a girls' thing.

I guess I do think far too much into things, and always assume the worst - even if not in my head, it happens in my heart - and I can't help but feel hurt and confused over something that probably doesn't even cross the mind of the other person. It makes me extremely vulnerable all the time, and I hate it. If only I were secure enough to look at it and think, oh well, whatever, it doesn't matter. I mean, I know I'm supposed to think that, and I really do tell myself so. But my heart can't help but panic and want to retreat.

I think I constantly fear that while I see particular people as very close to me, or as very special friends, they might not see me as the same. Maybe just as someone nice to talk to from time to time, but with whom they share nothing special. Or if they get annoyed by something I do or the way I act, and never have the courage to tell me. Like in Sec 1 when I keep saying "Go and die lah!" as a joke, and didn't realise it was hurting people until it was too late.

If this is a common thing among girls to think and worry like that, then good, it tells me I'll grow up and survive. If it's just me, I'm afraid I'll scream and die one day, and nobody will ever know what happened, because it was all in my head.

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