Jan 4, 2013

In the spirit of Charlie

Dear friend,

I'm writing to you because I need to tell, but I don't know who to go to, because everyone expects me to have a set opinion or at least have made up my mind about stuff. The truth is that I don't know, and I don't want to think about going left or right anymore. I just miss certain times and things, and sometimes the memories, memories of our secret moments and just curling up beside him and our first kiss and the times when he said I was beautiful, they creep into my head and I don't want to let them go. Or when we linked arms and I kissed him on the street and it didn't matter.

People ask me if I really like him, if I'm sure, if there's a future - why do I have to be certain about everything? Is it okay just to float in between and not be sure? I know they want to help, but making me speak out with certainty what I don't know for sure isn't comfortable. Neither is trying to make a decision. Either option makes me want to run away. It's just the memories and his kindness and how much he cares. And how sweet he is. He doesn't deserve to be let down time and time again.

College is just around the corner, and I'll have to go, but something tells me his heart might choose to stay put. If only he could forget me, things would be easier. In college they expect you to be all grown up and mature and independent, but people don't realise that when it comes to issues within, sometimes we're at a complete loss, and maybe it's okay. Why do we have to make things black and white? Can't we float in the middle until things come to a conclusion? At a place that's comfortable, and there will always be that look in our eyes that say we share something between us that's special. And the smile. And if things go where they shouldn't, the tears will come and remind us.

I don't know. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore, and I don't want to make up my mind anymore. I just want him to know he's such a special boy who deserves to protect his lovely heart.

Love always,

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